Fanfic: Shards - Part 8
Title: "Shards - Part 8"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness, uses Japanese words and includes some spoilers.
Notes: I wanted to make a fic. I ended up making this weird things instead…
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Summary: Can you really let your favourite glass cup shatter?
No escape
It stuck him one day, while Seishiro-san had temporary left to go prepare dinner, how continuing this kind of life could make him almost… happy. Well, no, not quite, he’d stopped long ago hoping he could be happy, but this was the closest things to… happiness he had in all those eight years and… and, as he realized it, the thought let him gaping for breath as a man on the edge of an impressive precipice and he… recoiled back in terror, sweating and trembling.
Because he wasn’t born to be happy, he wasn’t destined to be happy and therefore he couldn’t be happy. Weakly he ran his hand through his hair as he finally left that peaceful state of limbo in which he’d been in the past days and really looked at his present situation.
It would be nice if things could work for him and Seishiro-san.
It would be nice… but… but, he forced himself to admit as he fought to sit up, pain rising violently from his not yet healed wound making his head spin, but they won’t. They couldn’t.
He loved Seishiro-san. He couldn’t get over his sister’s death. It was his fault, his shame, the reason for which he didn’t deserve happiness, the reason for which he couldn’t be with Seishiro-san.
No, he mused, smiling bitterly as he forced himself to stand. Those were all excuses and he knew it.
He would have no hesitation in stepping over Hokuto-chan’s grave for Seishiro-san.
The real problem was he didn’t believe all this would last, he knew it wouldn’t last and he… was afraid. Afraid to lose what he had now, Seishiro-san’s attention. So afraid the thought made him sick… or maybe it was that thought and the fact he was walking after so much time lying in bed. Walking away… no, escaping like the coward he was… that was a more fitting description for his following actions.
His world had been shattered once, carelessly, like tossing away something useless in the garbage. He couldn’t bear to live it a second time, he would go mad first, mad with worry for it to happen, mad with grief. He wanted to escape that fear but the only thing he could do was to try to escape from that situation.
He stopped in mid track when he saw Yuko-san facing him. She said nothing, allowing him to hear the sound of his own panting breath, of his frenetically beating heart.
“Is this your Wish? Is leaving this place your Wish?” she asked him when he was unable to move or to speak. She looked sad. He wondered if that too was his fault as he fumbled for a reply.
Wish?
Did he have a Wish?
He swallowed as he tried to think to a reply. A Wish? Was that his Wish? No, he was just scared, terrorized, he just wanted that pain to fade, that fear to leave him but… but there was nowhere to hide and nowhere to go. No matter how far he would go, he would always love Seishiro-san. No matter how far he would go, Hokuto-chan would still be death by Seishiro-san’s hands and due to Subaru’s actions. No matter how far he would go, Seishiro-san would always view him as a little more than a possession he could throw away once he’d grown bored with him. No matter how far he would go, there wasn’t a thing he could do to change all this. He couldn’t change his heart, Hokuto-chan couldn’t be returned to life… and he couldn’t force Seishiro-san to feel something for him.
He couldn’t.
And that was the worst part, the scariest part.
He would never get what he truly Wished for, he would never get happiness.
He clung his stomach as pain and sickness rose around him as well as darkness and his legs gave away. Numbly, he noticed Yuko-san’s figure blurring, he heard the sound of his knees hitting ground and tried to mount the word ‘stop’ before everything went dark.
Payment
“What had happened?” Seishiro asked leaning over an unconscious Subaru-kun. He had put the boy back to bed and had let the witch to take care of him again.
“His wound had opened again,” she stated calmly, caressing Subaru-kun’s hair in a gentle way one that, had Seishiro’s experiences been different, he would have called a motherly way. “For the time being he’ll do better not to move so much,” she added and Seishiro thought he already knew that. What he didn’t know was why Subaru-kun got up in the first place but she didn’t let him the time to ask that. “I’ve warned you there was a third price to pay, didn’t I?” she reminded him and he didn’t like the amused way she grinned at him. It was as if she believed she had the upper hand and this was something not allowed.
