Fanfic: The Things You Do - Chap 5 - Part 1

[jjblue1]

Title: "The Things You Do - Chap 5 - Part 1"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, incest, mentions of abuse, violence and other stuffs I might have forgot...
Notes: Teenager Subaru and Teenager Seishiro had taken control of my brain… help!
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Summary: There are things worth doing everything...



He stared dully at the wall in front of himself as his mind kept repeating obsessively ‘Subaru, Subaru, Subaru’. He was only barely aware of his situation, of the place he was in of what had happened before, after she had… after Subaru had…

A memory, a flash of Subaru lying motionless on the ground, plagued him and his stomach turned violently, forcing him to stand on wobbly legs that barely managed to carry him to half the way toward the toilet then… then they failed him and he had to crawl to reach it and be free to throw up the content of his stomach.

The content of his stomach… the Ringo Ame he had eaten with Subaru… Subaru… Subaru, _Subaru_…

He felt even worse as he coughed, spat gastric fluids that left an acrid taste on his tongue then let himself fall seated on the floor of the small cellar, his back against the wall as all he was capable to think was that he wanted… that he needed Subaru to be there, with him, he needed him so much, _so very much_…

It was difficult to breathe, he was panting, panting and sweating and shivering and wishing Subaru to be there, with him, Subaru, Subaru’s scent was still on him, his scent, his touch, his kisses, still on him, still on him but Subaru wasn’t there, Subaru, Subaru, Subaru…

His head was throbbing painfully and it was hard to put things on focus.

They had ripped Subaru from him, they had trapped him here… in hell, because a place without Subaru was hell… they had trapped him in hell…

He was being held into custody, they had told him so, he was still a minor, they couldn’t technically arrest him but they had slammed him in a cell anyway and Subaru wasn’t there and he had no idea how Subaru was and nobody, nobody wanted to tell him how Subaru was, Subaru… Subaru…

His body hurt, his head hurt, everything hurt and he wanted Subaru, needed Subaru.

He curled on himself, buried his hands in his hair, willed his stomach to stop throbbing, his head to stop aching, Subaru to be there…

Subaru… he would go mad without Subaru…

If only he were to know how Subaru was… Subaru… he knew Subaru couldn’t be well… there was no way Subaru would let him there, all alone, if he were to be well… so Subaru wasn’t well but… but… how bad was he? Subaru couldn’t be… Subaru couldn’t be… Subaru…

He felt weak, cold, sick, miserable, powerless.

It was a jump back to the past, to when he had been a child regularly beaten and abused and then left closed in his room, the broom closet, somewhere until his mother felt like being merciful… or in the mood to start all over again…

Subaru… the last time he’d been in a police station Subaru had been with him, Subaru hadn’t let him feel miserable, Subaru had hold him and had told him he would stay with him and… and… Subaru… Subaru…

He felt sick again, threw up again.

His arm hurt, throbbed really, but it didn’t seem to matter.

Subaru wasn’t there, he had no idea how he was, where he was, and that was all he could think of, all he could worry about. Subaru. Subaru…

He had no idea what to do without him, he couldn’t think without him… Subaru… Subaru…

He curled on a ball, tried to stop trembling, he was so cold, he hurt so much…

Nobody would care, nobody had ever cared apart Subaru… Subaru… he had to find him back, to discover how he was but there was nothing he could do, they wouldn’t let him escape, they… they…

Someone walked next to his cell, tried to pass over it without ever glancing at him. He forced his body to stand, to walk closer to the bars, to grab them in attempt to support himself, to call.

The man refused to tell him how Subaru was, as everyone else had done. He let his forehead rest against the bars, fought down another wave of nausea and dizziness. Nobody would tell him how Subaru was, nobody, and he needed to know, he needed… he needed help, he needed it now, and even if he loathed the idea to ask for it, asking for it would be better than being there without knowing what had happened to Subaru.

“A phone call. Can I, at least, make a phone call?” he asked, his voice slurred somehow. He hated it, he hated to ask but Subaru… Subaru…

They had let him make a phone call. He had to redo the number twice, his vision was blurry and his memory hazy and it was hard to do things right, it was hard to stand, but at least they had let him make his phone call and then they had stuck him back into that cell… stuck him back into that cell to wait, he had no idea how much, he had lost the sense of time long ago. Subaru… he couldn’t think at anyone else but Subaru… was he fine? Was he… alive? Subaru… Subaru, Subaru,Subaru…

“Seishiro-kun? Are you… well?” someone, a familiar voice he believed, asked him as the door was opened. He stared at the newcomer, newcomers he realized, blinked in attempt to put them on focus, tried to understand who they were, why they seemed familiar.

“Sa… Suzuki-san?” he asked, his voice coming out weak and unsteady, raspy, but his mouth was dry and, even if he tried to wet his lips, the situation didn’t improve. “Kobayashi-san? What…” Why were they there? Was he hallucinating? Sure he’d phoned to the man, begged for his help as much as he had loathed to do so, pleaded Suzuki-san to ask Kobayashi-san to find out where Subaru was, how he was, and let him know but he’d never expected they would come there. He… he tried to stand and failed, his head spinning and pulsing violently. The men moved closer to him hurriedly, knelt next to him, stared at him.

“Seishiro-kun, how are you?” Kobayashi-san asked him but Seishiro didn’t really care how he was.

“Subaru… Where’s Subaru? How’s Subaru?” he asked in reply in a pleading tone, grasping weakly the man’s shirt. “Is he… is he…” he didn’t dare to voice his fear, he didn’t dare to ask if Subaru was alive or not, he…

“He’s in hospital but he’s not in danger,” the man replied after a small hesitation. “Seishiro-kun… do you remember what had happened? Do you remember how Subaru-kun got hurt?”

“Is he alive? Is he well? How’s Subaru? How’s Subaru?” he asked again desperately, his brain apparently finding problems in processing the answer he just got. Kobayashi-san stared at him then seemed to take a decision.

“I’ll take you to see him. Can you stand, Seishiro-kun?” he asked gently, trying to help him to get up.

To see Subaru? Was he getting him out of there? To Subaru?

“We’re going to see Subaru?” he asked, trying to stand on his own. His legs weren’t cooperating much but he was rather stubborn and so he stood, unsteadily, and followed the men, stubbornly refusing to be aided to walk. “We’re going to see Subaru?” he asked again. He didn’t remember if they had answered him. The light out of the cell was too bright, forcing him to avert his eyes. He staggered and, as much as he hated it, Kobayashi-san had to help him not to fall backward. “We’re going to see Subaru?” he repeated.

