Untitled #17
This was too surreal, even for me. Here I was, sitting with Carter in his apartment after he had been attacked for, presumably, being gay. Back in my old stomping grounds, pit in a battle I didn't know how to fight, let alone win. All I could do was watch him lay on the couch, eyes closed. What was this experience like for him? Humiliating, to be sure. And then to have me, the guy he punched not a day ago, be his lifeline. No one would ever believe this, even if I chose to tell them about it.
Which I wouldn't. Confidentiality and all.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask him. About Dan, about what happened today, what happened on Saturday, even Charlie. There were so many elephants in the room right now I was afraid of being trampled.
So I did the only thing I could do. I paced. Actually, it was more like walking in a circle around the couch, trying to put my thoughts in order. What was the right thing for me to do? Was in inappropriate to ask him anything about Dan? Why the hell was I imitating a NASCAR driver by going in a circle over and over again? Why?
Everytime I looked at Carter lying there, scared, embarrassed and helpless, my mind couldn’t help but go in a thousand different directions. My compassionate nature wanted to comfort him. My anger told me to pounce on him while he couldn’t defend himself. My logic made a case he got what he deserved. But Dan wouldn’t have wanted this. No, he wasn’t that kind of guy. He would want the compassion to win out, to side with the angels.
I rounded the couch for what seemed to be the millionth time. As I was lost in thought, his hand grabbed my arm, stopping me in my tracks.
“Can you stop. Please? You’re making me dizzy,” he said, his once strong voice reduced to almost a whisper. I looked down at him, ready to respond with a smart ass comment…or to keep going and let him puke on himself. But I couldn’t. That would be the vengeful thing to do.
“Yeah. Sure.” I sat back down on the edge of the coffee table, simply watching him. His breathing was steady, if a bit shallow. I watched his chest move up and down. He seemed to be in pain-naturally-with every movement, no matter how small it might be. Carter’s eyes closed and then opened slowly. He was fighting to stay awake. What little I knew of concussions told me he couldn’t sleep. I had to engage his brain.
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, the words escaping my mouth before my brain could shut them down. Carter’s head turned toward me, his eyes filling with tears. “Dan, I mean. Why’d you…do…why?” That one word-the one I needed to be able to say-I couldn’t. I thought it. I said it in my head. I had said it previously. I needed to be comfortable with talking about it. But dammit! My mouth wouldn’t form the word.
Tears trickled down his cheek, landing on the couch with nary a sound. He wasn’t sniffling or downright sobbing. Just letting the emotion leak out of him any way it could.
“You have to believe me. I loved Dan. I never wanted to hurt him.”
Yeah, and the world is flat.
“Bullshit. You knew what you were doing.” Sure, some of that was conjecture, but how could someone not know what they were doing?
Somehow, I was keeping a level tone this far into the conversation. I had half expected to go ape shit on Carter’s ass to pay him back. But looking at him, I had more sympathy for him than anything else. Sympathy because he finally got what he had been dishing out. Well, almost.
“God, I don’t believe I’m going to tell you this,” he said as his hand wiped away the tears. What was he going to tell me? How Dan was a good fuck? Or how much he enjoyed raping him.
God. I knew what the word meant. I knew the acts it involved. I knew the key players. But this man so helpless in front of me had repeatedly raped someone I cared about. Someone I could see building my life with. Someone I loved. I blinked a dozen times or more to vanquish the looming tears in my eyes. No, I needed to be strong right now.
“Do you know why I left your place on Saturday?” His right hand laid gingerly across his stomach and touched a place on his side. Wincing, the hand was removed almost immediately.
“I was so horny for you, I couldn’t stop from…you know…before we did anything. That’s why I’ve never had a real relationship. The minute it happens everyone fucking runs away from me. Like I’m the goddamn monster! I can’t control it, Aaron!”
I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing in his face and exacerbating the situation. Seriously, he shot his wad way too early? THAT was the big secret behind the drama of the last two days?
“Everyone expects me to be this sex god…and that’s not me. All I want is someone to love me and not expect anything and go slow. No one loves me, Aaron. They see this person and assume I’m something I’m not.”
