fic: we all try
Title: We all try
Pairing(s): JB/Hyunwoo, Jr/Hyunwoo, eventual JB/Mark, slight (like if you were to squint) Jr/Jackson
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3.9k
Author's Note: Written bc Shownu and Jaebum and basically Shownu, if you don't know who Shownu is then watch this
"Was it just me or was the routine harder this time round?" Jaebum slumps against the cool wall mirror, watching Hyunwoo closely with his peripheral vision.
It's past 2 in the morning, the lights are switched off and Jinyoung left an hour ago, leaving Jaebum and Hyunwoo in the chilly practice room, drenched in sweat, their limbs sore and pliant from strenuous practice.
Jaebum chuckles when Hyunwoo finally gives up, switching the sound system off with a click of a button. Hyunwoo plops himself next to Jaebum and although the room was dark, he had a feeling that the older boy's lips were wried in annoyance.
"You're being too hard on yourself, hyung."
Hyunwoo laughs albeit a little sadly, shaking his head lightly.
Jaebum's not the type to pity someone. He's not the type to pat someone on the back and say that everything's going to be okay because he knows that won't fix things. Words often have an effect on someone, Jaebum knows that well but he's also old enough to understand that life is a challenge and the going will only get rougher.
"Let's get food and head to the dorms." Jaebum suggests, packing the last of his things into his bag pack. Hyunwoo nods, toweling his perspiration off.
-
"Shall we get drinks?" Hyunwoo yawns as they make their way out of the jyp building. Jaebum clucks his tongue.
"We're not supposed to drink, we have to be up at 9 later."
"But chicken only goes well with beer."
Jaebum hesitates, sighing in frustration. Hyunwoo always had his way with things.
"Just a few okay? And you're paying for the chicken too."
"God, there goes my fucking weekly allowance."
Jaebum rolls his eyes.
"Oh come on, I bought you ramen last week."
"I practically buy you water all the time, you ungrateful bitch." Hyunwoo sneers and Jaebum elbows him in the ribs, eliciting a loud groan from the older male.
They order take-away and head for the dorms. Hyunwoo was unusually quiet tonight and Jaebum's slightly worried. But he doesn't question it.
-
They're tipsy. Both of them. They speak in long, hushed drawls, shoulders pressed against each others' as they lean against the wall of their shared room.
"You're very close to that American guy, now huh?" Hyunwoo starts, clearing his throat. He licks his lips, a little hesitant to hear Jaebum's reply.
"He's Taiwanese actually. And I guess you can say so? I'm kinda entrusted with the duty to look after him and make sure that he's adjusting well."
"Entrusted?" Hyunwoo scoffs and Jaebum's slightly taken aback.
"What's so funny?"
"You might want to lay it off a little, Jaebum-ah."
"Stop beating around the bush and tell me what is it."
"You're just doing whatever it takes to make you look good aren't you? Want that leader position so badly huh?" Hyunwoo laughs bitterly, chugging down on his beer. He's a brutally honest drunk and that's getting him nowhere because Jaebum has low tolerance for insults.
Jaebum's blood is boiling at the sudden accusation. After months of knowing each other, Hyunwoo should know better than to say something like that.
"Are you trying to say that I'm sucking ass just to be a leader for our future group? You best take those words back." Jaebum seethes, fingers crushing his empty beer can.
"Woah, woah. Calm down soldier, it's not really an insult. All I'm saying is that you're hella determined in getting what you want, it's a good thing, I guess?" Hyunwoo shrugs nonchalantly.
Jaebum keeps mum, opening another can of beer.
"What's his name again? Didn't catch it."
"His name is Mark Tuan."
"So how's Mark?"
Jaebum sighs, squirming a little to get into a more comfortable position.
"He has no skills, well not at the moment anyway. They're pushing him into vocal training but I have a feeling he's more rap oriented."
"And you should probably tell Sajangnim that. We should always trust Im Jaebum's intuitions."
Jaebum feels rage swimming in his veins.
"What's that supposed to mean? You're trying to say something again?" Jaebum raises his tone. Fuck formalities when Hyunwoo's obviously trying to pick a fight.
"You know what? Let's not fight anymore, we're both tired and slightly drunk and it's making us really cranky." Hyunwoo drawls, massaging his temples slightly. The younger huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.
"There's something I have to tell you." Hyunwoo breaks the silence, voice a little groggy from the alcohol.
"What is it?"
"I'm not doing too well here. Company's giving me a month to prove myself worthy for debut, I don't think I can-" Hyunwoo doesn't complete his sentence, instead he chuckles sadly before pursing his lips. Jaebum squints.
"Fuck you. Are you even listening to yourself? What the fuck man!" Jaebum yells, not giving two shits that the others are probably sleeping soundly in their rooms.
"Shhh, Jaebum, you're doing that adorable thing where you're being really loud again." Hyunwoo laughs, ignoring the serious situation at hand and Jaebum feels like lunging for his neck and snapping it in two.
"But yes, I'm leaving. I guess some things are just not cut out for me."
Jaebum can't believe his ears.
What on earth was Hyunwoo yapping about? He's darn good at dancing, he's even the choreographer's favorite student. He has a voice that could beat angels and he will only get better in the future. How could he be saying such things? He has no right, no fucking right. Especially after spending long hours training together, shedding blood, sweat and tears together, how dare Hyunwoo quit when they've only just begun?
"And also I'm thinking of studying again. Maybe I'll be back? In a few years or something but I don't know. I'm reconsidering my choices."