“Yes, Yuko-san, but you’ve forgot to say with what you wanted to be paid or be sure I would have already honoured my debt,” he retorted, doing his best to smile cheerfully despite not feeling cheerful at all. Oh well, being a consumed actor came in hand at time like that.
“I’m not the one who barged in my shop saying he’ll pay whatever price as long as I’ll make sure Subaru-san would live and was in such a hurry he didn’t even what to listen what I was going to ask,” she countered, looking even more amused. He didn’t like to be reminded of that, actually he didn’t even remember well doing that, but he took care to keep smiling as he replied.
“I’m sorry, Yuko-san, if I gave you the impression of barging in or not having time to listen to you… I assure you that wasn’t my intention at all…” In reply she gave him a knowing smile he didn’t like. At all. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” he prodded when she just kept watching him in silence.
“Yes! I’d like you to cook some Tsumirejiru for dinner and a bottle of seasoned sake!” she requested, looking totally innocent and he wished they could leave that cursed place right then. After his mother’s death he’d forgotten how demanding women could be and this one didn’t even know how to cook like Hokuto-chan did! He had to do all the hard work for her! “Come on, Seishiro-kun, cooking decent meals for poor little me is the best way you can repay me back for hosting you, isn’t it?” she reminded him and a side of him wanted to complain that Subaru-kun was also being hosted and wasn’t paying and this wasn’t fair… then he remembered the familiarity she had used in touching the boy and wondered if she hadn’t asked something… ‘different’ from Subaru-kun as payment. She kind of resembled his mother after all and if she thought she could…
“You’re not making Subaru-kun pay you as well, are you?” he asked, dropping his cheerful façade as a dark, cold feeling set at the bottom of his stomach.
“Nope, just you!” she replied flippantly and he almost breathed in relief before realizing she was making fun of him. He laughed anyway, pretending to be amused and wondering if witches who fulfilled wishes and made fun of the Sakurazukamori could be considered a threat to Japan. “But you’ll better hurry up and pay all your debts, Seishiro-kun… or interests will pile up and the bill will be too huge for you to afford…” she added in a dark tone and something inside him shuddered.
Inner world
He was staring at himself, a younger version of himself, seated in a chair in the middle of his own room, staring at nothing, seeing nothing, feeling nothing, deep in the darkness that had possessed his soul, his mind trapped by the branches of a cherry tree. Hokuto-chan had died to pull him out of that situation but… had it been really worth it?
His room’s walls faded into darkness as well as his younger self and he sat down tiredly, hugging his knees to his chest.
‘Is this your Wish?’ an adult female voice from nowhere asked. It sounded familiar but he couldn’t remember to who it belonged. ‘Is this your Wish? Remaining here forever?’
No. No, that wasn’t what he Wished but… what else he could do?
He left. He left him. Because he meant nothing to him.
‘Subaru! Don’t just sit there and sulk! If you want to get something… you’ve to fight for it!’ his sister’s voice reproached him.
But that wasn’t his Wish either. Because he couldn’t take by force what he wanted and, even if later he had tried to change himself… nothing had changed in the end.
He hadn’t come back to him. He hadn’t found him more interesting now that he could be a threat… not that he’d really wanted to be one. He only wanted…
‘I can fulfil your Wish, ‘Subaru-kun’… you’ve only to ask…’ a teen voice offered. ‘I can fulfil your Wish and put an end to your pain…’
But, despite this being very tempting, it would accomplish nothing, he could see it now. He’d still be nothing in the eyes of the only person for whom he wanted to be something…
So? What did he Wish for? What? The answer was tragically easy.
‘Seishiro-san… Seishiro-san…’ he thought and, for a moment, he thought his Wish had been fulfilled as he saw the man next to him, smiling at him, and…
‘I don't feel any hate towards you. But neither do I feel any love. You're nothing to me but a simple object. Even if I was attracted to the purity of your being... in the end it changed nothing.’
… and then Seishiro-san disappeared and Subaru’s whole inner world shattered painfully… before he came awake, screaming Seishiro’s name as loud as he could.
