Fanfic: Careful With What You Wish - Chap 35
Title: "Careful With What You Wish - Chap 35: I Love You"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the 'X' manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships, suicide attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and other things I might have forgotten... Deal with this fic with caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted? It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad Fuma's idea that Wishes must be fulfilled is and how stubborn Subaru can be no matter what happened to him.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" & "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko, Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary: After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling wishes...
‘We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.’ Andy Rooney
“Suki sa shibireru hodo
Suki sa kuyashii hodo
Osoreru mono wa nani mo nai
Suki sa wasurerarenai
Kiriganai amai kuchizuke o
Kaze ga muri ni hodoku
Tomaranai atsui tokimeki ni
Namida o misenai de
Suki sa shibireru hodo
Suki sa kuyashii hodo
Omotsumereba kurii sou
Suki sa hanashita kunai”
(“I love you, to my stupefaction.
I love you, love you with compunction.
There’s no longer anything to be fearful of;
I love you, I can’t just dismiss you.
We had to stop (stop) our own neverending sweet kiss
when a sudden sirocco flew by.
I cannot stop (stop) all the heat that comes from my heart;
Please don’t ever let me see you cry.
I love you, to my stupefaction.
I love you, love you with compunction.
I can’t go on cogitating without going mad;
I love you, I’ll never let go of you.”
(Anzen Chitai (Safety Zone) - “Sukisa”)
The following days were surprisingly quiet giving Seishiro, Subaru-kun, Yuzuriha-chan and Kamui-chan time to recover from their injuries. Plus Subaru-kun had finally started to eat almost regularly, rarely feeling sick afterward and seemed to have finally gotten used to his new perception of the world.
To be completely honest Seishiro had been a bit bothered by the urgency Subaru-kun seemed to have about getting used to said new perception. Seishiro might understand how Subaru-kun’s over-sensitivity could be a bit uncomfortable for the boy but he really didn’t see any reason to get up each day that early in the morning and get to bed that late at night to… practice getting _perfectly_ under control said over-sensitivity. After all it wasn’t as if Subaru-kun had to take part in any battle if Seishiro were to have a say in it and Seishiro always made sure to have a say in everything Subaru-kun was doing. Plus, for once, Hokuto-chan was a wonderful support in making sure to keep Subaru-kun out of trouble. Between the two of them they basically were managing to keep Subaru-kun under surveillance 48 hours at day, maybe more.
What was really unnerving was that Subaru-kun didn’t seem to notice their intention to keep him out of battles, or at least pretended not to. Well, no, Subaru-kun was totally unable to pretend anything but still that was the impression Seishiro received. The boy just behaved as if what they were doing was really very, very nice and appreciated but wouldn’t stop him from whatever he was planning. And he was planning something, of this Seishiro was sure.
To Seishiro all this was disconcerting.
His opinion had never come second best in Subaru-kun’s mind. Hokuto-chan was coping with the situation better. She just said that Subaru-kun had always been a stubborn child but that normally he was smart enough to avoid trouble and caring enough to avoid worrying others. Seishiro however didn’t like the whole situation they were in. He wasn’t used to having his opinion… neglected. Besides, even if Subaru-kun now smiled at him and was more affectionate and responsive than he had ever been before, he just felt… cut out as if he wasn’t Subaru-kun’s priority in life anymore.
Maybe it was also due to the fact that with all those Ten no Ryu around talking... no, bothering, it was definitely bothering, Subaru-kun he couldn’t keep the boy all to himself anymore. He was honestly regretting his decision to come live with all those people. Plus ‘slow and gentle’ wasn’t working fast enough in his opinion. There just hadn’t been enough progress and Subaru-kun didn’t seem to appreciate his attention anymore, nor his efforts to be patient.
That was why, that day, he ended up retreating to their room to think in peace. ‘Thinking’, that day, looked suspiciously like ‘sulking’ but he didn’t really care. Hokuto-chan could keep Subaru-kun under surveillance for a while. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do since the other Ten no Ryu were all out, gone talking to another of their helpers in their little, pointless crusade to save the world, and anyway, Seishiro deserved some free time on his own. Not that he liked to be without Subaru-kun around, it was just that having Subaru-kun around and still being ignored by him (or, at least, not being paid the proper amount of well deserved attention), was hard to swallow so he decided he needed some time to think (sulk) on his own. He didn’t expect however, to have Subaru-kun join him almost immediately.
“What’s wrong? If I have done something wrong I’m sorry…” the boy began to say in a very concerned tone, wrapping his arms around him from behind and Seishiro fought back an unpleasant sense of déjà-vu, as he was suddenly reminded of something similar happening after the destruction of Sunshine 60. He turned abruptly to trap Subaru-kun into a tight hug, nuzzling his face against Subaru-kun’s hair, inhaling the boy’s scent deeply and pulling him against himself as much as he could, to make sure he was really there, with him. No, he told himself, no, what had happened back then wasn’t going to happen again. Never. Subaru-kun would remain with him forever and ever and nobody, _NOBODY_ would manage to tear them apart again.
“I miss you, Subaru-kun. I miss you so much…” he murmured, still holding him as tightly as he could against himself, enjoying how Subaru-kun was snuggling into his embrace, returning it in his own much gentler way.
“I’m right here,” the boy assured him, although he sounded slightly confused, as if he really didn’t realize how far he had been from Seishiro in the last days and maybe he really didn’t understand. Maybe he was still slightly confused because of the strange situation they were in.
“You’re here with your body,” he agreed, kissing the boy’s temple. “But, Subaru-kun… where’s your mind?” he asked, trailing his fingers gently through Subaru-kun’s hair, before distancing himself from him as much as he needed to look him in the eyes.
“With you, where else?” Subaru-kun replied, looking at him with a confused yet inquisitive expression. Seishiro shook his head. Sometimes Subaru-kun could be so dense… how could he think the minimal attention he was paying him could be considered ‘being with him’?
“You’ve got something on your mind, Subaru-kun, I know you do,” he stated and stopped any protest the boy could utter by placing a finger on his lips. “You’re an open book to me, Subaru-kun, no point in denying what is really obvious to my eyes. I know you’ve got something on your mind the same way as I know you remember more about your past than what you let Hokuto-chan believe,” he added, studying him carefully. He saw Subaru-kun frowning and looking down with an expression that meant he was going to be stubborn about his own ideas.
“I’m not like before. I don’t want her to get wrong ideas about me,” he stated. Seishiro studied him carefully, caressing his cheek gently, soothingly, with his thumb, appreciating how Subaru-kun leaned into his touch, before asking his next question.
“Do you want to be like you were before?” he asked in a quiet whisper, not really wishing to say out loud those words but needing to know the answer. “Do you want to go back to that time in which you lived with them and…”
“No. Never,” the boy replied in a very firm, very honest, very raw voice as if what he had been before had been very bad, shaking his head as well and clinging a little tighter to Seishiro.
“Subaru-kun… were they mean to you?” he asked confused. How could they? Subaru-kun had been such a sweet, adorable, obedient child. Who would ever be able to be mean to him?
“Not mean just… I didn’t like it. I didn’t like that life,” Subaru replied, burying his head against Seishiro-san’s chest. He didn’t remember that much from his past life but he had a thing clear in his mind. A feeling of being inadequate, a deep fear of not being enough, not being good enough, of always doing something wrong, of being forced into a direction that he didn’t want to go, into things that he didn’t want to do. Seishiro-san had pulled him toward a direction or another as well but never… that much. It was a childlike type of pull that Seishiro-san had used with him, that of a bratty boy who wanted him do what he said, who wanted him to play with him in a game of his own choosing and according to his own rules. If Subaru were to say ‘no’, to refuse to play with him, Seishiro-san would pout, whine, whimper and stomp his feet in such a cute manner that Subaru wouldn’t have the heart to really keep denying him. Subaru knew Seishiro-san wanted him to want what he wanted, wanted him to agree with him, not just to obey him. The few times he had imposed obedience on him he had also taken care to make up with him after it. “I… I only want to stay with you…”
“Subaru-kun…” Seishiro whispered then moved to kiss the boy’s temple again. Kisses trailed lower, slowly hands moved to slide under the boy’s shirt and he wanted… he wanted… he… he stilled, frowning and feeling displeased. It wasn’t that Subaru-kun had flinched away or that he had frozen or… something else. It was just the realization that Subaru-kun was controlling whatever instinct was screaming inside him to pull away so that he could submit to his touch. What he had exchanged for nervousness in the previous days now, he realized, was just control. The truth was that the boy didn’t want that, didn’t want to be touched by him, but didn’t want to tell him that either and this made it even worse somehow, as if he no longer trusted in Seishiro ability to understand and make everything better as he’d been doing for most of Subaru-kun’s life. It was… irritating, well, no actually it wasn’t irritating, it was something else, something that hurt, but Seishiro had no words to define it, so ‘irritating’ would do as he pulled away from Subaru-kun abruptly.