Hyunwoo sighs when he's done, taking a swig from Jaebum's can of beer, because he's all out of it. Jaebum doesn't stop him. He doesn't say anything. His lips are sealed into a thin line, his mouth dry.
"Jaebum-ah, do you not want me to leave?" Hyunwoo asks, voice soft and careful.
The last bit of Jaebum's sanity snaps.
"You know what? You can leave whenever you want. I don't give a fuck. People come and go and it isn't something new, well at least not for me." Jaebum expresses truthfully, words tumbling out of his mouth before he could even lace them with politeness.
Jaebum refuses to look at Hyunwoo in the eye.
"I may or may not miss you but that's not really the problem here isn't it? That's just something I have to live through. Life's shitty and it will only get shittier from here and I think I can handle that, hyung."
Hyunwoo flinches at the last word visibly. Jaebum exhales a shaky breath he had no idea he was holding. His fingers are quivering as he wraps them around Hyunwoo's wrist, his other hand grabbing Hyunwoo's chin to get him to look at him. Hyunwoo shudders a little at Jaebum's icy cold fingers brushing against his jaw.
"I can handle living without you." Jaebum hisses through gritted teeth before loosening his grip on Hyunwoo's chin.
His words hurt. It feels as though someone has stabbed him in the chest. But somewhere in that outburst, Hyunwoo spots a little self-assurance. Jaebum's words sounded like a vain effort to convince himself that he will be okay without Hyunwoo by his side.
Sure, Jaebum will be fine during the first few months, the first few years even, but Jaebum will always, always come back to Hyunwoo.
Either for solace or reassurance.
And Hyunwoo will be there, waiting, with arms outstretched, ready to accept the boy before him, regardless of how broken he was or how successful he was.
He will always be there for Jaebum, no matter how much the boy hurts him.
(Jaebum avoids him like the plague after the incident.)
-
Hyunwoo's spending lots of quality time with Jinyoung recently and he's infatuated with the boy's lovely smile and his crinkly eyes filled with mirth and sincerity.
There's something about Jinyoung that reminds Hyunwoo of home.
They were practicing together after Jaebum left to have dinner with Mark when suddenly they broke into a huge tickle fight, Jinyoung pinning Hyunwoo down on to the floor, jabbing at his sides, playfully.
Hyunwoo rolls over, sitting on the poor boy, tickling his sides when suddenly Jinyoung presses a warm palm over his nape and everything stills.
And Hyunwoo notices everything.
The proximity of their faces. The warmth emanating from their bodies. Their labored breathing.
Everything clears up and sharpens at that instant and Hyunwoo's leaning down to press his lips against Jinyoung's and he finds himself liking it a lot.
He likes the taste of Jinyoung's mouth and how soft his lips were, moving against his. He likes the way Jinyoung is mewling helplessly into his mouth, his sharp fingernails digging into Hyunwoo's arms as the older bites gently on his lower lip. Hyunwoo likes the roughness of his actions and the contrasting gentleness of his kisses. He likes how they move together, as though with practiced fluidity, whimpering sweet nothings into each other's necks before marking each other recklessly.
Jinyoung suddenly pushes him off, eyes brimming with tears.
"Don't." Jinyoung stops Hyunwoo when he places a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't kid yourself, come here."
Hyunwoo wraps a careful arm loosely around Jinyoung's waist.
"I just- can't believe you're leaving, hyung." He sniffles, burying his head into Hyunwoo's chest. Hyunwoo strokes his hair lovingly before pressing a soft kiss on the top of his head.
"But I am, and you know what? You're the best parting gift I've ever received." Hyunwoo chuckles softly, cupping Jinyoung's face with his palms. The younger frowns, tears already trickling down his beautiful, beautiful face.
"Don't put it that way, I hope I'm not just a parting gift to you."
Hyunwoo wipes Jinyoung's tears with the pads of his thumbs.
"Of course not. Even though we didn't spend a lot of time together, the times we shared will always mean a lot to me. You deserve so much more."
"But I've always wanted you. I don't want anyone else." Jinyoung shakes his head violently, fisting onto the fabric of Hyunwoo's shirt.
Hyunwoo stills, letting the boy soak his shirt with his tears. His stomach clenches out of queasiness.
"Why can't you hate me?" Hyunwoo mutters against Jinyoung's cheek before he presses a kiss on to Jinyoung's eyelid, thumbing the boy's fresh tears away.
"I've always chosen Jaebum over you but why do you still want me? Why do you hurt yourself?" Hyunwoo finds himself tearing up, clutching on to the boy before him.
Jinyoung wipes his face with shaky hands, swallowing thickly.
"You're different, hyung." Jinyoung starts, tone a little hesistant.
"When I'm with you, I'm happy. I forget the stresses and expectations of the people around me. And that's the thing about you, hyung. You don't expect anything from me, you just accept me wholly, with or without my flaws and insecurities." Jinyoung takes Hyunwoo's hand into his.
"My weaknesses become my strengths when I'm with you but at the same time, my strengths become my weaknesses too. And I can never explain how much I have always wanted you, and will always want you."
Jinyoung pauses to admire Hyunwoo a little, an affectionate smile on his lips, a finger coming up to trace Hyunwoo's jawline. He withdraws his hand eventually, an empty chuckle slipping out of his mouth.
"But like everyone else, you fell for Jaebum and his amazing personality, his killer b-boying skills and his melodic vocals."
Hyunwoo swallows the lump in his throat.
"But I totally understand, it's just too bad that I'm such a boring person right?" Jinyoung smiles sadly.
