Being Creative: Part XIII
More goodness.
"Aaron!" a voice shouted at me from behind. Odelia and I were about to walk into Pinky's, a dark slightly-bigger-than-a-hole-in-the-wall "restuarant" across the street from campus, nestled between a bookstore and a pharmacy. It really wasn't what anyone would call a proper restuarant; the minute the door opened, I could hear boisterous music and a raucous crowd inside. THIS is the place we were having lunch? You've got to be shitting me.
I stopped dead in my tracks, Odelia halfway inside the building, to look over my shoulder. By the voice, I knew it was Dan. It had to be Dan. The minute I laid eyes on him, I sighed, letting go of whatever issues Carter had brought up. The guy who said he loved me not more than three hours ago was slowly jogging/walking quickly toward us, khaki bag over one shoulder, the strap outlining his perfect chest. Even under the dress shirt and tie, I could see-or at least I imagined I could see-the outline of each pec.
A smile spread across my face. Dan was full of life, bouncy, alive. This is the way I wanted to always remember him: without a care in the world.
"That's one damn fine boy you're shagging! mmmmHmmmmm!" Odelia opined, louder than I would have liked, considering the people walking around on the street. Not that I gave one flying fuck if they knew I was gay-obviously-I just didn't want to give her the wrong idea.
"We haven't actually...you know..." I said, tearing my eyes away from Dan to look at her. She squinted at me, turning her head sideways, staring at me through one half open eye.
"I don't believe for a second, honey bunch, you and that hunka hunka man love haven't gotten it on yet!" Odelia giggled. To be perfectly fair, she knew about everything that happened yesterday. And when I say everything, I mean...everything. Thank god Dan finally caught up to us; I couldn't have this conversation with her right now.
"Hey!" he said prior to leaning over and kissing me on the cheek. My cheeks burned for a split second, never having been kissed by a guy in public before. I grinned what had to be a dopey grin, losing myself in the moment.
Apparently, I lost myself entirely too much. Dan extended his hand to Odelia.
"I'm Dan. And you're Odelia, right?" he said. Gracious even when I couldn't put two words together. Another reason I loved this man.
My mind froze. What did it just say? That I loved Dan? My smile disappeared, my eyes stared beyond both of them. I couldn't think, there was nothing there. Love? Was it a by product of him saying it first this morning? Did I even know what I was getting myself into? It wasn't just him and me to take into consideration. There was Ethan and the ex and the fact we didn't know each other two days ago.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Aaron Dunlap! You're not getting any of that boy booty out here on the street!" God, her mouth knew no bounds. Maybe this was a bad idea.
Before I had another thought, she pulled me by the arm into Pinky's. My first impression was of loudness. Good lord, how did anyone expect to hear the conversation with the radio blasting whatever cock-a-mayme dance crap it spewed... Without warning, the place went quiet. I looked around; Odelia was yucking it up with an older white guy in a Hawaiian shirt behind the bar. She pointed at me and to Dan. They laughed again. Dan looked at me, raised his eyebrows.
"Hey, don't look at me. This was her idea," I reminded him. I looked around the place myself, given the chance. Pinky's was no bigger than Cheesy's. Rainbow flags and TV sets lined the four walls. It was smokey inside, but not extraordinarily so. Tables dotted the floor-maybe four of them-all empty right now. The lighting was low, giving the place an odd welcome and unwelcome feel at the same time.
Odelia crossed back to us with Lawrence in tow. Dan grabbed my hand, not out of fear, but as if to claim me as his property. I sideways glanced at him. The bastard was smiling. I squeezed his hand; he squeezed back. Yup, he was happy.
"So you must be Aaron," Lawrence said as he gave me the once over. What was there to say? I'm sure Odelia had told him my entire life story already.
"I always though you'd be taller. But Dan was right: you're definitely a looker." For the second time in five minutes, I blushed. I wasn't used to someone calling me good looking (or any of other synonyms). To know Dan mentioned it to Lawrence who then mentioned it to me...oh, never mind.