Subaru-kun stared at him in confusion, wide green eyes, reflecting a mix of hurt and fear and somehow seeing he caused Subaru-kun to have such an expression didn’t improve his mood one bit.
“If you don’t want to do it, just say so,” he spat coldly, letting go of him and sticking his hands into his pockets, refusing to do so much as to touch him.
“Seishiro-san…” Subaru-kun almost whimpered, raising a hand toward the other man but not daring to touch him either.
“Don’t ‘Seishiro-san’ me. I’m not the Chi no Ryu’s Kamui. If you don’t want to do it you should just say so,” he continued, still in that cold tone he’d used so rarely on him, because he knew it was difficult for Subaru-kun to cope with it, and really, it normally wasn’t needed with the boy but his patience had run out and he was tired of being the considerate one when Subaru-kun didn’t even make the effort to trust him.
“But you want to do it…” Subaru-kun replied as if he really couldn’t understand the point of that whole discussion and this was so… so very… irritating…
“That’s not the point! I want to do it with _you_! If I have to do it with _myself_ because your mind is miles away or it’s not even enjoying what I do, then I don’t need your presence in this room!” he retorted, sounding truly angry now. Subaru-kun lowered his head, looking like a beaten puppy.
“I’m sorry, I… I…” he babbled, hugging himself as if he was about to fall to pieces and maybe he hadn’t recovered as much as Seishiro thought and this was really a bit too much for him. Besides Seishiro had never meant to get into an argument with him so why were they arguing? He sighed then rested his hands on the boy’s shoulders, well, actually he gripped them a bit tighter than he should, trying to force himself to keep calm.
“Don’t say you’re sorry, Subaru-kun. Say what you want. I thought you know I’ll do what you want. I’ll play along with it as long as you need it, but, if you keep silent, I can’t read your mind! I need you to tell me what you want! Shouldn’t you trust me by now?” he demanded and Subaru-kun looked at him helplessly.
“But I want you…” the boy whimpered.
“That’s not…” Seishiro began irritably then trailed off. He knew Subaru-kun wasn’t the type who would lie so the boy did want him on some level. But then why… “Then what’s the problem?” he asked, forcing himself to use a gentler tone.
“I’m just… scared…” Subaru-kun whispered, looking down and still hugging himself, looking like he was about to curl into a little ball of misery and wanted to be left alone and Seishiro mentally cursed the Chi no Ryu’s Kamui in all the words he knew for having instilled this irrational fear into Subaru-kun.
“Subaru-kun,” he said slowly, as calmly and gently as he could. “You know I won’t force you or hurt you, don’t you?” He got a nod in reply, small but firm and his grip on the boy’s shoulders loosened slightly as he felt an odd sensation of relief. He tilted his head. “Then, Subaru-kun, why are you scared of me?” he asked but this time he got no reply as Subaru-kun merely chewed his lower lip nervously, not daring to look at him. He stroked the boy’s shoulders gently, soothing any bruise his grip might have caused. “Subaru-kun… Have I ever made you feel forced in the past? Have I ever hurt you without meaning to? Is that what those mean?” he asked, slowly moving to take Subaru-kun’s left wrist in his hand and brushing his thumb over the scars there, before gently pulling it closer to himself so he could kiss the scars slowly and gently, as he’d done so many times in the past, as if this was enough to soothe them away. Subaru-kun, to his great relief, shook his head.
“No, that was just…” the boy began, shaking his head then trailed off.
“Just?” Seishiro prodded. Before Subaru-kun hadn’t been able to remember what had happened. It was as if he had just… blacked out every time it had happened. Even if Seishiro had always refused to consider the possibility, he knew there was quite a good chance that those holes in the boy’s memory were simply caused by a shortcut of his spell. Subaru-kun’s own will clashing with what the boy believed was his will and instead was the mere result of Seishiro’s art.
“You weren’t there,” Subaru-kun finished so very quietly Seishiro almost missed it.
“I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there and that’s why you cut yourself,” Seishiro repeated confused. He could understand if this had happened only after the spell had been broken. They had definitely been separated from each other back then but the other times… granted, he hadn’t been right next to Subaru-kun, but he was just in a different room, not on the other side of the city! Subaru-kun could bear being alone, he’d left him alone here and there! He…
“You weren’t there, I wanted you to be there and you weren’t there and I knew I had no right to ask but I wanted you there and it hurt and… and I couldn’t stand it…” Subaru-kun blurted out hurriedly, nervously, still not looking at him, his body trembling slightly as if he was a scared child.
“Subaru-kun, I was just in another room…” he reasoned, wrapping his arm around him and pulling him closer.
“But I wanted you with me and you weren’t…” the boy murmured, sounding very much like a child as he leaned heavily against him, pale hands clinging to him. Seishiro, rubbed his back soothingly as tried to go back with his mind to those moments. The first time it had happened Subaru-kun had been pretty young and it was the morning after they had for the first time… Subaru-kun must have been still scared, confused after what had happened, likely a bit sore and more emotionally sensitive than usual. What had happened must have had an impact on him and Seishiro had behaved normally instead as if what had happened had been a normal occurrence. As if what happened hadn’t been important. Probably it wasn’t just that Subaru-kun had wanted him there with him, it was that he had needed him there, that he had needed to be reassured by his presence and instead…
‘You weren’t there, I wanted you to be there and you weren’t there and I knew I had no right to ask but I wanted you there and it hurt and… and I couldn’t stand it…’
… And he had believed his need unimportant to Seishiro. Silly, silly boy. Seishiro wrapped both his arms tightly around him, as if to shield him from the world.
“I guess… I’ve been careless. I hadn’t thought you might want me to be with you, that I should have been there and, anyway, if you had asked, I would have stayed, I would have stayed and I would have fussed over you for as long as you wanted. I wouldn’t have left you alone…” he assured him and he was sure he would have done it. He had never minded fussing over Subaru-kun and, when he’d found the boy had hurt himself, he had… fine, he had panicked for the first time in his life, unable, for the first time, to face the situation in front of himself. And when it had happened a second time, and a third time, and… and… He remembered those sleepless nights, sleepless night spent just staring at Subaru-kun, not knowing how to protect him, fearing he would end up losing him. “I never meant to hurt you or make you feel neglected, Subaru-kun…” he assured him.
“I know…” the boy mumbled, his voice muffled as he buried his face against Seishiro.
“Then what scares you so? If you know that I won’t hurt you and that I won’t force you why are you so scared? I’ll stay this time, I’ll stay for as long you want, I won’t even consider letting you out of my sight, I…”
“But ‘he’ said…” Subaru-kun trailed off as he clung tighter, almost convulsively to Seishiro, unable to go on. However there was no need for him to specify who was the ‘he’ he was referring to.
“I’m going to kill that brat!” Seishiro hissed, pulling him even closer. “He filled your head with foolishness if he tried to imply I wanted you hurt!” he stated angrily but Subaru-kun said nothing and merely continued to cling to him. “Subaru-kun, I never wanted that! You know you’re my most precious possession! I would never mistreat you!” Seishiro affirmed heatedly.
“But he sounded like you,” Subaru-kun whimpered in a small voice. “And he looked like you. And I knew he wasn’t you but I couldn’t really help seeing you, so I tried not to look but that was even worse and he kept talking and saying those things and I… and I… and I…”
Seishiro held him, tightly, as Subaru-kun proceeded to cry his heart out. It was still there, pain, fear, shame, all bottled up inside the boy, all trapped inside him and refusing to leave him and he couldn’t help, he could do nothing to erase it.
“I want you, Seishiro-san… but I can’t help thinking… and everything blurs and ‘he’… I’m so sorry… Seishiro-san, I’m so…”
“Seishiro,” he stated, interrupting his babbling and Subaru-kun blinked in surprise, looking up at him in confusion and sniffling slightly. “You should call me just Seishiro, Subaru-kun,” he explained softly. “We have known each other for a lifetime and more intimately than anyone else. It’s not fair your sister takes more liberties with me than you,” he concluded with a gentle smile, pleased by how this was temporally distracting Subaru-kun from what was hurting him.
“But… but it would be impolite and you too don’t call me just Subaru,” the boy reasoned.
“Then… would you mind if I…?” he asked, grinning as he was sliding his hand through Subaru-kun’s hair gently. Subaru shook his head.
“No, no, Seishiro-san, I wouldn’t…” Seishiro pressed his finger on his lips.