Guilt tugs at Hyunwoo's heartstrings and he inches closer to Jinyoung to wrap his arms around him, pressing their bodies together.
"I'm so sorry. It could've been you. I wished it was you." Hyunwoo murmurs into the crook of Jinyoung's neck, holding the boy close to him.
The only reason why Jinyoung reminded Hyunwoo of home was because he reminded Hyunwoo of Jaebum.
-
Hyunwoo spots Jaebum feeding Mark a spoonful of yogurt in the cafeteria and suddenly he's sick to the stomach. Jinyoung tugs on his arm, leading him to an empty table.
"Don't do this to yourself, you have to pick yourself up too. Last 3 days here, hyung. The least you can do is to enjoy."
Hyunwoo smiles, although a little forced. He mouths a "thank you" to Jinyoung before stuffing an egg roll into his mouth.
-
Seeing Jaebum with someone else, hurts. It hurts like a bitch.
Jaebum going to lunch with Mark, Jaebum walking into practice with an arm lazily slung around Mark's shoulders, Jaebum fooling around with Mark.
It was painful for Hyunwoo to even think about it then, but it's even more painful now when the scene is happening right before his eyes.
They're in the dance studio, waiting for the choreographer to arrive and Jaebum's practically snuggling up to Mark, complaining about the coldness of the room and how he should have worn a hoodie instead of a thin cotton shirt. Mark instantly wraps his arms around Jaebum, murmuring something about keeping him warm and Hyunwoo literally feels his heart sinking to the pits of his stomach, a certain bitterness in his mouth.
Luckily Jinyoung distracts him then, curling up next to him to talk about some new game he bought last night. And this is the thing that Hyunwoo finds most endearing about Jinyoung.
The way he talks animatedly, expressions genuine and truthful with the corners of his mouth twitching up (something he does whenever he's overly enthusiastic). The way he gesticulates dramatically and when he's too into it, he slips into his dialect unknowingly and it takes all of Hyunwoo's self-control to not kiss his pouty lips.
And Hyunwoo knows he's in deep trouble because he loves too easily and too much.
And belatedly he realizes that his slight admiration for Jinyoung has now taken over his entire heart.
-
"Hey, are you okay?" Mark asks softly, nudging at Jaebum's thigh with his foot.
Jaebum jolts, his busy mind coming back to reality.
"Yeah, what's up hyung?" Jaebum tries to maintain his lazy grin but Mark sees right through him.
Lies.
"You're a little out of it." Mark mutters, observing the scrawny boy in front of him. Jaebum shrugs, mentioning something about Mark overlooking things.
"Hyunwoo hyung is leaving tomorrow."
Jaebum winces at the mention of Hyunwoo's name. He struggles to keep his face calm, trying his best to remain unperturbed by Hyunwoo's departure, but he inwardly knows he's failing. Jaebum clears his throat, awkwardly shifting his position, drawing his knees to his chest.
"What about it?"
Mark doesn't buy it. He scoots closer to Jaebum, resting a hand on his knee.
"You're really not going to see him off? Offer him a goodbye maybe? The other trainees told me you guys were basically joint at the hip last time." Mark frowns when Jaebum chuckles quietly.
"Keyword: Last time. Just drop it hyung, I'm doing better without him anyway." Jaebum says nonchalantly.
"But-" Before Mark could continue, Jaebum interrupts, slinging an arm around Mark's shoulders, nuzzling into his neck. Mark feels his heart flutter in his chest.
"Besides, I've got you now." Jaebum whispers into pale skin, pressing his lips against Mark's neck.
Mark puts his argument to rest.
-
Hyunwoo stuffs the last of his things into his backpack, humming contentedly to a random song playing in his head.
It's his last day.
He can't believe that he's actually doing this. It's pretty surreal.
3 years of hard work, all going down the drain.
Perhaps it might be advantageous for him in the future, but he's sure it's won't be, any time soon.
"What's on your mind, pretty boy?" Jinyoung's voice startles him and he turns around to find Jinyoung leaning against his room's door frame.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have practice?"
Jinyoung walks into the room, a cheeky grin on his lips.
"I told them I wasn't feeling well, they told me to rest. So here I am!" Jinyoung laughs, his same tinkling laughter and Hyunwoo feels a surge of bitterness come over him because this might just be the last time he's hearing Jinyoung laugh like this.
Hyunwoo raises his eyebrows, folding his arms.
"Wow, that's kinda bad-ass. I'm impressed, Jinyoung." He nods in approval and Jinyoung smacks his arm.
"Have you packed everything?"
"Yup, I'm not leaving anything behind."
Maybe, except you.
Jinyoung sighs, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
"You don't have to leave." He mutters, eyes wistful.
Hyunwoo hates himself for making Jinyoung feel this way. He frames Jinyoung's face with his palms, looking at him with sincere eyes. Jinyoung exhales a shaky breath and Hyunwoo only moves closer.
"We've talked about this, Jinyoung. I don't have a say. And if it was up to me, I wouldn't want to leave." Hyunwoo sighs, tears stinging his eyes. "I don't want to leave you."
The last sentence comes out as a raspy whisper and Jinyoung hugs him, holding him close.
"You're going to find someone out there who's going to love you so much more than I will ever love you." Jinyoung mumbles when they pull back and Hyunwoo's heart cracks a little.
"We can still do this, you know? It's going to be tough but we can try? I-" Hyunwoo struggles to find the right words to say, wanting Jinyoung to fathom the matter at hand.
