The Hate List
or, "Shit I Hate." It's a work in progress.
-Other drivers. Assholes, all of them.
-douchebags, particularly collar-poppers. Especially when they have dumb, hot girls who can't decide what shitty beer they want with them. And they're in front of me at the bar, saying things like "DUDE!" and "BRO!" Fuckers.
-WalMart. Not because I'm some sort of "save the mom-and-pop blah blah blah" indignant prick, but because it's just fucking disgusting.
-Yankee fans who are not Mike French.
-OU Parking Services. Really? We need a fucking permit to park at the NWC. So. Fucking. Gay. There's FREE VISITOR PARKING, you morons. Guess which car is mine, then go fuck yourselves. Idiots.
-People who don't put their weights back at the gym. I mean, really. You're going there basically to pick up stuff, then put it down. WHY NOT PICK IT UP ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, PUSSY.
-People who equate the Patriots with the Yankees or what have you. The Pats were AWFUL for most of my formative years, now they're winning. Fuck and you, I don't care if you don't like it.
-Girls who aren't that attractive who just "want to be friends." Really? You should be begging for a ride on the m-f'n H-Train. F you, you're not worthy.
-Fat people. Self-explanatory.
-Retards who "just love any live music, it doesn't matter." Ummm, so paying to see a shitty* band in a shitty, overpriced bar while idiots sweat on you is better than smoking a bowl, drinking scotch, and rocking out to the Who's Live at Leeds album WHILE NAKED until whatever goddam time you please? I'm not sure what level of dumb this is, but it's not far from sticking your dick in a fire. (* - if the band isn't shitty, then OK, I'm with you. But you're paying my cover if they suck.)
-"Smokers Rights" advocates, PETA, Greenpeace, the Religious Right, the Religious Wrong, the NRA, nutty gun-control freaks (yes, you too. If I want to shoot a fucking bear, I will shoot a goddam bear), the fat, the smelly, the stupid, the overbearing, the self-important. Just to cover a whole bunch of bases in one bullet.
-Name droppers. Really, I don't care who you know or who you hang out with. So either shut the fuck up or talk about something I care about, like booze, my penis, or the booze on my penis.
-Local news.
-National news.
-World news. The news pretty much is bullshit on every level, I guess.
-People who think a few yahoos are smarter than, I don't know, NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY.
-My height. I'd really like to be a few inches taller. Fuck you, genetics.
-When you check out of a grocery store and they give you the guilt-trippy "Would you like to donate a dollar to some wasteful, high-overhead 'charity'?" You know what? On any given day, there's a 50% chance I just saved a baby panda from traffic. Fuck you.
-Back to that bleh chick who just wants to be friends. SERIOUSLY? YOU are not that hot, not that smart, and not that interesting. I am FUCKING AWESOME. Really, you should PAY to F me.
-Idiots who claim to know everything about poker, but can't shuffle cards. There were CARDS BEFORE THE INTERNETS, PEOPLE.
-Idiots who can shuffle their chips, but don't pay attention to what's going on. Guuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.
-Anyone who still thinks W is doing just a fabulous job. If you are one of those people, I'm sorry to say, but you are likely to be an asshole, and something is seriously fucking wrong with you. Vote GOP, be conservative, that's your right, whatever, but if you still think he's peachy, you are probably too stupid to be allowed out at night.
-Women who just don't return calls. I took time out of my busy day of being awesome, at least call me back and tell me the restraining order is being processed as we speak. It's just common courtesy.
-Potholes. Fuck you, potholes.
-Three-point beer. Outside of late nights and Sundays, why why why? (Non-Okies: just move on, it would take to long to explain.)
-Meetings. Good God, has ANYTHING ever been accomplished at a meeting outside of yawning and thinking of creative suicide methods?
-Picky fucking eaters. Just eat it. If it kills you, you're weak and we need you out of the gene pool.
-NWC food. A bit contrary to the above, but fuck you, it's my blog.
-'Reality' shows. Here's a reality show: here's me f'ing you, your sister, your daughter, your mother, whatever. There's your freaking reality show. Who's getting voted off? I'll show you with a well-placed ugh.
-Thin steaks. Fuck. That. Shit.
