Do men act like this?
I was recently reminded me of one of my pet peeves about all-women groups: the rituals of politeness and self-effacement that mostly seem silly and pointless to me. Maybe these aren't rituals that only women indulge in -- maybe I just hadn't noticed that men do it too. I don't know. I only know that it *feels* like a women's thing, and it gets on my nerves. Exhibit A is what you see when you have an all-female group at a buffet lunch or dinner (I noticed this at a women's retreat in Dexter, a small town about 12 miles outside of Ann Arbor). People are standing right near the buffet table, talking to each other, up until the food is set out and the organizers announce that it's time to start dinner. At that point, the women closest to the table *turn their backs on it and start walking away*. Women farther away seem to mill and get very absorbed in their conversations with each other. Everyone in the room, it seems, is determined not to be the first to approach the food -- in fact, God forbid anyone should get the impression that they're even *interested* in food. The organizers announce again that the food is ready, it's hot, people should start serving themselves. More milling and conversation. Often there's a third announcement, and sometimes the people setting out the food are starting to sound a little miffed. In the midst of this, I walk up and start filling my plate. Let me be clear, I'm not talking about shoving people aside, scattering people left and right like a quarterback running for the goal. I just easily walk up to the table from which everyone else has been moving away. This happened again and again at one retreat I was on, and though it was nice to have such easy access to the food, I found it incredibly irritating, too. I kept thinking, "You're not being polite with all this I-don't-want-to-be-first crap, you're just being uncooperative." I mean, how are 75 people supposed to get served and eat if 74 of them are busy doing a little dance of ignoring the food? I guess the ritual ends after a minute or two, so it's not that big a deal, but for some reason I find it incredibly annoying.
Come to think of it, I think it gets on my nerves so much because it reminds me of a range of other behaviors in which people equate non-action or non-communication with politeness, where I'm thinking that they're just being uncooperative. And I also resent the subtle implication that, in order to fit in with other women or be fully "feminine" -- and femininity is something I enjoy a great deal, in some of its other manifestations --, I might have to adopt some of these silly behaviors that would make me feel like a fool. But I just wonder whether men would ever act like what I've described. Maybe it's not a women's thing after all, though for some reason it felt like it was. Then again, I wonder whether women outside of the Midwest act that way, or whether coastal women would say they've never seen behavior like that. I've lived in Ann Arbor for 14 years, but I still sometimes feel like I'm in exile, culturally speaking.
Come to think of it, I think it gets on my nerves so much because it reminds me of a range of other behaviors in which people equate non-action or non-communication with politeness, where I'm thinking that they're just being uncooperative. And I also resent the subtle implication that, in order to fit in with other women or be fully "feminine" -- and femininity is something I enjoy a great deal, in some of its other manifestations --, I might have to adopt some of these silly behaviors that would make me feel like a fool. But I just wonder whether men would ever act like what I've described. Maybe it's not a women's thing after all, though for some reason it felt like it was. Then again, I wonder whether women outside of the Midwest act that way, or whether coastal women would say they've never seen behavior like that. I've lived in Ann Arbor for 14 years, but I still sometimes feel like I'm in exile, culturally speaking.