A Practice of Caution; (Hoya/Sungjong)
Title: A Practice of Caution
Pairing: Hoya/Sungjong
Summary: Sungjong does what only Sungjong can- he makes Howon weak to his knees.
-
Caution is a long time practice, exercised when weary of danger, pain, fear, or a mixture of all three. It takes special care and avoidance, a refusal to commit mistakes or to be careless.
There are different variations of caution, but the fact that remains is that a practice in caution is a practice in protecting one’s self.
-
Lee Howon is a cautious person, amongst being a multitude of other things. He may not appear to be like so, especially when it seems like he acts however he damn well pleases- but it is a caution that comes with his instincts.
It may not seem like the textbook definition of being a cautious person- he is not overtly heedful nor afraid. Instead, he is bold and is anything that he wants to be.
But he is cautious in that he listens to his instincts, watches out for himself, refuses to cause himself harm. Because a practice in caution is a practice in protecting one’s self- and Howon has always been good at protecting himself. Protecting his mind, protecting his body, protecting his heart.
Because Lee Howon, with all that he is snark and sharp tongue and casual confidence, he practices caution.
-
Lee Howon can count on his fingers how many times he has failed to practice caution over the recent years- only thrice.
But three times is enough.
Because it is his failure of this practice those three times that changes Lee Howon’s life in ways he never thought possible.
-
His first failure to exercise caution is when he meets Lee Sungjong- fellow bandmate, maknae, and eternal cause of inner turmoil and suffering.
Because before he knows it, he falls in love.
-
It starts off as something simple, like it always does. A simple tug of the heartstrings, a little smile.
And just like it always does, things eventually go to hell.
-
Lee Howon falls in love with Lee Sungjong simply, but it’s everything about Sungjong that makes Howon fall in love deeply.
-
Sungjong becomes so much more to him than he thought possible; before long, he is more than just a simple dongsaeng and more than a bandmate- and he was always more than just a person to him.
His fall is a gradual one from grace; he is a hyung that Sungjong had chose to stick close to since the beginning. And Howon had accepted that, relished in the respect and affection Sungjong had given him as an older brother figure.
With every single moment he spends with Sungjong, he feels their bond deepening, their friendship being taken to new heights. This is only possible because of how Lee Sungjong is as a person.
Lee Sungjong is all infectious smiles and sexiness and cuteness and maturity rolled into one beautiful being; he’s understanding and kind but doesn’t take anyone’s shit- and he’s actually all levels of gorgeous and self-confident but works so, so hard to be recognized for his talent and everything that he is. He has an eye-smile that melts hearts, a voice so sweet it stirs the deepest of things in Howon, and a personality so dependably likable that every hyung is at least a little bit in love with Sungjong.
And Howon learns all of this quickly.
With this knowledge, before long, he’s tripping himself up and over for Sungjong. He had started out so cautious, he didn’t even realize he had fallen before it is simply too late.
It’s not a problem at first. No, at first, he appreciates all of it, loves that he is able to be so close to their beautiful Sungjong.
But he gets too close too fast and he’s already tripping and he doesn’t know if he can catch himself in time. Before long, his instincts scream for him to be cautious, to not ruin the beautiful bond they share.
But regardless of his instincts, of practices in caution- Howon still falls in love simply.
He falls deeply in love with every little thing about Lee Sungjong.
-
Howon figures that there are three main reasons as to why he knows that he is doomed to an eternity of being in love with their maknae.
-
Reason number one is that Lee Sungjong is so fucking beautiful that it hurts.
-
Lee Howon, honest to God, finds Lee Sungjong beautiful.
Beauty is subjective and he knows that. It is in the eye of the beholder, made up of preconceived notions and personal preferences.
But to Howon, beauty is simple. It isn’t just about having a pretty face- as an idol, he knows firsthand that not everyone with a pretty face is beautiful. Instead, he finds that beauty lies in having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and a pretty soul.
And to him, Lee Sungjong is the most beautiful of all.
-
There is something in Sungjong’s smile, he thinks.
Something infectious, something so precious that makes it incapable for anyone to fully escape its charm.
One of his favorite pastimes is making Lee Sungjong smile and laugh. It is, truly, a beautiful sight- which is the only reason he does it. He can’t help it. Honestly.
Or at least, that’s what he likes to tell himself when he finds himself cracking jokes at every single opportunity, why he laughs extra loudly when Sungjong is around, when he always makes sure to laugh at Sungjong’s little antics. Sungjong is typically funny without trying and awkward when he does try- but whether he is legitimately funny or is sincerely trying, it doesn’t really matter to Howon.
He’ll laugh anyway.
Because he just can’t help it.
And it helps that Sungjong usually smiles gratefully at him in return.
-
Howon would like to think that the rest of his bandmates are none the wiser about what he feels for their forever fresh maknae.
It is a shame that Howon thinks wrong.
-
Howon has grown accustomed to being very hyper aware of Sungjong; with that hyper awareness comes a lot of unintentional staring. It’s more Sungjong’s fault than his, honestly.
So he watches Sungjong sometimes (or all the time)- it’s not a problem. Not really. It’s more of a habit than anything else, to watch for that beautiful eye smile, to see the subtle hints of confidence and sensuality, to note the way Sungjong’s eyebrows crease when angry, what he does when he’s sad, how he shows his happiness.
It’s a habit- nothing more, nothing less.
-
And then he gets a reality check.
-
“You’re so fucking obvious,” Woohyun tells him one day. It is a photo shoot day and Howon may or may not have been ogling the maknae.
Howon turns his head to the sound of the voice and is met with a grinning Nam Woohyun. “Can you repeat that?” He genuinely did not hear Woohyun. His mind had registered the noise, but not much of anything else- but to fair, his mind had been otherwise preoccupied.
Woohyun indulges him and repeats his statement, letting the words come out in a slow, amused drawl. “You’re so fucking obvious.”
The statement brings confusion for maybe about five seconds- what could Woohyun be talking about? There was nothing to hide, and thus, nothing to be obvious about. Howon is just about ready to snort and say some sassy remark and then go back to watching Sungjong- and then it hits him. Sungjong.
And then all Howon feels is panic bubbling up inside him because- Woohyun couldn’t be implying that-? No. He couldn’t be.
“What are you talking about?” Howon sputters, demanding a question like he hadn’t just been caught staring at Lee Sungjong.
Woohyun cackles at Howon’s lack of eloquence, finding enjoyment in the overreaction. “You think I haven’t noticed?” He’s merely teasing because it’s rare for Howon to lose his composure.
Howon gives him the bitch stare of all bitch stares, urging him to come out with that he’s implying.
Because it couldn’t be what Howon thinks it is- no, of course not. He only had a little habit towards their maknae, nothing worth actually taking notice of.
Woohyun only tuts playfully, throwing a very meaningful glance towards Sungjong.
Howon can only cough in embarrassment at being caught- but he doesn’t deny Woohyun anything.
And that speaks louder than anything else.
-
With their photo shoot done, each member of INFINITE is beyond exhausted. No one is the exception to this and it’s obvious when they all drag their bodies to the van. They pile up close to one another, finding comfort in another person’s body heat as their tired selves try to catch up on some well deserved sleep.
Sungjong curls into him in the van on the ride home and Howon can only sigh softly once he senses the familiar feeling that is Sungjong resting his head on his shoulder. Howon shifts a little in his seat, making himself perfectly solid and comfortable for Sungjong to rest against. He loves moments like these. Not necessarily moments where he’s tired and ready to pass out- he could probably do without those.
But he loves the moments where he can feel the warmth of another person, that type of security blanket that comes with someone being pressed into your side.
And it’s all the more better that the person in this case is Sungjong.
The warmth that he feels radiating from Sungjong is gentle and enveloping; before long, he closes his eyes and his breathing evens.
Howon is lulled to sleep by the warmth that is Lee Sungjong.
-
Woohyun sees more than what he is given credit for, knows more than anyone thinks he does.
He sees it plain as day, the type of love Howon has for Sungjong.
It’s clear that Sungjong is more than just a dongsaeng to Howon- always has been, always will be.
He can see it in the lingering touches, can hear it in the snarky words laden with affection, can feel it in the sincerity of every single action towards their maknae.
And that type of love warms Nam Woohyun to the core.
-
Howon loves Sungjong so much he can almost fool himself into thinking he hates him.
Because he should- hate him, that is. He should hate him because of all that he is, all that he makes him feel.
It is absolutely ridiculous, he thinks.
-
This love he has for Sungjong is so ridiculous that Howon needs to find a way to make it a little less ridiculous.
He needs space. He can’t constantly be around Sungjong when he feels so much that he’s not supposed to feel.
He can’t harm himself further, he can’t give himself a reason to be pained. Nor can he risk their friendship, their relationship. And on top of all of that- really, Howon is just scared. He’s scared of how much Sungjong means to him and how much the younger will continue to mean to him- all whilst Sungjong remains blissfully unaware.
The risks are high and Howon can’t afford to lose.
-
Howon starts avoiding Sungjong like he’s the reason for all heartache and melancholic pinings of the soul.
(Which, Howon supposes, probably wouldn’t be too far from the truth.)
-
He starts distancing himself gradually; he starts turning down invitations to hang out, leaves the room when Sungjong enters, comes home late at night when he knows Sungjong will already be sleeping.
They’re all small things, really. He just wants a little distance. He just wants to take a little bit of precaution, wants to make it so that he has a chance of saving himself.
It’s a cold move, but it’s all that Howon can think to do.
Howon can only hope that Sungjong doesn’t notice what he’s doing.
-
Sungjong notices.
-
It has been about two weeks and Howon is afraid he might be going through Sungjong withdrawals.
The lack of any type of contact leaves him feeling grumpier and more easily irritable than he should be.
-
It has been close to three weeks now and Woohyun still sees more than what he is given credit for and much more than what Howon is comfortable with. “Like avoiding Sungjong is going to do anyone any favors,” he snorts. Woohyun scolds with the concern that comes from being a friend.
Howon snaps back immediately, defensive and irritable. “Do you have any better ideas?” He certainly doesn’t. He takes one look at the rather thoughtful look on Woohyun’s face and decides to cut him off before the older can say something that will inevitably mess him up even more than Sungjong already has. “The logical thing is to distance myself,” he grits. Don't get too close or you'll get burned- or something like that.
It is a practice in caution, obviously.
“That’s a cold way to put it,” Woohyun retorts. “There are better ways to deal with this.”
“There’s no better way than the logical way,” Howon grumbles. Because this is the answer his mind has given him, the logic that he calls his own. “It’s better to do the logical thing than to do the illogical thing,” he says this with a shrug, like he’s nonchalantly stating the status of the weather.
Woohyun raises an inquisitive eyebrow in return. “And what’s the illogical thing?”
Howon can only only sigh before he speaks. “To be stupid and follow my heart.”
And to follow his heart would mean-
Howon doesn't even want to think about it.
-
Howon wonders sometimes when his feelings actually developed- but he supposes that Lee Sungjong has always been a matter of interest.
-
It turns out that Howon is not the only member going through withdrawal symptoms
-
Sungjong isn’t oblivious to how Howon is acting. He doesn’t know why, but he knows something is wrong- specifically, something is wrong with them. Howon may think he is blissfully unaware, but Sungjong is anything but.
It shows on his face, what he feels about this new situation. Every time Howon looks away from him, every time he leaves a room when the maknae enters, every time he does something that he would usually never do. Sungjong can’t fight the scowl or the narrowed eyes or the general displeasure.
He wonders where his friend has gone, if he has done something wrong, and what is making Howon act like this. Sungjong is a dongsaeng that cares, a friend that is concerned, and a person honestly wondering what the hell is going on.