"Hyung, they're going to debut me and Jaebum as a sub-unit." Jinyoung drops the bomb and Hyunwoo tries his best not to break down. They lapse into silence, none of them saying anything for a while.
Hyunwoo breaks it.
"That doesn't change anything, Jinyoung. This doesn't mean we must stop seeing each other. I mean-"
"Hyung, this changes everything. You know it too, don't you?" Jinyoung's looking at his feet, distracting himself from looking at Hyunwoo's face. Hyunwoo looked too broken.
Hyunwoo knows exactly what Jinyoung's implying. With Jinyoung's debut, it would mean hectic schedules, a sudden influx of fans, lesser time for each other and Hyunwoo knows they won't be able to last if that happens.
"But I," I love you. The truth stayed lodged in Hyunwoo's throat. "I really care about you, Jinyoung."
Jinyoung smiles dejectedly.
"I really care about you too, which is why I don't want you to wait for me. Please don't let me be the burden on your shoulders, hyung."
But you're the only thing that's keeping me sane, Hyunwoo wants to argue, but he keeps quiet.
"Just so you know, I never ever regretted falling in love with you." Hyunwoo says, plastering a fake smile on his face before ruffling Jinyoung's hair affectionately.
Jinyoung beams.
-
It's been two weeks without Hyunwoo.
Jinyoung sprints out of practice sometimes to cry in the bathroom, sometimes facing the dirty mirrors, sometimes in the cubicles but most of the time, his heart yearns and breaks for the same thing.
Jaebum is putting up a strong facade, he drains all his energy practicing for debut. He doesn't rest, instead he overworks, singing until his throat hurts, voice raw and raspy.
Mark is concerned about him.
"You know," Mark says one day, when Jaebum wraps his arms around Mark's waist, the both of them resting on Jaebum's mattress.
"It's okay, not to be okay." Jaebum chuckles weakly.
"Okay, hyung." Jaebum replies, snuggling closer to Mark.
"You don't have to always be so strong, it's okay to cry sometimes. Besides, I'm here for you. You know that right?" Mark whispers into Jaebum's hair, before pressing a tender kiss on his jawline. Jaebum stills.
Mark cares for Jaebum, Jaebum doesn't care for himself. And that's the thing that's hurting the both of them.
"I don't know, what happened between you and Hyunwoo. And I know he's a part of your past and it's hard to let go. But just to let you know that I'm always here to listen and that I'm trying," Mark says, voice hushed and soft. His voice comes out in broken fragments and Jaebum hates the fact that he always ends up hurting the people around him. Mark inhales a deep breath before continuing.
"I'm trying my best to be a part of your present and your future."
Jaebum cries that night, tears wetting Mark's shirt, snot running down his nose, little hiccupy noises escaping his throat.
Mark felt at ease because for the first time, Jaebum let his guard down, unveiling his true feelings, clutching tightly on to the older male.
"It's okay," Mark whispers into Jaebum's hair.
"You're okay."
-
Jinyoung stares at his reflection in the mirror. The bags under his eyes are getting increasingly evident with every passing day and he mentally curses at his skin's condition.
"No amount of make up can cover this." He grimaces, fingers lightly touching the acne on his cheek.
At that instant, the door to the practice room swings open and an unfamiliar boy walks in, a duffel bag slung over his shoulder.
"Can I help you?" Jinyoung asks, still inspecting his face, an impassive look on his face.
The boy shifts and moves closer to Jinyoung, dropping his duffel bag on to the floor with a plonk.
"Hi? I'm Jackson, I'm kinda new here. I'm looking for Mark? Sajangnim told me to look for him since he speaks English and all." He replies in stunted Korean which sounds so foreign to Jinyoung's ears.
Jinyoung stifles a chuckle and finally turns around to look at the new boy.
Jinyoung is surprised.
Jackson looks good; with flawless skin, dark hair, fringe slightly matted to his forehead and he seemed to have strong shoulders, his physique muscular and sturdy.
"Uh, I'll bring you to him?" Jinyoung replies, swallowing the lump in his throat. Jackson beams in return, picking up his bag.
"Thanks so much! What's your name?" Jackson asks and Jinyoung gets slightly distracted by the way his biceps flex when he slings the bag on his shoulder.
"I'm Jinyoung."
"Jinyoung?"
Jinyoung nods, relishing in the way his name rolls of Jackson's tongue almost perfectly.
"Well Jinyoung, I hope we get closer in the future." Jackson says, resting his free hand on Jinyoung's shoulder.
Jinyoung smiles.
-
"Hey, Hyunwoo hyung?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me you'll never leave me okay?"
Hyunwoo smiles, ruffling Jaebum's hair.
"I won't."
-
People are going to fail you in life, and that's something we learn through experience.
Life, at times, may be a smooth sailing, well oiled machine.
However, just like all other machines, life will break down.
Things will start to break; a small crack will eventually grow bigger and finally it will implode into nothingness.
Promises, trust, friendships; everything will be broken and soon enough, forgotten.
Because just like broken machines, life will get repaired too.
Replacements will come in; sometimes in the form of golden opportunities, sometimes in the form of an ordinary boy with a dazzling smile and often, replacements come in with the true intention of fixing life; to make it as smooth sailing as before.
And it's our decision whether we should let them in and heal us or to simply be stubborn and try do better off without them.
