Being Creative Part III
Want to try BJ, the ad headline read.
Don’t judge me because I needed to blow a load. Or how I choose to blow said load. I know CraigsList isn’t the best place for a hookup. Believe me, I know. But guess what? Between Carter running out on me this morning and seeing Dan again, my nuts felt like they were going to explode.
I clicked on the link and a new screen opened. No picture. Figures.
26 year old straight guy looking to give NSA blowjob. 6’4”, 250#.
Fuck, a straight boy wanting a dick in his mouth? This was entirely too good to be true. My need to get off with another person-and not just Rosy P.-kicked into overdrive. Sure, I could call Dan and we could roll around for a little bit.
But I wanted something more from Dan, more than a one night stand or to use him as a cum recepticle. I wanted to know him on every level there was. I wanted a relationship with him which wasn’t predicated on sex…
That seemed to be all I was thinking about today. Sex. God, it had gotten me into loads of trouble in the past. Who wanted it, didn’t want it, never got enough, was never happy and everything in between. It was the stereotype, wasn’t it?
Gay men thinking about sex every nine seconds or something equally profane. I’d never admit this in public-I couldn’t sully the reputation of my “family”-but I assumed it was more frequent than every nine seconds. More like every other second.
My hand glided the mouse over to the e-mail link in the ad. God, I was really doing this. My finger clicked, opening up a brand new window. What would Jackie say? My hands rested on the keyboard and began typing. What if I couldn’t get hard because this guy was ugly or shot too quickly or couldn’t cum at all?
Hey man, 31 YO GWM, 6 inches cut. Got a place. Anything else you want to do?
I even signed it Aaron. Sweet of me, right? I figured why the hell not? I had no shame in needing or wanting my dick sucked tonight. Why the fuck did I care if some guy looking to put a cock in his mouth knew my name?
The minute I sent the e-mail I regretted it. Something always came over me the minute I tried to set up a sexual rendezvous. I felt guilty, dirty even. I don’t know why. People did this kind of thing all the time. My stomach did a couple flip flops, my knees buckled (even though I was sitting down)…almost like the stuff that happened with Dan earlier. I often thought this random sex thing wasn’t for me. Maybe just monogamy.
Or maybe I was destined to be a loner my entire life.
I looked around my room. In the little time I had had today, it didn’t look half bad. Sure, none of my posters were up. Clothes hadn’t made their way into the dresser yet. The bed was completely unmade. Fuck, I didn’t even know where my box of…ahem, toys was.
Not that it would matter tonight. This straight guy probably wouldn’t even respond to me. And even if he did, all he wanted was to give a blowjob. Nothing else. Not like he wanted to try a dildo up his ass. Or rimming mine.
My eyes darted back to the e-mail box. Nothing there. Goddammit, didn’t people wait around to check their e-mail after they post an ad looking to give a blowjob?
This is the one part of the entire process I hate: the waiting. I’m not a patient guy by nature; fuck, far from it, actually. In a car, I tend to tailgate everyone on the freeway. In the store, I bore holes into the back of the fucker in front of me for taking so long at the do it yourself check out. What do you want from me? I’m a busy guy.
Sitting in my ratty decade old office chair and tilting my head back, the full effect of the fan hit my hot body. Shivers, naturally, but I liked it. Being cold was preferable to being hot. No doubt about it. The only side effect was making a dick shrivel. Perky nipples, goose bumps, snuggling under the covers, feeling the coolness wash over your body…all plusses in my book.
Something possessed me to run my fingers over my bare chest. I could feel the heat coming out of it. I played with my nipples, making them hard for the millionth time today, it seemed. Aside from my neck, these were my big turn on zones.
Fine, erogenous zones, if you must be completely technical.
I involuntarily clenched my ass every time I grazed the top of each nub. This, of course, made my cock respond in my little briefs. Yes, I was sitting in my new house, bedroom door wide open, playing with my nipples with a hard on in completely unfashionable underwear. Who the fuck cared?
A small moan escaped my mouth. I didn’t intend for it to. It just happened. Funny thing was I never had been a big moaner. Then again, Tony had never given me anything to moan about. Sexually moan about, mind you. He gave me plenty else to moan over.