“Yes, Seishiro-kun, that’s where we’re going,” Suzuki-san assured him and he nodded in agreement before repeating the same question for the fourth time. Or was it the fifth? He could remember the answer…

He let himself fall sit in the car… a taxi? Was it a taxi? He wasn’t sure… he was in between Kobayashi-san and Suzuki-san and his head hurt and Subaru…

“We’re going to see Subaru?” he said again and mentally prayed the answer would be ‘yes’ because he wanted so badly to see him… to see Subaru… At first he wasn’t sure why he found himself in front of a hospital, Subaru didn’t live in a hospital, then remembered Subaru had been hurt and it made sense. Sort of. He looked around, trying to see him, demanding to see him, feeling like his legs wouldn’t support him for long. Kobayashi-san asked something at the reception, Seishiro wasn’t sure what, then began to lead the way and Seishiro just followed him and didn’t even register how Suzuki-san was supporting him, helping him to walk. Subaru… he only wanted to see Subaru…

Subaru… he head Subaru calling his name, screaming for him, and… and he forgot all his tiredness and all he knew was that he was running to him, moving out of his way everyone else because Subaru was there and had called him and he wouldn’t make him wait. Subaru, Subaru, Subaru, Subaru…

When Subaru awoke, it was from an horrible, horrible dream he didn’t remember very well nor wanted to. He had vague memories of seeing Sakurazuka-san hurting Seishiro or planning to, he couldn’t remember well, and Seishiro… Seishiro just standing there… willing to let her do as she pleased and… and when she had tried doing it again he… he’d gotten in between her and Seishiro and… and then nothing else. His mind was blank, his head hurt, his right eye hurt, everything felt weird and… and he couldn’t open his eyes he realized, there was something wrapped around his head, covering his eyes.

As if this wasn’t bad enough he could perceive a weak scent, one he was familiar with but that he disliked even if he couldn’t quite recognize, and that somehow made him anxious.

“Seishiro?” he called weakly, frowning in confusion. What was going on? Where was he? That wasn’t his bed… and this scent… no, this smell, it was a smell to him and he _hated_ it… it was familiar… it was familiar… though his mind somehow refused to place it, to acknowledge it for what it was, as if scared. “Seishiro?” he repeated when he received no answer, anxiousness beginning to mount inside him as he slowly stretched his arm, trying blindly to reach for the other boy, as with his other hand he weakly tried to pull away the cloth wrapped around his head.

It wasn’t Seishiro’s voice the one that commented that he was awake and that made him jerk back in fear, nor it was Seishiro the one who grabbed his arms, trying to stop him from removing the blindfold someone had placed around his head, no, they were all wrong, too small and soft to be Seishiro’s, they had to belong to a woman, a woman, Sakurazuka-san maybe? and he tensed as he tried to pull back, as if burned, the questions ‘Where is Seishiro, where? What had happened? What’s going on now? Who are you? What do you want from me?’ echoing horribly in his mind.

“Subaru!” a girl’s voice called, and it reminded him of his sister but the tone was wrong, unfamiliar, he’d never heard his sister using that tone so she couldn’t be his sister, so who was she? Why did she know his name? And where was Seishiro anyway? Where?

“Seishiro!” he called anxiously, messily trying to pull himself up, though his body seemed to lack in strength and coordination.

Why wasn’t Seishiro answering? Could it be… he wasn’t there? Then where was Seishiro? Why wasn’t he there? Who were the people around him? Why wasn’t anyone telling him where Seishiro was? Why was he wearing a blindfold? Why was he so weak, almost as if he’d been drugged? Who were the people that were with him? What was going on? Had something happened? Had Sakurazuka-san…

“SEISHIRO!” he screamed as panic gripped him, struggling weakly as arms grabbed him, tried to restrain him as those thugs had done in Tokyo, voices telling him to stay calm but none of them belonged to Seishiro and none of them was telling him where Seishiro was, and he needed… he needed… “SEISHIRO!”

“SUBARU!”

He stilled, froze as he heard Seishiro’s voice calling him, calling him loudly. Seishiro… he was here… Seishiro… thanks God at least Seishiro was there… Seishiro…

“Seishiro…” he whimpered, “Seishiro!” he called again and the next he knew that whoever was trying to hold him down was pushed away and then someone was hugging him, hugging him tightly, so very, very tightly… the way only Seishiro did…

“Seishiro?” he repeated, trembling in the other’s hold. It felt like Seishiro, it felt like Seishiro but he couldn’t see if it was Seishiro and he was scared and confused and Seishiro wasn’t talking anymore and… and… “Seishiro? Is that you? Seishiro?” he asked, trying hesitantly to touch the person holding him, as if that could help him to recognize who was holding him.

“Subaru… Subaru… Subaru… Subaru, Subaru,SubaruSubarusubaru…” and what followed after was just a long string of ‘Subaru’, but to Subaru it didn’t matter, it was Seishiro’s voice, it was Seishiro’s voice that was calling him, it was Seishiro’s arms that were holding him, so Seishiro had to be here, Seishiro had to be here with him and he felt his body shaking and he tried to swallow his sobs as he tentatively clung to him, clung to the body holding him, the body that should belong to Seishiro, Seishiro, the only safe thing in that horrible darkness in which he was forced to stay. He buried his face against what he supposed was Seishiro’s shoulder, inhaling, feeling the familiar scent, the familiar warmness that belonged to Seishiro, pressing his body against Seishiro’s body, trying to perceive with all his remaining senses Seishiro’s presence, trying to assure himself Seishiro was really there, trying to calm down the panic that had gripped him when Seishiro hadn’t immediately answered to his call and that was still haunting his mind even though Seishiro was here. Seishiro was there, Seishiro, Seishiro, Seishiro, Seishiro…

He needed Seishiro to tell him everything was all right or that, at least, that everything would be all right, he needed Seishiro to cuddle him, comfort him, make him feel safe but Seishiro… Seishiro was just holding him and repeating his name like a broken record and Subaru didn’t get what was wrong with him, what was going on, where they were.

Was Seishiro hurt? He sounded weird… And where was Sakurazuka-san? What had happened? He couldn’t remember well… Why was he blindfolded? Where they in troubles? Was it his fault? Was Seishiro angry? Should he apologize? Why Seishiro wasn’t telling him anything? Why?

“Seishiro,” he whimpered unable to make sense of the situation at hands, “Seishiro…” but the other didn’t change his behaviour, he just kept holding him and repeating his name, without even asking him how he was, without even explaining him what had happened and fear, confusion and helplessness bubbled inside him and it was too much, too much… and if he combined it with the thought Seishiro might be mad with him he… he…

He didn’t dare to cry openly, to show how desperate he was when he didn’t even know where he was and what was going on… he wanted to apologize though, to say he was sorry but he couldn’t manage to articulate anything more complex than Seishiro’s name at the moment until exhaustion took him and all he could do was lean on Seishiro silently, grasping weakly his shirt. At least Seishiro was still holding him tightly, he hadn’t left him nor yelled at him, so maybe Subaru hadn’t messed up too badly, although Seishiro had fallen silent as well and Subaru had no idea what that could mean.