But above all else, he is a person that is missing an important person in his life. Not physically, no. They still live in the same dorm, after all. But in all other aspects, yes.
He simply misses his hyung.
-
The constant scowling Sungjong has taken up doesn’t escape Howon.
And while he is trying to avoid Sungjong and literally hides from him when able, Howon can never, will never, be able to hide his concern. The question slips before Howon can think about it. “Are you okay?” he asks, worried over the perma-frown on Sungjong’s face. And then he wants to slap himself upside the face because- wasn’t he supposed to not have any contact with Sungjong?
“The real question here is if you’re okay.” Sungjong is staring at him intently, like he can read Howon’s mind if he just stares long enough. He is returning the concern tenfold and Howon doesn’t know what to do. The feeling of wanting to slap himself upside the face remains.
Because this is the type of whole hearted, sincere concern that scares Howon. So he reacts. “Don’t talk to me like that.” Now Howon is the one frowning. It’s not a nice answer, but Howon is scrambling to put some distance between him and Sungjong. And this is the way to do it.
It is the first real time Howon has ever reacted to Sungjong like that; he has brushed him off, and coldly at that.
Howon walks away with a minor frown and heavy feet.
Sungjong can only blink in bewilderment; he feels the gears of change moving and he doesn’t quite know where he stands.
-
Howon can’t handle that type of concern.
Not from Sungjong.
Not when he makes him feel so much.
-
The second reason is not one easily stated. As such, it is because few can do what Sungjong does to Howon on a daily basis.
There is no other person in this world that can bring Howon to his knees like Sungjong can.
-
The thing with Howon is that he knows just how strong Sungjong is- how fierce, how fearless.
He is confident in what he does, in himself, in the people he loves.
He is an anchor to everyone else in INFINITE, acts as more than just the maknae. It is true that while he is their forever fresh maknae, he is also a source of strength, a way of healing, a constant support that crushes every single fear and insecurity into nothing with a single smile or action.
And that strength is what makes Howon weak to his knees.
-
Sungjong isn’t the type to passively wait for any chances. He’s a fighter, that one. If he wants something, he is going to go after it.
And what he wants right now, more than anything, is to fix things with Howon. Because it is obvious that something is wrong.
So the moment Sungjong finds Howon alone, just sitting on the couch, he takes his chance.
He takes a moment to watch Howon quietly; he’s really just sitting there. He hasn’t even noticed that Sungjong has entered their living room area- strange, seeing as how he has “animal instincts”. He looks tired and weary; it is a look he has been carrying with him for the past several weeks.
There is an unspoken question on Sungjong’s lips, just waiting to be said. He wants to ask what’s wrong, what’s going on between them, demand why Howon is acting this way. But he asks none of those things. Instead, he settles for a simple, “How are you, hyung?”
Howon jolts up at the voice and curses when he finds out (when his mind, his heart, his soul tells him) that it’s Sungjong speaking. He reacts accordingly to the question, mind already thinking of escape plans. “I’m okay, Jong,” he mumbles. “Just a little tired.” A little tired of being in love.
“Did you want to go watch a movie or something to relax?” Sungjong offers with a little smile, intent on helping. Howon will never tell him outright, but he at least wants to do something if he can. And movies are their thing- surely it would make Howon feel better. Because even if Howon doesn’t say anything, even if Sungjong doesn’t know exactly what is bothering his hyung- he knows that something is wrong. He can feel it in the core of his being that something is changing- with every strained smile and sigh when he thinks no one is paying attention. And that something is what is bothering Howon.
And Howon’s heart just sighs, in both affection and longing.
But he can’t accept. He needs this distance.
“Not tonight, Sungjong.”
-
Sungjong doesn’t even bother hiding his hurt and contempt at Howon’s pathetic attempt of keeping to himself.
He is so stupid, Sungjong thinks.
-
It is so stupid how sentimental he gets over this one boy. It’s stupid how he wants to give Sungjong the world, would choose him over anyone else, would do anything for that precious smile.
It is just so stupid.
-
But Sungjong keeps trying.
-
Woohyun corners him one day, intent on knocking some sense into him. “You’re hurting him.” And Woohyun knows this, can see it in Sungjong’s eyes whenever Howon shrugs him off or refuses to talk. He knows this because he knows Sungjong- Sungjong who he has known for forever, Sungjong who he feels like he has raised, Sungjong who he fights with but loves unconditionally. “And you’re hurting too.” And Woohyun knows Howon too. And in knowing Howon, he knows how stubborn Howon can be- and he also knows how much Howon needs to hear this.
“Don’t preach at me like you know how I’m feeling,” Howon growls out, not in the mood to be lectured about his wayward emotions.
“Except I fucking do,” Woohyun sneers. Obviously the nice and thoughtful approach isn’t working. So he’ll try the blunt way instead and see how it goes. “You don’t think we can’t see it? Do you think we’re all blind or that we’ll turn the other way? Is that it?” he hisses. “Because we see what you’re doing here- we’re seeing you distance yourself, we’re seeing you trying to get away from Sungjong, we’re seeing you make excuses to save yourself when all you’re doing is hurting yourself and the person you care for most.” Woohyun is speaking on their behalf- because while he is not completely sure all of the members are aware, there have been signs. And they’ve been together for so long, even the tiniest of signs are picked up immediately.
And it’s not even a collective amount of small signs- it’s a ridiculously huge one. A blatantly large one that makes Woohyun wonder if Howon thinks the rest of them are stupid- because really, it’s a large sign.
Howon has always favored Sungjong, has always cared about him most. He has always gone out of his way for him, has always spent that extra minute talking or playing around with him when he could.
Wouldn’t it be strange for that to suddenly change?
And even if they don’t all know, that’s fine. Woohyun does though. Which is all that really matters, because he’s the person talking to Howon.
Howon can only stare back defiantly as Woohyun picks him apart; for all that he is known for his glib tongue, he cannot find the words to refute this bandmate- this person who cares. He can only groan, feeling the little stabs at his heart. Because he knows what he has been doing, knows better than anyone else. But he needs to be able to go on doing what he’s doing for the sake of himself. “I really don’t need need this right now.”
Except he does. And Woohyun knows this too. So he only says one more thing before he lets Howon go. “You love him, and that’s fine.” Woohyun is serious and sincere- so much that it feels like Howon is suffocating in his concerned gaze. “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that it’s not fine.”
But Howon doesn’t feel fine.
"I don't know why you insist on hurting yourself."
Howon knows why.
-
Howon loves in a way that is so strong and unapologetic, but at the same time, so self-deprecating.
-
Howon is scared of Sungjong’s reaction, of hurting himself, but that’s not all of why he never wants Sungjong to know.
He’s confident and self-assured in all aspects of his life except for this one- because who is he to say that he is deserving of Lee Sungjong?
It’s true that he knows Sungjong best, that he cares for him on an entirely different level, and that Sungjong treats him differently as well.
But is it not a betrayal of trust, of friendship, that he feels this way for Sungjong? That he feels so strongly for his dongsaeng, a younger boy who he had taken under his wing and allowed to follow him all the way until now?
There is honor and trust in having a dongsaeng who trusts so wholeheartedly- and to be frank, it makes Howon feel like a shitty hyung sometimes. Yes, he always takes care of Sungjong well. Yes, he always guides him. On accounts of being a good and respected hyung, Howon does pretty well.
But he’s also pretty sure that not every hyung is deeply in love with their precious dongsaeng.
In Howon’s mind, if he can betray the trust that Sungjong had so innocently given to him as his hyung, then obviously he is not worthy.
Howon refuses to ruin their relationship, refuses to ruin Sungjong in any way. Woohyun may say that it’s fine to love Sungjong, that he shouldn’t let anyone tell him that it’s not fine, but what is he to do when the person telling him it’s not fine is himself?
-
Sungjong is the maknae; he carries with him the easy confidence that even if all his hyungs tease and bully him, at the end of the day, every single one of them love him like no one else. He knows this, accepts this, and wears their love like a protective cloak so that nothing and no one else can hurt him. He is protected in that way, in that sense.
-
Lee Howon protects Lee Sungjong above all else.
Even if it is at the sake of himself.
But there is torture in protecting so selflessly.
There is pain in being so close and yet so far, in being able to stare into his eyes, in being able to draw him into a hug, to hold him, to have him be such a precious person in his life.
It’s starting to get suffocating, being around Sungjong. Things are harder to hide behind glib comments and sassy smiles.
-
Woohyun has become a counselor of sorts; he is the only one Howon can talk to about Sungjong. Granted, most of the time Woohyun goes to Howon, but he is sincerely just trying to help. “You should just fall in love with someone else.” Woohyun doesn’t mean it, of course. He knows that if it were so simple, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. But he says it to offer what little advice he can. He’s almost joking with his words because he knows that if Howon could, there wouldn’t be a problem right now. Woohyun says it as a consoling statement, one that even he doesn’t believe.
Howon appreciates the airy words. It’s not like he’s never thought about that before. It would be so much easier if the person he was in love with wasn’t Sungjong.
But Howon knows that it is not so simple, can never be that simple. With a simpering little smirk, he tuts at his fellow member and shakes his head in that deprecating little manner of his.
He shakes his head because he knows real love cannot be taken away or stolen by someone else.
-
Howon thinks that the worse part in all of this is that he has hope.
Sungjong gives him hope. Hope that they can be something more. But his instincts tell him to be scared of that hope, to proceed with caution, to not let himself become broken over what could or could not be. This hope scares him, makes him want to run away.
And that can only be the worst part because Howon is not someone who runs.
-
The third and final reason is both the most simple and the one that resonates the loudest in Howon- with the reason being that one little touch from Sungjong is enough to set fire to his insides.
-
When they touch each other, whether it be by hugging or playing around or holding each other’s hand- it’s all casual touching and Howon knows this. It’s Korea and they are a korean pop band. Skinship is normal. There is absolutely nothing amiss at first.
And then he starts feeling a casual burn, one that he has grown accustomed to associating with Sungjong.
INFINITE, as an idol group, is good at laying on the skinship.
Howon, not extraordinarily, but he manages.
But brief instants of impromptu skin on skin in the purest of ways end up affecting Howon in ways he didn’t think it would; it’s supposed to be cute and light, a way to please the fans and also to showcase their relationships. But Howon soon finds that it’s different with their maknae. Because when he so much as touches their maknae, he feels something unwinding in him, something coming alive. It feels like something akin to a slow burn, a precious tingle that sets fire to his cheeks, his stomach, his heart. To everything.
He thinks that maybe it’s because of how lovely Sungjong looks when he smiles. Or how he looks when embarrassed- flushed and angry. Maybe it’s because of how much Sungjong stomachs for them, how irritated he gets, how much he lets them get away with while still keeping them in line. Make no mistake, Sungjong rules INFINITE with his iron fist of maknae cuteness. No matter what anyone says, Howon believes this.
But whatever the case may be, Howon always feels the instinctive need to brush at Sungjong’s bangs as he tells him he did well, to hug him in comfort, to thank him for existing with a hug or a high five or a smile.
In the end, that feeling has Howon turning their casual skinship into lingering moments and the dire need to be in contact with Sungjong.
Howon experiments a lot in the beginning, actually. He ups the skinship with the rest of the members, trying to find out how they make him feel, why some(one) make(s) him feel different.
And then he comes to the startling conclusion that no one makes him feel what Sungjong does.
He’s already long past gone, and he has known that.
-
Sungjong sets fire to his insides- plain and simple.
Others might call it butterflies.
But those people don’t understand.
Howon understands why some might say he is feeling butterflies as opposed to actual burning- but what he feels is in no way associated with little bugs fluttering about.