I had to bite.
“So what are you?”
“Fuck…scared. Lonely. Insecure. Embarassed. Do you know how hard it is to be what you’re not?”
“Yeah, I have an idea right about now.” He looked at me and understood.
“When Dan and I had sex…when I did…what I did…” even he couldn’t say it, “I wanted to be with someone so bad I didn’t care how bad it hurt. I tried all sorts of medication. It never helped. I tried jerking off so I was less sensitive. I tried using more than one condom. I tried being with guys I didn’t find attractive. I tried alcohol. Nothing helped.
“He made me feel good. And I’m an asshole.”
Well, he said it, not me. And who was I to argue with the asshole?
“Did you even try to talk to Dan about it? Or any of those other guys?” I asked.
He let out a small laugh.
“You think any of them would have cared?” Suddenly, he was belligerent, defensive, argumentative.
“If you had given them a chance instead of raping them, maybe they would have.”
Shit. I had said it. The look on Carter’s face told me the accusation hurt him. Deeply. Good, my inner voice told me. Now he can see how much he had hurt Dan and whoever else he had raped.
“That’s not fair,” Carter squeaked out. Now it was my turn to laugh.
“Yeah, it’s not fair you fucked Dan so bad he ran away from me the first time. It’s not fair you have this heavy cross to bear. Poor fucking Carter.”
I had to reign myself in now. That was too much, especially now.
“You don’t know the first thing about me. But how could you? All you wanted was to fuck. And that’s all you want Dan for, isn’t it? Fuck him and leave him?”
If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand.
God, that would be so easy, wouldn’t it? To solve the problem with violence, like a Klingon. To assert my masculinity. To give Carter a dose of what he gave to me yesterday. I was tempted-believe me I was tempted-to start to wail on him right here, letting go of all my aggression, my own hurt.
My fist balled up, clenching, ready to attack. Breathing quickened, pulse began to race. Who the fuck was he to accuse me of only being after sex? Why did that accusation hurt me that much when I knew it wasn’t true? Hell, that had never been true in my entire life.
I stood up. I don’t know why. I just did. Maybe I wanted to appear more imposing than I had before. Maybe I wanted him to see I was angry. Maybe I wanted gravity on my side when my fists started flying.
“Fuck you, Carter. Fuck. You.” I walked over to the window overlooking the courtyard, folded my arms and just stared. So many people without a care in the world and I was sitting here, with him, when I should have been with Dan. We should be eating pizza hanging out on the couch, watching TV. Maybe getting a little frisky. I shouldn’t be stuck in this room in this situation with this person.
The door opened without even a knock. Odelia came in, followed by Drake, Zeary and the doc. She glanced in my direction and then put her attention on Carter. If I didn’t know better, she had been expecting to find us fighting or something.
“Carter, sugar, you’re going to the hospital with Doctor Cootle. Captain Drake is going to take a further statement from you there, alright?” she said, calm, cool and collected.
“Yeah, alright,” Carter said in his best masculine voice as he tried to pull himself up off the couch. Odelia scurried over to him, putting her hand on his arm.
“We have an ambulance coming for you with a stretcher. Don’t want you walking around when you don’t need to, now do we?” God, why not go ahead and suck his dick for him, Odelia, I thought. You’re treating him like a fucking baby.
He laid back down without an argument.
“Aaron, why don’t you go on home? We’ll write our report up first thing in the morning.” That wasn’t a request. It was an order.
Under other circumstances, I would have said something to Carter, but there was nothing left to say. At least, nothing our new visitors wanted to hear. I nodded at Odelia, shook Drake’s hand again, stared Zeary in the eye for a moment and left.
On the way out the door of the building, I tried to place what Carter said in context. What did he mean all I wanted Dan for was sex? Did he know something about my past I didn’t? Hell, even if he somehow knew about what’s-his-face from the other night, that was only a blowjob, no fucking. It’s not like I was promiscuous at school. Just the opposite, actually. My dick was raw more often than not during those four years.
