Letters to the universe (or, well, to pitchers, beloved and otherwise)
Dear Chad Bradford,
You're a terrible pitcher, and I have no idea why your coach even gives you half an inning, but both your name and your pitching style crack me the fuck up every time, so, thanks for that.
Love in submarine pitches,
-JJ
Dear Hideki Okajima,
You are a worse pitcher than Chad Bradford, however, nothing about you entertains me. Thanks for blowing our lead last night. No, really, please injure your shoulder or something so I'll have time to get over my instant-cringe reaction whenever I hear your name.
No love,
-JJ
Dear Bartolo Colon,
I can't even talk to you, I just keep having flashbacks to your 0-8 loss. I have no idea why you're pitching again tonight. Did you beg for a second chance? Is the rest of the bullpen suffering from heat exhaustion? I don't even know if it's better you than Okajima, ok, so please feel free to prove me wrong.
With warring fear and hope,
-JJ
Dear Josh Beckett,
I will
marry Josh Beckett.
After a
wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Portland, Maine in our
fabulous apartment.
We will
have 2 kid(s) together.
Our
family will zoom around in a magenta sailboat.
I will
spend my days as a cook, and live happily ever after.
I mean, unless you retire to manage the Sea Dogs, I'm not sure why we'd settle down in Portland, Maine, but I'm ok with everything else, seriously, so, what are you waiting for?
Love,
Your future wife
You're a terrible pitcher, and I have no idea why your coach even gives you half an inning, but both your name and your pitching style crack me the fuck up every time, so, thanks for that.
Love in submarine pitches,
-JJ
Dear Hideki Okajima,
You are a worse pitcher than Chad Bradford, however, nothing about you entertains me. Thanks for blowing our lead last night. No, really, please injure your shoulder or something so I'll have time to get over my instant-cringe reaction whenever I hear your name.
No love,
-JJ
Dear Bartolo Colon,
I can't even talk to you, I just keep having flashbacks to your 0-8 loss. I have no idea why you're pitching again tonight. Did you beg for a second chance? Is the rest of the bullpen suffering from heat exhaustion? I don't even know if it's better you than Okajima, ok, so please feel free to prove me wrong.
With warring fear and hope,
-JJ
Dear Josh Beckett,
I will
marry Josh Beckett.
After a
wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Portland, Maine in our
fabulous apartment.
We will
have 2 kid(s) together.
Our
family will zoom around in a magenta sailboat.
I will
spend my days as a cook, and live happily ever after.
I mean, unless you retire to manage the Sea Dogs, I'm not sure why we'd settle down in Portland, Maine, but I'm ok with everything else, seriously, so, what are you waiting for?
Love,
Your future wife