"Are you two fags going to stand there looking at me or is someone going to give me a hug?" Dan immediately let go of my hand and embraced Lawrence like an old friend. The man never took his eyes off me, though. It was as if he was reading me, trying to figure out how to approach without getting himself into trouble. Was I really that stand offish? That intimidating? I hoped not. Shit, everyone I knew would tell you I was anything but. I might have looked serious, but underneath there's a child just waiting to break through.
They let go; Dan returned to my side. Lawrence pursed his worn lips.
"You're not one of those queers who won't admit he sucks cock, are you? Cuz lemme tell you, Dan and Ethan deserve someone with the balls to be gay..."
Dan cut Lawrence off.
"Quit it, Larry. Aaron isn't like Nelson. He just gets tongue tied when he meets someone new. Right, babe?" Dan was sticking up for me. He called me babe. Kissed me on the street. Took my hand. Told me he loved me. Did he have a wedding ring in his bag for me, too?
"Aaron. I'm Aaron. But then you already knew that. And I've been out for quite a while now...with balls big enough to do just about anything." I stuck my hand out as a truce.
"Yeah, Dan told me you have big balls!" I think we both blushed in unison. Odelia laughed. Lawrence grabbed my hand and pulled me into his body. There was a smell of coconut and...sun tan lotion? That couldn't be right. Something else...
"What'll you all have? Danny, Flaming Queen?" A simple nod.
"Lar, you have my standing order!" Odelia chimed in.
All eyes turned to me.
"Just a water with some lemon." You would have thought I was wanting to drink from the toilet by the looks I got. Odelia burst out laughing first. Lawrence followed suit. Dan held it in as long as he could, but eventually succumbed too. He laughed so hard he had to rest his head on my shoulder as the tears came out of his eyes. When he finally looked up at me, his face was bright red.
"What, don't drink alcohol either?" Larry managed to get out before backtracking to the bar and a stool to sit down on. I really didn't think it was that funny, if you must know the truth. We were going back to work, so I didn't think alcohol...
"Aaron'll have the special, Larry," Dan mentioned as the three of us sat down at the closest table. What the fuck was the special? And, more impotantly, should I be scared?
When we sat down, Dan looked at me with all deliberate seriousness. He studied my eye-the one Carter had hit yesterday.
"Does it still hurt?" he asked, gently touching it with his fingers. They were cool, almost cold. And they felt good running over my skin.
"A bit, but not much. I can block it out most of the time." I lied. If I focused my attention on something else, I could block it out. Nine times out of ten, I couldn't, though. Just like I was having a hard time blocking out the thoughts of what I wanted to do to Dan right here and right now. It had been a long time since Saturday night not getting off...
"How's your first day going?" my new boyfriend-I guess-asked. Raising my eyebrows, I looked at Odelia. How did I answer this one?
"He's learning. Bout as fast as I could expect. And he's one hell of an interviewer. We had this one guy come in this morning..." Odelia caught herself before she said anything else. I glared at her, imploring her mouth to stop right there.
I didn't want to think about Carter. I didn't want to hear the name Carter. None of it. Just once, let this be about Dan and me.
"...but that doesn't matter. What is important is you two." Her face broke into a broad grin, as if fishing for information.
I didn't know what to say and I doubt Dan did, either. Whatever info she wanted, I couldn't give her.
"My son loves Aaron. He had a good time yesterday at dinner."
"Oh Danny, I always told Aaron he'd be a good daddy...if he ever had kids...or married someone with a little one...if he wanted to..." She trailed off, having stepped into a massive landmine. Yeah, I did want to get married, but it was far, far too premature to even think about it now. Maybe in a year or two when everything was settled and we could make sure we wouldn't kill each other. He'd have to meet my sister, I'd have to meet his family, moving in together...I wasn't ready for it.
