Being Creative part X
You guys know the drill by now. Read, don't read...whatever.
We made our way off of campus, my arm holding Dan the entire time. There wasn't much talking between us; nothing more needed to be said tonight. It was time to think about where we both were in our lives, where we were going to go, how we'd factor in with each other. Was I ready to jump into another relationship, let alone one where my partner was damaged and seemingly barely hanging on? Did I have enough of everything I'd need to be that rock Dan needed me to be? And what about Ethan? Sure, we got along just fine, but what kind of presence would I be in his life, especially in light of Carter?
Carter. How was he going to factor into our world? He could see everything I did at home, who came and went, without trying very hard. Not to mention his temper, possessiveness and attitude of entitlement. This was entirely too much to process and decide on tonight. Entirely too much. Hell, it had to be close to 11:30 or even midnight by now-I never could estimate time-and I was drained. Sure, physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. My head swam in thoughts, questions, scenarios, names, events...all of them leading me back to on conclusion.
I needed to stop thinking about it.
The house came into view; it remained as dark as I had left it. Dan and I stood at the front porch, his eyes still not meeting mine.
"Hey, let me take you home, alright?" I said in a gentle voice. His head reluctantly nodded as I fumbled for the keys in my pocket.
"You want to get rid of me, don't you?" Dan asked, his voice barely audible. It was trembling with fear and uncertainty. None of the words had any positive emotion behind them.
I turned back around to face him, stooping down to look him in the eye.
"Of course not. What makes you think that?" Had I done something wrong in asking if I could take him home? Should I have just let him walk in his present state? Maybe I should have asked if he wanted to stay tonight...on the couch, naturally? Where was this coming from?
"I...forget it." He walked to the other side of the car, getting into the passenger seat.
I got in next to him, getting a good look at his face when the dome light went on. He was hiding his eyes from me, wouldn't let me see him at his worst. After tonight and everything we had been through, what was the big deal? Is he trying to save whatever face is left with me?
The car was warm. Okay, understatement. It was bloody hot. Humid. Quite miserable. I started the ignition, rolling the windows down instantly. Dan's arm rested on the center console between the two seats. I could see the sweat forming a layer of ooze on it. Can't say it was terribly sexy right now.
But I took his hand, delicately, gently. I didn't want to scare him off, just reassure him I was right here. That I wanted to be here even if I wasn't completely sold on it myself. He was trembling.
I looked at his face for a sign this was alright-or that it wasn't. I got nothing.
"Dan, I don't know which way to go," I prompted. It was the truth: I didn't know where he lived.
For the first time in a long time, he looked at me on his own volition. His eyes were red, cheeks flushed, skin glistening.
"Can I stay here tonight?" he blurted out, seemingly faster and more unexpected than intended. Dan quickly looked back down at his lap and took his hand back from me. I knew this one: embarrassment. When Dan had looked at me, there was a longing in his eyes, a desire for affection and love. This was a side of him I'm sure not many people saw, even his friends, if they didn't know the entire Carter saga.
How did I say no to him now? How do I tell him to go back to an empty apartment, alone with his thoughts until the morning? I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that, not when I would have wanted someone around if our positions were reversed.
"Yeah, absolutely." I brushed his face with the back of my hand. The practical side of me said we both needed to shower before thinking about going to bed. The other side of me said I needed to control myself this time. Best behavior, good guy, all that jazz.
My mind ran through logistics of the night. What time we'd both be getting up. Breakfast. Sleeping arrangements. You know the kind of stuff I'm talking about. I wasn't concerned with Jackie; she'd roll with anything and I could explain everything to her after work.
I flicked on the kitchen light when we got inside, hoping the light filtering upstairs didn't wake her. We were quiet as our shoes got kicked off by the door and we climbed the stairs.
We both stopped dead in our tracks when we reached the bathroom. I knew our little sexcapade was going through both our minds. If you must know the truth, I was still horny. My eye still hurt. My legs hurt. Heck, everything hurt me right now.
"Go ahead in. I'll get you a towel and something to wear." There was no argument, nothing from Dan. He just moved into the bathroom and stripped. I tried not to look at him, bending his naked ass over to remove the socks. I tried not to sneak a peek when Dan did a near 360 to get into the shower. By god, I was a horny, red blooded gay man. What was I supposed to do?
I willed myself to do the right thing, chanting good karma would come back to me if I behaved. The towel, shorts and t-shirt were placed on the sink for Dan and I returned to my room. I clicked the computer on to sort through my e-mail one more time before calling it a night.