Author's note (again): While writing this story, I got to reflect on life a lot and I hope you guys feel the same way as well~ i hope it's emotionally stimulating?? orz but then again go look shownu up and support him in starship's no mercy ;u; okay i'm out~
Pairing(s): JB/Hyunwoo, Jr/Hyunwoo, eventual JB/Mark, slight (like if you were to squint) Jr/Jackson
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3.9k
Author's Note: Written bc Shownu and Jaebum and basically Shownu, if you don't know who Shownu is then watch this
"Was it just me or was the routine harder this time round?" Jaebum slumps against the cool wall mirror, watching Hyunwoo closely with his peripheral vision.
It's past 2 in the morning, the lights are switched off and Jinyoung left an hour ago, leaving Jaebum and Hyunwoo in the chilly practice room, drenched in sweat, their limbs sore and pliant from strenuous practice.
Jaebum chuckles when Hyunwoo finally gives up, switching the sound system off with a click of a button. Hyunwoo plops himself next to Jaebum and although the room was dark, he had a feeling that the older boy's lips were wried in annoyance.
"You're being too hard on yourself, hyung."
Hyunwoo laughs albeit a little sadly, shaking his head lightly.
Jaebum's not the type to pity someone. He's not the type to pat someone on the back and say that everything's going to be okay because he knows that won't fix things. Words often have an effect on someone, Jaebum knows that well but he's also old enough to understand that life is a challenge and the going will only get rougher.
"Let's get food and head to the dorms." Jaebum suggests, packing the last of his things into his bag pack. Hyunwoo nods, toweling his perspiration off.
-
"Shall we get drinks?" Hyunwoo yawns as they make their way out of the jyp building. Jaebum clucks his tongue.
"We're not supposed to drink, we have to be up at 9 later."
"But chicken only goes well with beer."
Jaebum hesitates, sighing in frustration. Hyunwoo always had his way with things.
"Just a few okay? And you're paying for the chicken too."
"God, there goes my fucking weekly allowance."
Jaebum rolls his eyes.
"Oh come on, I bought you ramen last week."
"I practically buy you water all the time, you ungrateful bitch." Hyunwoo sneers and Jaebum elbows him in the ribs, eliciting a loud groan from the older male.
They order take-away and head for the dorms. Hyunwoo was unusually quiet tonight and Jaebum's slightly worried. But he doesn't question it.
-
They're tipsy. Both of them. They speak in long, hushed drawls, shoulders pressed against each others' as they lean against the wall of their shared room.
"You're very close to that American guy, now huh?" Hyunwoo starts, clearing his throat. He licks his lips, a little hesitant to hear Jaebum's reply.
"He's Taiwanese actually. And I guess you can say so? I'm kinda entrusted with the duty to look after him and make sure that he's adjusting well."
"Entrusted?" Hyunwoo scoffs and Jaebum's slightly taken aback.
"What's so funny?"
"You might want to lay it off a little, Jaebum-ah."
"Stop beating around the bush and tell me what is it."
"You're just doing whatever it takes to make you look good aren't you? Want that leader position so badly huh?" Hyunwoo laughs bitterly, chugging down on his beer. He's a brutally honest drunk and that's getting him nowhere because Jaebum has low tolerance for insults.
Jaebum's blood is boiling at the sudden accusation. After months of knowing each other, Hyunwoo should know better than to say something like that.
"Are you trying to say that I'm sucking ass just to be a leader for our future group? You best take those words back." Jaebum seethes, fingers crushing his empty beer can.
"Woah, woah. Calm down soldier, it's not really an insult. All I'm saying is that you're hella determined in getting what you want, it's a good thing, I guess?" Hyunwoo shrugs nonchalantly.
Jaebum keeps mum, opening another can of beer.
"What's his name again? Didn't catch it."
"His name is Mark Tuan."
"So how's Mark?"
Jaebum sighs, squirming a little to get into a more comfortable position.
"He has no skills, well not at the moment anyway. They're pushing him into vocal training but I have a feeling he's more rap oriented."
"And you should probably tell Sajangnim that. We should always trust Im Jaebum's intuitions."
Jaebum feels rage swimming in his veins.
"What's that supposed to mean? You're trying to say something again?" Jaebum raises his tone. Fuck formalities when Hyunwoo's obviously trying to pick a fight.
"You know what? Let's not fight anymore, we're both tired and slightly drunk and it's making us really cranky." Hyunwoo drawls, massaging his temples slightly. The younger huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.
"There's something I have to tell you." Hyunwoo breaks the silence, voice a little groggy from the alcohol.
"What is it?"
"I'm not doing too well here. Company's giving me a month to prove myself worthy for debut, I don't think I can-" Hyunwoo doesn't complete his sentence, instead he chuckles sadly before pursing his lips. Jaebum squints.
"Fuck you. Are you even listening to yourself? What the fuck man!" Jaebum yells, not giving two shits that the others are probably sleeping soundly in their rooms.
"Shhh, Jaebum, you're doing that adorable thing where you're being really loud again." Hyunwoo laughs, ignoring the serious situation at hand and Jaebum feels like lunging for his neck and snapping it in two.
"But yes, I'm leaving. I guess some things are just not cut out for me."
Jaebum can't believe his ears.
What on earth was Hyunwoo yapping about? He's darn good at dancing, he's even the choreographer's favorite student. He has a voice that could beat angels and he will only get better in the future. How could he be saying such things? He has no right, no fucking right. Especially after spending long hours training together, shedding blood, sweat and tears together, how dare Hyunwoo quit when they've only just begun?
"And also I'm thinking of studying again. Maybe I'll be back? In a few years or something but I don't know. I'm reconsidering my choices."