For sure
“Subaru-kun? Subaru-kun, I’m here, it was only a nightmare, are you well?” he asked as he held the boy trying to keep him from trashing. That day Subaru-kun had damaged himself too much already. His wound didn’t need to reopen a second time. Glazed, wild green eyes stared at him with no sign of recognition at first, then the notion he was there seemed to settle inside the boy’s mind as Subaru-kun stopped struggling and turned his gaze away. This wasn’t promising. Had their honeymoon ended before it truly started? In the past days he thought they came to an agreement of some sort… they couldn’t have gone back to square one, could they? “Subaru-kun? Are you well?”
“I’m alive,” the boy stated but, from the way he said this it couldn’t be taken as a ‘yes’.
“Subaru-kun? Is there something you Wish from me? Something you’d like me to do?” he prodded gently. Subaru-kun didn’t reply, just curled on himself giving him his back, trembling slightly, eyes lost in some faraway place. Seishiro rested his hand on Subaru-kun’s forehead, checking his temperature and frowned when he realized that the boy was coming up with a fever. As if things weren’t troublesome enough. He frowned. He had put too many efforts in keeping Subaru-kun alive. He refused to return back to square one he decided as he moved to get up to grab an extra cover for Subaru-kun. He stopped in mid movement when Subaru-kun grabbed his hand and held it close to himself, without looking at him, eyes tightly shut. He remembered Subaru-kun had done something similar when he had taken him to the hospital, grabbing his hand so he wouldn’t leave.
“I’m here, Subaru-kun. I’m not going to leave. Haven’t I told this to you many times?” he reminded him. Subaru-kun didn’t reply, just clung his hand tighter. Seishiro sighed then laid down next to him, wrapping his arms around Subaru-kun, hilding him close. “I’m not going to leave, Subaru-kun, that’s for sure.”
Don’t think
He head buzzed and spun, his body throbbed in pain, he felt nauseous and he couldn’t stop shaking. However all his thoughts were focused on the hand he was holding, on the hand he refused to let go. It was stupid. Seishiro-san might say he wouldn’t leave him but… he didn’t love him. Subaru should let go of him and move on. That was what a reasonable person would do. But Subaru didn’t want to be reasonable. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let go of the man. His whole being, his whole soul refused that option. Seishiro-san’s arms were wrapped around him tightly, shielding him, pressing Subaru’s back against Seishiro-san’s chest. It would be good if they could stay like this forever. So good… so good… but he knew it wouldn’t last and yet… he couldn’t stop wishing for it.
What would he do when this would end? He didn’t want to think at it, he decided. He couldn’t. Or he would go insane. So he kept his eyes closed and continued to pretend the time had stopped.
A little more demanding
He rested the wet cloth on Subaru-kun’s forehead and didn’t feel pleased at all by how the boy was panting, his pajamas completely soaked in sweat. He’d liked to give him a long lecture about the total idiocy of having gotten up while in his state but he figured there was no point in it. What was worse was the witch had refused to do more then what she already did saying, if she were to do something else, Seishiro wouldn’t manage to pay her back and she didn’t work for free. Seishiro found it terribly unfair. Subaru-kun’s eyes half opened at his touch to return closing short after, his hands both clinging Seishiro’s hand tighter. Despite the situation it was cute.
“Subaru-kun… you aren’t going to die on me, are you?” he asked stroking the boy’s dark hair. Subaru-kun’s eyes half opened again and then closed. “Subaru-kun… aren’t I making you happy? What else would you like to get? What else would you like me to do?”
“Nothing,” Subaru sighed and Seishiro frowned. Sometimes things would be easier if Subaru-kun were to be a little more demanding.
Sickness
It was sickness, that was for sure. Oh, not the one that was causing him to burn with fever… the one that kept pushing him to long for that man as if he were the only thing he Wished for, even if he knew fully well it was like wishing to grasp a star, too far, too big and too hot for a mere mortal to hold in his hands. There was no hope Seishiro-san would… no, there was no hope at all.
He curled on himself, tried to ignore the pain of having been left alone. He’d gone on alone for so long… why now everything was crumbling, fraying on him and he couldn’t bear it anymore?