"One of these days I'm going to get married. To a guy this time, even," he started, snickering. He continued, as if I weren't there.
"Aaron's exactly the kind of guy I want. Sensitive, masculine, honest, good cook, insanely hot body, able to put up with my shenanigans." With the last mention, he put his arm around my shoulder, playing with the back of my head. Stroking my scalp, running his fingers through the short hair. Caressing the sides of my ears. He knew what he was doing. My cock began to inflate little by little in my pants. This was going to be embarassing really quickly.
Lawrence brought the drinks before anything else could be said. He even pulled up a chair, inviting himself into the conversation. Dan's Flaming Queen was a hurricane glass filled with a pink concotion. Odelia had...something...blue. And my special? It was foaming at the top, with mist running down the glass on all sides. The liquid appeared purple-maybe-but I wasn't entirely sure.
"Danny, is he the one?" My hand rested on my glass at those words. What the hell was this? A set up? To see how much I liked Dan? Or to get me to say something I wasn't prepared to say? Like I wanted to marry him right now and make beautiful babies together, biology be damned?
"He might be. We've got some stuff to work out first..."
"Like the sex?" Lawrence asked.
Alright, enough was enough.
I looked at Lawrence, grabbing Dan's hand and holding it firmly in mine.
"Lawrence, Odelia...I don't know what you're thinking or what Dan might have told you, but I'm not ready to jump into another relationship right now. My last one didn't turn out well. Do I want to get married? Absolutely. But am I going to dive right into it because I can? No. Do I like Dan? You'd better believe it. Will I ever hurt him or give him any reason to doubt me? Nope. Is it even possible I love him? Yeah. I have for a long long time. He's sweet and gorgeous and everything I could want in a husband. But not right now. I can't right now. Alright?"
My mouth started running faster than my brain could process. This was dangerous.
"It's not just about the two of us. It's about Ethan, too. What's best for him. How he'll react to having me, potentially, in his life full time. It's about committing to one person for the rest of my life in every way. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, so please stop pushing and nagging and asking. Please."
I was like a train barreling down the track without a brake.
"Did I want to jump all over Dan and fuck all night long yesterday? Of course I did. Who wouldn't want a body like his to play with? Do I want to take him home and kiss his lips until they're parched? God, yes. Shit, he saw my hard on this morning when he dropped some clothes off. But know what? Sex isn't my first priority. Never has been. I'm much more interested in the person than what they have between their legs. And the potential for a relationship not predicated on sex."
I looked to Dan.
"That's not to say I don't find you unsatiably attractive. You are gorgeous to me and I think you can do 100 times better than me, too. I've got a fucking hard on right now just being next to you, Dan. But that's not the only thing I want you for. I'm not that kind of guy. Not like...never mind."
The tears began to well up in my eyes. I don't know why for sure, they just started to appear. No one said anything. I couldn't hold them back any more. I excused myself from the table and walked as fast as I could to the bathroom. Or what I hoped was the bathroom.
I leaned against the sink as the door closed behind me. God, I had just said entirely too much to the wrong people. Dan was never going to want to see me ever again, my brain told itself. I had just committed another fuck up in a world of fuck ups. With my hands clenched in fists, I pushed them into my eyes, to hell with the pain and the hurt. Fuck it all.
Arms embraced me. They held me tight. I rested my head on whatever was there. At this point, I couldn't care less if it was Odelia, Lawrence or a Smurf. Someone was holding me.
"Hey, I love you, alright? I love the way you held me last night. I love the way you stopped yesterday when I needed you to. I love the way you stand up for yourself. I love that you'll wait for me and that you're not pressuring me and how Ethan factors into your decision making. Larry is just being protective. He knows all about Carter. He wants to make sure you're not a world class fuckwit like he is. And I want to get married too, but I'm not ready, either. Let's just take it slow and see where we end up, alright?"
I slid my hands away from my eyes and hugged Dan with as much force as I could, without hurting him.