Hyunwoo sighs when he's done, taking a swig from Jaebum's can of beer, because he's all out of it. Jaebum doesn't stop him. He doesn't say anything. His lips are sealed into a thin line, his mouth dry.
"Jaebum-ah, do you not want me to leave?" Hyunwoo asks, voice soft and careful.
The last bit of Jaebum's sanity snaps.
"You know what? You can leave whenever you want. I don't give a fuck. People come and go and it isn't something new, well at least not for me." Jaebum expresses truthfully, words tumbling out of his mouth before he could even lace them with politeness.
Jaebum refuses to look at Hyunwoo in the eye.
"I may or may not miss you but that's not really the problem here isn't it? That's just something I have to live through. Life's shitty and it will only get shittier from here and I think I can handle that, hyung."
Hyunwoo flinches at the last word visibly. Jaebum exhales a shaky breath he had no idea he was holding. His fingers are quivering as he wraps them around Hyunwoo's wrist, his other hand grabbing Hyunwoo's chin to get him to look at him. Hyunwoo shudders a little at Jaebum's icy cold fingers brushing against his jaw.
"I can handle living without you." Jaebum hisses through gritted teeth before loosening his grip on Hyunwoo's chin.
His words hurt. It feels as though someone has stabbed him in the chest. But somewhere in that outburst, Hyunwoo spots a little self-assurance. Jaebum's words sounded like a vain effort to convince himself that he will be okay without Hyunwoo by his side.
Sure, Jaebum will be fine during the first few months, the first few years even, but Jaebum will always, always come back to Hyunwoo.
Either for solace or reassurance.
And Hyunwoo will be there, waiting, with arms outstretched, ready to accept the boy before him, regardless of how broken he was or how successful he was.
He will always be there for Jaebum, no matter how much the boy hurts him.
(Jaebum avoids him like the plague after the incident.)
-
Hyunwoo's spending lots of quality time with Jinyoung recently and he's infatuated with the boy's lovely smile and his crinkly eyes filled with mirth and sincerity.
There's something about Jinyoung that reminds Hyunwoo of home.
They were practicing together after Jaebum left to have dinner with Mark when suddenly they broke into a huge tickle fight, Jinyoung pinning Hyunwoo down on to the floor, jabbing at his sides, playfully.
Hyunwoo rolls over, sitting on the poor boy, tickling his sides when suddenly Jinyoung presses a warm palm over his nape and everything stills.
And Hyunwoo notices everything.
The proximity of their faces. The warmth emanating from their bodies. Their labored breathing.
Everything clears up and sharpens at that instant and Hyunwoo's leaning down to press his lips against Jinyoung's and he finds himself liking it a lot.
He likes the taste of Jinyoung's mouth and how soft his lips were, moving against his. He likes the way Jinyoung is mewling helplessly into his mouth, his sharp fingernails digging into Hyunwoo's arms as the older bites gently on his lower lip. Hyunwoo likes the roughness of his actions and the contrasting gentleness of his kisses. He likes how they move together, as though with practiced fluidity, whimpering sweet nothings into each other's necks before marking each other recklessly.
Jinyoung suddenly pushes him off, eyes brimming with tears.
"Don't." Jinyoung stops Hyunwoo when he places a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't kid yourself, come here."
Hyunwoo wraps a careful arm loosely around Jinyoung's waist.
"I just- can't believe you're leaving, hyung." He sniffles, burying his head into Hyunwoo's chest. Hyunwoo strokes his hair lovingly before pressing a soft kiss on the top of his head.
"But I am, and you know what? You're the best parting gift I've ever received." Hyunwoo chuckles softly, cupping Jinyoung's face with his palms. The younger frowns, tears already trickling down his beautiful, beautiful face.
"Don't put it that way, I hope I'm not just a parting gift to you."
Hyunwoo wipes Jinyoung's tears with the pads of his thumbs.
"Of course not. Even though we didn't spend a lot of time together, the times we shared will always mean a lot to me. You deserve so much more."
"But I've always wanted you. I don't want anyone else." Jinyoung shakes his head violently, fisting onto the fabric of Hyunwoo's shirt.
Hyunwoo stills, letting the boy soak his shirt with his tears. His stomach clenches out of queasiness.
"Why can't you hate me?" Hyunwoo mutters against Jinyoung's cheek before he presses a kiss on to Jinyoung's eyelid, thumbing the boy's fresh tears away.
"I've always chosen Jaebum over you but why do you still want me? Why do you hurt yourself?" Hyunwoo finds himself tearing up, clutching on to the boy before him.
Jinyoung wipes his face with shaky hands, swallowing thickly.
"You're different, hyung." Jinyoung starts, tone a little hesistant.
"When I'm with you, I'm happy. I forget the stresses and expectations of the people around me. And that's the thing about you, hyung. You don't expect anything from me, you just accept me wholly, with or without my flaws and insecurities." Jinyoung takes Hyunwoo's hand into his.
"My weaknesses become my strengths when I'm with you but at the same time, my strengths become my weaknesses too. And I can never explain how much I have always wanted you, and will always want you."
Jinyoung pauses to admire Hyunwoo a little, an affectionate smile on his lips, a finger coming up to trace Hyunwoo's jawline. He withdraws his hand eventually, an empty chuckle slipping out of his mouth.
"But like everyone else, you fell for Jaebum and his amazing personality, his killer b-boying skills and his melodic vocals."
Hyunwoo swallows the lump in his throat.
"But I totally understand, it's just too bad that I'm such a boring person right?" Jinyoung smiles sadly.