It would be nice if he still were to have the strength to fight a little more, to try to…
He closed his eyes tiredly as he tried not to think with longing at the moment he’d been on the bridge, Seishiro-san’s arm through him. The time spent with the man afterward hadn’t been bad, the time spent together… Subaru wanted to believe it had been worth living but… but he knew it couldn’t be. To live like that… wasn’t acceptable, wouldn’t last. There was no hope for that to continue, none at all. It was time Subaru would accept it and he knew. But without hope… why should he keep on going on?
A magic spell
Subaru-kun wasn’t doing well, actually Subaru-kun was getting worse and was getting worse too fast for Seishiro’s liking but Seishiro wasn’t ready to accept the consequences this could have as well as he had no idea how to shake Subaru-kun out of that state. It was almost as if he’d gone within and even if Seishiro kept repeating to himself it was just due to the fever he knew it was more than that.
He eyes speculatively the plushies exposed in the shop, wondering if giving one of them to Subaru-kun would cheer him up. Somehow he doubted so. He was about to leave when he noticed young bright green eyes staring at the plushies with a delighted gaze and his mind went back to another child who had bright green eyes, eyes that actually had been much more beautiful than the ones of the little girl next to him. He still had no news about how Kamui and ‘Kamui’ had solved their little problem but he assumed, since they all were alive and people was returning in the city that the end of the world had been at least postponed.
“Would you please help me to pick up one of them? I need to cheer up a person and I thought you could help me to choose the plushie best suited to this purpose…” he asked her without even knowing why, using his most innocent and friendly expression. The little girl seemed delighted to be of some help as she agreed immediately.
“Sure! Does this person have a favourite animal?” she asked.
“Not really. He’s just… the kind of person who likes everything and everyone all the same…” he admitted thinking back at how Subaru-kun had been. “Thought out of late he didn’t seem to be capable to like anything.”
“Oh… he should be feeling very sad then…” she observed.
“He’s also feeling very sick as of now,” Seishiro supplied helpfully. “And he’s not even trying to get better,” he admitted and, even if his behaviour was structured to get the girl to feel some sympathy for him, he couldn’t help but feeling annoyed at Subaru-kun’s lack of cooperation.
“Doesn’t it help him at all to know he has friends that care about him?” the little girl asked with concerned green eyes.
“I don’t think he cares,” Seishiro replied with a sigh. “He’s the kind of person who pointlessly shoulders too many problems until he’s crushed by them. He should stop worrying which is why I wanted to distract him with a present.”
The little girl shook her head and looked at him firmly.
“That alone won’t work, if he’s worried and sad and he’s not feeling well and not even trying then he won’t manage to appreciate it. But don’t worry, I’ll teach you a magic spell. This will surely work to cheer him up!” she told him with a gentle smile.
“You’ll teach me a magic spell?” he repeated finding it rather amusing. Him taking lessons from a little girl? She nodded firmly.
“Just take his hand, hold it tightly and tell him ‘don’t worry, everything will go surely all right’,” she stated, taking his hand into her owns, as if to prove her point.
“Just that?” he asked in disbelief.
“Just that. ‘Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right’,” she repeated. “Because from what you said it seems he probably doesn’t know that or had forgotten that but this is important and knowing will give him strength and make him feel better.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think your spell will work on Subaru-kun. He’ll likely refuse to believe my words,” he admitted.
“That’s why you’ve to keep trying. Because you care for him and want to help him and it hurts to see him feeling bad and not being able to help, doesn’t it?” she asked and Seishiro just stared at her. It hurt… because he cared? Did he? “Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right,” she repeated and he wasn’t sure if she was again trying to teach him the spell or using it on him.
All right… could it really since Subaru-kun wasn’t even trying?
“You’ve to believe in it. Everything will go surely all right. If you believe it he’ll do as well. Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right, because you’re doing all you can, aren’t you? And, as soon as he’ll realize he’ll do too and everything will go well,” she explained and she was just naïve and way too optimistic but, long ago, Subaru-kun had been like that as well so maybe… “Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right,” she repeated again and he thought he’ll lose nothing trying that spell of hers. Who knew maybe it might even work… maybe everything will go surely all right. Maybe…
“Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right…”
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Months of work and I still hate how it turned out... -_-
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA, it probably contains some OOCness, uses Japanese words and includes some spoilers.