What he feels is a legitimate heat, one that ignites and flares and burns up his heart when Sungjong is around.
So no. Not butterflies.
-
Howon has been acting strange for weeks on end.
Sungjong has tried to talk to him and figure out why, but Howon insists on making things difficult.
As such, this is how Sungjong ends up having this conversation. “Just tell me what’s wrong and we can fix it.” He doesn’t know why Howon won’t listen to him. Maybe if he puts more frustration in his voice- but he doesn’t know how much more he can put.
Not when all of his conversations with Howon as of late have been like this. “It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.” Howon is ready to gloss over the subject, to be able to hide his feelings for just another day longer.
But this is it. This is Sungong’s breaking point.
“Never tell me that it doesn’t matter. It’s obviously important- look at how you’re hurting! And if it’s hurting you this much, then it obviously fucking matters.” Sungjong is spitting out his words, seething angry. Frustration has given way to anger.
And all Howon can think of when he sees the anger in Sungjong’s eyes, the care in them, the honest concern- all he can think about is ah, I fell in love well.
That, he supposes, is the worst part.
Sungjong has had enough of this. He honestly has. “You’ve been acting different lately.” His tone is fierce and accusatory. He’s tired of waiting around and asking subtle questions in hopes that Howon will just tell him what’s wrong. Howon’s obviously not going to, but Sungjong still needs to know- even if he has to demand it out of the older boy. “Tell me why.”
His eyes are flashing angry and defiant, as if daring Howon not to answer him.
But in the end, Howon dares. Because even still, in the face of an angry Sungjong, Howon’s resolve does not crumble. Instead, he chooses to save his heart so that it can last a little longer. “It really is nothing.”
And then he walks away.
He can’t continuously be in Sungjong’s presence. Not when he doesn’t want the younger boy to know that Howon would willingly throw his figurative heart at him if he was guaranteed that Sungjong would catch it.
-
It’s a practice in caution.
That’s what he tells himself.
But maybe it is something simpler than that, something less glorified and gracious.
(Maybe Howon is scared.)
-
Sungjong feels a sudden childish urge to retaliate- if Howon suddenly doesn’t care about their friendship, then why should he? (Okay, fine, Sungjong doesn’t actually know if Howon has stopped caring- but he certainly isn’t acting like he cares.)
But he catches himself in his fit of anger. His relationship with Howon is much too important to be thrown away in a moment of childish anger.
Howon is much too important.
But it hurts, this sudden shift of their relationship. It is not a lie when people say he follows Howon the most, that he is the one he depends on, talks to, adores the most.
Except now the Howon he has grown to adore and follow is nowhere to be found and Sungjong is left stumbling, trying to find him.
-
The next time Sungjong confronts Howon, it has been two days and Sungjong is calmer. Calm enough, at least, to lock himself and Howon in Howon’s room. He enters with a flourish and locks the door before Howon can say a word. He stands by the door too, so there will be no escape. Sungjong has figured most of it out, to the best of his ability. He, at the very least, figures that he’s the problem. He wastes no time with pleasantries or greetings. “Did I do something wrong?”
Howon is ready to flee the scene (he would be able to find a way, probably), but Sungjong’s not having any of it. “Lee Howon, if you still care about me even a little, you are going to stay here until we talk this out.” This is a command, plain and simple. The lack of honorifics is telling. “If I mean anything to you at all, you are going to talk to me.” There is a stubborn grit to Sungjong’s lips and Howon knows that the only way he would be able to get through that door is if he picked Sungjong up and threw him away from there.
On top of that though- he has stated that if he means anything, then Howon has to talk to him.
And Sungjong just means so much.
So Howon is trapped.
He sits up on his bed and then stills, looking at Sungjong cautiously.
“Did I do something wrong?” Sungjong repeats.
Howon is ansty, not liking how he feels cornered. But this talk is happening, whether Howon likes it or not. “Yes,” Howon blurts. He can’t control his words- it’s like a dam has been broken (by Sungjong- go figure) and now he can’t stop himself. It is high time, in any case. Even Howon knew he couldn’t avoid this forever.
Lee Sungjong has done so many things wrong, has wronged him on so many levels- on accounts of wrecking his mind, wrecking his heart, and just plainly wrecking his soul.
“What did I do?” Sungjong demands. “Tell me and I’ll fix it.”
“It’s not so much what you did.” Howon amends, innerly panicking. He foolishly thinks about how he thought he could avoid this conversation forever. It’s not so much of what Sungjong did, but more of just Sungjong in general. Just Sungjong being Sungjong.
Sungjong only gives him a blank look for a moment before he deadpans, “I’m confused.” He huffs before he asks, “Did I do something wrong or not?”
He is being completely honest when he tells Sungjong, “You do so many things to me, Sungjong.”
And that’s utterly fucking terrifying, if Howon is still being completely honest.
Sungjong’s moving closer now, away from the door. “Explain, please,” he asks. He honestly wants to understand.
Howon doesn’t want to explain, really.
But the way Sungjong is looking at him though- it’s the look that gives Howon hope. It’s the look that shows affection and care and love. The look that makes Howon feel courageous for just a moment, that makes him feel strong enough to press on.
In this moment, he chooses to abandon his practices of caution.
He’s completely terrified that this will ruin him, ruin them- but there is this burning in him, this need to tell Sungjong. He can’t stop the sudden rush of feelings, nor can he stop whatever it is that he feels and has been feeling for this boy.
So he needs to say something, anything.
And then he’ll go from there.
-
“I could start fires with what I feel for you.”
-
Sungjong is understandably confused, a tingling feeling unfurling in the pits of his stomach at Howon’s words. He can only question what has already been established. “What did you just say?”
Howon repeats himself shamelessly, fueled by the sudden need to make Sungjong know. “I could start fires with what I feel for you,” he says, slow and direct and unashamed. “Although it would probably make more sense to say that you set fire to me instead,” Howon almost sounds like he’s half joking. Except he’s not joking. At all.
Sungjong still looks like he doesn’t understand- it’s a lot to process and it’s probably why Howon didn’t want to have this conversation in the first place. But it has been started, and damn everything else, Howon will finish it.
Words comes out in a rushed tumble in Howon’s haste to make Sungjong understand. “I love you.”
Sungjong’s frowning now. “Hyung, I know you love me, why are you-”
“No, no,” Howon interrupts, cutting off Sungjong with panicked words. It’s now or never and while Howon thought the time would never come, it is definitely now. “I’m in love with you.”
Tense silence follows and the atmosphere becomes so thick with fear (Howon’s) and confusion (Sungjong’s) that two of them feel like they’re going to suffocate.
And then words are spewing from Howon’s mouth, like they can’t be stopped. In hindsight, Howon will blame the adrenaline rush.
“I don’t love you like how any of the other hyungs love you.” This is a confession, plain and simple. “We all love you, but I love you as more than a dongsaeng and more than a maknae and more than a bandmate should.” He doesn’t remember ever bumbling around with his words, but of course this is the time he chooses to do so. “And I’m sorry for falling in love with you.” He really is. It has been a struggle for him, emotionally. “I’m sorry for being the bad hyung who has fallen in love with his dongsaeng.” Things would be so much easier if he wasn’t in love with Sungjong- but as it stands, it’s just too late to not be. “But I’m not sorry for being in love with you.”
“You’re in love with me?” Sungjong repeats. He’s staring at Howon like he’s said the strangest thing- but there’s no disbelief on his face, just shock.
Howon is standing up now, long leaving his comfortable and safe bed. He shuffles just a little closer to Sungjong, feeling just a bit more courageous. Sungjong hasn’t left, stomping and disgusted, so he takes it is a ‘so far so good’ type of thing.
Howon sucks in a deep breath, continuing his confession. He doesn’t answer Sungjong. “And I am sorry for ignoring you and distancing myself. I just needed space from you.” Because I love you too much. The last part goes unsaid, but not necessarily unheard.
Howon stares shamelessly into Sungjong’s face and he knows- he knows that Sungjong gets it.
Sungjong is no longer confused- he understands, with a shocking sense of clarity. But know it feels like someone has splashed water all over him, like he has just been slapped in the face. “I don’t know what to say.” He honestly doesn’t. He can’t say that he expected this was the reason why Howon had been acting weird.
The adrenaline Howon didn’t even know he had been channeling starts to ebb as Howon realizes that he has said all that he had needed to say. He shuffles around awkwardly, playing with his hands and his pockets for the sake of doing something. He bites on his lower lip and only asks one think of Sungjong. “So?”
-
Howon waits nervously for Sungjong’s answer.
But Sungjong doesn’t have an answer to give.
Because maybe Howon’s words have struck a chord in his heart, have set his cheeks aflame, has given life to butterflies in his stomach. It’s a strange reaction, he knows, but maybe it’s the fact that it’s Howon that has proclaimed his love for him. Howon, who he has always followed and has adored to the utmost hyung degree. Howon, who cares for him like no one else, who has always smiled at him and laughed at his jokes. Howon, who says he is in love with him.
Sungjong doesn’t know what to do or what to say or how to react.
So Sungjong practices his own caution.
(Because maybe, Sungjong is scared too.)
He does what Howon had done to him prior.
He unlocks the door and walks away.
-
He takes Sungjong walking away as rejection. It’s hard to take it as anything except for that. And he wonders why he can’t chase after him right now, try to apologize, try to win him over, why he can’t do anything right now.
Howon wants to do something- hit something or cry or anything. Except he can’t bring himself to move, can’t find it in himself to let his unshed tears fall, can’t do anything. So he just sits there, feeling his own heart break.
His practice in caution has failed him on both accounts- first for being too cautious and and then for not being cautious enough.
-
To be fair to Sungjong, it had been a rather unexpected turn of events.
But Howon has had his time to deal (several weeks, actually) and now it’s Sungjong’s turn.
He mirrors Howon’s own actions- and now it’s him that starts avoiding Howon like he’s the cause of all inner turmoil and suffering.
-
The first real slap in the face to Howon comes when they’re deciding dorming arrangements during their stay in Japan.
Normally, he stays with Sungjong. They are the roommate couple for a reason.
Sunggyu is doing his normal duty of assigning roommates, although it is more of a mandatory thing, as everyone already has their preferred roommate.
But just when Sunggyu announces that Howon and Sungjong will share-
“I can’t,” Sungjong interjects.
“And why can’t you?” Sunggyu asks, eyebrow raised. “You’ve never had a problem rooming with Howon before.” It’s true, he hasn’t.
“I just can’t,” Sungjong reiterates. His eyes are pleading and the leader feels suspicious, even as he feels his defenses weakening over Sungjong’s begging face.
Sunggyu is looking at Sungjong with narrowed eyes, wondering what has spurred on this change.
Howon feels the sense of rejection burning into him- but all he does is grit his teeth and say, “I’ll room with Dongwoo instead.”
He couldn’t have expected things to be perfectly normal; in truth, he had been wondering how rooming up would go and had been mentally preparing himself for an awkward as fuck night with Sungjong.
But he accepts Sungjong’s decision easily- it’s Sungjong’s turn to have space. He gets that, he really does.
Because in the end, Sungjong still matters more to him than he himself does.
-
Sungjong has proceeded to shake up the room assignments. He turns to the closest hyung towards him and asks, “Hyung, can I room with you?” He doesn’t care who it is, as long as it’s not Howon for the night. It’s Myungsoo.
Woohyun can only frown. He speaks up before Myungsoo can. “I’m taking the maknae today.” He needs to talk to their baby, one-on-one.
“But hyung, Sungjong never rooms with me,” Myungsoo protests. It’s clear that he wouldn’t mind their maknae as his roommate for the night.