Guilt tugs at Hyunwoo's heartstrings and he inches closer to Jinyoung to wrap his arms around him, pressing their bodies together.
"I'm so sorry. It could've been you. I wished it was you." Hyunwoo murmurs into the crook of Jinyoung's neck, holding the boy close to him.
The only reason why Jinyoung reminded Hyunwoo of home was because he reminded Hyunwoo of Jaebum.
-
Hyunwoo spots Jaebum feeding Mark a spoonful of yogurt in the cafeteria and suddenly he's sick to the stomach. Jinyoung tugs on his arm, leading him to an empty table.
"Don't do this to yourself, you have to pick yourself up too. Last 3 days here, hyung. The least you can do is to enjoy."
Hyunwoo smiles, although a little forced. He mouths a "thank you" to Jinyoung before stuffing an egg roll into his mouth.
-
Seeing Jaebum with someone else, hurts. It hurts like a bitch.
Jaebum going to lunch with Mark, Jaebum walking into practice with an arm lazily slung around Mark's shoulders, Jaebum fooling around with Mark.
It was painful for Hyunwoo to even think about it then, but it's even more painful now when the scene is happening right before his eyes.
They're in the dance studio, waiting for the choreographer to arrive and Jaebum's practically snuggling up to Mark, complaining about the coldness of the room and how he should have worn a hoodie instead of a thin cotton shirt. Mark instantly wraps his arms around Jaebum, murmuring something about keeping him warm and Hyunwoo literally feels his heart sinking to the pits of his stomach, a certain bitterness in his mouth.
Luckily Jinyoung distracts him then, curling up next to him to talk about some new game he bought last night. And this is the thing that Hyunwoo finds most endearing about Jinyoung.
The way he talks animatedly, expressions genuine and truthful with the corners of his mouth twitching up (something he does whenever he's overly enthusiastic). The way he gesticulates dramatically and when he's too into it, he slips into his dialect unknowingly and it takes all of Hyunwoo's self-control to not kiss his pouty lips.
And Hyunwoo knows he's in deep trouble because he loves too easily and too much.
And belatedly he realizes that his slight admiration for Jinyoung has now taken over his entire heart.
-
"Hey, are you okay?" Mark asks softly, nudging at Jaebum's thigh with his foot.
Jaebum jolts, his busy mind coming back to reality.
"Yeah, what's up hyung?" Jaebum tries to maintain his lazy grin but Mark sees right through him.
Lies.
"You're a little out of it." Mark mutters, observing the scrawny boy in front of him. Jaebum shrugs, mentioning something about Mark overlooking things.
"Hyunwoo hyung is leaving tomorrow."
Jaebum winces at the mention of Hyunwoo's name. He struggles to keep his face calm, trying his best to remain unperturbed by Hyunwoo's departure, but he inwardly knows he's failing. Jaebum clears his throat, awkwardly shifting his position, drawing his knees to his chest.
"What about it?"
Mark doesn't buy it. He scoots closer to Jaebum, resting a hand on his knee.
"You're really not going to see him off? Offer him a goodbye maybe? The other trainees told me you guys were basically joint at the hip last time." Mark frowns when Jaebum chuckles quietly.
"Keyword: Last time. Just drop it hyung, I'm doing better without him anyway." Jaebum says nonchalantly.
"But-" Before Mark could continue, Jaebum interrupts, slinging an arm around Mark's shoulders, nuzzling into his neck. Mark feels his heart flutter in his chest.
"Besides, I've got you now." Jaebum whispers into pale skin, pressing his lips against Mark's neck.
Mark puts his argument to rest.
-
Hyunwoo stuffs the last of his things into his backpack, humming contentedly to a random song playing in his head.
It's his last day.
He can't believe that he's actually doing this. It's pretty surreal.
3 years of hard work, all going down the drain.
Perhaps it might be advantageous for him in the future, but he's sure it's won't be, any time soon.
"What's on your mind, pretty boy?" Jinyoung's voice startles him and he turns around to find Jinyoung leaning against his room's door frame.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have practice?"
Jinyoung walks into the room, a cheeky grin on his lips.
"I told them I wasn't feeling well, they told me to rest. So here I am!" Jinyoung laughs, his same tinkling laughter and Hyunwoo feels a surge of bitterness come over him because this might just be the last time he's hearing Jinyoung laugh like this.
Hyunwoo raises his eyebrows, folding his arms.
"Wow, that's kinda bad-ass. I'm impressed, Jinyoung." He nods in approval and Jinyoung smacks his arm.
"Have you packed everything?"
"Yup, I'm not leaving anything behind."
Maybe, except you.
Jinyoung sighs, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
"You don't have to leave." He mutters, eyes wistful.
Hyunwoo hates himself for making Jinyoung feel this way. He frames Jinyoung's face with his palms, looking at him with sincere eyes. Jinyoung exhales a shaky breath and Hyunwoo only moves closer.
"We've talked about this, Jinyoung. I don't have a say. And if it was up to me, I wouldn't want to leave." Hyunwoo sighs, tears stinging his eyes. "I don't want to leave you."
The last sentence comes out as a raspy whisper and Jinyoung hugs him, holding him close.
"You're going to find someone out there who's going to love you so much more than I will ever love you." Jinyoung mumbles when they pull back and Hyunwoo's heart cracks a little.
"We can still do this, you know? It's going to be tough but we can try? I-" Hyunwoo struggles to find the right words to say, wanting Jinyoung to fathom the matter at hand.