Notes: I wanted to make a fic. I ended up making this weird things instead…
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Summary: Can you really let your favourite glass cup shatter?
No escape
It stuck him one day, while Seishiro-san had temporary left to go prepare dinner, how continuing this kind of life could make him almost… happy. Well, no, not quite, he’d stopped long ago hoping he could be happy, but this was the closest things to… happiness he had in all those eight years and… and, as he realized it, the thought let him gaping for breath as a man on the edge of an impressive precipice and he… recoiled back in terror, sweating and trembling.
Because he wasn’t born to be happy, he wasn’t destined to be happy and therefore he couldn’t be happy. Weakly he ran his hand through his hair as he finally left that peaceful state of limbo in which he’d been in the past days and really looked at his present situation.
It would be nice if things could work for him and Seishiro-san.
It would be nice… but… but, he forced himself to admit as he fought to sit up, pain rising violently from his not yet healed wound making his head spin, but they won’t. They couldn’t.
He loved Seishiro-san. He couldn’t get over his sister’s death. It was his fault, his shame, the reason for which he didn’t deserve happiness, the reason for which he couldn’t be with Seishiro-san.
No, he mused, smiling bitterly as he forced himself to stand. Those were all excuses and he knew it.
He would have no hesitation in stepping over Hokuto-chan’s grave for Seishiro-san.
The real problem was he didn’t believe all this would last, he knew it wouldn’t last and he… was afraid. Afraid to lose what he had now, Seishiro-san’s attention. So afraid the thought made him sick… or maybe it was that thought and the fact he was walking after so much time lying in bed. Walking away… no, escaping like the coward he was… that was a more fitting description for his following actions.
His world had been shattered once, carelessly, like tossing away something useless in the garbage. He couldn’t bear to live it a second time, he would go mad first, mad with worry for it to happen, mad with grief. He wanted to escape that fear but the only thing he could do was to try to escape from that situation.
He stopped in mid track when he saw Yuko-san facing him. She said nothing, allowing him to hear the sound of his own panting breath, of his frenetically beating heart.
“Is this your Wish? Is leaving this place your Wish?” she asked him when he was unable to move or to speak. She looked sad. He wondered if that too was his fault as he fumbled for a reply.
Wish?
Did he have a Wish?
He swallowed as he tried to think to a reply. A Wish? Was that his Wish? No, he was just scared, terrorized, he just wanted that pain to fade, that fear to leave him but… but there was nowhere to hide and nowhere to go. No matter how far he would go, he would always love Seishiro-san. No matter how far he would go, Hokuto-chan would still be death by Seishiro-san’s hands and due to Subaru’s actions. No matter how far he would go, Seishiro-san would always view him as a little more than a possession he could throw away once he’d grown bored with him. No matter how far he would go, there wasn’t a thing he could do to change all this. He couldn’t change his heart, Hokuto-chan couldn’t be returned to life… and he couldn’t force Seishiro-san to feel something for him.
He couldn’t.
And that was the worst part, the scariest part.
He would never get what he truly Wished for, he would never get happiness.
He clung his stomach as pain and sickness rose around him as well as darkness and his legs gave away. Numbly, he noticed Yuko-san’s figure blurring, he heard the sound of his knees hitting ground and tried to mount the word ‘stop’ before everything went dark.
Payment
“What had happened?” Seishiro asked leaning over an unconscious Subaru-kun. He had put the boy back to bed and had let the witch to take care of him again.
“His wound had opened again,” she stated calmly, caressing Subaru-kun’s hair in a gentle way one that, had Seishiro’s experiences been different, he would have called a motherly way. “For the time being he’ll do better not to move so much,” she added and Seishiro thought he already knew that. What he didn’t know was why Subaru-kun got up in the first place but she didn’t let him the time to ask that. “I’ve warned you there was a third price to pay, didn’t I?” she reminded him and he didn’t like the amused way she grinned at him. It was as if she believed she had the upper hand and this was something not allowed.