Something from Odelia telling me not to bring lunch tomorrow. My sister saying hi, a couple news alerts, a mail from Tony, some spam...
Wait, Tony? What could he possibly want? The asshole hadn't lifted a finger when I left.
Aar,
I ran into Naveed and Yousif tonight. They asked how you were. They made me think about us. I treated you like shit and I'm sorry. I never stopped loving you. I didn't know how to show it. You deserve more than I gave you.
And here's the kicker:
I want to take you to dinner this weekend, if you're not doing anything. Anywhere you want, just us. I want to talk this out. Maybe we can patch all this up. ???
Love,
Tony
My heart was skipping every other beat. Here I was, months removed from having seen this cheating shithead, let alone heard from him...with Dan in the shower...and he wants to see if we can work this out? For real? Seriously? What demented dimension does he live in? Bizarro World?
With a jab, I closed the e-mail window. I wasn't going to deal with this tonight, maybe never. I'd have to think about it.
The shower water turned off; I heard the door open and an arm reached across the door for the towel. Dan looked at me and I looked at him. My heart settled, breathing slowed and I got lost in him. How could anyone be so vile to such a beautiful man? Much like earlier in the night, I saw a wide, expansive future for both of us. Wanting it as badly as I did made the tears begin to well up in my eyes. In the past, all my dreams had been torn asunder, particularly with Tony. This was a chance at something new, fresh for me. I wanted him so badly to be with me forever and always.
But I had wanted the same from Tony. And look how that turned out. I got lost in the dream without looking at the reality. There was no way Tony could be that person. But Dan? Yeah, I think he could.
I shook myself out of the dream. This was my present, my reality, what I had to work with.
Dan came out of the bathroom, hair disheaveled and wet. He sat down on the corner of the bed, still looking at me. There was a refreshed look to him, something new, ready to face the world. I went over to him and kissed his cheek before getting into the shower myself.
Three minutes later when I came out of the bathroom, towel around me waist, he had curled up on one side of my bed, fast asleep. Dressed as much as I cared to, I set my phone alarm and climbed in next to him, wrapping my arm on top of him, spooning together for the first time. I kissed the back of his neck.
Just because.
And then drifted off to sleep.
We made our way off of campus, my arm holding Dan the entire time. There wasn't much talking between us; nothing more needed to be said tonight. It was time to think about where we both were in our lives, where we were going to go, how we'd factor in with each other. Was I ready to jump into another relationship, let alone one where my partner was damaged and seemingly barely hanging on? Did I have enough of everything I'd need to be that rock Dan needed me to be? And what about Ethan? Sure, we got along just fine, but what kind of presence would I be in his life, especially in light of Carter?
Carter. How was he going to factor into our world? He could see everything I did at home, who came and went, without trying very hard. Not to mention his temper, possessiveness and attitude of entitlement. This was entirely too much to process and decide on tonight. Entirely too much. Hell, it had to be close to 11:30 or even midnight by now-I never could estimate time-and I was drained. Sure, physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. My head swam in thoughts, questions, scenarios, names, events...all of them leading me back to on conclusion.
I needed to stop thinking about it.
The house came into view; it remained as dark as I had left it. Dan and I stood at the front porch, his eyes still not meeting mine.
"Hey, let me take you home, alright?" I said in a gentle voice. His head reluctantly nodded as I fumbled for the keys in my pocket.
"You want to get rid of me, don't you?" Dan asked, his voice barely audible. It was trembling with fear and uncertainty. None of the words had any positive emotion behind them.
I turned back around to face him, stooping down to look him in the eye.
"Of course not. What makes you think that?" Had I done something wrong in asking if I could take him home? Should I have just let him walk in his present state? Maybe I should have asked if he wanted to stay tonight...on the couch, naturally? Where was this coming from?
"I...forget it." He walked to the other side of the car, getting into the passenger seat.
I got in next to him, getting a good look at his face when the dome light went on. He was hiding his eyes from me, wouldn't let me see him at his worst. After tonight and everything we had been through, what was the big deal? Is he trying to save whatever face is left with me?
The car was warm. Okay, understatement. It was bloody hot. Humid. Quite miserable. I started the ignition, rolling the windows down instantly. Dan's arm rested on the center console between the two seats. I could see the sweat forming a layer of ooze on it. Can't say it was terribly sexy right now.