-Running out of toilet paper. Am I right, people?
-Other drivers. Assholes, all of them.
-douchebags, particularly collar-poppers. Especially when they have dumb, hot girls who can't decide what shitty beer they want with them. And they're in front of me at the bar, saying things like "DUDE!" and "BRO!" Fuckers.
-WalMart. Not because I'm some sort of "save the mom-and-pop blah blah blah" indignant prick, but because it's just fucking disgusting.
-Yankee fans who are not Mike French.
-OU Parking Services. Really? We need a fucking permit to park at the NWC. So. Fucking. Gay. There's FREE VISITOR PARKING, you morons. Guess which car is mine, then go fuck yourselves. Idiots.
-People who don't put their weights back at the gym. I mean, really. You're going there basically to pick up stuff, then put it down. WHY NOT PICK IT UP ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, PUSSY.
-People who equate the Patriots with the Yankees or what have you. The Pats were AWFUL for most of my formative years, now they're winning. Fuck and you, I don't care if you don't like it.
-Girls who aren't that attractive who just "want to be friends." Really? You should be begging for a ride on the m-f'n H-Train. F you, you're not worthy.
-Fat people. Self-explanatory.
-Retards who "just love any live music, it doesn't matter." Ummm, so paying to see a shitty* band in a shitty, overpriced bar while idiots sweat on you is better than smoking a bowl, drinking scotch, and rocking out to the Who's Live at Leeds album WHILE NAKED until whatever goddam time you please? I'm not sure what level of dumb this is, but it's not far from sticking your dick in a fire. (* - if the band isn't shitty, then OK, I'm with you. But you're paying my cover if they suck.)
-"Smokers Rights" advocates, PETA, Greenpeace, the Religious Right, the Religious Wrong, the NRA, nutty gun-control freaks (yes, you too. If I want to shoot a fucking bear, I will shoot a goddam bear), the fat, the smelly, the stupid, the overbearing, the self-important. Just to cover a whole bunch of bases in one bullet.
-Name droppers. Really, I don't care who you know or who you hang out with. So either shut the fuck up or talk about something I care about, like booze, my penis, or the booze on my penis.
-Local news.
-National news.
-World news. The news pretty much is bullshit on every level, I guess.
-People who think a few yahoos are smarter than, I don't know, NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY.
-My height. I'd really like to be a few inches taller. Fuck you, genetics.
-When you check out of a grocery store and they give you the guilt-trippy "Would you like to donate a dollar to some wasteful, high-overhead 'charity'?" You know what? On any given day, there's a 50% chance I just saved a baby panda from traffic. Fuck you.
-Back to that bleh chick who just wants to be friends. SERIOUSLY? YOU are not that hot, not that smart, and not that interesting. I am FUCKING AWESOME. Really, you should PAY to F me.
-Idiots who claim to know everything about poker, but can't shuffle cards. There were CARDS BEFORE THE INTERNETS, PEOPLE.
-Idiots who can shuffle their chips, but don't pay attention to what's going on. Guuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.
-Anyone who still thinks W is doing just a fabulous job. If you are one of those people, I'm sorry to say, but you are likely to be an asshole, and something is seriously fucking wrong with you. Vote GOP, be conservative, that's your right, whatever, but if you still think he's peachy, you are probably too stupid to be allowed out at night.
-Women who just don't return calls. I took time out of my busy day of being awesome, at least call me back and tell me the restraining order is being processed as we speak. It's just common courtesy.
-Potholes. Fuck you, potholes.
-Three-point beer. Outside of late nights and Sundays, why why why? (Non-Okies: just move on, it would take to long to explain.)
-Meetings. Good God, has ANYTHING ever been accomplished at a meeting outside of yawning and thinking of creative suicide methods?
-Picky fucking eaters. Just eat it. If it kills you, you're weak and we need you out of the gene pool.
-NWC food. A bit contrary to the above, but fuck you, it's my blog.
-'Reality' shows. Here's a reality show: here's me f'ing you, your sister, your daughter, your mother, whatever. There's your freaking reality show. Who's getting voted off? I'll show you with a well-placed ugh.
-Thin steaks. Fuck. That. Shit.
-Running out of toilet paper. Am I right, people?