“He normally doesn’t room with me either,” Woohyun retorts, looking at Howon and then giving Sungjong a heavy stare- the implication is as suffocating as it is obvious. Sungjong bites his lip.
“I’m rooming with Sungjong,” Woohyun reiterates.
“Then we can take the three-person room,” Myungsoo argues.
Woohyun grits his teeth but can’t find a reason to deny Myungsoo.
The rest of the members, minus Howon, are all looking at them with curiosity and suspicion. “What’s the problem here?” Woohyun hears Dongwoo ask this.
It’s Sungjong who answers. “Nothing.”
And that’s that.
-
It’s a quiet night; they’re all tired, eager to get some well deserved rest.
Myungsoo talks animatedly with Sungjong for a while once they enter the hotel room and start getting ready for bed, genuinely happy that he gets to share a room with Sungjong for once.
So they talk and talk while Woohyun thinks and thinks.
Woohyun thinks of all different ways to bring it up, but in the end, Myungsoo does it for him.
“Not that I mind, but why didn’t you want to room with Howon hyung?”
Sungjong freezes, breaking their steady flow of conversation. "Just felt like having a different roommate for once." Sungjong lies straiight through his teeth towards Myungsoo. And then he fakes a yawn, feigning sudden sleepiness. "I'm actually really tired, hyung. Lets all go to sleep now."
So they turn off the lights and go to sleep.
-
Woohyun waits until Myungsoo is sound asleep. (It doesn’t take long.)
“Sungjong,” he whispers. There is silence. “Sungjong ah,” he calls out once more.
“What, hyung?” Sungjong asks, sighing softly as he whispers back.
Woohyun knows that Sungjong isn’t in the mood for a lecture or anything of the sort. The best thing to tell him, probably, is a reminder of what he already knows. “He loves you, you know.” Maybe Sungjong just needs to hear it from someone else. Maybe hearing it from someone else would make it more believable, more solid, more acceptable.
Woohyun wouldn’t be surprised if Sungjong chose to never answer his statement.
There is silence for a long stress of a moment before Woohyun hears Sungjong’s soft voice again. “I know.”
“Right now, all you’re doing is hurting each other.” Maybe Sungjong needs to hear this too.
His voice is firm and probably a little more forceful than it has to be when he says, “I’ll handle it, hyung.”
Woohyun knows when a conversation is done; he doesn’t say anything more for the night.
“I don’t want to hurt him,” he hears Sungjong whisper softly.
And Woohyun thinks that things will work out just fine.
-
Sungjong stays up late thinking.
When he thinks of Howon, he thinks of warmth, of a best friend, of someone who always brings a smile to his face. He thinks of someone he respects, who he adores, who is a wonderful person in his life.
He thinks of how Howon loves him.
Honestly speaking, Sungjong loves Howon. In what way and how deep, he’s about to discover. There is so much potential with them, and he knows this now. He knows this when he thinks about every single time Howon has smiled at him just a little brighter and hugged him a little tighter. Those are thoughts that warm his cheeks and make him feel tingly inside.
Sungjong has always associated warmth and protection and care with Howon. Those feelings haven’t magically sprouted now that he knows Howon feels more.
But now Sungjong is open to the thought of them progressing their relationship further and for the first time in a long time, Sungjong is at a loss.
With those thoughts, he falls asleep for the first time overseas not sharing a room with Howon.
(Out of sight, but very much still in mind.)
-
It’s the next day and Howon can’t bring himself to talk to Sungjong.
Sungjong never answered him and that hinders him more than he would like to admit.
Likewise, Sungjong can’t bring himself to talk to Howon.
Not when he’s not ready to give an answer.
Days pass like this.
-
It takes five days of a frigid cold war for Woohyun to give up on Howon and Sungjong fixing their relationship themselves. So he decides to do something to help.
With that something being locking them into his own bedroom- with the help of a confused but willing Lee Sungyeol.
Woohyun can’t help the airy little chuckle that escapes while he barricades the door from the outside.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Sungjong’s bossy tone has come out and Woohyun’s glad he has already barricaded the door. Woohyun believes Sungjong can be quite vicious but he’s not in the mood to figure out just how vicious the maknae can be.
“If you two aren’t going to do anything about it, I will.” Neither Howon or Sungjong can actually see him, but a smug grin is obviously on Woohyun’s face.
“The both of you love me, right? Talk it out quickly so that I can sleep! Do it for me!” Woohyun shouts towards the door before sauntering away.
Woohyun’s not surprised when he hears a vicious snarl of, “I hate you,” in return- no doubt coming from Howon.
-
All they need is a good, one-on-one, heartfelt talk.
Woohyun believes this.
So he is giving them the time to have one.
-
Sungjong is standing there, looking calm and collected, while Howon-
Howon feels like he’s on fucking fire. He doesn’t know what to do; he’s tense in his shoulders and barely stomps down the urge to move around. He manages to calm himself eventually, watching Sungjong carefully, waiting for the younger’s reaction to all of this.
Sungjong looks a lot calmer than he actually feels. Maybe it's because it has been five days since he has talked to Howon. And maybe in those five days, he has come up with his own answer. Woohyun has just given him the chance to voice it.
As Howon watches carefully, he can’t help the words that leave his mouth. “You walked out on me.” This is not a remark made to spite Sungjong. It is simply said as a statement that both Howon and Sungjong know as truth.
“It’s your fault, you sprung it on me!” Sungjong decides to defend himself and protest.
Okay, so maybe Howon did spring it on the younger. But still.
“You still walked out,” Howon retorts. (He’s hurt, okay? Let him be bitter.)
“I didn’t know how to react, okay?” Sungjong huffs, cheeks red with both embarrassment and anger.
There’s a pause and then Howon picks up their conversation. “So have you had enough time to react yet?” Howon asks, almost sheepish.
Another pause and then Sungjong is looking at him in that deliberate way that makes Howon feel like he’s on fire. “Why don’t you find out?” The way Sungjong has phrased this almost sounds like he’s baiting him, like he is sassily demanding that Howon do all that he can to find out.
As to why he would demand such a thing-
The implication is obvious. “I’m not confessing again,” Howon deadpans.
They slip into their usual playful banter easily, like they haven’t been tense with each other for the past couple weeks.
This is it. The easiness of their relationship, their fluidness, the complete sense of naturality- this is what warms Howon to the core and keeps him up at night.
But Howon’s really set on not confessing again- once was already enough, he thinks. Except Sungjong is looking at him in the perfect way that just brings Howon to his knees and crumbles his entire existence. Eventually, he can only look at Sungjong pleadingly. “Do I really have to?”
“That would be nice,” Sungjong sniffs. The younger has crossed his arms and a foot is tapping in impatience- it’s clear that he’s expecting Howon to follow through. And it’s clear that Sungjong’s nervous too, with how he’s biting on his lower lip slightly and refuses to make proper eye contact.
And even now, when he looks at Sungjong, Howon can’t help but think of how well he’s fallen in love.
So he risks caution once more. “I love you,” he breathes out. He says these words in the same manner he had before- shamelessly direct and unhurried. He’s not scared anymore, not when it’s already out in the open. Sungjong can do what he wants with his heart, as long as their maknae knows he has it. (Although Howon does have his preferences- he would rather Sungjong keep his heart safe and protected rather than through it on the ground and break it. Alas, the choice is not his.)
Sungjong’s answer is slow and measured. “I know,” he sighs. “I can’t say I love you just as much as you love me- or even in the same way.” Well, Howon can’t say he’s surprised. But he also can’t say the words don’t hurt him any.
Sungjong continues. “But I do love you and I would love to make you happy and try with you.” This part is a little surprising, Howon admits. He opens his mouth to reply but Sungjong’s not done.
He thinks about the warmth and protection and the happy feelings Howon gives him, has always given him. Those thoughts are what make him continue. A little shyly, he adds, “And knowing you, you would probably make me really happy too.” He’s blushing but his eyes are bold and confident.
Howon suddenly finds it a little hard to breathe. “What are you saying?” Howon’s too skeptical to hope at this point. The underlying meaning is striking, even as Howon tries to tell himself not to get his hopes up.
If Sungjong were to think of anyone who he would be okay with dating within INFINITE, it would be Howon. ‘“I am saying-” Sungjong looks a little shy but otherwise determined. “I am saying that I would love to be your boyfriend.” That is as close to a return confession that Howon is going to get.
And Howon is completely, absolutely floored. He didn’t expect this. But of course- when do you expect the expected with Lee Sungjong?
He opens his mouth to talk but his voice catches in his throat and his breath hitches. His mind is peacefully blank, only bothering to acknowledge just one thing.
Sungjong is giving him a chance.
Lee Sungjong is giving him a chance.
The boy of his dreams, the love of his life, the reason behind a lot of emotional turmoil and wallowing- he’s standing in front of him, fidgeting on his toes. He is looking at Howon expectantly. Again, he mirrors own of Howon’s actions. “So?” he murmurs. “What do you say?”
Sungjong’s not the type to run into someone’s arms and profess his love- he’s honestly not. And Howon knows this, doesn’t except Sungjong to do anything close to the sort.
It’s not the ideal situation- Howon’s not even sure if Sungjong loves him in the same way or will ever.
But Sungjong walks up and he opens his arms for a hug and he’s smiling.
He is willing to try.
All of that is perfectly fine with Howon.
-
Eventually, Woohyun lets both Howon and Sungjong out of his room, forcing the same willing (albeit confused) bandmate to let out their temporary prisoners. He needs his room back.
Sungjong walks out of the room quickly, cheeks a fair pink. Woohyun resists the urge to ask about what has just transpired- he’s curious. It couldn’t be helped.
And then Howon walks out afterwards. When Howon shoulders past him, he gives him an appreciative pat on the back, and it makes Woohyun blink in confusion. Howon’s already walking past him though, staring straight ahead.
Woohyun watches Howon for a moment, noting the tender smile on Howon’s face- it’s a face he hasn’t seen in a long while. He’s missed it. It is a smile that warms him to the core. He has an inkling as to what has happened.
And when he follows Howon’s line of sight, he sees Sungjong walking away, strong and proud.
When Howon catches up in stride with Sungjong, only to throw a comfortable arm around the younger, Woohyun just knows.
-
If anyone were to ask Howon a couple months ago if he thought he would end up dating Lee Sungjong, he would laugh in their face and then go sulk in a corner over Lee Sungjong and his perfection and the unrequited love that is his love.
But if anyone were to ask him now, Howon would grin, pull Sungjong into his arms (and watch him roll his eyes) and then get the satisfaction of saying, “I’m already dating him”.
And if that conversation were to continue and that hypothetical person were to ask if he was happy with his relationship, Howon would be able to summarize in a few short reasons why he’s floating on fucking clouds because of his boyfriend.
One reason would be that his boyfriend is so beautiful it fucking hurts. Inside and out, his boyfriend is positively gorgeous. Granted, he has his flaws, but they’re imperfections that only work to highlight every other beautiful aspect of his strong personality and glorious self.
Another reason isn’t one that Howon would outright admit easily- but it is that his boyfriend makes him weak to his knees in the best way possible. With his strength, his confidence, his heart- his boyfriend does what no one else can. Because no one else can make Howon feel weak-kneed and wobbly and tingly like he can.
It is also a plus that he could probably start fires with what he feels for his boyfriend. He sets fire to his insides, after all. Although it might be more realistic to say that what he feels for his boyfriend could set him on fire. Whatever. They are both sound reasons to Howon. All it takes is a single touch, anyway.
But the most telling reason of all would simply be that his boyfriend is Lee Sungjong.
