high and ranting
Things around me are changing. It's painful. I feel a lot more on my own than I have in years. This time I'm not angry to be alone, but a bit scared. I think this semester will end up being one of neccessary personal growth, even if it's not the easiest or my favorite. I'm being distanced from so many people right now. At night, I feel terrified. During the day, I rely on the city's summer beauty to keep me cheery. Anyway, its weird to be in a transition period, the start of a change and be really aware of it. Maybe I'll change too. That's what makes it exciting.
So, yeah, Adele, my best friend, has left for the semester. I'm happy though, because she's going to the land of our father's! Ireland! :-D Still it sucks major ass to be here in Boston without her. I miss her so much already.
Lauren is staying with me for a few nights. I haven't seen her since May. She leaves Sunday for Asia and I won't see her again until January. These past couple of weeks feels like it has been filled with so many endings. Only temporary endings, though. I guess it's breaking in the separation anxiety that comes with graduating in less than a year. The mother of all anxiety attacks.
My social anxiety disorder seems to be back in full swing. Even around close friends. I want to feel bright and happy again. I can't wait for Christmas. Surely, Christmas must bring true happiness. I feel like that little kid in Les Choristes who comes out to the gate of the orphanage every Saturday waiting for his father to pick him up. His father never comes, but he never stops expecting him. Every Saturday. That's me with Christmas. Always hopeful that this year it's magic will overtake me and the world will feel like a great place again.
With all that's going on in the world right now with the hurricanes and typhoons, I don't feel like i have the right to get so absorbed in my own world. I think I'd be happier if I was more outwardly connected. Doing something to help people. Not being so expendable.
By the way, you know how yoga instructors always say to "find your center?" What does that mean anyway? I've been trying to find it lately, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.
So, yeah, Adele, my best friend, has left for the semester. I'm happy though, because she's going to the land of our father's! Ireland! :-D Still it sucks major ass to be here in Boston without her. I miss her so much already.
Lauren is staying with me for a few nights. I haven't seen her since May. She leaves Sunday for Asia and I won't see her again until January. These past couple of weeks feels like it has been filled with so many endings. Only temporary endings, though. I guess it's breaking in the separation anxiety that comes with graduating in less than a year. The mother of all anxiety attacks.
My social anxiety disorder seems to be back in full swing. Even around close friends. I want to feel bright and happy again. I can't wait for Christmas. Surely, Christmas must bring true happiness. I feel like that little kid in Les Choristes who comes out to the gate of the orphanage every Saturday waiting for his father to pick him up. His father never comes, but he never stops expecting him. Every Saturday. That's me with Christmas. Always hopeful that this year it's magic will overtake me and the world will feel like a great place again.
With all that's going on in the world right now with the hurricanes and typhoons, I don't feel like i have the right to get so absorbed in my own world. I think I'd be happier if I was more outwardly connected. Doing something to help people. Not being so expendable.
By the way, you know how yoga instructors always say to "find your center?" What does that mean anyway? I've been trying to find it lately, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.