He was so tired, scared and confused…

Numbly he noted everything around them was silent and he wondered tiredly if the people that had been in the room had left them or were still there, observing them in silence as if they were some sort of show, or maybe thinking at what to do with them.

It was scary, it was scary the idea of being stared at without even knowing it, without even knowing who was staring at them, what he planned to do with them. He wished he could manage to remove the blindfold covering his eyes but couldn’t find the strength to raise his arms any further.

“Seishiro,” he said again, so weakly it was almost a whisper, hating the silence they were in, and Seishiro just said ‘Subaru’ and nothing else and this was wrong, there was something wrong in all this, only he had no idea what it was, and he couldn’t think and he was so scared…

Then he heard a sound… kind of like a door opening, and tried to cling on Seishiro even more, fear rising inside him even more, his breath speeding up. Was that really the sound of a door or was it something else? And if it was, then who was entering? Or who was leaving? What was going on? What was about to happen? What?

“Subaru-kun? Seishiro-kun? Can I talk with you for a moment?” a male voice said in a gentle tone. It seemed… familiar but he couldn’t quite place where he’d heard it before. Maybe… maybe it wasn’t really familiar, maybe it was just an impression, maybe…

He wished for Seishiro to say something, anything, but Seishiro kept silent as he kept hugging him so Subaru had no idea what to think about the speaker’s identity, he felt only scared but staying silent wouldn’t solve anything so… so…

“Who… who…” he tried to say then swallowed, his voice failing him. He was simply too scared to force out of his mouth a full sentence.

“It’s just me, Subaru-kun, Kobayashi, the policeman from Kamakura, can you remember me?” a voice sounding the same as the one that had spoken before said. Maybe… no, probably it was the same.

“Ko-Kobayashi-san?” he said hesitantly, his voice stammering slightly. “Is that re-really you?”

Was it really him? He… he wasn’t sure, he couldn’t see him and he wasn’t that familiar with his voice…

“It’s me, all right. I’m glad you still remember me, Subaru-kun,” the voice… no, Kobayashi-san’s voice replied. Kobayashi-san… he was a friend, wasn’t he? He wasn’t here to part them, was he? He couldn’t have kidnapped them, could he? He was a policeman after all and policeman shouldn’t do this sort of things… Maybe had they been kidnapped and he had come to free them? But why? Kobayashi-san didn’t work in Okinawa so… Or weren’t they in Okinawa anymore? It was all so confusing....

He heard a sounds of steps moving closer and tensed.

Were they Kobayashi-san’s? Someone else’s?

He felt something (someone?) touching him and instinctively jerked away, trying to press himself closer to Seishiro, wishing madly Seishiro would do or say something but Seishiro… he was just hugging him and this was all.

What was supposed to mean? Why was Seishiro being so silent?

“Sorry, Subaru-kun, I didn’t mean to scare you,” the voice… Kobayashi-san’s voice said in what sounded like a gentle tone.

“It’s… it’s okay, I… you just caught me on surprise,” he forced himself to say, shakily. Why was Kobayashi-san’s voice the one that was saying reassuring things to him? Why wasn’t Seishiro’s? Why wasn’t Seishiro talking with him?

“Sorry,” the voice… Kobayashi-san’s voice repeated. Subaru froze and kept perfectly still as something… a hand… likely Kobayashi-san’s hand, was rested on his shoulder, stroking it lightly, gently, in what looked like an encouraging gesture.

‘This is Kobayashi-san’s hand and Kobayashi-san’s hand means no harm, Kobayashi-san means no harm, he’s not a bad person, he can’t be here to hurt us,’ he told himself but he couldn’t quite manage to feel safe anyway.

“It’s…” he swallowed, “… all right,” he tried to assure the man, though he didn’t sound convincing at all. Well, how could he sound convincing when everything was definitely not all right and Subaru failed at lying? “I… it’s not I’m not glad to see… I mean that you… that you’re here but…”

“Seishiro-kun called us. Me and Suzuki-san I mean. He said you two had… a little trouble,” Kobayashi-san’s voice explained. “So we came to see if we could help. Suzuki-san is waiting out of the room.”

“Have… have we been kidnapped or… or something?” he asked hesitantly, failing to understand the situation he was in. His head hurt and his right eye seemed to burn under the blindfold and… and why someone wasn’t removing his blindfold now that he thought at it?

“No, of course not, Subaru-kun,” it was the reply, the voice sounding a little confuse. “How did you get this idea?”

“I… someone blindfolded me and… and they were also restraining me and… and Seishiro _wasn’t here_... he wasn’t here at first and… and I know this is not my grandmother’s house…” he tried to explain. “Why am I blindfolded if I’m not being kidnapped?”

“You’re not blindfolded, Subaru-kun. You’re bandaged. This is an hospital and you hit your head so they had to wrap it up,” he was told. There was a moment of silence as he forced himself to absorb those information. It made sense. He… he seemed to remember Sakurazuka-san’s bokken hitting him when he got between her and Seishiro… Had she hit him so hard? So hard his head needed to be bandaged?

“Bandages? I’m… bandaged?” he echoed in confusion. “They… they had to bandage even my eyes? I…” he trailed off as a horrible thought dawned on him. “Am I… am I blind?” he asked with growing fear. Seishiro’s hold around him tightened but the boy said nothing. Not even a ‘don’t worry, Subaru, it’ll be okay’. Seishiro just… said nothing… and Subaru had no idea how to take his silence as he swallowed as he tried not to get into hysteric.

Blind?

Was he blind?

Would he never see Seishiro again? Would he never manage to see Seishiro smile, Seishiro frown, Seishiro pout, Seishiro…

Would he be a burden to him, to everyone, forever? How would they manage to get a job if he were blind? How would they manage to pay rent if he couldn’t work because he was blind? How would they manage to leave his grandmother’s house when he… when he…

How would Seishiro manage to still love him when he was going to be only a burden? How? How?

“You’re just injured, Subaru-kun. I’m sure with the proper time you’ll see again just fine,” Kobayashi-san’s voice told him hurriedly but it didn’t reassure him in the slightest.

