(no subject)
This post is long and unpleasant and I apologize. Those who wish to read it anyway, feel free. Those who do not, I would advise you skip this entry.
Sometimes I feel like my life is not progressing as I had expected it would. I find myself in situations I never thought I'd be in, faced with decisions I had hoped and prayed I would never have to make. How far have I fallen? It feels as though I have fallen very far off the path I had planned for myself yet in order for me to get back on I have to come to accept myself, including any and all decisions I have made because now that they are done, they are a part of me and who I am now regardless of whether or not it is who I was. It could have been worse. Although the saying is often used as a last resort in what always seems like desperate times to salvage morale, it still very often holds true.
Every so often I think back to the events that had occurred during my lifetime that I imagine I can never fully forget. Is it that I have never completely gotten over what has happened or are they things best not forgotten? Those experiences, even though so long ago, have still shaped who I am. A lot of people know by now that my niece died at 4 months old and most, if not all, also know the cruel details involved in her fate. As hard as it was for me to deal with, I can't even fathom how hard it was for my sister to deal with. My sister could not take any action because other lives were now at stake for the secrecy of the information she had. She had already lost her first child, her daughter, how could she bear to lose her sister. She guarded this secret for years before telling anyone, before telling me. I still don't know if even our parents know all the details of what happened. I will never forget what it looks like to see a 4 month old child in a casket even though it was near to 16 years ago. I will never forget how I felt when I saw her laying there. I could have sworn her chest was still rising and falling as if just asleep in a morbid crib. Even though my eyes seemed to deceive me, my heart would not. I knew that what I thought I saw was not the truth no matter how hard I wished it was. Later on, my sister had a son who was taken from her and given to her ex-husband's mother, my sister has been paying child support for her son since then and the woman that is supposed to be his guardian does not even use the money for the child and for some reason decided that it would be a great idea to smoke inside the house ... with no air circulation. The last time I saw him he was just a toddler who was angry at life and wandered around in a house filled with cigarette smoke with little to be happy about. I will never know how in the hell that was decided to be a suitable environment for a child. A third child was born, a boy, at 3 months old he died. I don't know how my sister got through all of that. There are so many more things my sister had to go through that I hope I never have to face. Things I will never mention because they are her secrets that she entrusted to me to never be revealed to another. Information I will take with me to the grave, as the saying goes, if she were to request it of me. As things go, I still get frustrated with her for some things, it cannot be avoided but never will I pass judgement on her. I do not think I could walk half the distance she has in her shoes and still have the will to face another day.
Then comes my friend Julie, who came as close to being a sister as one can possibly be without sharing the same blood. I watched her make similar decisions that my sister made in her youth and try as I did to guard her from them, it was to no avail. Julie went from one abusive boyfriend to another. There was more than one occasion where I went with her to pick up her belongings from one of their homes because she was scared to go alone. It was mentioned to me at one point that I walk in a way that gives the impression of being completely aware of my body and every slight movement it made. This part of my past is where it comes from. Although I think I have largely moved away from walking as such anymore, previously it was better to give off the vibe of being able to kick someone's ass than not giving off that vibe and having someone test you on it. Eventually, as Julie grew older she lost her sanity. She no longer lived in reality and it was a sad transformation to be a witness to.
Julie is not the only person I 'guarded' when I was younger. There was another friend of mine, who I will not name, that dated a man who, oddly enough, I did not like since the moment I saw him. He offered me a job in the back room of his workplace which I declined on intuition. Eventually, she had broken up with him and I later found out that he had been leaving threats on her answering machine. She had asked me to stay the night with her because she was scared. I later found out that he had been telling her that he could kill me and throw my body in the river and no one would ever find it. I wonder now if I stayed the night moreso so she could guard me than I her.
There are a lot of secrets I hold, events I feel better left not spoken. Sometimes I hold these demons back to protect my pride because I am ashamed of them but sometimes I hold them back to protect another. Do not be so hasty as to judge someone else. Could you really encounter the events they have, face their demons and do better? Life and love truly is precious. When you find it and you feel it, guard it with everything you are worth and every strength you have. It is worth so much more than petty differences.