“Seishiro. Just Seishiro. Say my name… Say my name, Subaru… my Subaru… mine… all mine…” he murmured in Subaru’s ear before kissing his neck.
“S… Seishiro…” the boy whispered, wrapping his arms around Seishiro’s neck. “S… Seishiro…” Seishiro turned to look at him.
“Subaru… What do you want to do… Subaru…?” he asked gently, kissing the tip of the boy’s nose. “We’ll do whatever you want to do, only what you want to do…” he said, caressing his cheek lightly. “There’s no need to be scared. We won’t do anything you don’t like and I won’t leave, I’ll never leave you again… so… what do you want?”
“I… whatever… whatever you want… S… Seishiro…” the boy stammered, still sounding nervous and distressed. Seishiro sighed and rested his forehead against Subaru’s.
“Subaru… we’ll do what I want later. Now we’ll do what you want. What do you want… Subaru?”
“I? I want what you want…” the boy insisted, sounding confused, as if he really had no wishes of his own. Seishiro considered groaning, then decided to keep on being patient and trying another approach to the problem.
“Fine… Subaru… What do I want?” he then asked gently.
“I… I don’t know… I’m not sure… I…” he admitted, looking as if he felt guilty about it. Seishiro simply smiled.
“Welcome to my world,” he stated with good humour. “I want what you want, you want what I want. The question is, what do we want?” The boy stared at him in confusion, looking like he expected Seishiro to find the solution to their problem because for him it was simply too big a task.
“I… I don’t know… I…” he confessed anyway.
“Subaru… do you know what you don’t want?” he asked, keeping his tone gentle and soothing as he smiled fondly at him. A hesitant nod was all he got in reply. “Good. Same here. I absolutely don’t want to do what you don’t want to do, okay?” Another nod. Good, maybe this might work. “Now… Subaru… let’s try to discover what we want, okay?” More nodding, done with a bit more of confidence. Good he thought as he hugged the boy, tightly, yet carefully so as not to make him feel confined. “Subaru… you have to tell me if I do something you don’t like, okay? Even if it’s just a silly, little thing. I will stop immediately, there will be no need to be scared, do you understand this?” No answer. “Subaru… I mean it.”
“I… I know… it’s just…”
“I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do. I promise. Whatever it is I won’t do it,” he said firmly.
“I know,” the boy replied, finally sounding a little more confident. “I trust you. I… I love you… you know…” he added, blushing adorably. Seishiro blinked, feeling slightly confused at that.
“Do you really?” he asked in an almost incredulous tone. Sure, the boy _was supposed_ to love him because that was what he wanted him to do it but… without a spell influencing his thoughts, did Subaru-kun still feel that way?
“Don’t you know? I already told you many times. Didn’t you believe me?” Subaru asked, looking at him questioningly. He really couldn’t believe the man hadn’t realized how badly he loved him, how he loved him despite everything and no matter what.
“Yes, but it was before and before…” Seishiro tried to explain.
“Oh, yeah, before there was that ‘thing’…” the boy stated bitterly, lowering his eyes. “It made everything I did meaningless…” he added with a whimper. The ‘thing’ being that stupid, stupid spell that Seishiro was starting to hate for all the troubles it had caused them. Sure, in the beginning it had made things easier for him in a fashion but in the end the results were unsatisfying and he had to pay too high a price. Oh, well, now it was out of the way.
“No, not meaningless. What you did was never meaningless,” he assured him gently. “I just didn’t know how to put it into the right proportions but now that ‘thing’ won’t get between the two of us ever again and you’re free to love me as much as you want and everything will go well. I promise,” he stated as he kissed him gently on his lips, a rather innocent kiss, very much like the first they had shared.
After all, it was just a matter of discovering what Subaru was comfortable with, which also meant he had to avoid whatever Kamui might have done to Subaru. From what Hokuto-chan had told him he had the impression the boy had been pretty rough with Subaru, which was probably why Subaru took it a bit better if he was slow and very gentle. Maybe the bastard had even done something that Subaru would have considered Seishiro’s style. It wasn’t the time to try out new things, new things had always made Subaru tense, but he couldn’t follow their usual pattern either. It was going to be a challenge, he thought. Normally he liked challenges only at that moment he would have gladly done without it, he mused as he busied himself with kissing Subaru’s neck, still slowly and gently. Experimentally he trailed his teeth over it, not in a bite, just a mere brush and felt Subaru tensing immediately. He frowned slightly as he kissed the same spot thoroughly, trying to soothe Subaru’s fears, trying to assure him he had nothing to fear, then moved to kiss Subaru’s mouth. How could he do this without making him nervous? Subaru seemed to tense so very easily… What could he do to make him relax and enjoy what they were doing instead of flinching back in fear or forcing himself to keep still? What?
“S… Seishiro?” the boy called his name in a weak voice, hands clinging nervously to Seishiro’s shirt.
“Hmm?” he murmured, pausing from his ministrations. “Something wrong?”
“Say something… anything… Please… just… say something…” he begged, unable to bear that silence any longer. If Seishiro kept being silent the only one he was hearing was Kamui, Kamui whispering in his ear, his voice echoing in his head and he… he didn’t want to remember that. He…
He squeezed his eyes shut against the memory, burying his face against Seishiro.
“Subaru… Look at me… Subaru… I’m here… I’m right next to you…” Seishiro told him soothingly, his hand on Subaru’s cheek, gently turning his head so that as Subaru opened his eyes slowly he could see it was true, it was Seishiro, Seishiro was next to him, concerned, gentle eyes staring at him and he clung to him like a child in search of protection, calling him over and over. He wanted Seishiro, truly wanted him he just… was scared. Seishiro let him, nuzzling against him gently, caressing him slowly, placing small kisses on top of his head as he had done when Subaru was a kid and had just awoken from a bad nightmare. He’d always liked that, the feeling of Seishiro’s fingers caressing him, the way the man kissed him soothingly, the way he held him in a bizarre mix of gentleness and possessiveness that was so very like the man, who had always clung to him like a child to his favourite and very highly treasured Teddy Bear.
He was unprepared to have Seishiro suddenly sit down on the bed, dragging him to sit on his lap, so that Subaru was kind of straddling him. He blinked in confusion and Seishiro smiled up at him, up because in that position Subaru was slightly taller, and just hugged him, caressing him gently, giving him time to get used to the switch in position and Subaru slowly let himself relax a bit as he hugged him back.
Nice.
It was so nice to be like that, as if he still was a child in Seishiro’s care and had nothing, absolutely nothing to worry about because around Seishiro he was perfectly safe…
It had been since long from the last time he’d sat on Seishiro’s lap like that…
Besides like this he didn’t feel trapped but he was still close to Seishiro, still being held by him. It felt kind of safe and brought back childhood memories, besides Seishiro wasn’t trying to undress him, wasn’t making it ‘his goal of the day’, he was just… cuddling him, caressing him, kissing him, and it was safe, it was nice, and he didn’t even realize when they began kissing. First it was in a rather gentle and innocent way, like at the very beginning of their relationship, when Subaru still had no idea what lovemaking was and Seishiro had to teach him, and it was gentle, so very gentle, and Seishiro was whispering his name between a kiss and another… just his name… he kept whispering his name so that Subaru wouldn’t have to hear Kamui’s voice echoing in his head, just Seishiro’s… and he liked that… he liked that… he had missed that, being together and yet being safe and unconsciously he tugged at Seishiro’s shirt and he blushed, realizing what he had done, pausing temporarily, but Seishiro simply smiled as he ruffled his hair, assuring him that everything was all right before unlatching his shirt’s buttons, freeing himself of it and dropping it to the ground.
Subaru stared at him, not really knowing what to do and Seishiro just chuckled and pulled him back close again, resuming to cuddle him as he whispered in his ear ‘better now?’ and Subaru hesitated only a moment before hugging him tightly and it felt better, definitely better, so much better to be that close, to feel again Seishiro’s skin under his fingers, hearing Seishiro chuckling and assuring him again that they would do everything Subaru wanted to do and nothing else…
It didn’t take long however before Subaru realized his shirt too was in the way and he felt silly because he had no idea how to remove it because that had always been Seishiro’s job but Seishiro wasn’t trying to do it and he couldn’t do it, he had _never_ done it during lovemaking and… he flushed as he gripped it experimentally, tugging at it weakly, too unsure and scared to accomplish anything.
Seishiro didn’t hurry him, he just whispered reassuring nonsense into his ears as he pushed him closer to better kiss his neck without trying to push him to remove it, as if to say it was okay - whatever Subaru wanted to do. Only… one of Seishiro’s hands had found a tiny patch of skin that Subaru had exposed when he had tugged at his shirt and now he was exploring it and it was gentle, so gentle and he wanted more and… and it was okay, it was just Seishiro and Seishiro would never hurt him, would he? He thought as he nervously tried again to clumsily remove his shirt. He stilled as he felt Seishiro’s hands over his but the man wasn’t hurrying him, just resting them over his, as if to offer help, whatever Subaru would decide to do.