"Hyung, they're going to debut me and Jaebum as a sub-unit." Jinyoung drops the bomb and Hyunwoo tries his best not to break down. They lapse into silence, none of them saying anything for a while.
Hyunwoo breaks it.
"That doesn't change anything, Jinyoung. This doesn't mean we must stop seeing each other. I mean-"
"Hyung, this changes everything. You know it too, don't you?" Jinyoung's looking at his feet, distracting himself from looking at Hyunwoo's face. Hyunwoo looked too broken.
Hyunwoo knows exactly what Jinyoung's implying. With Jinyoung's debut, it would mean hectic schedules, a sudden influx of fans, lesser time for each other and Hyunwoo knows they won't be able to last if that happens.
"But I," I love you. The truth stayed lodged in Hyunwoo's throat. "I really care about you, Jinyoung."
Jinyoung smiles dejectedly.
"I really care about you too, which is why I don't want you to wait for me. Please don't let me be the burden on your shoulders, hyung."
But you're the only thing that's keeping me sane, Hyunwoo wants to argue, but he keeps quiet.
"Just so you know, I never ever regretted falling in love with you." Hyunwoo says, plastering a fake smile on his face before ruffling Jinyoung's hair affectionately.
Jinyoung beams.
-
It's been two weeks without Hyunwoo.
Jinyoung sprints out of practice sometimes to cry in the bathroom, sometimes facing the dirty mirrors, sometimes in the cubicles but most of the time, his heart yearns and breaks for the same thing.
Jaebum is putting up a strong facade, he drains all his energy practicing for debut. He doesn't rest, instead he overworks, singing until his throat hurts, voice raw and raspy.
Mark is concerned about him.
"You know," Mark says one day, when Jaebum wraps his arms around Mark's waist, the both of them resting on Jaebum's mattress.
"It's okay, not to be okay." Jaebum chuckles weakly.
"Okay, hyung." Jaebum replies, snuggling closer to Mark.
"You don't have to always be so strong, it's okay to cry sometimes. Besides, I'm here for you. You know that right?" Mark whispers into Jaebum's hair, before pressing a tender kiss on his jawline. Jaebum stills.
Mark cares for Jaebum, Jaebum doesn't care for himself. And that's the thing that's hurting the both of them.
"I don't know, what happened between you and Hyunwoo. And I know he's a part of your past and it's hard to let go. But just to let you know that I'm always here to listen and that I'm trying," Mark says, voice hushed and soft. His voice comes out in broken fragments and Jaebum hates the fact that he always ends up hurting the people around him. Mark inhales a deep breath before continuing.
"I'm trying my best to be a part of your present and your future."
Jaebum cries that night, tears wetting Mark's shirt, snot running down his nose, little hiccupy noises escaping his throat.
Mark felt at ease because for the first time, Jaebum let his guard down, unveiling his true feelings, clutching tightly on to the older male.
"It's okay," Mark whispers into Jaebum's hair.
"You're okay."
-
Jinyoung stares at his reflection in the mirror. The bags under his eyes are getting increasingly evident with every passing day and he mentally curses at his skin's condition.
"No amount of make up can cover this." He grimaces, fingers lightly touching the acne on his cheek.
At that instant, the door to the practice room swings open and an unfamiliar boy walks in, a duffel bag slung over his shoulder.
"Can I help you?" Jinyoung asks, still inspecting his face, an impassive look on his face.
The boy shifts and moves closer to Jinyoung, dropping his duffel bag on to the floor with a plonk.
"Hi? I'm Jackson, I'm kinda new here. I'm looking for Mark? Sajangnim told me to look for him since he speaks English and all." He replies in stunted Korean which sounds so foreign to Jinyoung's ears.
Jinyoung stifles a chuckle and finally turns around to look at the new boy.
Jinyoung is surprised.
Jackson looks good; with flawless skin, dark hair, fringe slightly matted to his forehead and he seemed to have strong shoulders, his physique muscular and sturdy.
"Uh, I'll bring you to him?" Jinyoung replies, swallowing the lump in his throat. Jackson beams in return, picking up his bag.
"Thanks so much! What's your name?" Jackson asks and Jinyoung gets slightly distracted by the way his biceps flex when he slings the bag on his shoulder.
"I'm Jinyoung."
"Jinyoung?"
Jinyoung nods, relishing in the way his name rolls of Jackson's tongue almost perfectly.
"Well Jinyoung, I hope we get closer in the future." Jackson says, resting his free hand on Jinyoung's shoulder.
Jinyoung smiles.
-
"Hey, Hyunwoo hyung?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me you'll never leave me okay?"
Hyunwoo smiles, ruffling Jaebum's hair.
"I won't."
-
People are going to fail you in life, and that's something we learn through experience.
Life, at times, may be a smooth sailing, well oiled machine.
However, just like all other machines, life will break down.
Things will start to break; a small crack will eventually grow bigger and finally it will implode into nothingness.
Promises, trust, friendships; everything will be broken and soon enough, forgotten.
Because just like broken machines, life will get repaired too.
Replacements will come in; sometimes in the form of golden opportunities, sometimes in the form of an ordinary boy with a dazzling smile and often, replacements come in with the true intention of fixing life; to make it as smooth sailing as before.
And it's our decision whether we should let them in and heal us or to simply be stubborn and try do better off without them.
Author's note (again): While writing this story, I got to reflect on life a lot and I hope you guys feel the same way as well~ i hope it's emotionally stimulating?? orz but then again go look shownu up and support him in starship's no mercy ;u; okay i'm out~