“I… I…” he stammered as he tried not to tremble. Blind. Handicapped forever. Never again able to see Seishiro. Never. A burden to him. Useless. Forever. Always in the dark. Never capable to do anything for Seishiro anymore. Never capable to make him happy, to be something worth being loved back. Useless. Unworthy. He… he…

‘Can’t you do anything useful? You’re worthless, a real waste of my time. If only I could leave you here and never have to deal with you again,’ a voice from his past whispered in the back of his head. He shuddered and tried to pretend he hadn’t heard it. It was just a memory, a memory of the past. It was gone. He knew how to deal with his memories, he…

“Subaru-kun. It’ll be all right, I swear it,” the man’s voice repeated. “I know you’re scared and confused now but… think you can talk with me a little? It’s important, Subaru-kun.”

“I…”

Important.

He was going to stay blind for the rest of his life, never be able to see Seishiro for the rest of his life, never be able to help Seishiro in anything for the rest of his life, never be able to… to… and that man wanted him to be able to discuss something? Now? With Seishiro that wasn’t saying anything reassuring? Comforting? Was Seishiro angry at him? Disappointed with him? Why wasn’t Seishiro speaking with him? Why wasn’t he saying anything?

‘It’s a waste of time to speak with you, I really don’t get why anyone would bother to do it, all you know how to do is being a burden for others…’ the voice that existed only in his memory whispered again, in a cruel, mocking tone. He swallowed and told himself that no, Seishiro would never think at something like this, Seishiro… Seishiro… why wasn’t Seishiro talking to him?

“As we talk Seishiro-kun can catch this chance to let himself be visited by a doctor,” the man’s voice went on, while Subaru was trying hard to focus on what it was saying and not on his inner demons.

“Se-Seishiro?” he stammered in confusion.

Seishiro… Seishiro should be visited? By a doctor? Why? Wasn’t he well? Was that why he wasn’t talking with him? Had something happened to him? While he, as the useless idiot he was, was unconscious, has ‘she’ managed to hurt Seishiro further? Has ‘she’? ‘she’... what had ‘she’ done to Seishiro?

‘It’s your fault. Some help you were for him,’ the voice whispered again and he couldn’t help but agree this time. He… he…

“I don’t need to be visited,” a voice, Seishiro’s voice, stated, but the tone was wrong, it wasn’t Seishiro-like, it was… Subaru couldn’t place it, it just, it lacked Seishiro’s usual confidence, no, there was more than this, it… he couldn’t say what was wrong with it exactly, only that there was something wrong in it and this was scary.

“Se-Seishiro?” he called weakly, his voice trembling. He had never wanted Seishiro to be hurt, he had never meant to leave him unprotected, he… he… he only wanted to keep Seishiro safe… what if with his actions had only caused him worse troubles? What if ‘she’ had gotten angry he had intruded and had hurt Seishiro more?

“I don’t need to be visited,” Seishiro’s voice repeated but his tone still sounded… wrong. It was wrong, wrong, what had that woman done to him? Was he hurt? Seriously injured? Was he blind too? Or something else? Or was he just mad at Subaru? Was that why he wasn’t really speaking to him? Was he mad at him? Was he? Subaru had no idea. He swallowed. If Seishiro was hurt… he needed to be taken care by a doctor. If he wasn’t and was just mad to him… He swallowed again. It would have been better if Seishiro was just mad at him but… but at the moment he didn’t think he could handle Seishiro being angry at him. He… if only he were to know what was wrong! If only he were able to fix it somehow!

‘Useless. Can’t you do anything right? Why are you such a failure?’ the voice accused him and it sounded louder, firmer and so very _sincere_…

“Go see a doctor,” he forced himself to say, doing his best to also let go of Seishiro when all he wanted was to cling to him, doing his best to ignore the voice that was screaming in his head ‘NO! I don’t want to be left alone! I don’t want to be parted from Seishiro! I want Seishiro to stay with me!’ because Seishiro’s health took priority on Subaru’s wishes and if Seishiro was hurt… if Seishiro was hurt he needed a doctor to take care of him because Subaru was completely useless and all he could do was to let him go to a doctor, let him go, even if he needed him, even if…

“I don’t need to be visited,” Seishiro’s voice repeated in the same tone as before… no maybe it was even more wrong than before but… but he let go of Subaru and this… this wasn’t like him. Seishiro… Seishiro wouldn’t let go of him so easily, would he? For an absurd moment Subaru felt like asking him if he was really Seishiro, because he wasn’t sure anymore, he wasn’t sure, because Seishiro didn’t have that tone and Seishiro didn’t act like that and…

‘You can’t make a single friend. No kid of your age seems to like you or had ever liken you. Actually I really don’t know what Okaasama sees in you. Probably it’s just pity.’

“Go see a doctor with Kobayashi-san,” he insisted, trying to push him away now, before he would end up clinging to him again, unable to let go. “Go!” he ordered his voice rising, bordering dangerously on hysteric. It was so hard to let go of him, he had no idea if he would manage it if Seishiro were to keep on staying close to him… “Go, I said! I don’t want you here if you’re hurt!” he screamed and this wasn’t true, it wasn’t true but… but…

He felt Seishiro’s body shifting, moving away from him quickly, and no, this boy couldn’t be Seishiro because Seishiro wouldn’t leave him so easily, Seishiro wouldn’t leave him not even if he was blending to death he knew it, unless… unless Seishiro was really, really mad at him but… but it didn’t matter because at the moment he was of no help, he was useless, and, if Seishiro was hurt and needed a doctor, he… he…

“GO!” he yelled, hugging himself in order to stop his hands from reaching for him again, his body shaking as he tried not to began crying.

“Come, Seishiro-kun, you’ll only worry Subaru-kun further, if you’ll stay here any longer,” someone’s voice… Kobayashi-san’s voice he assumed, said gently. Subaru wished he could be on Kobayashi-san’s place, that he could comfort Seishiro, that he could accompany him to a doctor but… but… He heard steps moving farther from him, then a door opening and closing as he slowly bent on himself. Letting go of Seishiro… it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it was almost like a physical pain, something that was tearing him apart. He felt nauseous, his head hurt, throbbed really, especially where his right eye was, or had been… had he still it? He didn’t know…. he wanted to throw up, he wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted…

‘You’re always sick, always useless. So uselessly frail… if you were to at least die you would free us from the bother of having to take care of you…’ the voice said loud and clear in his head. He remembered it, he remembered it well. It had been his companion for most of his life. When he had met Seishiro… it had slowly grown silent, it had slowly stopped to intrude in his thought but now… now it was back and he had no idea how to ignore it, how to chase it away since it always said the truth, always reminded him how worthless he was…

“Subaru-kun… are you all right?” someone’s voice… Kobayashi-san’s voice apparently, asked, startling him since he had thought the man left with Seishiro, had left him alone because what point there was in staying with him? He swallowed, trying to keep the pain bottled inside him, trying not to be a bother more than what he already was.

