(no subject)
I take 100mg of Celexa daily. That's way more than the average person would take for depression, but because I'm also taking it for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I need at least that much.
Lately, I laugh a lot. I have fun. I see how beautiful things can be. To the world, it probably looks like I'm pretty happy. I'm definitely not unhappy. But the weird thing is that I don't feel extreme bliss, the magic of the world's beauty like I used to. Its like the extremes have been eliminated. I don't feel awful too often, but I also can't get to the natural high. even when I recognize that my situation at a given moment would have had me floating, once upon a time. I'm not sure, because I've never had any other side effects (thankfully) but I think maybe the medication is doing it to me.
I took a brief sabbatical from the pills for about a day and a half. Instead of feeling sad and self-pitying like I usually would, I just felt angry. Pissed off. I didn't give a shit about being extra nice to people. I didn't hide my grimace. I wanted to scream out all of the anger. But, of course, I didn't. I took my pills. And pushed it back inside I guess. But before I took them, I watched an HBO documentary about a killer. Suddenly I remember how fucked up the world is. I realized how fucking lucky I am. I realized how my whole life is just about making myself satisfied. I don't know whether to hate the world or to feel sad about it. I don't know whether to feel guilt or appreciation. I just feel so fucking confused... about everything from the concept of existence to my career choices. I just don't know.
I did a photo shoot tonight with Adele, Colby, Greg, Graeme, and Shane as my fantASStic models! I bought all kinds of dress up stuff and stage make-up and a white wig. I was really happy with how everyone looked. I'm really excited about this shoot. Fingers crossed they'll come out good!;)
I miss Ryan. He's in Thailand with sea turtles in his room. I'm in my "Nana Nightgown" smoking a bowl and listening to Irish music. Whatever floats your boat.
Ryan, come over, I want to snuggle and spoon!
Speaking of which, I really love my dreams lately. I feel the full spectrum of emotions in my dreams, and, lately, things have been so great in my dreams. Making out with fiery passion and confidence and parties devoted to honoring me! Waking up is kind of a slap in the face. haha.
Lastly, I'm quoting Adele: "The best you can hope for is to die on a good day." I think this was a glimmering little gem of wisdom.
Well, Dean Martin's serenading me back to dreamland (maybe after one more HBO documentary). Sleep tight, world.
Love.
Lately, I laugh a lot. I have fun. I see how beautiful things can be. To the world, it probably looks like I'm pretty happy. I'm definitely not unhappy. But the weird thing is that I don't feel extreme bliss, the magic of the world's beauty like I used to. Its like the extremes have been eliminated. I don't feel awful too often, but I also can't get to the natural high. even when I recognize that my situation at a given moment would have had me floating, once upon a time. I'm not sure, because I've never had any other side effects (thankfully) but I think maybe the medication is doing it to me.
I took a brief sabbatical from the pills for about a day and a half. Instead of feeling sad and self-pitying like I usually would, I just felt angry. Pissed off. I didn't give a shit about being extra nice to people. I didn't hide my grimace. I wanted to scream out all of the anger. But, of course, I didn't. I took my pills. And pushed it back inside I guess. But before I took them, I watched an HBO documentary about a killer. Suddenly I remember how fucked up the world is. I realized how fucking lucky I am. I realized how my whole life is just about making myself satisfied. I don't know whether to hate the world or to feel sad about it. I don't know whether to feel guilt or appreciation. I just feel so fucking confused... about everything from the concept of existence to my career choices. I just don't know.
I did a photo shoot tonight with Adele, Colby, Greg, Graeme, and Shane as my fantASStic models! I bought all kinds of dress up stuff and stage make-up and a white wig. I was really happy with how everyone looked. I'm really excited about this shoot. Fingers crossed they'll come out good!;)
I miss Ryan. He's in Thailand with sea turtles in his room. I'm in my "Nana Nightgown" smoking a bowl and listening to Irish music. Whatever floats your boat.
Ryan, come over, I want to snuggle and spoon!
Speaking of which, I really love my dreams lately. I feel the full spectrum of emotions in my dreams, and, lately, things have been so great in my dreams. Making out with fiery passion and confidence and parties devoted to honoring me! Waking up is kind of a slap in the face. haha.
Lastly, I'm quoting Adele: "The best you can hope for is to die on a good day." I think this was a glimmering little gem of wisdom.
Well, Dean Martin's serenading me back to dreamland (maybe after one more HBO documentary). Sleep tight, world.
Love.