Kavereita, onko heitä
Whenever I do something good for others, be it something insignificant or significant, it usually goes completely without appreciation whatsoever. I'm used to it, so it doesn't matter. Until I really give pretty much every-single-ounce what I can and then... somebody, be it a random person from the Internet or person closest to my heart, puts it all down and... basically disregards and throws it away.
This wouldn't be anything big if I hadn't began to think about friend circles. There's this small thing that I'm outside of them. A small thing that occasionally rises its ugly head and punches me in the guts pretty goddamn hard.
And then the introvert in me kicks in. Right now I feel that I've got only few friends, one in Liverpool, one living in the next building to me and she who is important to me. And those two who actually had asked. Oh for fucks sake I sound like a small emo shit. Basically, this has been going on as long I have had friends. "Perhaps I shouldn't have friends" was one of my first thoughts, but that's just more than stupid. But it made me think. Think of stuff that really sound more than little stupid. I really wasn't in-circles ever, but I thought I was at least in the circles around people with more or less the same hobbies and such. It took me a year to get the bomb. I really hate my ineptitude around people. Am I just that much shit or is it just something else?
The thing I'll stop doing is to 'force' myself to their company. Not as much force myself rather than going with them or similar. It's pretty clear that most of the time I'm--- I don't want to use this term, but I'm not wanted. I'm not one of the group, rather an add-on to it. This happens all the time when people spend so much with each other, they get welded together to form one group of items. There's no need for additions or changes if the group is 'complete.' There might be slots for "expansions." These expansions are already decided and no outside person will become one. However, these expansions are already part of the core team.
It's like a welded box; there's no room for extra. Sometimes they put a nice decoration on and then throw it in the drawer.
Now I feel bad for thinking that, but the thing is it's not false, even if it doesn't fit completely, It's accurate, thou raw and rather harsh. I'm far too soft for my own good.
I'm far too nothing for my own good, whatever I try to do, whatever I try to be.
I just can't become more, but why I still try to become better and better..?
This wouldn't be anything big if I hadn't began to think about friend circles. There's this small thing that I'm outside of them. A small thing that occasionally rises its ugly head and punches me in the guts pretty goddamn hard.
And then the introvert in me kicks in. Right now I feel that I've got only few friends, one in Liverpool, one living in the next building to me and she who is important to me. And those two who actually had asked. Oh for fucks sake I sound like a small emo shit. Basically, this has been going on as long I have had friends. "Perhaps I shouldn't have friends" was one of my first thoughts, but that's just more than stupid. But it made me think. Think of stuff that really sound more than little stupid. I really wasn't in-circles ever, but I thought I was at least in the circles around people with more or less the same hobbies and such. It took me a year to get the bomb. I really hate my ineptitude around people. Am I just that much shit or is it just something else?
The thing I'll stop doing is to 'force' myself to their company. Not as much force myself rather than going with them or similar. It's pretty clear that most of the time I'm--- I don't want to use this term, but I'm not wanted. I'm not one of the group, rather an add-on to it. This happens all the time when people spend so much with each other, they get welded together to form one group of items. There's no need for additions or changes if the group is 'complete.' There might be slots for "expansions." These expansions are already decided and no outside person will become one. However, these expansions are already part of the core team.
It's like a welded box; there's no room for extra. Sometimes they put a nice decoration on and then throw it in the drawer.
Now I feel bad for thinking that, but the thing is it's not false, even if it doesn't fit completely, It's accurate, thou raw and rather harsh. I'm far too soft for my own good.
I'm far too nothing for my own good, whatever I try to do, whatever I try to be.
I just can't become more, but why I still try to become better and better..?
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