“I… Kobayashi-san… go with Seishiro… please, go with him… don’t let him alone… please, take care of him, please…” he forced himself to say. He didn’t want Seishiro to be alone, especially if he was unwell. It was horrible to be alone, especially when one was in pain, when one was hurt, when one was feeling sick, when one was feeling scared, it was so horrible and he didn’t want Seishiro to have to bear it but… but he was useless to him at the moment, he couldn’t be with him, he couldn’t keep him company, he was so very useless to Seishiro, he had always been useless, always been the cause of his troubles, always, he’d merely deluded himself he could be something different, he…

“Suzuki-san will go with him. Subaru-kun… are you well? Do you want me to call a doctor?” the man’s voice insisted, cutting through his dark thoughts, and he tensed as hands grabbed him. No, he corrected himself, they hadn’t ‘grabbed him’, they had just ‘taken hold of him’ but… but being touched all of sudden in such an unexpected manner…

‘Keep quiet and do as we say, Sumeragi-chan, and we won’t harm you… much… it’s always a pity to ruin a face as pretty as yours…’

… it brought up bad memories.

“Subaru-kun, are you well?” the voice asked and it seemed anxious and he almost laughed because it was really pointless to worry about him, to worry about such a useless boy… No, he didn’t feel well but he could bear it. He won’t die from it and if he were to die… maybe it would be better for Seishiro, maybe now he would be glad to get rid of him. With him in those conditions… they won’t… they won’t manage to live together. His dream to be forever with Seishiro had shattered. He was a burden now. His grandmother… it would be so easy for her to keep him parted from Seishiro now… he couldn’t tie Seishiro to himself now… Seishiro… didn’t deserve to be tied to someone as useless as him… probably that was why Seishiro was angry with him. He… he had abandoned him in the time of need, he had failed to protect him from his mother and had turned himself into a useless boy who would need to be taken care of for the rest of his life. Seishiro had all the reason to be angry with him, to hate him, to wish to abandon him, to…

‘I wish you never had birth…’

He swallowed. It wasn’t the time to let self pity swallow him.

“I… Kobayashi-san, what’s wrong with Seishiro? What had she done to him? Is he mad at me? Does he…” ‘hate me now? Hate me for failing to protect him?’ he wanted to say but he couldn’t manage to ask.

“Subaru-kun… please, lie down and answer me first, are you all right? Do you want me to call a doctor?” the man’s voice insisted asking him as hands, likely Kobayashi-san’s hands tried to gently push him to lie down on the bed. He hesitated only a moment, tensing against them, before letting them push him down. There was no point in resisting anyway. Those hands… they didn’t mean harm.

‘The only thing you’re good at is to obey. You’re like Okaasama’s puppet, that’s why she favours you. Because she can play with you as she pleases.’

Words he had long buried inside himself haunted him. He clenched his fists trying to ignore them and the pain they still caused.

“I… I don’t need a doctor, I only need to know what’s wrong with Seishiro… please, tell me…” he begged. “What’s wrong with Seishiro? What?”

“I’m no doctor but, from what I could see he seemed a little under shock,” the voice said, though Subaru had the feeling it wasn’t telling him the whole truth. “And he probably got a bad blow to his head so a visit is in order. Seishiro-kun is a strong boy though, so I’m sure it’s nothing serious… but you really gave him a bad scare, Subaru-kun,” the voice reproached him and Subaru hated himself even more. It was his fault, it was all his fault, even Kobayashi-san said so…

“Is he that angry?” he asked in a small voice. “Does he… hate me now?” he whispered so quietly only a person with a very good hearing would have been able to catch his words.

“Hate? You? Subaru-kun, he is just worried… very worried,” the voice pointed out and Subaru believed this confirmed his fears. He had made Seishiro worry. There was plenty of things to worry about with Subaru turned into an useless being and their dreams that would never be able to turn into reality. Therefore Seishiro also had all the reasons to be angryand if he wasn’t now he’ll surely would be soon.

‘Why do you always have to give us troubles? Can you be like any other normal boy?’

He chewed his lower lip and willed the voice in his head to shut up. Why had it returned to taunt him? It had been silent for so long… why now was it back to haunt him?

“Subaru-kun… please, I know you’re tired but I need your help,” another voice, no, this time it wasn’t another voice in his head, it was Kobayashi-san’s voice, intruded in his musing and he felt like laughing hysterically again. Someone as useless as him ‘helping’? A good for nothing that…

“What…” He swallowed trying hard to keep his voice steady. “What do you need me for, Kobayashi-san?” he said politely, because that was what he’d been taught to say, what he always said, even when he knew he would be of no use, even when he knew the other would just tell him to get out of his sight, to… “I’ll be glad to help you if I can only now… I’m more useless than usual so… I’m sorry, you travelled till here and I… I…” he trailed off as his body shuddered in a pitiful effort not to begin crying. Anyway it wasn’t like Seishiro was there to comfort him if he were to cry… maybe Seishiro would never comfort him again if he were to cry… he’d made Seishro angry so… so…

“Hush, relax, Subaru-kun, calm down, Seishiro-kun would worry if he were to see you like that,” the man chided him gently and Subaru did his best to calm down. The last he wanted was to cause more troubles to Seishiro. He could do it. He had to do it. He’ll do it. Or so he told himself. “Seishiro-kun called us. Well, Suzuki-san really, since at the moment he couldn’t find my phone number anymore. He was worried about you since no one was telling him how you were… and so he asked Suzuki-san to ask me if I could discover something. I think he was quite desperate really, since the police wasn’t telling him anything about your conditions and he was really, really worried about you so…”

“The police? Why was Seishiro asking the police how I was?” Subaru asked in confusion. “Had he to go with them to report what Sakurazuka-san had done to him?” ‘Was that why he couldn’t ask how I was to the doctors personally? Was that why he wasn’t here with me?’ he wondered. It would make sense only… only it wasn’t like Seishiro to worry about this sort of things first… actually Seishiro didn’t trust the police at all, it wouldn’t be like him to consider reporting what Sakurazuka-san had done to them, but maybe he’d been ordered to go report to the police, not given a choice so…

Kobayashi-san didn’t reply immediately, only managing to worry Subaru more, then…

“Subaru-kun… I’ll tell you all I know but first I need you to do something for me,” he heard the man’s voice asking him in what sounded like a gentle tone. “I need you to tell me all you remember that had happened yesterday. It’s really important. Then I’ll explain you whatever you’ll need to know.” There was another pause of silence at that. Subaru figured Kobayashi-san was waiting for his reply but he didn’t really know what to say.