"I love you," I whispered into his ear.
"Aaron!" a voice shouted at me from behind. Odelia and I were about to walk into Pinky's, a dark slightly-bigger-than-a-hole-in-the-wall "restuarant" across the street from campus, nestled between a bookstore and a pharmacy. It really wasn't what anyone would call a proper restuarant; the minute the door opened, I could hear boisterous music and a raucous crowd inside. THIS is the place we were having lunch? You've got to be shitting me.
I stopped dead in my tracks, Odelia halfway inside the building, to look over my shoulder. By the voice, I knew it was Dan. It had to be Dan. The minute I laid eyes on him, I sighed, letting go of whatever issues Carter had brought up. The guy who said he loved me not more than three hours ago was slowly jogging/walking quickly toward us, khaki bag over one shoulder, the strap outlining his perfect chest. Even under the dress shirt and tie, I could see-or at least I imagined I could see-the outline of each pec.
A smile spread across my face. Dan was full of life, bouncy, alive. This is the way I wanted to always remember him: without a care in the world.
"That's one damn fine boy you're shagging! mmmmHmmmmm!" Odelia opined, louder than I would have liked, considering the people walking around on the street. Not that I gave one flying fuck if they knew I was gay-obviously-I just didn't want to give her the wrong idea.
"We haven't actually...you know..." I said, tearing my eyes away from Dan to look at her. She squinted at me, turning her head sideways, staring at me through one half open eye.
"I don't believe for a second, honey bunch, you and that hunka hunka man love haven't gotten it on yet!" Odelia giggled. To be perfectly fair, she knew about everything that happened yesterday. And when I say everything, I mean...everything. Thank god Dan finally caught up to us; I couldn't have this conversation with her right now.
"Hey!" he said prior to leaning over and kissing me on the cheek. My cheeks burned for a split second, never having been kissed by a guy in public before. I grinned what had to be a dopey grin, losing myself in the moment.
Apparently, I lost myself entirely too much. Dan extended his hand to Odelia.
"I'm Dan. And you're Odelia, right?" he said. Gracious even when I couldn't put two words together. Another reason I loved this man.
My mind froze. What did it just say? That I loved Dan? My smile disappeared, my eyes stared beyond both of them. I couldn't think, there was nothing there. Love? Was it a by product of him saying it first this morning? Did I even know what I was getting myself into? It wasn't just him and me to take into consideration. There was Ethan and the ex and the fact we didn't know each other two days ago.
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Aaron Dunlap! You're not getting any of that boy booty out here on the street!" God, her mouth knew no bounds. Maybe this was a bad idea.
Before I had another thought, she pulled me by the arm into Pinky's. My first impression was of loudness. Good lord, how did anyone expect to hear the conversation with the radio blasting whatever cock-a-mayme dance crap it spewed... Without warning, the place went quiet. I looked around; Odelia was yucking it up with an older white guy in a Hawaiian shirt behind the bar. She pointed at me and to Dan. They laughed again. Dan looked at me, raised his eyebrows.
"Hey, don't look at me. This was her idea," I reminded him. I looked around the place myself, given the chance. Pinky's was no bigger than Cheesy's. Rainbow flags and TV sets lined the four walls. It was smokey inside, but not extraordinarily so. Tables dotted the floor-maybe four of them-all empty right now. The lighting was low, giving the place an odd welcome and unwelcome feel at the same time.
Odelia crossed back to us with Lawrence in tow. Dan grabbed my hand, not out of fear, but as if to claim me as his property. I sideways glanced at him. The bastard was smiling. I squeezed his hand; he squeezed back. Yup, he was happy.
"So you must be Aaron," Lawrence said as he gave me the once over. What was there to say? I'm sure Odelia had told him my entire life story already.
"I always though you'd be taller. But Dan was right: you're definitely a looker." For the second time in five minutes, I blushed. I wasn't used to someone calling me good looking (or any of other synonyms). To know Dan mentioned it to Lawrence who then mentioned it to me...oh, never mind.