“Yes, Yuko-san, but you’ve forgot to say with what you wanted to be paid or be sure I would have already honoured my debt,” he retorted, doing his best to smile cheerfully despite not feeling cheerful at all. Oh well, being a consumed actor came in hand at time like that.
“I’m not the one who barged in my shop saying he’ll pay whatever price as long as I’ll make sure Subaru-san would live and was in such a hurry he didn’t even what to listen what I was going to ask,” she countered, looking even more amused. He didn’t like to be reminded of that, actually he didn’t even remember well doing that, but he took care to keep smiling as he replied.
“I’m sorry, Yuko-san, if I gave you the impression of barging in or not having time to listen to you… I assure you that wasn’t my intention at all…” In reply she gave him a knowing smile he didn’t like. At all. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” he prodded when she just kept watching him in silence.
“Yes! I’d like you to cook some Tsumirejiru for dinner and a bottle of seasoned sake!” she requested, looking totally innocent and he wished they could leave that cursed place right then. After his mother’s death he’d forgotten how demanding women could be and this one didn’t even know how to cook like Hokuto-chan did! He had to do all the hard work for her! “Come on, Seishiro-kun, cooking decent meals for poor little me is the best way you can repay me back for hosting you, isn’t it?” she reminded him and a side of him wanted to complain that Subaru-kun was also being hosted and wasn’t paying and this wasn’t fair… then he remembered the familiarity she had used in touching the boy and wondered if she hadn’t asked something… ‘different’ from Subaru-kun as payment. She kind of resembled his mother after all and if she thought she could…
“You’re not making Subaru-kun pay you as well, are you?” he asked, dropping his cheerful façade as a dark, cold feeling set at the bottom of his stomach.
“Nope, just you!” she replied flippantly and he almost breathed in relief before realizing she was making fun of him. He laughed anyway, pretending to be amused and wondering if witches who fulfilled wishes and made fun of the Sakurazukamori could be considered a threat to Japan. “But you’ll better hurry up and pay all your debts, Seishiro-kun… or interests will pile up and the bill will be too huge for you to afford…” she added in a dark tone and something inside him shuddered.
Inner world
He was staring at himself, a younger version of himself, seated in a chair in the middle of his own room, staring at nothing, seeing nothing, feeling nothing, deep in the darkness that had possessed his soul, his mind trapped by the branches of a cherry tree. Hokuto-chan had died to pull him out of that situation but… had it been really worth it?
His room’s walls faded into darkness as well as his younger self and he sat down tiredly, hugging his knees to his chest.
‘Is this your Wish?’ an adult female voice from nowhere asked. It sounded familiar but he couldn’t remember to who it belonged. ‘Is this your Wish? Remaining here forever?’
No. No, that wasn’t what he Wished but… what else he could do?
He left. He left him. Because he meant nothing to him.
‘Subaru! Don’t just sit there and sulk! If you want to get something… you’ve to fight for it!’ his sister’s voice reproached him.
But that wasn’t his Wish either. Because he couldn’t take by force what he wanted and, even if later he had tried to change himself… nothing had changed in the end.
He hadn’t come back to him. He hadn’t found him more interesting now that he could be a threat… not that he’d really wanted to be one. He only wanted…
‘I can fulfil your Wish, ‘Subaru-kun’… you’ve only to ask…’ a teen voice offered. ‘I can fulfil your Wish and put an end to your pain…’
But, despite this being very tempting, it would accomplish nothing, he could see it now. He’d still be nothing in the eyes of the only person for whom he wanted to be something…
So? What did he Wish for? What? The answer was tragically easy.
‘Seishiro-san… Seishiro-san…’ he thought and, for a moment, he thought his Wish had been fulfilled as he saw the man next to him, smiling at him, and…
‘I don't feel any hate towards you. But neither do I feel any love. You're nothing to me but a simple object. Even if I was attracted to the purity of your being... in the end it changed nothing.’
… and then Seishiro-san disappeared and Subaru’s whole inner world shattered painfully… before he came awake, screaming Seishiro’s name as loud as he could.