“Help me?” Subaru whispered and Seishiro just smiled and commented Subaru was a very spoiled kid as he helped him to remove shirt and undershirt and to send them to keep company to Seishiro’s on the floor.
“It’s all right,” Seishiro assured him, before gently caressing Subaru’s now naked skin. “It’s all right,” he repeated and Subaru let himself be cuddled and fussed over, not really knowing if they could move forward further. This was the point they had reached in the previous days and even if this time he felt kind of better, better because he didn’t feel forced, he didn’t feel like he had to do it to not disappoint Seishiro, he… was still scared, he realized as he clung to the man and this was spoiling everything, this was…
“Still scared?” Seishiro asked him and he could only reply with a weak ‘I’m sorry’. “It’s okay,” Seishiro assured him but it wasn’t okay and they both knew.
“It’s not,” Subaru countered bitterly. “I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to…” ‘… never be able to make love with you again without feeling scared as hell,’ he thought but didn’t say out loud.
“It’s okay,” Seishiro repeated again, taking Subaru’s face in his hands and kissing him. “I said we do what you want and that we won’t do what you don’t want. So stop worrying okay? Let’s not rush things.” He felt Subaru taking his hand into his own, pressing it against his cheek.
“I love you. I miss you. It’s just…”
“Don’t think of the little monster. He has no right to claim your attention when you’re with me,” Seishiro stated and being jealous was so like Seishiro Subaru couldn’t help but chuckle at that as Seishiro pulled him close again. “Think only of me, okay?” he commanded, though his tone was gentle.
“Only of you,” Subaru agreed, though it wasn’t that simple. They went back to kissing and caressing as Seishiro spoke of… nothing really, just a way to let Subaru hear his voice, to let Subaru get back again, used to the feeling of what they were doing.
“Say something,” Seishiro requested all of sudden and Subaru blinked in confusion.
“Something?” he echoed.
“Say you love me,” he suggested. “Say it. Over and over until the end of time. I’ll never tire of hearing you say it,” he promised, grinning as Subaru smiled at him.
“I love you,” he said obediently. “I love you, I love you so much,” he began repeating as if it was a magic spell. In a fashion it was. It distracted him from thinking back to what had happened to him in the past, keeping him focused solely on the present, on what they were doing, on the feeling of _Seishiro’s_ hands and lips on him which still felt so nice… so very nice… and then Seishiro let himself fall on the bed, pulling Subaru down as well, allowing Subaru to sit on top of him and it felt kind of weird to be over Seishiro all of sudden, as if Subaru was the dominating one, and they both smiled at each over before rolling slightly so they were side to side, Subaru’s head resting on Seishiro’s arm, which had to be kind of uncomfortable since this way he couldn’t move that arm much but Seishiro wasn’t complaining, he was just smiling at him and making good use of his free arm and it was okay because he wasn’t trying anything that would hurt… anything that felt scary, forceful…
“I love you,” he repeated and thought this was a lot like the first time they had made love. With Seishiro cuddling him and fussing over him and Subaru trying to reciprocate the affection in a rather shy and clumsy way. He had been scared back then too and yet… nothing bad had happened, Seishiro had taken good care of him, had made sure Subaru could enjoy it. His smile widened as he thought that really, Seishiro would never, ever change and maybe that was why he loved him so much.
“I love you. I love you so much…” he assured him. He was with Seishiro… just Seishiro… the Seishiro he loved… the Seishiro who kept telling him he was safe, he was with him, nothing would hurt him ever again, and he had no idea how they ended up rolling on the bed, stroking against each other but it was nice because it was just the two of them and he had missed Seishiro so much… and he wanted him so much… his hands, his lips, his arms, his body… just the two of them and it didn’t hurt, and he wasn’t restrained, forced just… loved, cherished as something beautiful and precious, as only Seishiro could do.
As Subaru let himself be cuddled and coddled, Seishiro held onto his control, control that was dangerously slipping from his fingers, knowing he couldn’t let it go. As long as he didn’t try anything too fast Subaru was a willing enough partner, as he had been before that mess happened. It was just a matter of repeating the same thing over and over, teasing the boy, teasing him until he felt like moving a bit further. Only, while Subaru’s fear managed to hold the boy down without too any problem, it was damn hard for Seishiro to tease Subaru and not get excited himself. Subaru knew damn well what he liked and how and, unlike him, he didn’t have to be wary of doing it.
He had no idea what made the boy simply irresistible to him, if it was those tiny breathless sounds he made, or how he whispered ‘I love you’ so sweetly, or the way his fingers slid over his skin, so gently and yet in the way he preferred, or maybe those shy kisses and tender nips, or that delicious timid smile, or the adorable slight blush or the vulnerable look he still had, because his Subaru was frail, so frail… even more than before… but now Subaru was back with him again and he would take good care of him…
They playfully rolled on the bed some more, as he fumbled for an acceptable position. Seishiro knew, if things were to progress, Subaru wouldn’t really know how to handle being on top since that had always been Seishiro’s position, while Seishiro wanted to be on top but feared that would make feel Subaru trapped and he didn’t want to waste the progresses they had just made…
And the afternoon light entering the room from the window didn’t make the atmosphere intimate.
Seishiro wasn’t exactly sure how he had pushed them both under the covers, it seemed a silly idea but he knew Subaru has always favoured darkness (light made him unfailingly embarrassed) and it turned out to be a good plan because he heard the boy suppressing an amused chuckle at that unexpected change before snuggling closer and this brought back memories of nights of thunderstorms spent under the covers with Subaru clinging to him as they tried to read horror tales under the pale light of a flashlight and somehow it was working to keep Subaru’s mind away from dark thoughts he realized as the world was reduced to just the two of them to the point he wasn’t exactly sure how they had finally got completely undressed. Soon things began to feel simply too good to bother rationalizing it and, even though Subaru still tensed up here and there, it was easy to dissipate his fear and then the boy hid in his arms and wrapped his legs around him as Seishiro whispered reassuring nonsense and kissed him and… and…
It was only when he slumped on Subaru, quite exhausted but very satisfied he realized they had made it. He immediately rolled on his side, dragging Subaru with him, so to not break their hold but to not rest on him or make him feel trapped either. The boy was still clinging to him rather tightly even if his hold had loosened a bit compared to before.
“Subaru… is it everything okay?” he asked concerned. He hadn’t messed up, had he? He’d been so careful not to be forceful…
“Don’t leave…” was the anxious reply. “Don’t ever leave. I… I love you. Don’t leave.”
“Silly, why should I?” he asked puzzled. Okay, so in the past he had left him and that had caused the ‘incidents’ but that had been only in the morning when he had gone to take a shower. Never in the immediate aftermath. “Don’t worry, I don’t plan to let you out of my sight, no matter what,” he promised before kissing Subaru’s forehead. “Rest a bit like a good boy now. You’re probably tired enough.”
“I… it’s just I’ve the feeling that if we part, we’ll never see each other again…” Subaru admitted as he snuggled closer, Seishiro’s arms circling him protectively.
“Subaru… there’s no way in hell that someone will keep us parted,” Seishiro stated firmly. “I’ll kill anyone who will do so much as to think it.”
“Then don’t leave…” Subaru whimpered, his voice muffled against Seishiro’s chest.
“Don’t worry… I won’t leave… We’ll never be parted…” Seishiro stated, planning to never leave Subaru alone, no matter what. He would stay with him this time and make sure nobody would hurt him.
Of course he couldn’t guess he wouldn’t be the one who would leave that night, leave to turn a dream into reality, a dream of death and destruction orchestrated by someone who’d been plotting in the shadows for a long time, playing with the destinies of them all. Seishiro couldn’t guess and so he remained where he was, happily wrapped around Subaru as they were slowly falling asleep.
To be continued...
JJ's Extra Notes:
I’ve hated the demo version of this chapter and despite making assorted changes to it I still can’t stomach it. Lovemaking just isn’t my thing. It didn’t help at all that Subaru, despite wanting Seishiro, had been traumatized by Fuma… I fear I horribly failed in portraying his state correctly but I don’t think he would have remained stuck forever in that situation, he would have tried to move forward only… I fear I didn’t represent it well enough. Sorry about this.
Dictionary:
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
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You can also read the demo version of this fic here.
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It requires knowledge of the 'X' manga. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, twisted relationships, suicide attempts, mentions of abuse, violence, general insanity and other things I might have forgotten... Deal with this fic with caution...
