(no subject)
after lying in bed for over 12 hours, of which i couldn't sleep properly. i think that it's quite good:) i had the chance to kinda think through everything that's going on around me, got the chance to evaluate how i've really been. and guess what, hahaha i think i've been quite messed up. ego-ness that's starting to become real, not really caring about what people say anymore, forgetting that all they really want is a listening ear, and there i was trying to be all big and holy and trying to give advice. when no advice can ever help. i've also come to realise how this God-thing isn't just a God-thing. but it's God. it's like this amazingly big person, this amazingly loving person, this amazingly awesome person or being.
just a few hours ago, the thoughts just came back so strongly. the desire to take the easy way out and just run away from everything, it all seems so easy. but like now, (maybe the bitter tea woke me up), i think it's amazing. haha! i think life's amazing:) i realised what i was really looking for in friends.. and what i really wanna be to others. i realised that it isn't neccessary to excel in studies, but to do my best while honouring God and people in all other aspects of my life. that includes honouring myself, finding time to do things i like (thanks jayna, for always telling me that but i never really got down to it cause i didn't see the importance of it.) it includes struggling in my friendships, to realise what kind of friends do i want to mix with. what type of friends. and i realised that the type of friends i want are those who accepted me when i was down and out, when i was fat and ugly, when i was struggling, when i was unsure, when i was indecisive. i want those who're willing to make sacrifices, who're willing to stand up for stuff, who're really really nice, those who understand my need to be alone, to understand that i make many mistakes too.
yesterday i thought that what i was struggling with was trust. but what i really struggle with is myself. willing to let myself come out in the open, showing who i really am and what i'm really struggling with to my friends.
it's time i really understand my own needs, and express them:) off to send emails!
no studying for me today:)