For sure
“Subaru-kun? Subaru-kun, I’m here, it was only a nightmare, are you well?” he asked as he held the boy trying to keep him from trashing. That day Subaru-kun had damaged himself too much already. His wound didn’t need to reopen a second time. Glazed, wild green eyes stared at him with no sign of recognition at first, then the notion he was there seemed to settle inside the boy’s mind as Subaru-kun stopped struggling and turned his gaze away. This wasn’t promising. Had their honeymoon ended before it truly started? In the past days he thought they came to an agreement of some sort… they couldn’t have gone back to square one, could they? “Subaru-kun? Are you well?”
“I’m alive,” the boy stated but, from the way he said this it couldn’t be taken as a ‘yes’.
“Subaru-kun? Is there something you Wish from me? Something you’d like me to do?” he prodded gently. Subaru-kun didn’t reply, just curled on himself giving him his back, trembling slightly, eyes lost in some faraway place. Seishiro rested his hand on Subaru-kun’s forehead, checking his temperature and frowned when he realized that the boy was coming up with a fever. As if things weren’t troublesome enough. He frowned. He had put too many efforts in keeping Subaru-kun alive. He refused to return back to square one he decided as he moved to get up to grab an extra cover for Subaru-kun. He stopped in mid movement when Subaru-kun grabbed his hand and held it close to himself, without looking at him, eyes tightly shut. He remembered Subaru-kun had done something similar when he had taken him to the hospital, grabbing his hand so he wouldn’t leave.
“I’m here, Subaru-kun. I’m not going to leave. Haven’t I told this to you many times?” he reminded him. Subaru-kun didn’t reply, just clung his hand tighter. Seishiro sighed then laid down next to him, wrapping his arms around Subaru-kun, hilding him close. “I’m not going to leave, Subaru-kun, that’s for sure.”
Don’t think
He head buzzed and spun, his body throbbed in pain, he felt nauseous and he couldn’t stop shaking. However all his thoughts were focused on the hand he was holding, on the hand he refused to let go. It was stupid. Seishiro-san might say he wouldn’t leave him but… he didn’t love him. Subaru should let go of him and move on. That was what a reasonable person would do. But Subaru didn’t want to be reasonable. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let go of the man. His whole being, his whole soul refused that option. Seishiro-san’s arms were wrapped around him tightly, shielding him, pressing Subaru’s back against Seishiro-san’s chest. It would be good if they could stay like this forever. So good… so good… but he knew it wouldn’t last and yet… he couldn’t stop wishing for it.
What would he do when this would end? He didn’t want to think at it, he decided. He couldn’t. Or he would go insane. So he kept his eyes closed and continued to pretend the time had stopped.
A little more demanding
He rested the wet cloth on Subaru-kun’s forehead and didn’t feel pleased at all by how the boy was panting, his pajamas completely soaked in sweat. He’d liked to give him a long lecture about the total idiocy of having gotten up while in his state but he figured there was no point in it. What was worse was the witch had refused to do more then what she already did saying, if she were to do something else, Seishiro wouldn’t manage to pay her back and she didn’t work for free. Seishiro found it terribly unfair. Subaru-kun’s eyes half opened at his touch to return closing short after, his hands both clinging Seishiro’s hand tighter. Despite the situation it was cute.
“Subaru-kun… you aren’t going to die on me, are you?” he asked stroking the boy’s dark hair. Subaru-kun’s eyes half opened again and then closed. “Subaru-kun… aren’t I making you happy? What else would you like to get? What else would you like me to do?”
“Nothing,” Subaru sighed and Seishiro frowned. Sometimes things would be easier if Subaru-kun were to be a little more demanding.
Sickness
It was sickness, that was for sure. Oh, not the one that was causing him to burn with fever… the one that kept pushing him to long for that man as if he were the only thing he Wished for, even if he knew fully well it was like wishing to grasp a star, too far, too big and too hot for a mere mortal to hold in his hands. There was no hope Seishiro-san would… no, there was no hope at all.
He curled on himself, tried to ignore the pain of having been left alone. He’d gone on alone for so long… why now everything was crumbling, fraying on him and he couldn’t bear it anymore?
