September First - Melaka Fray
This is the first installment in a little challenge I've set for myself for September - 30 days, 30 ficlets about women in fandom. September First is Melaka Fray from Joss Whedon's Fray.
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It takes Melaka a long time to let go of the guilt of Harth's death. For a while, it morphs into a new kind of guilt - she bears the weight of being the one responsible for turning her brother into a monster. But soon she realizes that isn't her fault, either. If anyone's at fault, it's the forces that made her born a twin, the forces that stole away her memories, her dreams, her history.
She hates for a while, wildly and deeply, and then that begins to fade as she understands she doesn't need whatever she's missing. She's still the Slayer. And once finally shakes the guilt over Harth that's shredded her insides, that burned behind her eyes, once it falls like water over her back, the rest starts to fall away as well. She's not as bitter about Erin, not as sickeningly remorseful about Rocketmouth, not as heartbroken over the attack on the warren. She starts to think of herself as outside of it all. Outside of the normal back and forth of action and consequence.
She knows she will always bring destruction with her. She knows it goes hand in hand with her destiny - she will fight evil, but it's going to follow her like a dog at her heels, like her own personal storm cloud, like bad luck. It's going to hurt people. She's going to hurt people. But that's just the way things are going to be. She decides that she's just going to have to live with that.
It seems to her to be a very Slayer thing to do.
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It takes Melaka a long time to let go of the guilt of Harth's death. For a while, it morphs into a new kind of guilt - she bears the weight of being the one responsible for turning her brother into a monster. But soon she realizes that isn't her fault, either. If anyone's at fault, it's the forces that made her born a twin, the forces that stole away her memories, her dreams, her history.
She hates for a while, wildly and deeply, and then that begins to fade as she understands she doesn't need whatever she's missing. She's still the Slayer. And once finally shakes the guilt over Harth that's shredded her insides, that burned behind her eyes, once it falls like water over her back, the rest starts to fall away as well. She's not as bitter about Erin, not as sickeningly remorseful about Rocketmouth, not as heartbroken over the attack on the warren. She starts to think of herself as outside of it all. Outside of the normal back and forth of action and consequence.
She knows she will always bring destruction with her. She knows it goes hand in hand with her destiny - she will fight evil, but it's going to follow her like a dog at her heels, like her own personal storm cloud, like bad luck. It's going to hurt people. She's going to hurt people. But that's just the way things are going to be. She decides that she's just going to have to live with that.
It seems to her to be a very Slayer thing to do.