Notes: This is dark and twisted, dark and twisted, dark and twisted... have I mentioned it's dark and twisted? It's born to show a less nice Seishiro, how bad Fuma's idea that Wishes must be fulfilled is and how stubborn Subaru can be no matter what happened to him.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" & "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks:
To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
To Moko, Tanuki-dono, Meffie, Sakanagi and Yupita for supporting me while writing this fic! Thank you a lot!
Summary: After meeting Subaru in his Maboroshi 16 years ago Seishiro chose to keep him and placed him under a spell so that he would obey to him. Now, in the year of the destiny he has to face Sumeragi Hokuto who wants her brother back and Monou Fuma's obsession for fulfilling wishes...
‘We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.’ Andy Rooney
“Suki sa shibireru hodo
Suki sa kuyashii hodo
Osoreru mono wa nani mo nai
Suki sa wasurerarenai
Kiriganai amai kuchizuke o
Kaze ga muri ni hodoku
Tomaranai atsui tokimeki ni
Namida o misenai de
Suki sa shibireru hodo
Suki sa kuyashii hodo
Omotsumereba kurii sou
Suki sa hanashita kunai”
(“I love you, to my stupefaction.
I love you, love you with compunction.
There’s no longer anything to be fearful of;
I love you, I can’t just dismiss you.
We had to stop (stop) our own neverending sweet kiss
when a sudden sirocco flew by.
I cannot stop (stop) all the heat that comes from my heart;
Please don’t ever let me see you cry.
I love you, to my stupefaction.
I love you, love you with compunction.
I can’t go on cogitating without going mad;
I love you, I’ll never let go of you.”
(Anzen Chitai (Safety Zone) - “Sukisa”)
The following days were surprisingly quiet giving Seishiro, Subaru-kun, Yuzuriha-chan and Kamui-chan time to recover from their injuries. Plus Subaru-kun had finally started to eat almost regularly, rarely feeling sick afterward and seemed to have finally gotten used to his new perception of the world.
To be completely honest Seishiro had been a bit bothered by the urgency Subaru-kun seemed to have about getting used to said new perception. Seishiro might understand how Subaru-kun’s over-sensitivity could be a bit uncomfortable for the boy but he really didn’t see any reason to get up each day that early in the morning and get to bed that late at night to… practice getting _perfectly_ under control said over-sensitivity. After all it wasn’t as if Subaru-kun had to take part in any battle if Seishiro were to have a say in it and Seishiro always made sure to have a say in everything Subaru-kun was doing. Plus, for once, Hokuto-chan was a wonderful support in making sure to keep Subaru-kun out of trouble. Between the two of them they basically were managing to keep Subaru-kun under surveillance 48 hours at day, maybe more.
What was really unnerving was that Subaru-kun didn’t seem to notice their intention to keep him out of battles, or at least pretended not to. Well, no, Subaru-kun was totally unable to pretend anything but still that was the impression Seishiro received. The boy just behaved as if what they were doing was really very, very nice and appreciated but wouldn’t stop him from whatever he was planning. And he was planning something, of this Seishiro was sure.
To Seishiro all this was disconcerting.
His opinion had never come second best in Subaru-kun’s mind. Hokuto-chan was coping with the situation better. She just said that Subaru-kun had always been a stubborn child but that normally he was smart enough to avoid trouble and caring enough to avoid worrying others. Seishiro however didn’t like the whole situation they were in. He wasn’t used to having his opinion… neglected. Besides, even if Subaru-kun now smiled at him and was more affectionate and responsive than he had ever been before, he just felt… cut out as if he wasn’t Subaru-kun’s priority in life anymore.
Maybe it was also due to the fact that with all those Ten no Ryu around talking... no, bothering, it was definitely bothering, Subaru-kun he couldn’t keep the boy all to himself anymore. He was honestly regretting his decision to come live with all those people. Plus ‘slow and gentle’ wasn’t working fast enough in his opinion. There just hadn’t been enough progress and Subaru-kun didn’t seem to appreciate his attention anymore, nor his efforts to be patient.
That was why, that day, he ended up retreating to their room to think in peace. ‘Thinking’, that day, looked suspiciously like ‘sulking’ but he didn’t really care. Hokuto-chan could keep Subaru-kun under surveillance for a while. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do since the other Ten no Ryu were all out, gone talking to another of their helpers in their little, pointless crusade to save the world, and anyway, Seishiro deserved some free time on his own. Not that he liked to be without Subaru-kun around, it was just that having Subaru-kun around and still being ignored by him (or, at least, not being paid the proper amount of well deserved attention), was hard to swallow so he decided he needed some time to think (sulk) on his own. He didn’t expect however, to have Subaru-kun join him almost immediately.
“What’s wrong? If I have done something wrong I’m sorry…” the boy began to say in a very concerned tone, wrapping his arms around him from behind and Seishiro fought back an unpleasant sense of déjà-vu, as he was suddenly reminded of something similar happening after the destruction of Sunshine 60. He turned abruptly to trap Subaru-kun into a tight hug, nuzzling his face against Subaru-kun’s hair, inhaling the boy’s scent deeply and pulling him against himself as much as he could, to make sure he was really there, with him. No, he told himself, no, what had happened back then wasn’t going to happen again. Never. Subaru-kun would remain with him forever and ever and nobody, _NOBODY_ would manage to tear them apart again.
“I miss you, Subaru-kun. I miss you so much…” he murmured, still holding him as tightly as he could against himself, enjoying how Subaru-kun was snuggling into his embrace, returning it in his own much gentler way.
“I’m right here,” the boy assured him, although he sounded slightly confused, as if he really didn’t realize how far he had been from Seishiro in the last days and maybe he really didn’t understand. Maybe he was still slightly confused because of the strange situation they were in.
“You’re here with your body,” he agreed, kissing the boy’s temple. “But, Subaru-kun… where’s your mind?” he asked, trailing his fingers gently through Subaru-kun’s hair, before distancing himself from him as much as he needed to look him in the eyes.
“With you, where else?” Subaru-kun replied, looking at him with a confused yet inquisitive expression. Seishiro shook his head. Sometimes Subaru-kun could be so dense… how could he think the minimal attention he was paying him could be considered ‘being with him’?
“You’ve got something on your mind, Subaru-kun, I know you do,” he stated and stopped any protest the boy could utter by placing a finger on his lips. “You’re an open book to me, Subaru-kun, no point in denying what is really obvious to my eyes. I know you’ve got something on your mind the same way as I know you remember more about your past than what you let Hokuto-chan believe,” he added, studying him carefully. He saw Subaru-kun frowning and looking down with an expression that meant he was going to be stubborn about his own ideas.
“I’m not like before. I don’t want her to get wrong ideas about me,” he stated. Seishiro studied him carefully, caressing his cheek gently, soothingly, with his thumb, appreciating how Subaru-kun leaned into his touch, before asking his next question.
“Do you want to be like you were before?” he asked in a quiet whisper, not really wishing to say out loud those words but needing to know the answer. “Do you want to go back to that time in which you lived with them and…”
“No. Never,” the boy replied in a very firm, very honest, very raw voice as if what he had been before had been very bad, shaking his head as well and clinging a little tighter to Seishiro.
“Subaru-kun… were they mean to you?” he asked confused. How could they? Subaru-kun had been such a sweet, adorable, obedient child. Who would ever be able to be mean to him?
“Not mean just… I didn’t like it. I didn’t like that life,” Subaru replied, burying his head against Seishiro-san’s chest. He didn’t remember that much from his past life but he had a thing clear in his mind. A feeling of being inadequate, a deep fear of not being enough, not being good enough, of always doing something wrong, of being forced into a direction that he didn’t want to go, into things that he didn’t want to do. Seishiro-san had pulled him toward a direction or another as well but never… that much. It was a childlike type of pull that Seishiro-san had used with him, that of a bratty boy who wanted him do what he said, who wanted him to play with him in a game of his own choosing and according to his own rules. If Subaru were to say ‘no’, to refuse to play with him, Seishiro-san would pout, whine, whimper and stomp his feet in such a cute manner that Subaru wouldn’t have the heart to really keep denying him. Subaru knew Seishiro-san wanted him to want what he wanted, wanted him to agree with him, not just to obey him. The few times he had imposed obedience on him he had also taken care to make up with him after it. “I… I only want to stay with you…”
“Subaru-kun…” Seishiro whispered then moved to kiss the boy’s temple again. Kisses trailed lower, slowly hands moved to slide under the boy’s shirt and he wanted… he wanted… he… he stilled, frowning and feeling displeased. It wasn’t that Subaru-kun had flinched away or that he had frozen or… something else. It was just the realization that Subaru-kun was controlling whatever instinct was screaming inside him to pull away so that he could submit to his touch. What he had exchanged for nervousness in the previous days now, he realized, was just control. The truth was that the boy didn’t want that, didn’t want to be touched by him, but didn’t want to tell him that either and this made it even worse somehow, as if he no longer trusted in Seishiro ability to understand and make everything better as he’d been doing for most of Subaru-kun’s life. It was… irritating, well, no actually it wasn’t irritating, it was something else, something that hurt, but Seishiro had no words to define it, so ‘irritating’ would do as he pulled away from Subaru-kun abruptly.