“What had happened?” he repeated in a confused, tired tone. “Don’t you know already? Hadn’t Seishiro or someone else told you already?” He really didn’t feel like speaking of all that, telling to Kobayashi-san of how stupid, how useless he had been, he…

‘He knows already you are of no use. Who could have missed it? If he’s asking you something it’s merely out of politeness, a pro forma,’ that horrible nagging voice whispered in the back of his head and Subaru tried not to whimper at how true those words sounded. Before meeting Seishiro… no one had ever deemed him of some importance. Not even his grandmother who wanted him to be her heir only because he would have been an easy to control figurehead, a puppet that would move according to her wishes. Subaru had always known but he had told himself he didn’t mind. At least she needed him for something. But then… then Seishiro had come along and had made him feel important, wanted, even when Subaru was completely useless, and… and he had to go and ruin everything, hadn’t he?

“Please, Subaru-kun, I need you to tell me. I trust you to tell me the truth. Please, explain me what had happened yesterday,” the policeman insisted in a gentle tone. Subaru-kun frowned but didn’t have the strength to discuss his request any further.

“Yesterday… we… we went to work yesterday…” he began although likely the man wasn’t interested in that, only in the part in which Subaru had proved how useless he was, how badly he had failed into protecting Seishiro. “Obaa… Sumeragi-san found us a job… she did it to keep us under control but… but it’s fine, really, it’s not a bad job and we’re together and I like it and the pay is good…” he babbled and, although the man didn’t interrupt him, he knew Kobayashi-san likely could care less about that. “Then… then we went to the Matsuri… we all went to it, there were also Sumeragi-san, Hokuto-chan and Kuzuki-san… Kuzuki-san… he’s… he’s Hokuto-chan’s ‘friend’ and he’s always kind with us…” he explained then paused and swallowed as his fists clenched. “‘she’ was at the Matsuri as well. Sakurazuka-san I mean. ‘she’ is ‘her’. Sakurazuka-san. According to Seishiro ‘she’ never went to a Matsuri before but I knew ‘she’ wouldn’t pass this chance, I knew ‘she’ would come to bug us… I knew…”

He knew. He’d done nothing to stop it though, to spare that meeting to Seishiro. How cruel, how stupid had he been? That meeting had only pained Seishiro and it hadn’t helped any…

“I… I thought in the end ‘she’ would give up if we were to show we weren’t afraid, we weren’t going out of our way to avoid ‘her’… I thought ‘she’ would have to give up sooner or later… that ‘she’ would have to stop coming to taunt us…” He swallowed again. How foolish he had been in hoping that? How hard it had been for Seishiro to go along with Subaru’s idiotic plan? How useless said plan had revealed? He was just a stupid, stupid kid who had tried to play a game too big for him, and his grandmother had tried to warn him he wouldn’t manage, she had tried to but he… he had stubbornly, stupidly, refused to give up and… and had kept on dragging Seishiro into that mess… Seishiro who maybe could have remained away from Okinawa, away from ‘her’ hadn’t it been for Subaru… Seishiro who had wanted to leave and whom Subaru had forced to stay, as if Subaru could have known better… Seishiro whom he had put at risk, whom he had allowed to be hurt… Seishiro, Seishiro, Seishiro, where was Seishiro? He needed him, he…

“Wait a moment,” Kobayashi-san’s voice interrupted his trail of thoughts all of sudden. “Are you saying Sakurazuka-san bugged you and Seishiro-kun regularly? Subaru-kun, had she been stalking you both?” the man asked. Subaru sighed. Hadn’t Kobayashi-san been told that? Or had he been told and he simply had chosen not to believe it? Nobody seemed to notice what Sakurazuka-san did, no, nobody wanted to notice what she did, and it angered Subaru so he had to go and fight his own little war against her without considering he was pulling Seishiro along, without considering he was putting Seishiro on risk, without considering after what had happened Seishiro could very well be tired to humour Subaru and his idiotic plans and leave and…

“The streets are public places,” he forced himself to say, trying not to think at the idea Seishiro might want to leave him. “We couldn’t stop ‘her’ from walking through them and… if we were to meet ‘her’ every day, more than once each day actually, it was merely a coincidence, wasn’t it?” he asked bitterly, clearly not believing it. “No one noticed. No one wanted to notice. No one cared if she were to tell mean things to Seishiro or hit him or try to. She didn’t do it so often if we were with Hokuto-chan or Kuzuki-san…” ‘…because even Sakurazuka-san knew Hokuto-chan and Kuzuki-san had more worth than me…’ “…but she had no problems to do it when it was just Seishiro and me, she had no problem to come on our workplace and… and no one ‘noticed’… and I know Obaa… Sumeragi-san had to know, I know everyone had likely felt obliged to inform her, even if they ‘hadn’t noticed’ but she too had pretended not to know… Everyone pretended not to know… Obaa… Sumeragi-san refused to do something that would help Seishiro against that woman… She… she would have been willing to help me, if I were to ask but not Seishiro… And I was too proud, too _stupid_ to ask for help, to beg for help when it was clear I couldn’t handle that situation… Sumeragi-san… she was hoping Sakurazuka-san would scare me away from Seishiro or something… and I refused to let her scare me away,” Subaru stated firmly. “I refused to. Though it was of no use in the end. It just caused Seishiro more trouble,” he admitted and expected the man to confirm this, to reproach him for his idiocy.

“It must have been a hard situation to deal with,” he heard him saying instead, in what sounded like a sympathetic tone and felt rather confused by his words. Why wasn’t he getting reproached? “You should have been very brave not being afraid of her,” the man added and Subaru decided Kobayashi-san should have misunderstood the situation as he shook his head.

“I… I wasn’t being brave. Not at all. You see… I thought she was a coward. I thought: ‘People fear her and she uses that against them but actually she won’t have the gut to do something for real. Not in the open’. Seishiro… Seishiro just grew up being abused by her. When he was a child she… she did to him things so horrible, made them part of his daily routine and so he… and so he wasn’t capable to stop her, he isn’t capable to stop her, for him it’s… normal… natural to let her hurt him… so it was easy for her to hurt him but… but I thought she… she wouldn’t dare to go against who doesn’t fear her. So I assumed if I weren’t to fear her, she wouldn’t have dared to do something… and if I were to be between her and Seishiro… she wouldn’t been able to get at Seishiro either… she wouldn’t been able to hit him, beat him, hurt him in any way… even if everyone else was pretending not to see, if I were there to see what she was doing… I thought she… she wouldn’t be able to try and hurt him, okay, so she kept on saying mean things to him but, even if mean things can hurt… well, I thought they wouldn’t hurt that much, that we could handle them… I thought…” he trailed off. How idiot he had been. He should have known words can hurt, words sometimes can hurt even more than blows and that, anyway, Sakurazuka-san wouldn’t let him stop her. How could something as useless as him stop her? He should have known, he should have known, he’d gotten cocky instead and had always caused Seishiro to be hurt, he… he…

“Then what had happened yesterday night to your home?” the man’s voice prodded gently.