And that’s all the reason Howon needs.
-end.
Pairing: Hoya/Sungjong
Summary: Sungjong does what only Sungjong can- he makes Howon weak to his knees.
-
Caution is a long time practice, exercised when weary of danger, pain, fear, or a mixture of all three. It takes special care and avoidance, a refusal to commit mistakes or to be careless.
There are different variations of caution, but the fact that remains is that a practice in caution is a practice in protecting one’s self.
-
Lee Howon is a cautious person, amongst being a multitude of other things. He may not appear to be like so, especially when it seems like he acts however he damn well pleases- but it is a caution that comes with his instincts.
It may not seem like the textbook definition of being a cautious person- he is not overtly heedful nor afraid. Instead, he is bold and is anything that he wants to be.
But he is cautious in that he listens to his instincts, watches out for himself, refuses to cause himself harm. Because a practice in caution is a practice in protecting one’s self- and Howon has always been good at protecting himself. Protecting his mind, protecting his body, protecting his heart.
Because Lee Howon, with all that he is snark and sharp tongue and casual confidence, he practices caution.
-
Lee Howon can count on his fingers how many times he has failed to practice caution over the recent years- only thrice.
But three times is enough.
Because it is his failure of this practice those three times that changes Lee Howon’s life in ways he never thought possible.
-
His first failure to exercise caution is when he meets Lee Sungjong- fellow bandmate, maknae, and eternal cause of inner turmoil and suffering.
Because before he knows it, he falls in love.
-
It starts off as something simple, like it always does. A simple tug of the heartstrings, a little smile.
And just like it always does, things eventually go to hell.
-
Lee Howon falls in love with Lee Sungjong simply, but it’s everything about Sungjong that makes Howon fall in love deeply.
-
Sungjong becomes so much more to him than he thought possible; before long, he is more than just a simple dongsaeng and more than a bandmate- and he was always more than just a person to him.
His fall is a gradual one from grace; he is a hyung that Sungjong had chose to stick close to since the beginning. And Howon had accepted that, relished in the respect and affection Sungjong had given him as an older brother figure.
With every single moment he spends with Sungjong, he feels their bond deepening, their friendship being taken to new heights. This is only possible because of how Lee Sungjong is as a person.
Lee Sungjong is all infectious smiles and sexiness and cuteness and maturity rolled into one beautiful being; he’s understanding and kind but doesn’t take anyone’s shit- and he’s actually all levels of gorgeous and self-confident but works so, so hard to be recognized for his talent and everything that he is. He has an eye-smile that melts hearts, a voice so sweet it stirs the deepest of things in Howon, and a personality so dependably likable that every hyung is at least a little bit in love with Sungjong.
And Howon learns all of this quickly.
With this knowledge, before long, he’s tripping himself up and over for Sungjong. He had started out so cautious, he didn’t even realize he had fallen before it is simply too late.
It’s not a problem at first. No, at first, he appreciates all of it, loves that he is able to be so close to their beautiful Sungjong.
But he gets too close too fast and he’s already tripping and he doesn’t know if he can catch himself in time. Before long, his instincts scream for him to be cautious, to not ruin the beautiful bond they share.
But regardless of his instincts, of practices in caution- Howon still falls in love simply.
He falls deeply in love with every little thing about Lee Sungjong.
-
Howon figures that there are three main reasons as to why he knows that he is doomed to an eternity of being in love with their maknae.
-
Reason number one is that Lee Sungjong is so fucking beautiful that it hurts.
-
Lee Howon, honest to God, finds Lee Sungjong beautiful.
Beauty is subjective and he knows that. It is in the eye of the beholder, made up of preconceived notions and personal preferences.
But to Howon, beauty is simple. It isn’t just about having a pretty face- as an idol, he knows firsthand that not everyone with a pretty face is beautiful. Instead, he finds that beauty lies in having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and a pretty soul.
And to him, Lee Sungjong is the most beautiful of all.
-
There is something in Sungjong’s smile, he thinks.
Something infectious, something so precious that makes it incapable for anyone to fully escape its charm.
One of his favorite pastimes is making Lee Sungjong smile and laugh. It is, truly, a beautiful sight- which is the only reason he does it. He can’t help it. Honestly.
Or at least, that’s what he likes to tell himself when he finds himself cracking jokes at every single opportunity, why he laughs extra loudly when Sungjong is around, when he always makes sure to laugh at Sungjong’s little antics. Sungjong is typically funny without trying and awkward when he does try- but whether he is legitimately funny or is sincerely trying, it doesn’t really matter to Howon.
He’ll laugh anyway.
Because he just can’t help it.
And it helps that Sungjong usually smiles gratefully at him in return.
-
Howon would like to think that the rest of his bandmates are none the wiser about what he feels for their forever fresh maknae.
It is a shame that Howon thinks wrong.
-
Howon has grown accustomed to being very hyper aware of Sungjong; with that hyper awareness comes a lot of unintentional staring. It’s more Sungjong’s fault than his, honestly.
So he watches Sungjong sometimes (or all the time)- it’s not a problem. Not really. It’s more of a habit than anything else, to watch for that beautiful eye smile, to see the subtle hints of confidence and sensuality, to note the way Sungjong’s eyebrows crease when angry, what he does when he’s sad, how he shows his happiness.
It’s a habit- nothing more, nothing less.
-
And then he gets a reality check.
-
“You’re so fucking obvious,” Woohyun tells him one day. It is a photo shoot day and Howon may or may not have been ogling the maknae.
Howon turns his head to the sound of the voice and is met with a grinning Nam Woohyun. “Can you repeat that?” He genuinely did not hear Woohyun. His mind had registered the noise, but not much of anything else- but to fair, his mind had been otherwise preoccupied.
Woohyun indulges him and repeats his statement, letting the words come out in a slow, amused drawl. “You’re so fucking obvious.”
The statement brings confusion for maybe about five seconds- what could Woohyun be talking about? There was nothing to hide, and thus, nothing to be obvious about. Howon is just about ready to snort and say some sassy remark and then go back to watching Sungjong- and then it hits him. Sungjong.
And then all Howon feels is panic bubbling up inside him because- Woohyun couldn’t be implying that-? No. He couldn’t be.
“What are you talking about?” Howon sputters, demanding a question like he hadn’t just been caught staring at Lee Sungjong.
Woohyun cackles at Howon’s lack of eloquence, finding enjoyment in the overreaction. “You think I haven’t noticed?” He’s merely teasing because it’s rare for Howon to lose his composure.
Howon gives him the bitch stare of all bitch stares, urging him to come out with that he’s implying.
Because it couldn’t be what Howon thinks it is- no, of course not. He only had a little habit towards their maknae, nothing worth actually taking notice of.
Woohyun only tuts playfully, throwing a very meaningful glance towards Sungjong.
Howon can only cough in embarrassment at being caught- but he doesn’t deny Woohyun anything.
And that speaks louder than anything else.
-
With their photo shoot done, each member of INFINITE is beyond exhausted. No one is the exception to this and it’s obvious when they all drag their bodies to the van. They pile up close to one another, finding comfort in another person’s body heat as their tired selves try to catch up on some well deserved sleep.
Sungjong curls into him in the van on the ride home and Howon can only sigh softly once he senses the familiar feeling that is Sungjong resting his head on his shoulder. Howon shifts a little in his seat, making himself perfectly solid and comfortable for Sungjong to rest against. He loves moments like these. Not necessarily moments where he’s tired and ready to pass out- he could probably do without those.
But he loves the moments where he can feel the warmth of another person, that type of security blanket that comes with someone being pressed into your side.
And it’s all the more better that the person in this case is Sungjong.
The warmth that he feels radiating from Sungjong is gentle and enveloping; before long, he closes his eyes and his breathing evens.
Howon is lulled to sleep by the warmth that is Lee Sungjong.
-
Woohyun sees more than what he is given credit for, knows more than anyone thinks he does.
He sees it plain as day, the type of love Howon has for Sungjong.
It’s clear that Sungjong is more than just a dongsaeng to Howon- always has been, always will be.
He can see it in the lingering touches, can hear it in the snarky words laden with affection, can feel it in the sincerity of every single action towards their maknae.
And that type of love warms Nam Woohyun to the core.
-
Howon loves Sungjong so much he can almost fool himself into thinking he hates him.
Because he should- hate him, that is. He should hate him because of all that he is, all that he makes him feel.
It is absolutely ridiculous, he thinks.
-
This love he has for Sungjong is so ridiculous that Howon needs to find a way to make it a little less ridiculous.
He needs space. He can’t constantly be around Sungjong when he feels so much that he’s not supposed to feel.
He can’t harm himself further, he can’t give himself a reason to be pained. Nor can he risk their friendship, their relationship. And on top of all of that- really, Howon is just scared. He’s scared of how much Sungjong means to him and how much the younger will continue to mean to him- all whilst Sungjong remains blissfully unaware.
The risks are high and Howon can’t afford to lose.
-
Howon starts avoiding Sungjong like he’s the reason for all heartache and melancholic pinings of the soul.
(Which, Howon supposes, probably wouldn’t be too far from the truth.)
-
He starts distancing himself gradually; he starts turning down invitations to hang out, leaves the room when Sungjong enters, comes home late at night when he knows Sungjong will already be sleeping.
They’re all small things, really. He just wants a little distance. He just wants to take a little bit of precaution, wants to make it so that he has a chance of saving himself.
It’s a cold move, but it’s all that Howon can think to do.
Howon can only hope that Sungjong doesn’t notice what he’s doing.
-
Sungjong notices.
-
It has been about two weeks and Howon is afraid he might be going through Sungjong withdrawals.
The lack of any type of contact leaves him feeling grumpier and more easily irritable than he should be.
-
It has been close to three weeks now and Woohyun still sees more than what he is given credit for and much more than what Howon is comfortable with. “Like avoiding Sungjong is going to do anyone any favors,” he snorts. Woohyun scolds with the concern that comes from being a friend.
Howon snaps back immediately, defensive and irritable. “Do you have any better ideas?” He certainly doesn’t. He takes one look at the rather thoughtful look on Woohyun’s face and decides to cut him off before the older can say something that will inevitably mess him up even more than Sungjong already has. “The logical thing is to distance myself,” he grits. Don't get too close or you'll get burned- or something like that.
It is a practice in caution, obviously.
“That’s a cold way to put it,” Woohyun retorts. “There are better ways to deal with this.”
“There’s no better way than the logical way,” Howon grumbles. Because this is the answer his mind has given him, the logic that he calls his own. “It’s better to do the logical thing than to do the illogical thing,” he says this with a shrug, like he’s nonchalantly stating the status of the weather.
Woohyun raises an inquisitive eyebrow in return. “And what’s the illogical thing?”
Howon can only only sigh before he speaks. “To be stupid and follow my heart.”
And to follow his heart would mean-
Howon doesn't even want to think about it.
-
Howon wonders sometimes when his feelings actually developed- but he supposes that Lee Sungjong has always been a matter of interest.
-
It turns out that Howon is not the only member going through withdrawal symptoms
-
Sungjong isn’t oblivious to how Howon is acting. He doesn’t know why, but he knows something is wrong- specifically, something is wrong with them. Howon may think he is blissfully unaware, but Sungjong is anything but.
It shows on his face, what he feels about this new situation. Every time Howon looks away from him, every time he leaves a room when the maknae enters, every time he does something that he would usually never do. Sungjong can’t fight the scowl or the narrowed eyes or the general displeasure.
He wonders where his friend has gone, if he has done something wrong, and what is making Howon act like this. Sungjong is a dongsaeng that cares, a friend that is concerned, and a person honestly wondering what the hell is going on.