Subaru-kun stared at him in confusion, wide green eyes, reflecting a mix of hurt and fear and somehow seeing he caused Subaru-kun to have such an expression didn’t improve his mood one bit.
“If you don’t want to do it, just say so,” he spat coldly, letting go of him and sticking his hands into his pockets, refusing to do so much as to touch him.
“Seishiro-san…” Subaru-kun almost whimpered, raising a hand toward the other man but not daring to touch him either.
“Don’t ‘Seishiro-san’ me. I’m not the Chi no Ryu’s Kamui. If you don’t want to do it you should just say so,” he continued, still in that cold tone he’d used so rarely on him, because he knew it was difficult for Subaru-kun to cope with it, and really, it normally wasn’t needed with the boy but his patience had run out and he was tired of being the considerate one when Subaru-kun didn’t even make the effort to trust him.
“But you want to do it…” Subaru-kun replied as if he really couldn’t understand the point of that whole discussion and this was so… so very… irritating…
“That’s not the point! I want to do it with _you_! If I have to do it with _myself_ because your mind is miles away or it’s not even enjoying what I do, then I don’t need your presence in this room!” he retorted, sounding truly angry now. Subaru-kun lowered his head, looking like a beaten puppy.
“I’m sorry, I… I…” he babbled, hugging himself as if he was about to fall to pieces and maybe he hadn’t recovered as much as Seishiro thought and this was really a bit too much for him. Besides Seishiro had never meant to get into an argument with him so why were they arguing? He sighed then rested his hands on the boy’s shoulders, well, actually he gripped them a bit tighter than he should, trying to force himself to keep calm.
“Don’t say you’re sorry, Subaru-kun. Say what you want. I thought you know I’ll do what you want. I’ll play along with it as long as you need it, but, if you keep silent, I can’t read your mind! I need you to tell me what you want! Shouldn’t you trust me by now?” he demanded and Subaru-kun looked at him helplessly.
“But I want you…” the boy whimpered.
“That’s not…” Seishiro began irritably then trailed off. He knew Subaru-kun wasn’t the type who would lie so the boy did want him on some level. But then why… “Then what’s the problem?” he asked, forcing himself to use a gentler tone.
“I’m just… scared…” Subaru-kun whispered, looking down and still hugging himself, looking like he was about to curl into a little ball of misery and wanted to be left alone and Seishiro mentally cursed the Chi no Ryu’s Kamui in all the words he knew for having instilled this irrational fear into Subaru-kun.
“Subaru-kun,” he said slowly, as calmly and gently as he could. “You know I won’t force you or hurt you, don’t you?” He got a nod in reply, small but firm and his grip on the boy’s shoulders loosened slightly as he felt an odd sensation of relief. He tilted his head. “Then, Subaru-kun, why are you scared of me?” he asked but this time he got no reply as Subaru-kun merely chewed his lower lip nervously, not daring to look at him. He stroked the boy’s shoulders gently, soothing any bruise his grip might have caused. “Subaru-kun… Have I ever made you feel forced in the past? Have I ever hurt you without meaning to? Is that what those mean?” he asked, slowly moving to take Subaru-kun’s left wrist in his hand and brushing his thumb over the scars there, before gently pulling it closer to himself so he could kiss the scars slowly and gently, as he’d done so many times in the past, as if this was enough to soothe them away. Subaru-kun, to his great relief, shook his head.
“No, that was just…” the boy began, shaking his head then trailed off.
“Just?” Seishiro prodded. Before Subaru-kun hadn’t been able to remember what had happened. It was as if he had just… blacked out every time it had happened. Even if Seishiro had always refused to consider the possibility, he knew there was quite a good chance that those holes in the boy’s memory were simply caused by a shortcut of his spell. Subaru-kun’s own will clashing with what the boy believed was his will and instead was the mere result of Seishiro’s art.
“You weren’t there,” Subaru-kun finished so very quietly Seishiro almost missed it.
“I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there and that’s why you cut yourself,” Seishiro repeated confused. He could understand if this had happened only after the spell had been broken. They had definitely been separated from each other back then but the other times… granted, he hadn’t been right next to Subaru-kun, but he was just in a different room, not on the other side of the city! Subaru-kun could bear being alone, he’d left him alone here and there! He…
“You weren’t there, I wanted you to be there and you weren’t there and I knew I had no right to ask but I wanted you there and it hurt and… and I couldn’t stand it…” Subaru-kun blurted out hurriedly, nervously, still not looking at him, his body trembling slightly as if he was a scared child.
“Subaru-kun, I was just in another room…” he reasoned, wrapping his arm around him and pulling him closer.
“But I wanted you with me and you weren’t…” the boy murmured, sounding very much like a child as he leaned heavily against him, pale hands clinging to him. Seishiro, rubbed his back soothingly as tried to go back with his mind to those moments. The first time it had happened Subaru-kun had been pretty young and it was the morning after they had for the first time… Subaru-kun must have been still scared, confused after what had happened, likely a bit sore and more emotionally sensitive than usual. What had happened must have had an impact on him and Seishiro had behaved normally instead as if what had happened had been a normal occurrence. As if what happened hadn’t been important. Probably it wasn’t just that Subaru-kun had wanted him there with him, it was that he had needed him there, that he had needed to be reassured by his presence and instead…
‘You weren’t there, I wanted you to be there and you weren’t there and I knew I had no right to ask but I wanted you there and it hurt and… and I couldn’t stand it…’
… And he had believed his need unimportant to Seishiro. Silly, silly boy. Seishiro wrapped both his arms tightly around him, as if to shield him from the world.
“I guess… I’ve been careless. I hadn’t thought you might want me to be with you, that I should have been there and, anyway, if you had asked, I would have stayed, I would have stayed and I would have fussed over you for as long as you wanted. I wouldn’t have left you alone…” he assured him and he was sure he would have done it. He had never minded fussing over Subaru-kun and, when he’d found the boy had hurt himself, he had… fine, he had panicked for the first time in his life, unable, for the first time, to face the situation in front of himself. And when it had happened a second time, and a third time, and… and… He remembered those sleepless nights, sleepless night spent just staring at Subaru-kun, not knowing how to protect him, fearing he would end up losing him. “I never meant to hurt you or make you feel neglected, Subaru-kun…” he assured him.
“I know…” the boy mumbled, his voice muffled as he buried his face against Seishiro.
“Then what scares you so? If you know that I won’t hurt you and that I won’t force you why are you so scared? I’ll stay this time, I’ll stay for as long you want, I won’t even consider letting you out of my sight, I…”
“But ‘he’ said…” Subaru-kun trailed off as he clung tighter, almost convulsively to Seishiro, unable to go on. However there was no need for him to specify who was the ‘he’ he was referring to.
“I’m going to kill that brat!” Seishiro hissed, pulling him even closer. “He filled your head with foolishness if he tried to imply I wanted you hurt!” he stated angrily but Subaru-kun said nothing and merely continued to cling to him. “Subaru-kun, I never wanted that! You know you’re my most precious possession! I would never mistreat you!” Seishiro affirmed heatedly.
“But he sounded like you,” Subaru-kun whimpered in a small voice. “And he looked like you. And I knew he wasn’t you but I couldn’t really help seeing you, so I tried not to look but that was even worse and he kept talking and saying those things and I… and I… and I…”
Seishiro held him, tightly, as Subaru-kun proceeded to cry his heart out. It was still there, pain, fear, shame, all bottled up inside the boy, all trapped inside him and refusing to leave him and he couldn’t help, he could do nothing to erase it.
“I want you, Seishiro-san… but I can’t help thinking… and everything blurs and ‘he’… I’m so sorry… Seishiro-san, I’m so…”
“Seishiro,” he stated, interrupting his babbling and Subaru-kun blinked in surprise, looking up at him in confusion and sniffling slightly. “You should call me just Seishiro, Subaru-kun,” he explained softly. “We have known each other for a lifetime and more intimately than anyone else. It’s not fair your sister takes more liberties with me than you,” he concluded with a gentle smile, pleased by how this was temporally distracting Subaru-kun from what was hurting him.
“But… but it would be impolite and you too don’t call me just Subaru,” the boy reasoned.
“Then… would you mind if I…?” he asked, grinning as he was sliding his hand through Subaru-kun’s hair gently. Subaru shook his head.