“Yesterday night… I… I’m not sure… I awoke and Seishiro wasn’t there… I… I don’t like to sleep when he’s not with me, I was worried, so I… I went to search for him. I know, no, I knew mine was just a silly fear, I knew really, there’s a security system in that house, I know, I knew it but…” he shook his head. Security system or not, he didn’t feel safe at all in that house. He didn’t feel safe anywhere if Seishiro’s not with him. He was such a childish coward… “I… I went to search for Seishiro… and he was downstairs and… and ‘she’… ‘she’ was with him… inside the house… and the alarm hadn’t sounded and… and I’ve no idea why it hadn’t sounded and… and I should have done something but I was too slow because before I could say do, before I could say anything… ‘she’ had hit him… ‘she’ had hit him with a Bokken… Seishiro… ‘she’ had hit Seishiro with a Bokken… and Seishiro… Seishiro had said nothing, he had just let ‘her’… he had just let ‘her’… and I thought… this… this wasn’t good because… because it gave ‘her’ power… it made ‘her’ feel like ‘she’ was allowed to continue, even if ‘she’ noticed I was there, though maybe… no likely ‘she’ had never cared about my presence to begin with… ‘she’… ‘she’ believed ‘she’ had power, ‘she’ wanted to prove it to me, to Seishiro, to everyone… ‘she’ wanted to show me ‘she’ could do it and there was nothing someone as useless as me could do… and I… I shouldn’t have let Seishiro alone… I… I shouldn’t have let ‘her’ get so close to him, I… I knew I’ve done everything wrong, that I had messed up, that I had put Seishiro in danger and I…” He hugged himself, shuddering.

“Subaru-kun… what had happened afterward, Subaru-kun? Had she hit Seishiro-kun again?” he was asked, distracting him from his self loathing. Subaru shook his head.

“No. No, I didn’t let ‘her’. ‘she’ tried to but I didn’t let ‘her’. I… I did the only thing I could think of and I… I get in between ‘her’ and Seishiro and… and I guess I’ve lost consciousness after ‘she’ hit me because I don’t remember anything else,” he admitted with a sigh. “I’ve been so stupid! I should have tried to stop ‘her’ arm in mid swung instead… this would have been more useful than letting myself being knocked off… but… but I could only think I didn’t want her to hurt Seishiro and I… I ended up letting him without protection instead. No one… no one cares for him here… no one apart me… and I… I was so stupid to faint and leave him alone at ‘her’ mercy… ‘she’ might have continued hitting him, ‘she’ might have killed him and I… I… it would have been all my fault and… and ‘she’ had, ‘she’ had hurt Seishiro, hadn’t ‘she’? He’s hurt now, isn’t he?” he asked anxiously. ‘Is that why he’s so strange?’ “Kobayashi-san, what had ‘she’ done to Seishiro? What?”

“Subaru-kun…” there was a pause after the man’s voice said his name, a pause that made Subaru grow even more anxious. “Subaru-kun, I need you to confirm something for me now. Has it been Sakurazuka-san the person that had hurt you? Are you sure about this?”

“I… of course I’m sure… ‘she’… ‘she’ wanted to hurt Seishiro… and I’ve gotten in between them and… and all I was able to do was to let ‘her’ hit me instead… then…. then I had to faint like the useless idiot I am… I couldn’t protect Seishiro… had ‘she’… had ‘she’ hurt Seishiro again? Is Seishiro badly hurt? How’s Seishiro? I can’t see him and he wasn’t telling and you said he needed to go to a doctor and I… I can’t see how he is and… and… I need to know and… and… Is he well?” he insisted in asking, fighting down waves of rising panic. “Why was he with the police? What did they want from him? Did they arrested Sakurazuka-san for entering in Obaa… Sumeragi-san’s house and attacking him? Did he had to explain them what ‘she’ did to him? Have they arrested her at least?”

“Subaru-kun…”the man’s voice sounded uneasy, as if he had troubles finding the right words. “Sakurazuka-san… she… she had been carried to the hospital as well… it seems… while you were unconscious… Seishiro-kun had tried to strangle her and that they had to rip him away from her before he’d murdered her or so I was told. Seishiro-kun had refused to tell the police, me or Suzuki-san what exactly had happened. All we managed to get from him was that you fell on the ground and didn’t move anymore, nothing about what happened before or afterward.”

“I… I don’t understand… you said… he tried to hurt his ‘mother’? But Seishiro… he never did… he… he always let ‘her’… he let ‘her’ hurt him… he never tried to hurt her back… What had she done to him that pushed him to attack her? What?” he asked confusion and worry mixing inside him. It should have been something ‘horrible’ if it had pushed Seishiro to react in such way.

“Seishiro-kun usually let his mother hurt him?” he was asked instead than being answered. He swallowed. It wasn’t particularly reassuring never getting an answer.

“Yes. I… I don’t know well all ‘she’ did to him, since it’s so hard to get details out of him but… but ‘she’ had… ‘she’ had really hurt him in the past, ‘she’…” he trailed off. It wasn’t his place to talk about it with Kobayashi-san.

“Have you ever witnessed her hurting him and Seishiro-kun… not reacting?” the man asked.

“Lot of people had. They just pretended not to see,” he said bitterly. “Short after we were back to Okinawa… we… we met ‘her’. We… we were with Hokuto-chan and Kuzuki-san. In a public place. ‘she’ hit Seishiro. ‘she’… ‘she’ slapped him really hard and he… he said nothing. He… he let ‘her’, he didn’t move, didn’t try to avoid it, didn’t hit ‘her’ back, nothing. It was as if he thought ‘she’ had the right to hit him.” He swallowed. “Maybe you think it was just a slap. But he got a swollen cheek for the rest of the day even if I put ice on it and Seishiro… he usually doesn’t let people to slap him… he… I knew ‘she’ had hurt him when he was younger, I knew ‘she’ had done to him much worse than just a slap and I knew Seishiro didn’t react back then too but… but he was a child back then and I thought now he would…” he had thought that now, since Seishiro was older and could defend himself, Seishiro wouldn’t have let her. Seishiro, always so strong and self assured, Seishiro that could defeat men stronger and bigger than him, that could stand up to more than one opponent… he wouldn’t have let that woman hurt him. He had witnessed firsthand how stupid his assumption had been. “He’s not capable to hurt ‘her’. I know. ‘she’ knows. ‘she’ takes advantage of it. I… I should have protected him from ‘her’. I should have done something… not faint at the first blow. I…” He chewed his lower lip. “‘She’ had been trying to hurt Seishiro from when we got back and Seishiro… he’s not capable to hurt ‘her’. No matter what ‘she’ would do to him. I can’t believe he had. ‘she’… ‘she’ must have done to him something really horrible for him to…”

“I see. It must have been the shock that pushed him to react in such way,” he heard the man’s voice commenting.