But I took his hand, delicately, gently. I didn't want to scare him off, just reassure him I was right here. That I wanted to be here even if I wasn't completely sold on it myself. He was trembling.
I looked at his face for a sign this was alright-or that it wasn't. I got nothing.
"Dan, I don't know which way to go," I prompted. It was the truth: I didn't know where he lived.
For the first time in a long time, he looked at me on his own volition. His eyes were red, cheeks flushed, skin glistening.
"Can I stay here tonight?" he blurted out, seemingly faster and more unexpected than intended. Dan quickly looked back down at his lap and took his hand back from me. I knew this one: embarrassment. When Dan had looked at me, there was a longing in his eyes, a desire for affection and love. This was a side of him I'm sure not many people saw, even his friends, if they didn't know the entire Carter saga.
How did I say no to him now? How do I tell him to go back to an empty apartment, alone with his thoughts until the morning? I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that, not when I would have wanted someone around if our positions were reversed.
"Yeah, absolutely." I brushed his face with the back of my hand. The practical side of me said we both needed to shower before thinking about going to bed. The other side of me said I needed to control myself this time. Best behavior, good guy, all that jazz.
My mind ran through logistics of the night. What time we'd both be getting up. Breakfast. Sleeping arrangements. You know the kind of stuff I'm talking about. I wasn't concerned with Jackie; she'd roll with anything and I could explain everything to her after work.
I flicked on the kitchen light when we got inside, hoping the light filtering upstairs didn't wake her. We were quiet as our shoes got kicked off by the door and we climbed the stairs.
We both stopped dead in our tracks when we reached the bathroom. I knew our little sexcapade was going through both our minds. If you must know the truth, I was still horny. My eye still hurt. My legs hurt. Heck, everything hurt me right now.
"Go ahead in. I'll get you a towel and something to wear." There was no argument, nothing from Dan. He just moved into the bathroom and stripped. I tried not to look at him, bending his naked ass over to remove the socks. I tried not to sneak a peek when Dan did a near 360 to get into the shower. By god, I was a horny, red blooded gay man. What was I supposed to do?
I willed myself to do the right thing, chanting good karma would come back to me if I behaved. The towel, shorts and t-shirt were placed on the sink for Dan and I returned to my room. I clicked the computer on to sort through my e-mail one more time before calling it a night.
Something from Odelia telling me not to bring lunch tomorrow. My sister saying hi, a couple news alerts, a mail from Tony, some spam...
Wait, Tony? What could he possibly want? The asshole hadn't lifted a finger when I left.
Aar,
I ran into Naveed and Yousif tonight. They asked how you were. They made me think about us. I treated you like shit and I'm sorry. I never stopped loving you. I didn't know how to show it. You deserve more than I gave you.
And here's the kicker:
I want to take you to dinner this weekend, if you're not doing anything. Anywhere you want, just us. I want to talk this out. Maybe we can patch all this up. ???
Love,
Tony
My heart was skipping every other beat. Here I was, months removed from having seen this cheating shithead, let alone heard from him...with Dan in the shower...and he wants to see if we can work this out? For real? Seriously? What demented dimension does he live in? Bizarro World?
With a jab, I closed the e-mail window. I wasn't going to deal with this tonight, maybe never. I'd have to think about it.
The shower water turned off; I heard the door open and an arm reached across the door for the towel. Dan looked at me and I looked at him. My heart settled, breathing slowed and I got lost in him. How could anyone be so vile to such a beautiful man? Much like earlier in the night, I saw a wide, expansive future for both of us. Wanting it as badly as I did made the tears begin to well up in my eyes. In the past, all my dreams had been torn asunder, particularly with Tony. This was a chance at something new, fresh for me. I wanted him so badly to be with me forever and always.
But I had wanted the same from Tony. And look how that turned out. I got lost in the dream without looking at the reality. There was no way Tony could be that person. But Dan? Yeah, I think he could.
I shook myself out of the dream. This was my present, my reality, what I had to work with.
Dan came out of the bathroom, hair disheaveled and wet. He sat down on the corner of the bed, still looking at me. There was a refreshed look to him, something new, ready to face the world. I went over to him and kissed his cheek before getting into the shower myself.
Three minutes later when I came out of the bathroom, towel around me waist, he had curled up on one side of my bed, fast asleep. Dressed as much as I cared to, I set my phone alarm and climbed in next to him, wrapping my arm on top of him, spooning together for the first time. I kissed the back of his neck.
Just because.
And then drifted off to sleep.