“No, no, Seishiro-san, I wouldn’t…” Seishiro pressed his finger on his lips.
“Seishiro. Just Seishiro. Say my name… Say my name, Subaru… my Subaru… mine… all mine…” he murmured in Subaru’s ear before kissing his neck.
“S… Seishiro…” the boy whispered, wrapping his arms around Seishiro’s neck. “S… Seishiro…” Seishiro turned to look at him.
“Subaru… What do you want to do… Subaru…?” he asked gently, kissing the tip of the boy’s nose. “We’ll do whatever you want to do, only what you want to do…” he said, caressing his cheek lightly. “There’s no need to be scared. We won’t do anything you don’t like and I won’t leave, I’ll never leave you again… so… what do you want?”
“I… whatever… whatever you want… S… Seishiro…” the boy stammered, still sounding nervous and distressed. Seishiro sighed and rested his forehead against Subaru’s.
“Subaru… we’ll do what I want later. Now we’ll do what you want. What do you want… Subaru?”
“I? I want what you want…” the boy insisted, sounding confused, as if he really had no wishes of his own. Seishiro considered groaning, then decided to keep on being patient and trying another approach to the problem.
“Fine… Subaru… What do I want?” he then asked gently.
“I… I don’t know… I’m not sure… I…” he admitted, looking as if he felt guilty about it. Seishiro simply smiled.
“Welcome to my world,” he stated with good humour. “I want what you want, you want what I want. The question is, what do we want?” The boy stared at him in confusion, looking like he expected Seishiro to find the solution to their problem because for him it was simply too big a task.
“I… I don’t know… I…” he confessed anyway.
“Subaru… do you know what you don’t want?” he asked, keeping his tone gentle and soothing as he smiled fondly at him. A hesitant nod was all he got in reply. “Good. Same here. I absolutely don’t want to do what you don’t want to do, okay?” Another nod. Good, maybe this might work. “Now… Subaru… let’s try to discover what we want, okay?” More nodding, done with a bit more of confidence. Good he thought as he hugged the boy, tightly, yet carefully so as not to make him feel confined. “Subaru… you have to tell me if I do something you don’t like, okay? Even if it’s just a silly, little thing. I will stop immediately, there will be no need to be scared, do you understand this?” No answer. “Subaru… I mean it.”
“I… I know… it’s just…”
“I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do. I promise. Whatever it is I won’t do it,” he said firmly.
“I know,” the boy replied, finally sounding a little more confident. “I trust you. I… I love you… you know…” he added, blushing adorably. Seishiro blinked, feeling slightly confused at that.
“Do you really?” he asked in an almost incredulous tone. Sure, the boy _was supposed_ to love him because that was what he wanted him to do it but… without a spell influencing his thoughts, did Subaru-kun still feel that way?
“Don’t you know? I already told you many times. Didn’t you believe me?” Subaru asked, looking at him questioningly. He really couldn’t believe the man hadn’t realized how badly he loved him, how he loved him despite everything and no matter what.
“Yes, but it was before and before…” Seishiro tried to explain.
“Oh, yeah, before there was that ‘thing’…” the boy stated bitterly, lowering his eyes. “It made everything I did meaningless…” he added with a whimper. The ‘thing’ being that stupid, stupid spell that Seishiro was starting to hate for all the troubles it had caused them. Sure, in the beginning it had made things easier for him in a fashion but in the end the results were unsatisfying and he had to pay too high a price. Oh, well, now it was out of the way.
“No, not meaningless. What you did was never meaningless,” he assured him gently. “I just didn’t know how to put it into the right proportions but now that ‘thing’ won’t get between the two of us ever again and you’re free to love me as much as you want and everything will go well. I promise,” he stated as he kissed him gently on his lips, a rather innocent kiss, very much like the first they had shared.
After all, it was just a matter of discovering what Subaru was comfortable with, which also meant he had to avoid whatever Kamui might have done to Subaru. From what Hokuto-chan had told him he had the impression the boy had been pretty rough with Subaru, which was probably why Subaru took it a bit better if he was slow and very gentle. Maybe the bastard had even done something that Subaru would have considered Seishiro’s style. It wasn’t the time to try out new things, new things had always made Subaru tense, but he couldn’t follow their usual pattern either. It was going to be a challenge, he thought. Normally he liked challenges only at that moment he would have gladly done without it, he mused as he busied himself with kissing Subaru’s neck, still slowly and gently. Experimentally he trailed his teeth over it, not in a bite, just a mere brush and felt Subaru tensing immediately. He frowned slightly as he kissed the same spot thoroughly, trying to soothe Subaru’s fears, trying to assure him he had nothing to fear, then moved to kiss Subaru’s mouth. How could he do this without making him nervous? Subaru seemed to tense so very easily… What could he do to make him relax and enjoy what they were doing instead of flinching back in fear or forcing himself to keep still? What?
“S… Seishiro?” the boy called his name in a weak voice, hands clinging nervously to Seishiro’s shirt.
“Hmm?” he murmured, pausing from his ministrations. “Something wrong?”
“Say something… anything… Please… just… say something…” he begged, unable to bear that silence any longer. If Seishiro kept being silent the only one he was hearing was Kamui, Kamui whispering in his ear, his voice echoing in his head and he… he didn’t want to remember that. He…
He squeezed his eyes shut against the memory, burying his face against Seishiro.
“Subaru… Look at me… Subaru… I’m here… I’m right next to you…” Seishiro told him soothingly, his hand on Subaru’s cheek, gently turning his head so that as Subaru opened his eyes slowly he could see it was true, it was Seishiro, Seishiro was next to him, concerned, gentle eyes staring at him and he clung to him like a child in search of protection, calling him over and over. He wanted Seishiro, truly wanted him he just… was scared. Seishiro let him, nuzzling against him gently, caressing him slowly, placing small kisses on top of his head as he had done when Subaru was a kid and had just awoken from a bad nightmare. He’d always liked that, the feeling of Seishiro’s fingers caressing him, the way the man kissed him soothingly, the way he held him in a bizarre mix of gentleness and possessiveness that was so very like the man, who had always clung to him like a child to his favourite and very highly treasured Teddy Bear.
He was unprepared to have Seishiro suddenly sit down on the bed, dragging him to sit on his lap, so that Subaru was kind of straddling him. He blinked in confusion and Seishiro smiled up at him, up because in that position Subaru was slightly taller, and just hugged him, caressing him gently, giving him time to get used to the switch in position and Subaru slowly let himself relax a bit as he hugged him back.
Nice.
It was so nice to be like that, as if he still was a child in Seishiro’s care and had nothing, absolutely nothing to worry about because around Seishiro he was perfectly safe…
It had been since long from the last time he’d sat on Seishiro’s lap like that…
Besides like this he didn’t feel trapped but he was still close to Seishiro, still being held by him. It felt kind of safe and brought back childhood memories, besides Seishiro wasn’t trying to undress him, wasn’t making it ‘his goal of the day’, he was just… cuddling him, caressing him, kissing him, and it was safe, it was nice, and he didn’t even realize when they began kissing. First it was in a rather gentle and innocent way, like at the very beginning of their relationship, when Subaru still had no idea what lovemaking was and Seishiro had to teach him, and it was gentle, so very gentle, and Seishiro was whispering his name between a kiss and another… just his name… he kept whispering his name so that Subaru wouldn’t have to hear Kamui’s voice echoing in his head, just Seishiro’s… and he liked that… he liked that… he had missed that, being together and yet being safe and unconsciously he tugged at Seishiro’s shirt and he blushed, realizing what he had done, pausing temporarily, but Seishiro simply smiled as he ruffled his hair, assuring him that everything was all right before unlatching his shirt’s buttons, freeing himself of it and dropping it to the ground.
Subaru stared at him, not really knowing what to do and Seishiro just chuckled and pulled him back close again, resuming to cuddle him as he whispered in his ear ‘better now?’ and Subaru hesitated only a moment before hugging him tightly and it felt better, definitely better, so much better to be that close, to feel again Seishiro’s skin under his fingers, hearing Seishiro chuckling and assuring him again that they would do everything Subaru wanted to do and nothing else…
It didn’t take long however before Subaru realized his shirt too was in the way and he felt silly because he had no idea how to remove it because that had always been Seishiro’s job but Seishiro wasn’t trying to do it and he couldn’t do it, he had _never_ done it during lovemaking and… he flushed as he gripped it experimentally, tugging at it weakly, too unsure and scared to accomplish anything.