Yeah, I was very interested in sex with Dan, no doubt about it. ‘Interested’ may even be the wrong word. I wanted him, to spend as long as it took to show him a guy could be gentle and loving and cautious, all the things Carter wasn’t. If it happened tonight, next week, next month or next year, I would wait.
And probably rub myself raw again.
Which I wouldn't. Confidentiality and all.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask him. About Dan, about what happened today, what happened on Saturday, even Charlie. There were so many elephants in the room right now I was afraid of being trampled.
So I did the only thing I could do. I paced. Actually, it was more like walking in a circle around the couch, trying to put my thoughts in order. What was the right thing for me to do? Was in inappropriate to ask him anything about Dan? Why the hell was I imitating a NASCAR driver by going in a circle over and over again? Why?
Everytime I looked at Carter lying there, scared, embarrassed and helpless, my mind couldn’t help but go in a thousand different directions. My compassionate nature wanted to comfort him. My anger told me to pounce on him while he couldn’t defend himself. My logic made a case he got what he deserved. But Dan wouldn’t have wanted this. No, he wasn’t that kind of guy. He would want the compassion to win out, to side with the angels.
I rounded the couch for what seemed to be the millionth time. As I was lost in thought, his hand grabbed my arm, stopping me in my tracks.
“Can you stop. Please? You’re making me dizzy,” he said, his once strong voice reduced to almost a whisper. I looked down at him, ready to respond with a smart ass comment…or to keep going and let him puke on himself. But I couldn’t. That would be the vengeful thing to do.
“Yeah. Sure.” I sat back down on the edge of the coffee table, simply watching him. His breathing was steady, if a bit shallow. I watched his chest move up and down. He seemed to be in pain-naturally-with every movement, no matter how small it might be. Carter’s eyes closed and then opened slowly. He was fighting to stay awake. What little I knew of concussions told me he couldn’t sleep. I had to engage his brain.
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, the words escaping my mouth before my brain could shut them down. Carter’s head turned toward me, his eyes filling with tears. “Dan, I mean. Why’d you…do…why?” That one word-the one I needed to be able to say-I couldn’t. I thought it. I said it in my head. I had said it previously. I needed to be comfortable with talking about it. But dammit! My mouth wouldn’t form the word.
Tears trickled down his cheek, landing on the couch with nary a sound. He wasn’t sniffling or downright sobbing. Just letting the emotion leak out of him any way it could.
“You have to believe me. I loved Dan. I never wanted to hurt him.”
Yeah, and the world is flat.
“Bullshit. You knew what you were doing.” Sure, some of that was conjecture, but how could someone not know what they were doing?
Somehow, I was keeping a level tone this far into the conversation. I had half expected to go ape shit on Carter’s ass to pay him back. But looking at him, I had more sympathy for him than anything else. Sympathy because he finally got what he had been dishing out. Well, almost.
“God, I don’t believe I’m going to tell you this,” he said as his hand wiped away the tears. What was he going to tell me? How Dan was a good fuck? Or how much he enjoyed raping him.
God. I knew what the word meant. I knew the acts it involved. I knew the key players. But this man so helpless in front of me had repeatedly raped someone I cared about. Someone I could see building my life with. Someone I loved. I blinked a dozen times or more to vanquish the looming tears in my eyes. No, I needed to be strong right now.
“Do you know why I left your place on Saturday?” His right hand laid gingerly across his stomach and touched a place on his side. Wincing, the hand was removed almost immediately.
“I was so horny for you, I couldn’t stop from…you know…before we did anything. That’s why I’ve never had a real relationship. The minute it happens everyone fucking runs away from me. Like I’m the goddamn monster! I can’t control it, Aaron!”
I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing in his face and exacerbating the situation. Seriously, he shot his wad way too early? THAT was the big secret behind the drama of the last two days?
“Everyone expects me to be this sex god…and that’s not me. All I want is someone to love me and not expect anything and go slow. No one loves me, Aaron. They see this person and assume I’m something I’m not.”
I had to bite.
“So what are you?”
“Fuck…scared. Lonely. Insecure. Embarassed. Do you know how hard it is to be what you’re not?”
“Yeah, I have an idea right about now.” He looked at me and understood.