But above all else, he is a person that is missing an important person in his life. Not physically, no. They still live in the same dorm, after all. But in all other aspects, yes.
He simply misses his hyung.
-
The constant scowling Sungjong has taken up doesn’t escape Howon.
And while he is trying to avoid Sungjong and literally hides from him when able, Howon can never, will never, be able to hide his concern. The question slips before Howon can think about it. “Are you okay?” he asks, worried over the perma-frown on Sungjong’s face. And then he wants to slap himself upside the face because- wasn’t he supposed to not have any contact with Sungjong?
“The real question here is if you’re okay.” Sungjong is staring at him intently, like he can read Howon’s mind if he just stares long enough. He is returning the concern tenfold and Howon doesn’t know what to do. The feeling of wanting to slap himself upside the face remains.
Because this is the type of whole hearted, sincere concern that scares Howon. So he reacts. “Don’t talk to me like that.” Now Howon is the one frowning. It’s not a nice answer, but Howon is scrambling to put some distance between him and Sungjong. And this is the way to do it.
It is the first real time Howon has ever reacted to Sungjong like that; he has brushed him off, and coldly at that.
Howon walks away with a minor frown and heavy feet.
Sungjong can only blink in bewilderment; he feels the gears of change moving and he doesn’t quite know where he stands.
-
Howon can’t handle that type of concern.
Not from Sungjong.
Not when he makes him feel so much.
-
The second reason is not one easily stated. As such, it is because few can do what Sungjong does to Howon on a daily basis.
There is no other person in this world that can bring Howon to his knees like Sungjong can.
-
The thing with Howon is that he knows just how strong Sungjong is- how fierce, how fearless.
He is confident in what he does, in himself, in the people he loves.
He is an anchor to everyone else in INFINITE, acts as more than just the maknae. It is true that while he is their forever fresh maknae, he is also a source of strength, a way of healing, a constant support that crushes every single fear and insecurity into nothing with a single smile or action.
And that strength is what makes Howon weak to his knees.
-
Sungjong isn’t the type to passively wait for any chances. He’s a fighter, that one. If he wants something, he is going to go after it.
And what he wants right now, more than anything, is to fix things with Howon. Because it is obvious that something is wrong.
So the moment Sungjong finds Howon alone, just sitting on the couch, he takes his chance.
He takes a moment to watch Howon quietly; he’s really just sitting there. He hasn’t even noticed that Sungjong has entered their living room area- strange, seeing as how he has “animal instincts”. He looks tired and weary; it is a look he has been carrying with him for the past several weeks.
There is an unspoken question on Sungjong’s lips, just waiting to be said. He wants to ask what’s wrong, what’s going on between them, demand why Howon is acting this way. But he asks none of those things. Instead, he settles for a simple, “How are you, hyung?”
Howon jolts up at the voice and curses when he finds out (when his mind, his heart, his soul tells him) that it’s Sungjong speaking. He reacts accordingly to the question, mind already thinking of escape plans. “I’m okay, Jong,” he mumbles. “Just a little tired.” A little tired of being in love.
“Did you want to go watch a movie or something to relax?” Sungjong offers with a little smile, intent on helping. Howon will never tell him outright, but he at least wants to do something if he can. And movies are their thing- surely it would make Howon feel better. Because even if Howon doesn’t say anything, even if Sungjong doesn’t know exactly what is bothering his hyung- he knows that something is wrong. He can feel it in the core of his being that something is changing- with every strained smile and sigh when he thinks no one is paying attention. And that something is what is bothering Howon.
And Howon’s heart just sighs, in both affection and longing.
But he can’t accept. He needs this distance.
“Not tonight, Sungjong.”
-
Sungjong doesn’t even bother hiding his hurt and contempt at Howon’s pathetic attempt of keeping to himself.
He is so stupid, Sungjong thinks.
-
It is so stupid how sentimental he gets over this one boy. It’s stupid how he wants to give Sungjong the world, would choose him over anyone else, would do anything for that precious smile.
It is just so stupid.
-
But Sungjong keeps trying.
-
Woohyun corners him one day, intent on knocking some sense into him. “You’re hurting him.” And Woohyun knows this, can see it in Sungjong’s eyes whenever Howon shrugs him off or refuses to talk. He knows this because he knows Sungjong- Sungjong who he has known for forever, Sungjong who he feels like he has raised, Sungjong who he fights with but loves unconditionally. “And you’re hurting too.” And Woohyun knows Howon too. And in knowing Howon, he knows how stubborn Howon can be- and he also knows how much Howon needs to hear this.
“Don’t preach at me like you know how I’m feeling,” Howon growls out, not in the mood to be lectured about his wayward emotions.
“Except I fucking do,” Woohyun sneers. Obviously the nice and thoughtful approach isn’t working. So he’ll try the blunt way instead and see how it goes. “You don’t think we can’t see it? Do you think we’re all blind or that we’ll turn the other way? Is that it?” he hisses. “Because we see what you’re doing here- we’re seeing you distance yourself, we’re seeing you trying to get away from Sungjong, we’re seeing you make excuses to save yourself when all you’re doing is hurting yourself and the person you care for most.” Woohyun is speaking on their behalf- because while he is not completely sure all of the members are aware, there have been signs. And they’ve been together for so long, even the tiniest of signs are picked up immediately.
And it’s not even a collective amount of small signs- it’s a ridiculously huge one. A blatantly large one that makes Woohyun wonder if Howon thinks the rest of them are stupid- because really, it’s a large sign.
Howon has always favored Sungjong, has always cared about him most. He has always gone out of his way for him, has always spent that extra minute talking or playing around with him when he could.
Wouldn’t it be strange for that to suddenly change?
And even if they don’t all know, that’s fine. Woohyun does though. Which is all that really matters, because he’s the person talking to Howon.
Howon can only stare back defiantly as Woohyun picks him apart; for all that he is known for his glib tongue, he cannot find the words to refute this bandmate- this person who cares. He can only groan, feeling the little stabs at his heart. Because he knows what he has been doing, knows better than anyone else. But he needs to be able to go on doing what he’s doing for the sake of himself. “I really don’t need need this right now.”
Except he does. And Woohyun knows this too. So he only says one more thing before he lets Howon go. “You love him, and that’s fine.” Woohyun is serious and sincere- so much that it feels like Howon is suffocating in his concerned gaze. “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that it’s not fine.”
But Howon doesn’t feel fine.
"I don't know why you insist on hurting yourself."
Howon knows why.
-
Howon loves in a way that is so strong and unapologetic, but at the same time, so self-deprecating.
-
Howon is scared of Sungjong’s reaction, of hurting himself, but that’s not all of why he never wants Sungjong to know.
He’s confident and self-assured in all aspects of his life except for this one- because who is he to say that he is deserving of Lee Sungjong?
It’s true that he knows Sungjong best, that he cares for him on an entirely different level, and that Sungjong treats him differently as well.
But is it not a betrayal of trust, of friendship, that he feels this way for Sungjong? That he feels so strongly for his dongsaeng, a younger boy who he had taken under his wing and allowed to follow him all the way until now?
There is honor and trust in having a dongsaeng who trusts so wholeheartedly- and to be frank, it makes Howon feel like a shitty hyung sometimes. Yes, he always takes care of Sungjong well. Yes, he always guides him. On accounts of being a good and respected hyung, Howon does pretty well.
But he’s also pretty sure that not every hyung is deeply in love with their precious dongsaeng.
In Howon’s mind, if he can betray the trust that Sungjong had so innocently given to him as his hyung, then obviously he is not worthy.
Howon refuses to ruin their relationship, refuses to ruin Sungjong in any way. Woohyun may say that it’s fine to love Sungjong, that he shouldn’t let anyone tell him that it’s not fine, but what is he to do when the person telling him it’s not fine is himself?
-
Sungjong is the maknae; he carries with him the easy confidence that even if all his hyungs tease and bully him, at the end of the day, every single one of them love him like no one else. He knows this, accepts this, and wears their love like a protective cloak so that nothing and no one else can hurt him. He is protected in that way, in that sense.
-
Lee Howon protects Lee Sungjong above all else.
Even if it is at the sake of himself.
But there is torture in protecting so selflessly.
There is pain in being so close and yet so far, in being able to stare into his eyes, in being able to draw him into a hug, to hold him, to have him be such a precious person in his life.
It’s starting to get suffocating, being around Sungjong. Things are harder to hide behind glib comments and sassy smiles.
-
Woohyun has become a counselor of sorts; he is the only one Howon can talk to about Sungjong. Granted, most of the time Woohyun goes to Howon, but he is sincerely just trying to help. “You should just fall in love with someone else.” Woohyun doesn’t mean it, of course. He knows that if it were so simple, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. But he says it to offer what little advice he can. He’s almost joking with his words because he knows that if Howon could, there wouldn’t be a problem right now. Woohyun says it as a consoling statement, one that even he doesn’t believe.
Howon appreciates the airy words. It’s not like he’s never thought about that before. It would be so much easier if the person he was in love with wasn’t Sungjong.
But Howon knows that it is not so simple, can never be that simple. With a simpering little smirk, he tuts at his fellow member and shakes his head in that deprecating little manner of his.
He shakes his head because he knows real love cannot be taken away or stolen by someone else.
-
Howon thinks that the worse part in all of this is that he has hope.
Sungjong gives him hope. Hope that they can be something more. But his instincts tell him to be scared of that hope, to proceed with caution, to not let himself become broken over what could or could not be. This hope scares him, makes him want to run away.
And that can only be the worst part because Howon is not someone who runs.
-
The third and final reason is both the most simple and the one that resonates the loudest in Howon- with the reason being that one little touch from Sungjong is enough to set fire to his insides.
-
When they touch each other, whether it be by hugging or playing around or holding each other’s hand- it’s all casual touching and Howon knows this. It’s Korea and they are a korean pop band. Skinship is normal. There is absolutely nothing amiss at first.
And then he starts feeling a casual burn, one that he has grown accustomed to associating with Sungjong.
INFINITE, as an idol group, is good at laying on the skinship.
Howon, not extraordinarily, but he manages.
But brief instants of impromptu skin on skin in the purest of ways end up affecting Howon in ways he didn’t think it would; it’s supposed to be cute and light, a way to please the fans and also to showcase their relationships. But Howon soon finds that it’s different with their maknae. Because when he so much as touches their maknae, he feels something unwinding in him, something coming alive. It feels like something akin to a slow burn, a precious tingle that sets fire to his cheeks, his stomach, his heart. To everything.
He thinks that maybe it’s because of how lovely Sungjong looks when he smiles. Or how he looks when embarrassed- flushed and angry. Maybe it’s because of how much Sungjong stomachs for them, how irritated he gets, how much he lets them get away with while still keeping them in line. Make no mistake, Sungjong rules INFINITE with his iron fist of maknae cuteness. No matter what anyone says, Howon believes this.
But whatever the case may be, Howon always feels the instinctive need to brush at Sungjong’s bangs as he tells him he did well, to hug him in comfort, to thank him for existing with a hug or a high five or a smile.
In the end, that feeling has Howon turning their casual skinship into lingering moments and the dire need to be in contact with Sungjong.
Howon experiments a lot in the beginning, actually. He ups the skinship with the rest of the members, trying to find out how they make him feel, why some(one) make(s) him feel different.
And then he comes to the startling conclusion that no one makes him feel what Sungjong does.
He’s already long past gone, and he has known that.
-
Sungjong sets fire to his insides- plain and simple.
Others might call it butterflies.
But those people don’t understand.
Howon understands why some might say he is feeling butterflies as opposed to actual burning- but what he feels is in no way associated with little bugs fluttering about.