It would be nice if he still were to have the strength to fight a little more, to try to…
He closed his eyes tiredly as he tried not to think with longing at the moment he’d been on the bridge, Seishiro-san’s arm through him. The time spent with the man afterward hadn’t been bad, the time spent together… Subaru wanted to believe it had been worth living but… but he knew it couldn’t be. To live like that… wasn’t acceptable, wouldn’t last. There was no hope for that to continue, none at all. It was time Subaru would accept it and he knew. But without hope… why should he keep on going on?
A magic spell
Subaru-kun wasn’t doing well, actually Subaru-kun was getting worse and was getting worse too fast for Seishiro’s liking but Seishiro wasn’t ready to accept the consequences this could have as well as he had no idea how to shake Subaru-kun out of that state. It was almost as if he’d gone within and even if Seishiro kept repeating to himself it was just due to the fever he knew it was more than that.
He eyes speculatively the plushies exposed in the shop, wondering if giving one of them to Subaru-kun would cheer him up. Somehow he doubted so. He was about to leave when he noticed young bright green eyes staring at the plushies with a delighted gaze and his mind went back to another child who had bright green eyes, eyes that actually had been much more beautiful than the ones of the little girl next to him. He still had no news about how Kamui and ‘Kamui’ had solved their little problem but he assumed, since they all were alive and people was returning in the city that the end of the world had been at least postponed.
“Would you please help me to pick up one of them? I need to cheer up a person and I thought you could help me to choose the plushie best suited to this purpose…” he asked her without even knowing why, using his most innocent and friendly expression. The little girl seemed delighted to be of some help as she agreed immediately.
“Sure! Does this person have a favourite animal?” she asked.
“Not really. He’s just… the kind of person who likes everything and everyone all the same…” he admitted thinking back at how Subaru-kun had been. “Thought out of late he didn’t seem to be capable to like anything.”
“Oh… he should be feeling very sad then…” she observed.
“He’s also feeling very sick as of now,” Seishiro supplied helpfully. “And he’s not even trying to get better,” he admitted and, even if his behaviour was structured to get the girl to feel some sympathy for him, he couldn’t help but feeling annoyed at Subaru-kun’s lack of cooperation.
“Doesn’t it help him at all to know he has friends that care about him?” the little girl asked with concerned green eyes.
“I don’t think he cares,” Seishiro replied with a sigh. “He’s the kind of person who pointlessly shoulders too many problems until he’s crushed by them. He should stop worrying which is why I wanted to distract him with a present.”
The little girl shook her head and looked at him firmly.
“That alone won’t work, if he’s worried and sad and he’s not feeling well and not even trying then he won’t manage to appreciate it. But don’t worry, I’ll teach you a magic spell. This will surely work to cheer him up!” she told him with a gentle smile.
“You’ll teach me a magic spell?” he repeated finding it rather amusing. Him taking lessons from a little girl? She nodded firmly.
“Just take his hand, hold it tightly and tell him ‘don’t worry, everything will go surely all right’,” she stated, taking his hand into her owns, as if to prove her point.
“Just that?” he asked in disbelief.
“Just that. ‘Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right’,” she repeated. “Because from what you said it seems he probably doesn’t know that or had forgotten that but this is important and knowing will give him strength and make him feel better.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think your spell will work on Subaru-kun. He’ll likely refuse to believe my words,” he admitted.
“That’s why you’ve to keep trying. Because you care for him and want to help him and it hurts to see him feeling bad and not being able to help, doesn’t it?” she asked and Seishiro just stared at her. It hurt… because he cared? Did he? “Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right,” she repeated and he wasn’t sure if she was again trying to teach him the spell or using it on him.
All right… could it really since Subaru-kun wasn’t even trying?
“You’ve to believe in it. Everything will go surely all right. If you believe it he’ll do as well. Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right, because you’re doing all you can, aren’t you? And, as soon as he’ll realize he’ll do too and everything will go well,” she explained and she was just naïve and way too optimistic but, long ago, Subaru-kun had been like that as well so maybe… “Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right,” she repeated again and he thought he’ll lose nothing trying that spell of hers. Who knew maybe it might even work… maybe everything will go surely all right. Maybe…
“Don’t worry, everything will go surely all right…”
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Months of work and I still hate how it turned out... -_-