The Storm Breaks (SCA plans, attitudes) - my sabatical
Burn out is such a difficult thing to talk about. It makes me feel like I’m giving up. On one hand, I so dearly want to lash out at some of the aspects of the SCA and Caid I've grown to despise. I could be pointed and bitter in some respects and regarding some people and situations (like the back biting, the abuses, the egos and so forth). I choose not to be. I do not wish to lose the measure of personal chivalry I've always tried to have and tried to show towards others. Could I keep trying to do more to change things in a positive manner? It’s not an easy, safe or simple question. How am I supposed to show enthusiasm about the things the SCA is supposed to stand for: chivalry, courtesy, honor and recreating the better aspects of the period, when I’m having trouble seeing them for myself?
We all know the adage that sometimes "the mind is willing, but the body will not follow." Is there a point where the body is willing, but the heart isn't?
How does one distill the memories, emotions, triumphs, heartaches and tragedies of a major part of your life experience into a few short paragraphs of mere words? That’s what I tried to do the first time I sat down to write this. The more I wrote the harder and more painful it became. In the end, I couldn’t (re)open more wounds to bleed upon my conscience or anyone else’s. I couldn’t do it.
Through all of the good and bad experience, I kept coming back, kept rebuilding and kept reacting to the changes. There were set backs, losses and so much pain. I've had my name drug through the mud, had a target painted on my person, and even received threats. Also it should be understood, I am not angry, fearful, or emotional. Unlike years past when I'd stepped away briefly to let bad situations pass by me or be resolved by others, this is very different. It was the realization that I was still only reacting to situations, either out of habit or need (personal or situational), that made me understand I needed a change. Put simply, I’m tired, broken and very disillusioned in matters involving the SCA.
This isn’t easy for me to confront. I am something of an idealist in terms of the Society. I’m not part of the authenticity police. I will never browbeat someone in terms of appearance, costume or making an honest effort at “getting it.” Even if I were superior in some activity, I refuse to flaunt it or hold it over anyone. For me, the important thing has always been the special manner in which we participated. Everyone contributed to the effort and basked in the success. I idolized the chivalric behavior, the courtesy, the attitude of helping/teaching the others around you and they in turn would help/teach likewise. No pretenses, no pettiness and no sense of superiority from those who were of higher station in the Society. It gave me a sense of hope and enthusiasm, that a person in the Society could better themselves according to their skills, their support and how they treated others. I’ve always tried to give back freely.
The question I face now is whether my perceptions of the SCA and Caid are accurate or fair. Are the massively inflated egos, the vengeful politics and the self-involvement, petty, spiteful behavior becoming the norm or exception? Something is wrong when it feels like volunteering for something or asking for volunteers is a game of chicken on a one lane bridge. It leaves me with merely more questions. I certainly don’t hold this view towards everyone or everything in the SCA or Caid. I’ve become so tired from the events, the demos, the duties, the disappointments and the broken hopes; that I genuinely don’t know if I could tell right now. My personal focus is messed up.
Like a person deprived of sleep for too long, I can’t think. As such, I’m going to finally take that much needed nap or naps and try to regain some rest and some needed perspective. How long this break lasts and to what degree of involvement I may have in the interim is a question mark even to me. As I’d noted before, I have committed to be at a few events still (Dun Or Anniversary for example) and will abide the commitments I’ve given. Until my hand is much better, I will not attend practices or try to teach. For now though, there’s just too much temptation to do something inherently stupid on my part. After the short term commitments are done, I don’t know when, where or if I’ll play again. After I heal, I may practice a bit but I honestly just don’t know.
Much as I’ll be questioned or criticized, this is how I feel. I’ve agonized over posting this for three days and rewritten it a dozen times. I felt so near to tears that I’ve nearly broken down and deleted this comment, wanting to pretend nothing’s wrong. Something is wrong. I need a break and to slow down and maybe correct it before its too far gone to even try.
We all know the adage that sometimes "the mind is willing, but the body will not follow." Is there a point where the body is willing, but the heart isn't?
How does one distill the memories, emotions, triumphs, heartaches and tragedies of a major part of your life experience into a few short paragraphs of mere words? That’s what I tried to do the first time I sat down to write this. The more I wrote the harder and more painful it became. In the end, I couldn’t (re)open more wounds to bleed upon my conscience or anyone else’s. I couldn’t do it.
Through all of the good and bad experience, I kept coming back, kept rebuilding and kept reacting to the changes. There were set backs, losses and so much pain. I've had my name drug through the mud, had a target painted on my person, and even received threats. Also it should be understood, I am not angry, fearful, or emotional. Unlike years past when I'd stepped away briefly to let bad situations pass by me or be resolved by others, this is very different. It was the realization that I was still only reacting to situations, either out of habit or need (personal or situational), that made me understand I needed a change. Put simply, I’m tired, broken and very disillusioned in matters involving the SCA.
This isn’t easy for me to confront. I am something of an idealist in terms of the Society. I’m not part of the authenticity police. I will never browbeat someone in terms of appearance, costume or making an honest effort at “getting it.” Even if I were superior in some activity, I refuse to flaunt it or hold it over anyone. For me, the important thing has always been the special manner in which we participated. Everyone contributed to the effort and basked in the success. I idolized the chivalric behavior, the courtesy, the attitude of helping/teaching the others around you and they in turn would help/teach likewise. No pretenses, no pettiness and no sense of superiority from those who were of higher station in the Society. It gave me a sense of hope and enthusiasm, that a person in the Society could better themselves according to their skills, their support and how they treated others. I’ve always tried to give back freely.
The question I face now is whether my perceptions of the SCA and Caid are accurate or fair. Are the massively inflated egos, the vengeful politics and the self-involvement, petty, spiteful behavior becoming the norm or exception? Something is wrong when it feels like volunteering for something or asking for volunteers is a game of chicken on a one lane bridge. It leaves me with merely more questions. I certainly don’t hold this view towards everyone or everything in the SCA or Caid. I’ve become so tired from the events, the demos, the duties, the disappointments and the broken hopes; that I genuinely don’t know if I could tell right now. My personal focus is messed up.
Like a person deprived of sleep for too long, I can’t think. As such, I’m going to finally take that much needed nap or naps and try to regain some rest and some needed perspective. How long this break lasts and to what degree of involvement I may have in the interim is a question mark even to me. As I’d noted before, I have committed to be at a few events still (Dun Or Anniversary for example) and will abide the commitments I’ve given. Until my hand is much better, I will not attend practices or try to teach. For now though, there’s just too much temptation to do something inherently stupid on my part. After the short term commitments are done, I don’t know when, where or if I’ll play again. After I heal, I may practice a bit but I honestly just don’t know.
Much as I’ll be questioned or criticized, this is how I feel. I’ve agonized over posting this for three days and rewritten it a dozen times. I felt so near to tears that I’ve nearly broken down and deleted this comment, wanting to pretend nothing’s wrong. Something is wrong. I need a break and to slow down and maybe correct it before its too far gone to even try.