Before I shot a load without getting a mouth on my dick, I stopped. I had to. It wouldn’t be fair if Straight Boy got here only to have to work for an hour to get me off. (Yeah, I’m old and my recharge time isn’t nearly what it used to be.)
Looking at the screen one more time, there was nothing new. Alright, there WAS something new, but not what I wanted. What the hell was taking so long?
I stood up and walked over to my window, fully aware of what people would see if they looked into my room. 1,000% aware of what Carter would see. That’s probably why I did it, to tell you the truth. To make him envious, angry, regretful. He could have had all of this today and he ran away. Whatever.
The street was quiet, though I knew it wouldn’t be for much longer. Once classes were officially in session, we’d never get a moment’s peace. I savored it, if only for one night. I glanced down the street, trying to see if I was being spied on again. I couldn’t see anything-or anyone-but it was dark and there were no lights. In my mind, I yelled at Carter.
See me? This could have all been yours. I would have done anything with you! But you ran away like a mother fucking coward! You couldn’t even look me in the eye and be a man, sniveling little faggot…
That last part got me out of my fog. If there was one thing I didn’t do, it was using slurs as an attack. Faggot, nigger, cunt…you’d never hear them come out of my mouth in an offensive way. Really, the last two never came out of my mouth period.
I hated myself for the briefest of moments. That kind of language simply wasn’t me. I chastised people for using it themselves. And here I was, throwing around hurtful words.
Not content to waste any more time tonight-and to get my mind off of what I had just thought-I clicked the iPod on. I didn’t feel like anything in particular, just something faster, with an up beat tempo, but not obnoxiously clubbish.
Daughtry hit the spot. “It’s Not Over,” “Used To,” “Feels Like Tonight”…whatever. Something I could sing to and get pumped over.
One last check of the e-mail yielded the message I was waiting for. From Matt. Gee, original name.
I’m nervous about this. AIM: mdimitriv.
Blunt and to the point, wasn’t he. I clicked open the program and in a couple keystrokes, Matt showed up as online.
Hey.
Hi.
You just wanna give a bj?
Yeah.
I’m free all night. Wanna come over?
Where?
Across from Difey. Accura in the driveway. Light on.
Okay.
Anything else you wanna do?
Just a bj.
Cool.
I’m nervous.
Promise I won’t bite and there’s nothing scary about my cock. If you say stop, we stop.
Alright. 5 minutes.
God, that was almost painful. I didn’t want a relationship with this Matt character, but dear lord, something more than three words might be nice, too.
I grabbed my shorts from the bed and threw them on as I galloped down the stairs. Yeah, I had five minutes. I was just excited to get my dick sucked. It had been more than a while.
As I plopped back down on the couch after turning on the outside light, all manner of thoughts ran through my head. What if Matt was a nutcase? What if he was a fag basher? What if I knew him? What if he was really ugly? What if…
I hit my head a couple times to vanquish the thoughts. Why was this always so hard for me? It didn’t involve any commitment, no relationship, nothing. It was a transaction.
Jackie knew I was here. Carter was undoubtedly still watching the house. If I didn’t show up to work on Monday morning, my new boss would come looking for me. I had the upper hand, being at home and not caring who knew I was gay. Matt was the one with everything to lose if this went badly.
I must have dozed off for a minute in the dark because I was startled by the door bell. Jumping up, I bounded over to the door. Through the small windows on top, I could see a head. Damn, he WAS a tall fucker, wasn’t he?
I opened it, flicking on the light in the hallway.
“Aaron?”
I shook his outstretched hand. I was trying to be a gracious host, after all.
“Come on in, Matt.”
My first impression? Not my kind of guy, but who cared. Aside from the height and weight-which he carried nicely, mind you-Matt wore a baseball cap, some metal band t-shirt and jean shorts. A thick, long beard hung down his face. If I watched closely, I could see his chest thumping under the shirt. Not hard, considering how tight it was on him.
We stood in the foyer. Um, hi, make some kind of move?
“Want something to drink?”
Why did I always say the stupidest things?
“Nah, I’m good.”