What he feels is a legitimate heat, one that ignites and flares and burns up his heart when Sungjong is around.
So no. Not butterflies.
-
Howon has been acting strange for weeks on end.
Sungjong has tried to talk to him and figure out why, but Howon insists on making things difficult.
As such, this is how Sungjong ends up having this conversation. “Just tell me what’s wrong and we can fix it.” He doesn’t know why Howon won’t listen to him. Maybe if he puts more frustration in his voice- but he doesn’t know how much more he can put.
Not when all of his conversations with Howon as of late have been like this. “It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.” Howon is ready to gloss over the subject, to be able to hide his feelings for just another day longer.
But this is it. This is Sungong’s breaking point.
“Never tell me that it doesn’t matter. It’s obviously important- look at how you’re hurting! And if it’s hurting you this much, then it obviously fucking matters.” Sungjong is spitting out his words, seething angry. Frustration has given way to anger.
And all Howon can think of when he sees the anger in Sungjong’s eyes, the care in them, the honest concern- all he can think about is ah, I fell in love well.
That, he supposes, is the worst part.
Sungjong has had enough of this. He honestly has. “You’ve been acting different lately.” His tone is fierce and accusatory. He’s tired of waiting around and asking subtle questions in hopes that Howon will just tell him what’s wrong. Howon’s obviously not going to, but Sungjong still needs to know- even if he has to demand it out of the older boy. “Tell me why.”
His eyes are flashing angry and defiant, as if daring Howon not to answer him.
But in the end, Howon dares. Because even still, in the face of an angry Sungjong, Howon’s resolve does not crumble. Instead, he chooses to save his heart so that it can last a little longer. “It really is nothing.”
And then he walks away.
He can’t continuously be in Sungjong’s presence. Not when he doesn’t want the younger boy to know that Howon would willingly throw his figurative heart at him if he was guaranteed that Sungjong would catch it.
-
It’s a practice in caution.
That’s what he tells himself.
But maybe it is something simpler than that, something less glorified and gracious.
(Maybe Howon is scared.)
-
Sungjong feels a sudden childish urge to retaliate- if Howon suddenly doesn’t care about their friendship, then why should he? (Okay, fine, Sungjong doesn’t actually know if Howon has stopped caring- but he certainly isn’t acting like he cares.)
But he catches himself in his fit of anger. His relationship with Howon is much too important to be thrown away in a moment of childish anger.
Howon is much too important.
But it hurts, this sudden shift of their relationship. It is not a lie when people say he follows Howon the most, that he is the one he depends on, talks to, adores the most.
Except now the Howon he has grown to adore and follow is nowhere to be found and Sungjong is left stumbling, trying to find him.
-
The next time Sungjong confronts Howon, it has been two days and Sungjong is calmer. Calm enough, at least, to lock himself and Howon in Howon’s room. He enters with a flourish and locks the door before Howon can say a word. He stands by the door too, so there will be no escape. Sungjong has figured most of it out, to the best of his ability. He, at the very least, figures that he’s the problem. He wastes no time with pleasantries or greetings. “Did I do something wrong?”
Howon is ready to flee the scene (he would be able to find a way, probably), but Sungjong’s not having any of it. “Lee Howon, if you still care about me even a little, you are going to stay here until we talk this out.” This is a command, plain and simple. The lack of honorifics is telling. “If I mean anything to you at all, you are going to talk to me.” There is a stubborn grit to Sungjong’s lips and Howon knows that the only way he would be able to get through that door is if he picked Sungjong up and threw him away from there.
On top of that though- he has stated that if he means anything, then Howon has to talk to him.
And Sungjong just means so much.
So Howon is trapped.
He sits up on his bed and then stills, looking at Sungjong cautiously.
“Did I do something wrong?” Sungjong repeats.
Howon is ansty, not liking how he feels cornered. But this talk is happening, whether Howon likes it or not. “Yes,” Howon blurts. He can’t control his words- it’s like a dam has been broken (by Sungjong- go figure) and now he can’t stop himself. It is high time, in any case. Even Howon knew he couldn’t avoid this forever.
Lee Sungjong has done so many things wrong, has wronged him on so many levels- on accounts of wrecking his mind, wrecking his heart, and just plainly wrecking his soul.
“What did I do?” Sungjong demands. “Tell me and I’ll fix it.”
“It’s not so much what you did.” Howon amends, innerly panicking. He foolishly thinks about how he thought he could avoid this conversation forever. It’s not so much of what Sungjong did, but more of just Sungjong in general. Just Sungjong being Sungjong.
Sungjong only gives him a blank look for a moment before he deadpans, “I’m confused.” He huffs before he asks, “Did I do something wrong or not?”
He is being completely honest when he tells Sungjong, “You do so many things to me, Sungjong.”
And that’s utterly fucking terrifying, if Howon is still being completely honest.
Sungjong’s moving closer now, away from the door. “Explain, please,” he asks. He honestly wants to understand.
Howon doesn’t want to explain, really.
But the way Sungjong is looking at him though- it’s the look that gives Howon hope. It’s the look that shows affection and care and love. The look that makes Howon feel courageous for just a moment, that makes him feel strong enough to press on.
In this moment, he chooses to abandon his practices of caution.
He’s completely terrified that this will ruin him, ruin them- but there is this burning in him, this need to tell Sungjong. He can’t stop the sudden rush of feelings, nor can he stop whatever it is that he feels and has been feeling for this boy.
So he needs to say something, anything.
And then he’ll go from there.
-
“I could start fires with what I feel for you.”
-
Sungjong is understandably confused, a tingling feeling unfurling in the pits of his stomach at Howon’s words. He can only question what has already been established. “What did you just say?”
Howon repeats himself shamelessly, fueled by the sudden need to make Sungjong know. “I could start fires with what I feel for you,” he says, slow and direct and unashamed. “Although it would probably make more sense to say that you set fire to me instead,” Howon almost sounds like he’s half joking. Except he’s not joking. At all.
Sungjong still looks like he doesn’t understand- it’s a lot to process and it’s probably why Howon didn’t want to have this conversation in the first place. But it has been started, and damn everything else, Howon will finish it.
Words comes out in a rushed tumble in Howon’s haste to make Sungjong understand. “I love you.”
Sungjong’s frowning now. “Hyung, I know you love me, why are you-”
“No, no,” Howon interrupts, cutting off Sungjong with panicked words. It’s now or never and while Howon thought the time would never come, it is definitely now. “I’m in love with you.”
Tense silence follows and the atmosphere becomes so thick with fear (Howon’s) and confusion (Sungjong’s) that two of them feel like they’re going to suffocate.
And then words are spewing from Howon’s mouth, like they can’t be stopped. In hindsight, Howon will blame the adrenaline rush.
“I don’t love you like how any of the other hyungs love you.” This is a confession, plain and simple. “We all love you, but I love you as more than a dongsaeng and more than a maknae and more than a bandmate should.” He doesn’t remember ever bumbling around with his words, but of course this is the time he chooses to do so. “And I’m sorry for falling in love with you.” He really is. It has been a struggle for him, emotionally. “I’m sorry for being the bad hyung who has fallen in love with his dongsaeng.” Things would be so much easier if he wasn’t in love with Sungjong- but as it stands, it’s just too late to not be. “But I’m not sorry for being in love with you.”
“You’re in love with me?” Sungjong repeats. He’s staring at Howon like he’s said the strangest thing- but there’s no disbelief on his face, just shock.
Howon is standing up now, long leaving his comfortable and safe bed. He shuffles just a little closer to Sungjong, feeling just a bit more courageous. Sungjong hasn’t left, stomping and disgusted, so he takes it is a ‘so far so good’ type of thing.
Howon sucks in a deep breath, continuing his confession. He doesn’t answer Sungjong. “And I am sorry for ignoring you and distancing myself. I just needed space from you.” Because I love you too much. The last part goes unsaid, but not necessarily unheard.
Howon stares shamelessly into Sungjong’s face and he knows- he knows that Sungjong gets it.
Sungjong is no longer confused- he understands, with a shocking sense of clarity. But know it feels like someone has splashed water all over him, like he has just been slapped in the face. “I don’t know what to say.” He honestly doesn’t. He can’t say that he expected this was the reason why Howon had been acting weird.
The adrenaline Howon didn’t even know he had been channeling starts to ebb as Howon realizes that he has said all that he had needed to say. He shuffles around awkwardly, playing with his hands and his pockets for the sake of doing something. He bites on his lower lip and only asks one think of Sungjong. “So?”
-
Howon waits nervously for Sungjong’s answer.
But Sungjong doesn’t have an answer to give.
Because maybe Howon’s words have struck a chord in his heart, have set his cheeks aflame, has given life to butterflies in his stomach. It’s a strange reaction, he knows, but maybe it’s the fact that it’s Howon that has proclaimed his love for him. Howon, who he has always followed and has adored to the utmost hyung degree. Howon, who cares for him like no one else, who has always smiled at him and laughed at his jokes. Howon, who says he is in love with him.
Sungjong doesn’t know what to do or what to say or how to react.
So Sungjong practices his own caution.
(Because maybe, Sungjong is scared too.)
He does what Howon had done to him prior.
He unlocks the door and walks away.
-
He takes Sungjong walking away as rejection. It’s hard to take it as anything except for that. And he wonders why he can’t chase after him right now, try to apologize, try to win him over, why he can’t do anything right now.
Howon wants to do something- hit something or cry or anything. Except he can’t bring himself to move, can’t find it in himself to let his unshed tears fall, can’t do anything. So he just sits there, feeling his own heart break.
His practice in caution has failed him on both accounts- first for being too cautious and and then for not being cautious enough.
-
To be fair to Sungjong, it had been a rather unexpected turn of events.
But Howon has had his time to deal (several weeks, actually) and now it’s Sungjong’s turn.
He mirrors Howon’s own actions- and now it’s him that starts avoiding Howon like he’s the cause of all inner turmoil and suffering.
-
The first real slap in the face to Howon comes when they’re deciding dorming arrangements during their stay in Japan.
Normally, he stays with Sungjong. They are the roommate couple for a reason.
Sunggyu is doing his normal duty of assigning roommates, although it is more of a mandatory thing, as everyone already has their preferred roommate.
But just when Sunggyu announces that Howon and Sungjong will share-
“I can’t,” Sungjong interjects.
“And why can’t you?” Sunggyu asks, eyebrow raised. “You’ve never had a problem rooming with Howon before.” It’s true, he hasn’t.
“I just can’t,” Sungjong reiterates. His eyes are pleading and the leader feels suspicious, even as he feels his defenses weakening over Sungjong’s begging face.
Sunggyu is looking at Sungjong with narrowed eyes, wondering what has spurred on this change.
Howon feels the sense of rejection burning into him- but all he does is grit his teeth and say, “I’ll room with Dongwoo instead.”
He couldn’t have expected things to be perfectly normal; in truth, he had been wondering how rooming up would go and had been mentally preparing himself for an awkward as fuck night with Sungjong.
But he accepts Sungjong’s decision easily- it’s Sungjong’s turn to have space. He gets that, he really does.
Because in the end, Sungjong still matters more to him than he himself does.
-
Sungjong has proceeded to shake up the room assignments. He turns to the closest hyung towards him and asks, “Hyung, can I room with you?” He doesn’t care who it is, as long as it’s not Howon for the night. It’s Myungsoo.
Woohyun can only frown. He speaks up before Myungsoo can. “I’m taking the maknae today.” He needs to talk to their baby, one-on-one.
“But hyung, Sungjong never rooms with me,” Myungsoo protests. It’s clear that he wouldn’t mind their maknae as his roommate for the night.