"Are you two fags going to stand there looking at me or is someone going to give me a hug?" Dan immediately let go of my hand and embraced Lawrence like an old friend. The man never took his eyes off me, though. It was as if he was reading me, trying to figure out how to approach without getting himself into trouble. Was I really that stand offish? That intimidating? I hoped not. Shit, everyone I knew would tell you I was anything but. I might have looked serious, but underneath there's a child just waiting to break through.
They let go; Dan returned to my side. Lawrence pursed his worn lips.
"You're not one of those queers who won't admit he sucks cock, are you? Cuz lemme tell you, Dan and Ethan deserve someone with the balls to be gay..."
Dan cut Lawrence off.
"Quit it, Larry. Aaron isn't like Nelson. He just gets tongue tied when he meets someone new. Right, babe?" Dan was sticking up for me. He called me babe. Kissed me on the street. Took my hand. Told me he loved me. Did he have a wedding ring in his bag for me, too?
"Aaron. I'm Aaron. But then you already knew that. And I've been out for quite a while now...with balls big enough to do just about anything." I stuck my hand out as a truce.
"Yeah, Dan told me you have big balls!" I think we both blushed in unison. Odelia laughed. Lawrence grabbed my hand and pulled me into his body. There was a smell of coconut and...sun tan lotion? That couldn't be right. Something else...
"What'll you all have? Danny, Flaming Queen?" A simple nod.
"Lar, you have my standing order!" Odelia chimed in.
All eyes turned to me.
"Just a water with some lemon." You would have thought I was wanting to drink from the toilet by the looks I got. Odelia burst out laughing first. Lawrence followed suit. Dan held it in as long as he could, but eventually succumbed too. He laughed so hard he had to rest his head on my shoulder as the tears came out of his eyes. When he finally looked up at me, his face was bright red.
"What, don't drink alcohol either?" Larry managed to get out before backtracking to the bar and a stool to sit down on. I really didn't think it was that funny, if you must know the truth. We were going back to work, so I didn't think alcohol...
"Aaron'll have the special, Larry," Dan mentioned as the three of us sat down at the closest table. What the fuck was the special? And, more impotantly, should I be scared?
When we sat down, Dan looked at me with all deliberate seriousness. He studied my eye-the one Carter had hit yesterday.
"Does it still hurt?" he asked, gently touching it with his fingers. They were cool, almost cold. And they felt good running over my skin.
"A bit, but not much. I can block it out most of the time." I lied. If I focused my attention on something else, I could block it out. Nine times out of ten, I couldn't, though. Just like I was having a hard time blocking out the thoughts of what I wanted to do to Dan right here and right now. It had been a long time since Saturday night not getting off...
"How's your first day going?" my new boyfriend-I guess-asked. Raising my eyebrows, I looked at Odelia. How did I answer this one?
"He's learning. Bout as fast as I could expect. And he's one hell of an interviewer. We had this one guy come in this morning..." Odelia caught herself before she said anything else. I glared at her, imploring her mouth to stop right there.
I didn't want to think about Carter. I didn't want to hear the name Carter. None of it. Just once, let this be about Dan and me.
"...but that doesn't matter. What is important is you two." Her face broke into a broad grin, as if fishing for information.
I didn't know what to say and I doubt Dan did, either. Whatever info she wanted, I couldn't give her.
"My son loves Aaron. He had a good time yesterday at dinner."
"Oh Danny, I always told Aaron he'd be a good daddy...if he ever had kids...or married someone with a little one...if he wanted to..." She trailed off, having stepped into a massive landmine. Yeah, I did want to get married, but it was far, far too premature to even think about it now. Maybe in a year or two when everything was settled and we could make sure we wouldn't kill each other. He'd have to meet my sister, I'd have to meet his family, moving in together...I wasn't ready for it.