“My roommate isn’t going to be home tonight, so we can hang out down here or upstairs.”
Matt looked around. I figured he was figuring out where he could give a blowjob with the fewest people potentially seeing.
“Down here’s good.”
I nodded and spread my arms out to the sides.
“I’m all yours. Whatever you wanna do, feel free.”
Okay, that was an open invitation if I ever heard one. But he didn’t do anything. Not a move. So I had to take the lead.
I unbuttoned my shorts, letting them drop to the floor around my ankles. He looked at my bulge in the briefs, not sure what to say, I’m sure. If he said anything, it would lead him down the “gay side.” At least that’s what I thought.
So I slipped my thumbs inside the waist band of my undies and slid them down too. Here I was, naked as all get out in front of a straight guy who wanted to suck me off. First for everything, I guess.
“Nice,” was the comment as Matt lowered his considerable bulk onto his knees in front of me. I was soft-no shock there-and he was a champ by taking my entire cock in his mouth down to my untrimmed pubes. His mouth was warm, but not moist.
I continued to watch this guy bob up and down on my dick, one hand resting on his upper thigh and the other on the shaft of my tool. This was a sloppy blowjob, I concluded. He wasn’t using his tongue like he should, wasn’t manipulating my balls or jerking me off at the same time. Nothing like that.
To be honest, I wasn’t feeling it. Okay, I felt his mouth on me, but no sensation. Nothing that would get me hard, let alone get me off. I rested my hands on his head, moving back and forth with his up and down motion.
Apparently I would need to think about something…use my imagination, if you will…to get this proverbial party started. I ran through the list of people I used on a regular basis in my jerk off fantasies. It was like a rolodex of faces, bodies, cocks. None of them seemed to be the thing I wanted tonight.
This was depressing. I was horny, but couldn’t get hard. I wanted sex, but didn’t at the same time. Was it my conscience? I couldn’t figure out why it would be…
Matt flicked his tongue underneath my cockhead in rapid succession. THAT got my attention! It felt so good, stimulating, shooting waves of joy over me. I didn’t want him to stop that.
“More…like that…” I got out. His nose hit my pubes once, twice, three, four, five times. I watched each time. It turned me on, along with his tongue. I could feel my cock inflate.
Closing my eyes, I clenched my ass repeatedly, trying to tell him nonverbally he was doing a good job. God, a very good job, once he got the technique right. I thrusted into his mouth. Something was building in me, wanting to get out.
“I’m gonna cum.” I expected him to pull off and jerk me off. No. He dove down even farther, gulping with gusto. Jesus Christ on a cracker, he really did want to experience this, didn’t he?
A moment later I held back as long as I could for a bigger orgasm. But I couldn’t anymore and spewed in his mouth. Matt continued to slurp every last drop from my cock. I grasped the back of the couch for support. My knees were weak; they always were when I got off standing up.
Matt kept my cock in his mouth until it went soft again, every drop of cum gone. I smiled and looked down at him. Matt lumbered to his feet, looking at me.
“So…what’d ya think?”
“Not bad.” Still didn’t talk much.
“You didn’t leak any of it. Nice.” Alright, I had to give him a compliment of some kind.
“Yeah, it wasn’t bad.”
Did he say anything else?
Matt headed to the door without a word, leaving me in the living room buck naked. He left without saying anything else.
I sat down right there on the floor.
What did I just do?
I let my body take control of me. Put me in a potentially bad situation I had rationalized away. That was stupid, Aar. Really stupid.
Here I was, I could have had Dan or any other gay guy. But I went after a straight one. Invited him into my house. Let him suck my dick and swallow my cum. I had broken about ten rules of hook up etiquette.
I lowered my head, trying not to cry. My knees curled into my chest; my arms wrapped around them. I had to have control over these things…HAD TO! I would be no better than Tony if I didn't reign it all in for the next person.
Nothing my mind told my heart made the bad feeling go away. Nothing. I now officially hated myself.
And the tally for day one of a new life: one gay guy running away from me, one straight guy sucking me, one gay guy interested in me...and the most important gay guy thinking I was lower that scum.