“He normally doesn’t room with me either,” Woohyun retorts, looking at Howon and then giving Sungjong a heavy stare- the implication is as suffocating as it is obvious. Sungjong bites his lip.
“I’m rooming with Sungjong,” Woohyun reiterates.
“Then we can take the three-person room,” Myungsoo argues.
Woohyun grits his teeth but can’t find a reason to deny Myungsoo.
The rest of the members, minus Howon, are all looking at them with curiosity and suspicion. “What’s the problem here?” Woohyun hears Dongwoo ask this.
It’s Sungjong who answers. “Nothing.”
And that’s that.
-
It’s a quiet night; they’re all tired, eager to get some well deserved rest.
Myungsoo talks animatedly with Sungjong for a while once they enter the hotel room and start getting ready for bed, genuinely happy that he gets to share a room with Sungjong for once.
So they talk and talk while Woohyun thinks and thinks.
Woohyun thinks of all different ways to bring it up, but in the end, Myungsoo does it for him.
“Not that I mind, but why didn’t you want to room with Howon hyung?”
Sungjong freezes, breaking their steady flow of conversation. "Just felt like having a different roommate for once." Sungjong lies straiight through his teeth towards Myungsoo. And then he fakes a yawn, feigning sudden sleepiness. "I'm actually really tired, hyung. Lets all go to sleep now."
So they turn off the lights and go to sleep.
-
Woohyun waits until Myungsoo is sound asleep. (It doesn’t take long.)
“Sungjong,” he whispers. There is silence. “Sungjong ah,” he calls out once more.
“What, hyung?” Sungjong asks, sighing softly as he whispers back.
Woohyun knows that Sungjong isn’t in the mood for a lecture or anything of the sort. The best thing to tell him, probably, is a reminder of what he already knows. “He loves you, you know.” Maybe Sungjong just needs to hear it from someone else. Maybe hearing it from someone else would make it more believable, more solid, more acceptable.
Woohyun wouldn’t be surprised if Sungjong chose to never answer his statement.
There is silence for a long stress of a moment before Woohyun hears Sungjong’s soft voice again. “I know.”
“Right now, all you’re doing is hurting each other.” Maybe Sungjong needs to hear this too.
His voice is firm and probably a little more forceful than it has to be when he says, “I’ll handle it, hyung.”
Woohyun knows when a conversation is done; he doesn’t say anything more for the night.
“I don’t want to hurt him,” he hears Sungjong whisper softly.
And Woohyun thinks that things will work out just fine.
-
Sungjong stays up late thinking.
When he thinks of Howon, he thinks of warmth, of a best friend, of someone who always brings a smile to his face. He thinks of someone he respects, who he adores, who is a wonderful person in his life.
He thinks of how Howon loves him.
Honestly speaking, Sungjong loves Howon. In what way and how deep, he’s about to discover. There is so much potential with them, and he knows this now. He knows this when he thinks about every single time Howon has smiled at him just a little brighter and hugged him a little tighter. Those are thoughts that warm his cheeks and make him feel tingly inside.
Sungjong has always associated warmth and protection and care with Howon. Those feelings haven’t magically sprouted now that he knows Howon feels more.
But now Sungjong is open to the thought of them progressing their relationship further and for the first time in a long time, Sungjong is at a loss.
With those thoughts, he falls asleep for the first time overseas not sharing a room with Howon.
(Out of sight, but very much still in mind.)
-
It’s the next day and Howon can’t bring himself to talk to Sungjong.
Sungjong never answered him and that hinders him more than he would like to admit.
Likewise, Sungjong can’t bring himself to talk to Howon.
Not when he’s not ready to give an answer.
Days pass like this.
-
It takes five days of a frigid cold war for Woohyun to give up on Howon and Sungjong fixing their relationship themselves. So he decides to do something to help.
With that something being locking them into his own bedroom- with the help of a confused but willing Lee Sungyeol.
Woohyun can’t help the airy little chuckle that escapes while he barricades the door from the outside.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Sungjong’s bossy tone has come out and Woohyun’s glad he has already barricaded the door. Woohyun believes Sungjong can be quite vicious but he’s not in the mood to figure out just how vicious the maknae can be.
“If you two aren’t going to do anything about it, I will.” Neither Howon or Sungjong can actually see him, but a smug grin is obviously on Woohyun’s face.
“The both of you love me, right? Talk it out quickly so that I can sleep! Do it for me!” Woohyun shouts towards the door before sauntering away.
Woohyun’s not surprised when he hears a vicious snarl of, “I hate you,” in return- no doubt coming from Howon.
-
All they need is a good, one-on-one, heartfelt talk.
Woohyun believes this.
So he is giving them the time to have one.
-
Sungjong is standing there, looking calm and collected, while Howon-
Howon feels like he’s on fucking fire. He doesn’t know what to do; he’s tense in his shoulders and barely stomps down the urge to move around. He manages to calm himself eventually, watching Sungjong carefully, waiting for the younger’s reaction to all of this.
Sungjong looks a lot calmer than he actually feels. Maybe it's because it has been five days since he has talked to Howon. And maybe in those five days, he has come up with his own answer. Woohyun has just given him the chance to voice it.
As Howon watches carefully, he can’t help the words that leave his mouth. “You walked out on me.” This is not a remark made to spite Sungjong. It is simply said as a statement that both Howon and Sungjong know as truth.
“It’s your fault, you sprung it on me!” Sungjong decides to defend himself and protest.
Okay, so maybe Howon did spring it on the younger. But still.
“You still walked out,” Howon retorts. (He’s hurt, okay? Let him be bitter.)
“I didn’t know how to react, okay?” Sungjong huffs, cheeks red with both embarrassment and anger.
There’s a pause and then Howon picks up their conversation. “So have you had enough time to react yet?” Howon asks, almost sheepish.
Another pause and then Sungjong is looking at him in that deliberate way that makes Howon feel like he’s on fire. “Why don’t you find out?” The way Sungjong has phrased this almost sounds like he’s baiting him, like he is sassily demanding that Howon do all that he can to find out.
As to why he would demand such a thing-
The implication is obvious. “I’m not confessing again,” Howon deadpans.
They slip into their usual playful banter easily, like they haven’t been tense with each other for the past couple weeks.
This is it. The easiness of their relationship, their fluidness, the complete sense of naturality- this is what warms Howon to the core and keeps him up at night.
But Howon’s really set on not confessing again- once was already enough, he thinks. Except Sungjong is looking at him in the perfect way that just brings Howon to his knees and crumbles his entire existence. Eventually, he can only look at Sungjong pleadingly. “Do I really have to?”
“That would be nice,” Sungjong sniffs. The younger has crossed his arms and a foot is tapping in impatience- it’s clear that he’s expecting Howon to follow through. And it’s clear that Sungjong’s nervous too, with how he’s biting on his lower lip slightly and refuses to make proper eye contact.
And even now, when he looks at Sungjong, Howon can’t help but think of how well he’s fallen in love.
So he risks caution once more. “I love you,” he breathes out. He says these words in the same manner he had before- shamelessly direct and unhurried. He’s not scared anymore, not when it’s already out in the open. Sungjong can do what he wants with his heart, as long as their maknae knows he has it. (Although Howon does have his preferences- he would rather Sungjong keep his heart safe and protected rather than through it on the ground and break it. Alas, the choice is not his.)
Sungjong’s answer is slow and measured. “I know,” he sighs. “I can’t say I love you just as much as you love me- or even in the same way.” Well, Howon can’t say he’s surprised. But he also can’t say the words don’t hurt him any.
Sungjong continues. “But I do love you and I would love to make you happy and try with you.” This part is a little surprising, Howon admits. He opens his mouth to reply but Sungjong’s not done.
He thinks about the warmth and protection and the happy feelings Howon gives him, has always given him. Those thoughts are what make him continue. A little shyly, he adds, “And knowing you, you would probably make me really happy too.” He’s blushing but his eyes are bold and confident.
Howon suddenly finds it a little hard to breathe. “What are you saying?” Howon’s too skeptical to hope at this point. The underlying meaning is striking, even as Howon tries to tell himself not to get his hopes up.
If Sungjong were to think of anyone who he would be okay with dating within INFINITE, it would be Howon. ‘“I am saying-” Sungjong looks a little shy but otherwise determined. “I am saying that I would love to be your boyfriend.” That is as close to a return confession that Howon is going to get.
And Howon is completely, absolutely floored. He didn’t expect this. But of course- when do you expect the expected with Lee Sungjong?
He opens his mouth to talk but his voice catches in his throat and his breath hitches. His mind is peacefully blank, only bothering to acknowledge just one thing.
Sungjong is giving him a chance.
Lee Sungjong is giving him a chance.
The boy of his dreams, the love of his life, the reason behind a lot of emotional turmoil and wallowing- he’s standing in front of him, fidgeting on his toes. He is looking at Howon expectantly. Again, he mirrors own of Howon’s actions. “So?” he murmurs. “What do you say?”
Sungjong’s not the type to run into someone’s arms and profess his love- he’s honestly not. And Howon knows this, doesn’t except Sungjong to do anything close to the sort.
It’s not the ideal situation- Howon’s not even sure if Sungjong loves him in the same way or will ever.
But Sungjong walks up and he opens his arms for a hug and he’s smiling.
He is willing to try.
All of that is perfectly fine with Howon.
-
Eventually, Woohyun lets both Howon and Sungjong out of his room, forcing the same willing (albeit confused) bandmate to let out their temporary prisoners. He needs his room back.
Sungjong walks out of the room quickly, cheeks a fair pink. Woohyun resists the urge to ask about what has just transpired- he’s curious. It couldn’t be helped.
And then Howon walks out afterwards. When Howon shoulders past him, he gives him an appreciative pat on the back, and it makes Woohyun blink in confusion. Howon’s already walking past him though, staring straight ahead.
Woohyun watches Howon for a moment, noting the tender smile on Howon’s face- it’s a face he hasn’t seen in a long while. He’s missed it. It is a smile that warms him to the core. He has an inkling as to what has happened.
And when he follows Howon’s line of sight, he sees Sungjong walking away, strong and proud.
When Howon catches up in stride with Sungjong, only to throw a comfortable arm around the younger, Woohyun just knows.
-
If anyone were to ask Howon a couple months ago if he thought he would end up dating Lee Sungjong, he would laugh in their face and then go sulk in a corner over Lee Sungjong and his perfection and the unrequited love that is his love.
But if anyone were to ask him now, Howon would grin, pull Sungjong into his arms (and watch him roll his eyes) and then get the satisfaction of saying, “I’m already dating him”.
And if that conversation were to continue and that hypothetical person were to ask if he was happy with his relationship, Howon would be able to summarize in a few short reasons why he’s floating on fucking clouds because of his boyfriend.
One reason would be that his boyfriend is so beautiful it fucking hurts. Inside and out, his boyfriend is positively gorgeous. Granted, he has his flaws, but they’re imperfections that only work to highlight every other beautiful aspect of his strong personality and glorious self.
Another reason isn’t one that Howon would outright admit easily- but it is that his boyfriend makes him weak to his knees in the best way possible. With his strength, his confidence, his heart- his boyfriend does what no one else can. Because no one else can make Howon feel weak-kneed and wobbly and tingly like he can.
It is also a plus that he could probably start fires with what he feels for his boyfriend. He sets fire to his insides, after all. Although it might be more realistic to say that what he feels for his boyfriend could set him on fire. Whatever. They are both sound reasons to Howon. All it takes is a single touch, anyway.
But the most telling reason of all would simply be that his boyfriend is Lee Sungjong.
And that’s all the reason Howon needs.
-end.