Seishiro didn’t hurry him, he just whispered reassuring nonsense into his ears as he pushed him closer to better kiss his neck without trying to push him to remove it, as if to say it was okay - whatever Subaru wanted to do. Only… one of Seishiro’s hands had found a tiny patch of skin that Subaru had exposed when he had tugged at his shirt and now he was exploring it and it was gentle, so gentle and he wanted more and… and it was okay, it was just Seishiro and Seishiro would never hurt him, would he? He thought as he nervously tried again to clumsily remove his shirt. He stilled as he felt Seishiro’s hands over his but the man wasn’t hurrying him, just resting them over his, as if to offer help, whatever Subaru would decide to do.
“Help me?” Subaru whispered and Seishiro just smiled and commented Subaru was a very spoiled kid as he helped him to remove shirt and undershirt and to send them to keep company to Seishiro’s on the floor.
“It’s all right,” Seishiro assured him, before gently caressing Subaru’s now naked skin. “It’s all right,” he repeated and Subaru let himself be cuddled and fussed over, not really knowing if they could move forward further. This was the point they had reached in the previous days and even if this time he felt kind of better, better because he didn’t feel forced, he didn’t feel like he had to do it to not disappoint Seishiro, he… was still scared, he realized as he clung to the man and this was spoiling everything, this was…
“Still scared?” Seishiro asked him and he could only reply with a weak ‘I’m sorry’. “It’s okay,” Seishiro assured him but it wasn’t okay and they both knew.
“It’s not,” Subaru countered bitterly. “I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to…” ‘… never be able to make love with you again without feeling scared as hell,’ he thought but didn’t say out loud.
“It’s okay,” Seishiro repeated again, taking Subaru’s face in his hands and kissing him. “I said we do what you want and that we won’t do what you don’t want. So stop worrying okay? Let’s not rush things.” He felt Subaru taking his hand into his own, pressing it against his cheek.
“I love you. I miss you. It’s just…”
“Don’t think of the little monster. He has no right to claim your attention when you’re with me,” Seishiro stated and being jealous was so like Seishiro Subaru couldn’t help but chuckle at that as Seishiro pulled him close again. “Think only of me, okay?” he commanded, though his tone was gentle.
“Only of you,” Subaru agreed, though it wasn’t that simple. They went back to kissing and caressing as Seishiro spoke of… nothing really, just a way to let Subaru hear his voice, to let Subaru get back again, used to the feeling of what they were doing.
“Say something,” Seishiro requested all of sudden and Subaru blinked in confusion.
“Something?” he echoed.
“Say you love me,” he suggested. “Say it. Over and over until the end of time. I’ll never tire of hearing you say it,” he promised, grinning as Subaru smiled at him.
“I love you,” he said obediently. “I love you, I love you so much,” he began repeating as if it was a magic spell. In a fashion it was. It distracted him from thinking back to what had happened to him in the past, keeping him focused solely on the present, on what they were doing, on the feeling of _Seishiro’s_ hands and lips on him which still felt so nice… so very nice… and then Seishiro let himself fall on the bed, pulling Subaru down as well, allowing Subaru to sit on top of him and it felt kind of weird to be over Seishiro all of sudden, as if Subaru was the dominating one, and they both smiled at each over before rolling slightly so they were side to side, Subaru’s head resting on Seishiro’s arm, which had to be kind of uncomfortable since this way he couldn’t move that arm much but Seishiro wasn’t complaining, he was just smiling at him and making good use of his free arm and it was okay because he wasn’t trying anything that would hurt… anything that felt scary, forceful…
“I love you,” he repeated and thought this was a lot like the first time they had made love. With Seishiro cuddling him and fussing over him and Subaru trying to reciprocate the affection in a rather shy and clumsy way. He had been scared back then too and yet… nothing bad had happened, Seishiro had taken good care of him, had made sure Subaru could enjoy it. His smile widened as he thought that really, Seishiro would never, ever change and maybe that was why he loved him so much.
“I love you. I love you so much…” he assured him. He was with Seishiro… just Seishiro… the Seishiro he loved… the Seishiro who kept telling him he was safe, he was with him, nothing would hurt him ever again, and he had no idea how they ended up rolling on the bed, stroking against each other but it was nice because it was just the two of them and he had missed Seishiro so much… and he wanted him so much… his hands, his lips, his arms, his body… just the two of them and it didn’t hurt, and he wasn’t restrained, forced just… loved, cherished as something beautiful and precious, as only Seishiro could do.
As Subaru let himself be cuddled and coddled, Seishiro held onto his control, control that was dangerously slipping from his fingers, knowing he couldn’t let it go. As long as he didn’t try anything too fast Subaru was a willing enough partner, as he had been before that mess happened. It was just a matter of repeating the same thing over and over, teasing the boy, teasing him until he felt like moving a bit further. Only, while Subaru’s fear managed to hold the boy down without too any problem, it was damn hard for Seishiro to tease Subaru and not get excited himself. Subaru knew damn well what he liked and how and, unlike him, he didn’t have to be wary of doing it.
He had no idea what made the boy simply irresistible to him, if it was those tiny breathless sounds he made, or how he whispered ‘I love you’ so sweetly, or the way his fingers slid over his skin, so gently and yet in the way he preferred, or maybe those shy kisses and tender nips, or that delicious timid smile, or the adorable slight blush or the vulnerable look he still had, because his Subaru was frail, so frail… even more than before… but now Subaru was back with him again and he would take good care of him…
They playfully rolled on the bed some more, as he fumbled for an acceptable position. Seishiro knew, if things were to progress, Subaru wouldn’t really know how to handle being on top since that had always been Seishiro’s position, while Seishiro wanted to be on top but feared that would make feel Subaru trapped and he didn’t want to waste the progresses they had just made…
And the afternoon light entering the room from the window didn’t make the atmosphere intimate.
Seishiro wasn’t exactly sure how he had pushed them both under the covers, it seemed a silly idea but he knew Subaru has always favoured darkness (light made him unfailingly embarrassed) and it turned out to be a good plan because he heard the boy suppressing an amused chuckle at that unexpected change before snuggling closer and this brought back memories of nights of thunderstorms spent under the covers with Subaru clinging to him as they tried to read horror tales under the pale light of a flashlight and somehow it was working to keep Subaru’s mind away from dark thoughts he realized as the world was reduced to just the two of them to the point he wasn’t exactly sure how they had finally got completely undressed. Soon things began to feel simply too good to bother rationalizing it and, even though Subaru still tensed up here and there, it was easy to dissipate his fear and then the boy hid in his arms and wrapped his legs around him as Seishiro whispered reassuring nonsense and kissed him and… and…
It was only when he slumped on Subaru, quite exhausted but very satisfied he realized they had made it. He immediately rolled on his side, dragging Subaru with him, so to not break their hold but to not rest on him or make him feel trapped either. The boy was still clinging to him rather tightly even if his hold had loosened a bit compared to before.
“Subaru… is it everything okay?” he asked concerned. He hadn’t messed up, had he? He’d been so careful not to be forceful…
“Don’t leave…” was the anxious reply. “Don’t ever leave. I… I love you. Don’t leave.”
“Silly, why should I?” he asked puzzled. Okay, so in the past he had left him and that had caused the ‘incidents’ but that had been only in the morning when he had gone to take a shower. Never in the immediate aftermath. “Don’t worry, I don’t plan to let you out of my sight, no matter what,” he promised before kissing Subaru’s forehead. “Rest a bit like a good boy now. You’re probably tired enough.”
“I… it’s just I’ve the feeling that if we part, we’ll never see each other again…” Subaru admitted as he snuggled closer, Seishiro’s arms circling him protectively.
“Subaru… there’s no way in hell that someone will keep us parted,” Seishiro stated firmly. “I’ll kill anyone who will do so much as to think it.”
“Then don’t leave…” Subaru whimpered, his voice muffled against Seishiro’s chest.
“Don’t worry… I won’t leave… We’ll never be parted…” Seishiro stated, planning to never leave Subaru alone, no matter what. He would stay with him this time and make sure nobody would hurt him.
Of course he couldn’t guess he wouldn’t be the one who would leave that night, leave to turn a dream into reality, a dream of death and destruction orchestrated by someone who’d been plotting in the shadows for a long time, playing with the destinies of them all. Seishiro couldn’t guess and so he remained where he was, happily wrapped around Subaru as they were slowly falling asleep.
To be continued...
JJ's Extra Notes:
I’ve hated the demo version of this chapter and despite making assorted changes to it I still can’t stomach it. Lovemaking just isn’t my thing. It didn’t help at all that Subaru, despite wanting Seishiro, had been traumatized by Fuma… I fear I horribly failed in portraying his state correctly but I don’t think he would have remained stuck forever in that situation, he would have tried to move forward only… I fear I didn’t represent it well enough. Sorry about this.
Dictionary:
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
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You can also read the demo version of this fic here.