I laid down on the wooden floor and cried myself to sleep.
Don’t judge me because I needed to blow a load. Or how I choose to blow said load. I know CraigsList isn’t the best place for a hookup. Believe me, I know. But guess what? Between Carter running out on me this morning and seeing Dan again, my nuts felt like they were going to explode.
I clicked on the link and a new screen opened. No picture. Figures.
26 year old straight guy looking to give NSA blowjob. 6’4”, 250#.
Fuck, a straight boy wanting a dick in his mouth? This was entirely too good to be true. My need to get off with another person-and not just Rosy P.-kicked into overdrive. Sure, I could call Dan and we could roll around for a little bit.
But I wanted something more from Dan, more than a one night stand or to use him as a cum recepticle. I wanted to know him on every level there was. I wanted a relationship with him which wasn’t predicated on sex…
That seemed to be all I was thinking about today. Sex. God, it had gotten me into loads of trouble in the past. Who wanted it, didn’t want it, never got enough, was never happy and everything in between. It was the stereotype, wasn’t it?
Gay men thinking about sex every nine seconds or something equally profane. I’d never admit this in public-I couldn’t sully the reputation of my “family”-but I assumed it was more frequent than every nine seconds. More like every other second.
My hand glided the mouse over to the e-mail link in the ad. God, I was really doing this. My finger clicked, opening up a brand new window. What would Jackie say? My hands rested on the keyboard and began typing. What if I couldn’t get hard because this guy was ugly or shot too quickly or couldn’t cum at all?
Hey man, 31 YO GWM, 6 inches cut. Got a place. Anything else you want to do?
I even signed it Aaron. Sweet of me, right? I figured why the hell not? I had no shame in needing or wanting my dick sucked tonight. Why the fuck did I care if some guy looking to put a cock in his mouth knew my name?
The minute I sent the e-mail I regretted it. Something always came over me the minute I tried to set up a sexual rendezvous. I felt guilty, dirty even. I don’t know why. People did this kind of thing all the time. My stomach did a couple flip flops, my knees buckled (even though I was sitting down)…almost like the stuff that happened with Dan earlier. I often thought this random sex thing wasn’t for me. Maybe just monogamy.
Or maybe I was destined to be a loner my entire life.
I looked around my room. In the little time I had had today, it didn’t look half bad. Sure, none of my posters were up. Clothes hadn’t made their way into the dresser yet. The bed was completely unmade. Fuck, I didn’t even know where my box of…ahem, toys was.
Not that it would matter tonight. This straight guy probably wouldn’t even respond to me. And even if he did, all he wanted was to give a blowjob. Nothing else. Not like he wanted to try a dildo up his ass. Or rimming mine.
My eyes darted back to the e-mail box. Nothing there. Goddammit, didn’t people wait around to check their e-mail after they post an ad looking to give a blowjob?
This is the one part of the entire process I hate: the waiting. I’m not a patient guy by nature; fuck, far from it, actually. In a car, I tend to tailgate everyone on the freeway. In the store, I bore holes into the back of the fucker in front of me for taking so long at the do it yourself check out. What do you want from me? I’m a busy guy.
Sitting in my ratty decade old office chair and tilting my head back, the full effect of the fan hit my hot body. Shivers, naturally, but I liked it. Being cold was preferable to being hot. No doubt about it. The only side effect was making a dick shrivel. Perky nipples, goose bumps, snuggling under the covers, feeling the coolness wash over your body…all plusses in my book.
Something possessed me to run my fingers over my bare chest. I could feel the heat coming out of it. I played with my nipples, making them hard for the millionth time today, it seemed. Aside from my neck, these were my big turn on zones.
Fine, erogenous zones, if you must be completely technical.
I involuntarily clenched my ass every time I grazed the top of each nub. This, of course, made my cock respond in my little briefs. Yes, I was sitting in my new house, bedroom door wide open, playing with my nipples with a hard on in completely unfashionable underwear. Who the fuck cared?
A small moan escaped my mouth. I didn’t intend for it to. It just happened. Funny thing was I never had been a big moaner. Then again, Tony had never given me anything to moan about. Sexually moan about, mind you. He gave me plenty else to moan over.