Sometimes I feel like my life is not progressing as I had expected it would. I find myself in situations I never thought I'd be in, faced with decisions I had hoped and prayed I would never have to make. How far have I fallen? It feels as though I have fallen very far off the path I had planned for myself yet in order for me to get back on I have to come to accept myself, including any and all decisions I have made because now that they are done, they are a part of me and who I am now regardless of whether or not it is who I was. It could have been worse. Although the saying is often used as a last resort in what always seems like desperate times to salvage morale, it still very often holds true.
Every so often I think back to the events that had occurred during my lifetime that I imagine I can never fully forget. Is it that I have never completely gotten over what has happened or are they things best not forgotten? Those experiences, even though so long ago, have still shaped who I am. A lot of people know by now that my niece died at 4 months old and most, if not all, also know the cruel details involved in her fate. As hard as it was for me to deal with, I can't even fathom how hard it was for my sister to deal with. My sister could not take any action because other lives were now at stake for the secrecy of the information she had. She had already lost her first child, her daughter, how could she bear to lose her sister. She guarded this secret for years before telling anyone, before telling me. I still don't know if even our parents know all the details of what happened. I will never forget what it looks like to see a 4 month old child in a casket even though it was near to 16 years ago. I will never forget how I felt when I saw her laying there. I could have sworn her chest was still rising and falling as if just asleep in a morbid crib. Even though my eyes seemed to deceive me, my heart would not. I knew that what I thought I saw was not the truth no matter how hard I wished it was. Later on, my sister had a son who was taken from her and given to her ex-husband's mother, my sister has been paying child support for her son since then and the woman that is supposed to be his guardian does not even use the money for the child and for some reason decided that it would be a great idea to smoke inside the house ... with no air circulation. The last time I saw him he was just a toddler who was angry at life and wandered around in a house filled with cigarette smoke with little to be happy about. I will never know how in the hell that was decided to be a suitable environment for a child. A third child was born, a boy, at 3 months old he died. I don't know how my sister got through all of that. There are so many more things my sister had to go through that I hope I never have to face. Things I will never mention because they are her secrets that she entrusted to me to never be revealed to another. Information I will take with me to the grave, as the saying goes, if she were to request it of me. As things go, I still get frustrated with her for some things, it cannot be avoided but never will I pass judgement on her. I do not think I could walk half the distance she has in her shoes and still have the will to face another day.
Then comes my friend Julie, who came as close to being a sister as one can possibly be without sharing the same blood. I watched her make similar decisions that my sister made in her youth and try as I did to guard her from them, it was to no avail. Julie went from one abusive boyfriend to another. There was more than one occasion where I went with her to pick up her belongings from one of their homes because she was scared to go alone. It was mentioned to me at one point that I walk in a way that gives the impression of being completely aware of my body and every slight movement it made. This part of my past is where it comes from. Although I think I have largely moved away from walking as such anymore, previously it was better to give off the vibe of being able to kick someone's ass than not giving off that vibe and having someone test you on it. Eventually, as Julie grew older she lost her sanity. She no longer lived in reality and it was a sad transformation to be a witness to.
Julie is not the only person I 'guarded' when I was younger. There was another friend of mine, who I will not name, that dated a man who, oddly enough, I did not like since the moment I saw him. He offered me a job in the back room of his workplace which I declined on intuition. Eventually, she had broken up with him and I later found out that he had been leaving threats on her answering machine. She had asked me to stay the night with her because she was scared. I later found out that he had been telling her that he could kill me and throw my body in the river and no one would ever find it. I wonder now if I stayed the night moreso so she could guard me than I her.
There are a lot of secrets I hold, events I feel better left not spoken. Sometimes I hold these demons back to protect my pride because I am ashamed of them but sometimes I hold them back to protect another. Do not be so hasty as to judge someone else. Could you really encounter the events they have, face their demons and do better? Life and love truly is precious. When you find it and you feel it, guard it with everything you are worth and every strength you have. It is worth so much more than petty differences.