Why am I such a funny / magically wonderful human being?
1. You wanted me to do this. I already wanted to, but I will use your pressure as an excuse. Your long-ago wardrobe insults bounce off me, 'cause really, you used to be punk.
2. The antithesis of yellow fever, you have your own opinions about the pronunciation of your surname. Dr. Lenny was pissy 'cause you left this morning. I had to cheer her up with my remarkable wit and death-defying Deep Springs application.
3. Beast - we represent the next Greatest Generation. Except not because we fought a World War - rather, because we smoked too much lush and formed a writing movement in high school.
4. The other, other one with too much affection for Juniors, you were a bitch to me in 8th grade. You've since improved to the point where I'll actually allow you to sit next to me in Art History (despite your god-awful smell). Fine, just one Junior. But what a Junior!
5. The other one with too much affection for Juniors, you were a bitch to me a month ago (or, he says diplomatically, I was a bitch to you) . We and Mr. Kagan have since improved. You appreciate my wordplays as they were meant to be appreciated.
Wait, so who's the one with too much affection for Juniors? Hmm.
6. What was that? A moment of social awkwardness? Whatever, at least you'll always be more socially awkward than I am (PS - sorry we left you out of our writing movement - want to join?).
7. You have no friends (your presence on my Friends list is simply reciprocal), an amazing ability to sneak up on people, and an existence that confounds and distresses me.
8. Come and dance with me, I once noticed while stoned that your name is the same as #3's if you take #3's, flip it around, put the letters M-a in front of it, and pronounce diphthongs the Latin way.
9. You add a little colour to LiveJournal... literally and literaturely (#5, HA - HA!). I guess yellow is a colour, so there's already a lot of colour, but it's such an ugly colour. I haven't seen that weird arm waving thing you do when stoned in forever.
10. You're from Philly, home of the Philly - already, you're cooler than the average Lithuanian.
11. I unintentionally rejected a beer from you at a Bright Eyes concert. Then you got all pissy and I got all 'What'd I do?' and I almost pulled a Conor and cried, but not really, because I'm a man.
12. I saw you hidden up in those trees after I'd burned a tree too far. Don't think I didn't. And don't think I don't know that it's illegal to smoke or climb trees in the park. One of the cuter members of my stalkers.
13. You say you can drink me under the table. I say that sounds dirty. I say you say you hate me, (I mean, I do insult your girlfriend boyfriend regularly - I'm just kidding, I swear! It's too good a joke to drop now!), but I say we're friends. Mutually, no less.
14. I got such a series of good burns in on you last year, I think it's only fair to make you a saint one of my 15 friends. Alright, fine, I don't have enough real friends who I feel like saying shit about. You're cool, in that you-like-to-wear-brightly-coloured-clothing-and-earrings kind of way. It's a way, seriously - I'm not being sarcastic!
15. And one for all those I've forgotten / purposefully ignored.
Italics = ironically done.
2. The antithesis of yellow fever, you have your own opinions about the pronunciation of your surname. Dr. Lenny was pissy 'cause you left this morning. I had to cheer her up with my remarkable wit and death-defying Deep Springs application.
3. Beast - we represent the next Greatest Generation. Except not because we fought a World War - rather, because we smoked too much lush and formed a writing movement in high school.
4. The other, other one with too much affection for Juniors, you were a bitch to me in 8th grade. You've since improved to the point where I'll actually allow you to sit next to me in Art History (despite your god-awful smell). Fine, just one Junior. But what a Junior!
5. The other one with too much affection for Juniors, you were a bitch to me a month ago (or, he says diplomatically, I was a bitch to you) . We and Mr. Kagan have since improved. You appreciate my wordplays as they were meant to be appreciated.
Wait, so who's the one with too much affection for Juniors? Hmm.
6. What was that? A moment of social awkwardness? Whatever, at least you'll always be more socially awkward than I am (PS - sorry we left you out of our writing movement - want to join?).
7. You have no friends (your presence on my Friends list is simply reciprocal), an amazing ability to sneak up on people, and an existence that confounds and distresses me.
8. Come and dance with me, I once noticed while stoned that your name is the same as #3's if you take #3's, flip it around, put the letters M-a in front of it, and pronounce diphthongs the Latin way.
9. You add a little colour to LiveJournal... literally and literaturely (#5, HA - HA!). I guess yellow is a colour, so there's already a lot of colour, but it's such an ugly colour. I haven't seen that weird arm waving thing you do when stoned in forever.
10. You're from Philly, home of the Philly - already, you're cooler than the average Lithuanian.
11. I unintentionally rejected a beer from you at a Bright Eyes concert. Then you got all pissy and I got all 'What'd I do?' and I almost pulled a Conor and cried, but not really, because I'm a man.
12. I saw you hidden up in those trees after I'd burned a tree too far. Don't think I didn't. And don't think I don't know that it's illegal to smoke or climb trees in the park. One of the cuter members of my stalkers.
13. You say you can drink me under the table. I say that sounds dirty. I say you say you hate me, (I mean, I do insult your girlfriend boyfriend regularly - I'm just kidding, I swear! It's too good a joke to drop now!), but I say we're friends. Mutually, no less.
14. I got such a series of good burns in on you last year, I think it's only fair to make you a saint one of my 15 friends. Alright, fine, I don't have enough real friends who I feel like saying shit about. You're cool, in that you-like-to-wear-brightly-coloured-clothing-and-earrings kind of way. It's a way, seriously - I'm not being sarcastic!
15. And one for all those I've forgotten / purposefully ignored.
Italics = ironically done.