Before I shot a load without getting a mouth on my dick, I stopped. I had to. It wouldn’t be fair if Straight Boy got here only to have to work for an hour to get me off. (Yeah, I’m old and my recharge time isn’t nearly what it used to be.)
Looking at the screen one more time, there was nothing new. Alright, there WAS something new, but not what I wanted. What the hell was taking so long?
I stood up and walked over to my window, fully aware of what people would see if they looked into my room. 1,000% aware of what Carter would see. That’s probably why I did it, to tell you the truth. To make him envious, angry, regretful. He could have had all of this today and he ran away. Whatever.
The street was quiet, though I knew it wouldn’t be for much longer. Once classes were officially in session, we’d never get a moment’s peace. I savored it, if only for one night. I glanced down the street, trying to see if I was being spied on again. I couldn’t see anything-or anyone-but it was dark and there were no lights. In my mind, I yelled at Carter.
See me? This could have all been yours. I would have done anything with you! But you ran away like a mother fucking coward! You couldn’t even look me in the eye and be a man, sniveling little faggot…
That last part got me out of my fog. If there was one thing I didn’t do, it was using slurs as an attack. Faggot, nigger, cunt…you’d never hear them come out of my mouth in an offensive way. Really, the last two never came out of my mouth period.
I hated myself for the briefest of moments. That kind of language simply wasn’t me. I chastised people for using it themselves. And here I was, throwing around hurtful words.
Not content to waste any more time tonight-and to get my mind off of what I had just thought-I clicked the iPod on. I didn’t feel like anything in particular, just something faster, with an up beat tempo, but not obnoxiously clubbish.
Daughtry hit the spot. “It’s Not Over,” “Used To,” “Feels Like Tonight”…whatever. Something I could sing to and get pumped over.
One last check of the e-mail yielded the message I was waiting for. From Matt. Gee, original name.
I’m nervous about this. AIM: mdimitriv.
Blunt and to the point, wasn’t he. I clicked open the program and in a couple keystrokes, Matt showed up as online.
Hey.
Hi.
You just wanna give a bj?
Yeah.
I’m free all night. Wanna come over?
Where?
Across from Difey. Accura in the driveway. Light on.
Okay.
Anything else you wanna do?
Just a bj.
Cool.
I’m nervous.
Promise I won’t bite and there’s nothing scary about my cock. If you say stop, we stop.
Alright. 5 minutes.
God, that was almost painful. I didn’t want a relationship with this Matt character, but dear lord, something more than three words might be nice, too.
I grabbed my shorts from the bed and threw them on as I galloped down the stairs. Yeah, I had five minutes. I was just excited to get my dick sucked. It had been more than a while.
As I plopped back down on the couch after turning on the outside light, all manner of thoughts ran through my head. What if Matt was a nutcase? What if he was a fag basher? What if I knew him? What if he was really ugly? What if…
I hit my head a couple times to vanquish the thoughts. Why was this always so hard for me? It didn’t involve any commitment, no relationship, nothing. It was a transaction.
Jackie knew I was here. Carter was undoubtedly still watching the house. If I didn’t show up to work on Monday morning, my new boss would come looking for me. I had the upper hand, being at home and not caring who knew I was gay. Matt was the one with everything to lose if this went badly.
I must have dozed off for a minute in the dark because I was startled by the door bell. Jumping up, I bounded over to the door. Through the small windows on top, I could see a head. Damn, he WAS a tall fucker, wasn’t he?
I opened it, flicking on the light in the hallway.
“Aaron?”
I shook his outstretched hand. I was trying to be a gracious host, after all.
“Come on in, Matt.”
My first impression? Not my kind of guy, but who cared. Aside from the height and weight-which he carried nicely, mind you-Matt wore a baseball cap, some metal band t-shirt and jean shorts. A thick, long beard hung down his face. If I watched closely, I could see his chest thumping under the shirt. Not hard, considering how tight it was on him.
We stood in the foyer. Um, hi, make some kind of move?
“Want something to drink?”
Why did I always say the stupidest things?
“Nah, I’m good.”