“When Dan and I had sex…when I did…what I did…” even he couldn’t say it, “I wanted to be with someone so bad I didn’t care how bad it hurt. I tried all sorts of medication. It never helped. I tried jerking off so I was less sensitive. I tried using more than one condom. I tried being with guys I didn’t find attractive. I tried alcohol. Nothing helped.
“He made me feel good. And I’m an asshole.”
Well, he said it, not me. And who was I to argue with the asshole?
“Did you even try to talk to Dan about it? Or any of those other guys?” I asked.
He let out a small laugh.
“You think any of them would have cared?” Suddenly, he was belligerent, defensive, argumentative.
“If you had given them a chance instead of raping them, maybe they would have.”
Shit. I had said it. The look on Carter’s face told me the accusation hurt him. Deeply. Good, my inner voice told me. Now he can see how much he had hurt Dan and whoever else he had raped.
“That’s not fair,” Carter squeaked out. Now it was my turn to laugh.
“Yeah, it’s not fair you fucked Dan so bad he ran away from me the first time. It’s not fair you have this heavy cross to bear. Poor fucking Carter.”
I had to reign myself in now. That was too much, especially now.
“You don’t know the first thing about me. But how could you? All you wanted was to fuck. And that’s all you want Dan for, isn’t it? Fuck him and leave him?”
If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand.
God, that would be so easy, wouldn’t it? To solve the problem with violence, like a Klingon. To assert my masculinity. To give Carter a dose of what he gave to me yesterday. I was tempted-believe me I was tempted-to start to wail on him right here, letting go of all my aggression, my own hurt.
My fist balled up, clenching, ready to attack. Breathing quickened, pulse began to race. Who the fuck was he to accuse me of only being after sex? Why did that accusation hurt me that much when I knew it wasn’t true? Hell, that had never been true in my entire life.
I stood up. I don’t know why. I just did. Maybe I wanted to appear more imposing than I had before. Maybe I wanted him to see I was angry. Maybe I wanted gravity on my side when my fists started flying.
“Fuck you, Carter. Fuck. You.” I walked over to the window overlooking the courtyard, folded my arms and just stared. So many people without a care in the world and I was sitting here, with him, when I should have been with Dan. We should be eating pizza hanging out on the couch, watching TV. Maybe getting a little frisky. I shouldn’t be stuck in this room in this situation with this person.
The door opened without even a knock. Odelia came in, followed by Drake, Zeary and the doc. She glanced in my direction and then put her attention on Carter. If I didn’t know better, she had been expecting to find us fighting or something.
“Carter, sugar, you’re going to the hospital with Doctor Cootle. Captain Drake is going to take a further statement from you there, alright?” she said, calm, cool and collected.
“Yeah, alright,” Carter said in his best masculine voice as he tried to pull himself up off the couch. Odelia scurried over to him, putting her hand on his arm.
“We have an ambulance coming for you with a stretcher. Don’t want you walking around when you don’t need to, now do we?” God, why not go ahead and suck his dick for him, Odelia, I thought. You’re treating him like a fucking baby.
He laid back down without an argument.
“Aaron, why don’t you go on home? We’ll write our report up first thing in the morning.” That wasn’t a request. It was an order.
Under other circumstances, I would have said something to Carter, but there was nothing left to say. At least, nothing our new visitors wanted to hear. I nodded at Odelia, shook Drake’s hand again, stared Zeary in the eye for a moment and left.
On the way out the door of the building, I tried to place what Carter said in context. What did he mean all I wanted Dan for was sex? Did he know something about my past I didn’t? Hell, even if he somehow knew about what’s-his-face from the other night, that was only a blowjob, no fucking. It’s not like I was promiscuous at school. Just the opposite, actually. My dick was raw more often than not during those four years.
Yeah, I was very interested in sex with Dan, no doubt about it. ‘Interested’ may even be the wrong word. I wanted him, to spend as long as it took to show him a guy could be gentle and loving and cautious, all the things Carter wasn’t. If it happened tonight, next week, next month or next year, I would wait.
And probably rub myself raw again.