“Shock? Which sort of shock? What had ‘she’ done to Seishiro? Is he badly hurt?” he asked worriedly. Seishiro shocked? To the point he got aggressive toward his mother? What had happened when he had fainted? What had she done?

“Don’t worry. It’s nothing that being with you won’t fix,” it was the confusing reply and he was startled as an hand touched his head and began stroking his hair.

“I… I don’t get it…” he admitted forcing himself to relax a little as he told himself it was really stupid to be so ‘flinchy’ with Kobayashi-san. “Is… is Seishiro mad at me? For… for what had happened…” he asked quietly. Maybe the man wanted to imply once Seishiro had yelled at him he would feel better? Was that what Kobayashi-san was saying?

“Silly boy, he’s not mad but I think you’ll need to cuddle him a lot to make up to him and get well really fast,” he was told and Subaru wished it would be so simple, that he could make up for having been useless just doing that. “This means you’ve to try to rest now, Subaru-kun. No more worrying for you and no more questioning.”

“But Seishiro…” he tried to protest.

“Seishiro-kun will join you soon, you don’t have to worry about this,” he was told but Subaru didn’t feel particularly reassured.

“Kobayashi-san… you and Suzuki-san won’t let people to hurt him, will you? I… I’m not sure I can protect him now and here… here people… they don’t like him much, I don’t know why and he… I know sometimes Seishiro’s difficult but… but he’d been a little kid when all this started and… and… why no one had stopped that woman from… from…” he trailed off, unable to continue. The hand on his head caressed his hair some more. It was too bad it wasn’t that hand that Subaru wanted, no needed to caress him at the moment.

“She won’t hurt him anymore, Subaru-kun, I promise, be sure of this. Now try to rest a bit so when Seishiro-kun will be back he won’t have to worry, okay?”

“Okay,” he said obediently, although he knew he couldn’t absolutely sleep like that, not without Seishiro. He… he needed him. In that moment he needed him in exactly the same way as the air he breathed if not more.

“Good boy. Now I’ll tell your grandmother and sister they can enter and…”

“NO!” he exclaimed, panicking. “Please I… please I…”

“Subaru-kun?” Kobayashi-san’s voice sounded confused.

“I… I’m not… it’s just… I can’t… I…” he wasn’t able to add ‘I can’t bear them scolding me for how stupid, for how much of a failure I’ve been. I know I deserve it but… but please, not now…’ but maybe Kobayashi-san understood it anyway.

“You don’t feel like facing them now?”

“I… I just…” he shuddered. His grandmother would surely catch that chance to point out now he couldn’t absolutely go live with Seishiro, that they would never manage to live alone now that he was… that he was… and Hokuto… she would remind him how weak and frail and useless he was and that he couldn’t even protect himself so how could have he hoped to protect Seishiro? He… “I… I’m sorry… just… please…” he managed to say.

“Subaru-kun… you know… you’re very… understanding of Seishiro-kun’s condition. I mean… how he should have felt being mistreated by his mother, how hard it should have been for him,” the voice clarified gently but it sounded… wary, as if he was about to make an embarrassing question.

“Are you too going to say that, considering my ‘social condition’ I should have pretended not to see like everyone does and shouldn’t have associated with…”

“That wasn’t my intention,” he was cut in a firm tone. “It’s just it’s just… is easier to understand things, if one went through them himself… and you were used to say you and Seishiro-kun are alike in more than one thing…” There was a pause of silence that stretched uncomfortable between the two.

“I… I don’t understand…” Subaru admitted feeling rather confused. He heard a sigh then again Kobayashi-san’s voice.

“Has someone done to you what had been done to Seishiro-kun, Subaru-kun? Is that why you left Okinawa with him? Because someone was hurting you?” There was another moment of silence, longer this time, as Subaru processed the question and finally got what Kobayashi-san was trying to ask him.

“No,” he replied then and tried to shake his head before realizing it only made the pain in it worse. “No, no one had ever done to me the things Sakurazuka-san had done to Seishiro. I… No. Really. No one. It’s… I don’t think my relatives would ever been capable to think of doing it. Beating a family member up like that till he needs to be hospitalized or sexually abusing of him or allowing someone else doing it… no. I doubt they could ever conceive how someone could do it. It’s just… no one would allow such shame to fall on the family. It would ruin the family’s reputation, I bet they would be asked to commit Seppuku if they were to do so much as to think at it…” he tried to explain. “I guess… that’s part of why they don’t acknowledge what had been done to Seishiro. To them… it’s just unconceivable, something that doesn’t happen, that can’t happen in a normal family… at least… I think that’s the reason but I…” he trailed off. He actually wasn’t sure why his family refused to see what had been done to Seishiro when it was practically thrown under their eyes. “I don’t know…” he admitted tiredly. “I really don’t know. I’m not sure to understand them well… how they can ignore… pretend not to see…” he trailed off, unable to continue that sentence. “Seishiro… he’s special… he didn’t deserve what she had done to him… he didn’t deserve people pretending to ignore it and doing nothing to help him,” he stated instead in a firmer tone.

Again he was startled when he felt a hand on his head, to relax a bit when he realized it was only stroking his hair gently.

‘Kobayashi-san, it’s just Kobayashi-san, you idiot!’ he chided himself although a side of him really wished the man would stop touching him without warning since at the moment it only startled him.

“You care for him quite a lot,” he was told and he made an agreeing sound.

“Seishiro… Seishiro’s special. Seishiro… he always took care to make me happy, to keep me safe. When I’m with him… I’m happy. I… I don’t think I can be happy without him… It… it might sound stupid and nonsensical to you but I… I’m not capable to live without him… I… Kobayashi-san, I don’t get well what has happened but please, please, don’t let Seishiro be hurt! Please!” he begged trying to grasp the man’s hand. He felt his own meeting something warm and then being squeezed.

“Don’t worry, Subaru-kun. I won’t let you or Seishiro-kun be hurt,” he was told. “Now relax and try to rest.” He tried nodding, realized it hurt and said a weak yes. He didn’t think he could relax or rest but there was no point in openly disobeying in the man’s request so he attempted to do as he had been told as he mentally begged for Seishiro to be back as soon as possible.

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