"One of these days I'm going to get married. To a guy this time, even," he started, snickering. He continued, as if I weren't there.
"Aaron's exactly the kind of guy I want. Sensitive, masculine, honest, good cook, insanely hot body, able to put up with my shenanigans." With the last mention, he put his arm around my shoulder, playing with the back of my head. Stroking my scalp, running his fingers through the short hair. Caressing the sides of my ears. He knew what he was doing. My cock began to inflate little by little in my pants. This was going to be embarassing really quickly.
Lawrence brought the drinks before anything else could be said. He even pulled up a chair, inviting himself into the conversation. Dan's Flaming Queen was a hurricane glass filled with a pink concotion. Odelia had...something...blue. And my special? It was foaming at the top, with mist running down the glass on all sides. The liquid appeared purple-maybe-but I wasn't entirely sure.
"Danny, is he the one?" My hand rested on my glass at those words. What the hell was this? A set up? To see how much I liked Dan? Or to get me to say something I wasn't prepared to say? Like I wanted to marry him right now and make beautiful babies together, biology be damned?
"He might be. We've got some stuff to work out first..."
"Like the sex?" Lawrence asked.
Alright, enough was enough.
I looked at Lawrence, grabbing Dan's hand and holding it firmly in mine.
"Lawrence, Odelia...I don't know what you're thinking or what Dan might have told you, but I'm not ready to jump into another relationship right now. My last one didn't turn out well. Do I want to get married? Absolutely. But am I going to dive right into it because I can? No. Do I like Dan? You'd better believe it. Will I ever hurt him or give him any reason to doubt me? Nope. Is it even possible I love him? Yeah. I have for a long long time. He's sweet and gorgeous and everything I could want in a husband. But not right now. I can't right now. Alright?"
My mouth started running faster than my brain could process. This was dangerous.
"It's not just about the two of us. It's about Ethan, too. What's best for him. How he'll react to having me, potentially, in his life full time. It's about committing to one person for the rest of my life in every way. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, so please stop pushing and nagging and asking. Please."
I was like a train barreling down the track without a brake.
"Did I want to jump all over Dan and fuck all night long yesterday? Of course I did. Who wouldn't want a body like his to play with? Do I want to take him home and kiss his lips until they're parched? God, yes. Shit, he saw my hard on this morning when he dropped some clothes off. But know what? Sex isn't my first priority. Never has been. I'm much more interested in the person than what they have between their legs. And the potential for a relationship not predicated on sex."
I looked to Dan.
"That's not to say I don't find you unsatiably attractive. You are gorgeous to me and I think you can do 100 times better than me, too. I've got a fucking hard on right now just being next to you, Dan. But that's not the only thing I want you for. I'm not that kind of guy. Not like...never mind."
The tears began to well up in my eyes. I don't know why for sure, they just started to appear. No one said anything. I couldn't hold them back any more. I excused myself from the table and walked as fast as I could to the bathroom. Or what I hoped was the bathroom.
I leaned against the sink as the door closed behind me. God, I had just said entirely too much to the wrong people. Dan was never going to want to see me ever again, my brain told itself. I had just committed another fuck up in a world of fuck ups. With my hands clenched in fists, I pushed them into my eyes, to hell with the pain and the hurt. Fuck it all.
Arms embraced me. They held me tight. I rested my head on whatever was there. At this point, I couldn't care less if it was Odelia, Lawrence or a Smurf. Someone was holding me.
"Hey, I love you, alright? I love the way you held me last night. I love the way you stopped yesterday when I needed you to. I love the way you stand up for yourself. I love that you'll wait for me and that you're not pressuring me and how Ethan factors into your decision making. Larry is just being protective. He knows all about Carter. He wants to make sure you're not a world class fuckwit like he is. And I want to get married too, but I'm not ready, either. Let's just take it slow and see where we end up, alright?"
I slid my hands away from my eyes and hugged Dan with as much force as I could, without hurting him.
"I love you," I whispered into his ear.