“My roommate isn’t going to be home tonight, so we can hang out down here or upstairs.”
Matt looked around. I figured he was figuring out where he could give a blowjob with the fewest people potentially seeing.
“Down here’s good.”
I nodded and spread my arms out to the sides.
“I’m all yours. Whatever you wanna do, feel free.”
Okay, that was an open invitation if I ever heard one. But he didn’t do anything. Not a move. So I had to take the lead.
I unbuttoned my shorts, letting them drop to the floor around my ankles. He looked at my bulge in the briefs, not sure what to say, I’m sure. If he said anything, it would lead him down the “gay side.” At least that’s what I thought.
So I slipped my thumbs inside the waist band of my undies and slid them down too. Here I was, naked as all get out in front of a straight guy who wanted to suck me off. First for everything, I guess.
“Nice,” was the comment as Matt lowered his considerable bulk onto his knees in front of me. I was soft-no shock there-and he was a champ by taking my entire cock in his mouth down to my untrimmed pubes. His mouth was warm, but not moist.
I continued to watch this guy bob up and down on my dick, one hand resting on his upper thigh and the other on the shaft of my tool. This was a sloppy blowjob, I concluded. He wasn’t using his tongue like he should, wasn’t manipulating my balls or jerking me off at the same time. Nothing like that.
To be honest, I wasn’t feeling it. Okay, I felt his mouth on me, but no sensation. Nothing that would get me hard, let alone get me off. I rested my hands on his head, moving back and forth with his up and down motion.
Apparently I would need to think about something…use my imagination, if you will…to get this proverbial party started. I ran through the list of people I used on a regular basis in my jerk off fantasies. It was like a rolodex of faces, bodies, cocks. None of them seemed to be the thing I wanted tonight.
This was depressing. I was horny, but couldn’t get hard. I wanted sex, but didn’t at the same time. Was it my conscience? I couldn’t figure out why it would be…
Matt flicked his tongue underneath my cockhead in rapid succession. THAT got my attention! It felt so good, stimulating, shooting waves of joy over me. I didn’t want him to stop that.
“More…like that…” I got out. His nose hit my pubes once, twice, three, four, five times. I watched each time. It turned me on, along with his tongue. I could feel my cock inflate.
Closing my eyes, I clenched my ass repeatedly, trying to tell him nonverbally he was doing a good job. God, a very good job, once he got the technique right. I thrusted into his mouth. Something was building in me, wanting to get out.
“I’m gonna cum.” I expected him to pull off and jerk me off. No. He dove down even farther, gulping with gusto. Jesus Christ on a cracker, he really did want to experience this, didn’t he?
A moment later I held back as long as I could for a bigger orgasm. But I couldn’t anymore and spewed in his mouth. Matt continued to slurp every last drop from my cock. I grasped the back of the couch for support. My knees were weak; they always were when I got off standing up.
Matt kept my cock in his mouth until it went soft again, every drop of cum gone. I smiled and looked down at him. Matt lumbered to his feet, looking at me.
“So…what’d ya think?”
“Not bad.” Still didn’t talk much.
“You didn’t leak any of it. Nice.” Alright, I had to give him a compliment of some kind.
“Yeah, it wasn’t bad.”
Did he say anything else?
Matt headed to the door without a word, leaving me in the living room buck naked. He left without saying anything else.
I sat down right there on the floor.
What did I just do?
I let my body take control of me. Put me in a potentially bad situation I had rationalized away. That was stupid, Aar. Really stupid.
Here I was, I could have had Dan or any other gay guy. But I went after a straight one. Invited him into my house. Let him suck my dick and swallow my cum. I had broken about ten rules of hook up etiquette.
I lowered my head, trying not to cry. My knees curled into my chest; my arms wrapped around them. I had to have control over these things…HAD TO! I would be no better than Tony if I didn't reign it all in for the next person.
Nothing my mind told my heart made the bad feeling go away. Nothing. I now officially hated myself.
And the tally for day one of a new life: one gay guy running away from me, one straight guy sucking me, one gay guy interested in me...and the most important gay guy thinking I was lower that scum.
I laid down on the wooden floor and cried myself to sleep.