Circle Game
Title: Circle Game
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan, Xiumin/Chen, implied Baekhyun/Chen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,927
Warning: Character death
Summary: Minseok is stuck in Jongdae’s memory and it hurts Luhan. (Ano Hana!AU)
Notes: My 2013 sncj_santa entry! Written for noxiouscherries. Thanks to onyu for the beta! Also posted here.
Minseok runs in the middle of the city forest. The night is cold but he doesn’t seem to care. It’s chilly; the crisp autumn air cuts his skin and it stings, painful enough that he can hardly keep his eyes open while running around the woods. When he’s gone far enough from where he began, he stops, holding on to the nearest reachable tree, a hand on his knees, panting as he tries to even out his breathing. He inhales a generous amount of air and chokes at the cool sensation in his throat, beads of tears forming at the corner of his eyes. He's coughing so hard, he feels as if he's going to puke his lungs out. He pounds his chest with a clenched fist and when he’s finally back to proper breathing, he wipes the sweat off his forehead with the sleeves of his polo only to drop his arms back very quickly, wiping the now wet sleeves with his hand.
“Shit. Shit,” Minseok mutters. “Sorry Jongdae,” he continues, still rubbing the sleeves with his palm. He looks around and realizes he’s just a few meters away from the highway. He squints when he sees a familiar figure walking over the sidewalk to take the small trail up the hilly side of the forest. It’s a familiar entrance, Minseok recognizes.
When the person looks at his direction, Minseok straightens up. “Shit,” he grunts and runs again.
It’s been three days since Minseok learned about Baekhyun’s antics. They had agreed way back, that particular Wednesday six years ago, never to mention Jongdae's name again. Jongdae had gone and was never to be seen again. He’s dead. He’s dead, Minseok reiterates. He isn’t entirely sure how seriously “crazy” Baekhyun has become but when he first told everyone about seeing Jongdae again, Minseok never found it funny. He still doesn’t find it funny-it never is, never was, never will be. It irks him a lot but it has shaken him. If it weren’t for their friends, the moment Baekhyun mentioned about Jongdae “returning” to them, he would've punched the other square in the face. He doesn’t really care if Baekhyun’s serious about it, especially when he can see how honest his eyes were when he spoke about it, maybe a little worried and confused, too with the way the words were formed, which wasn’t really fine at all, at least for Minseok. He still thinks it’s a complete mockery.
He stabs his pancake with his fork too hard it hits the plate and makes a loud clank of steel against china. Luhan quickly looks at him, brows raised.
“What’s wrong?” Luhan asks, munching on his morning snack.
Minseok hisses instead of answering, closing his eyes for a moment. He drops the fork and stands up.
“Wait, where are you going?” Luhan gulps on his water and runs after Minseok who has almost reached the exit of the cafeteria. When he finally catches up with the other’s pace, Luhan holds Minseok by the arm to slow him down. “Is it Baekhyun?”
Minseok slows down. “He’s crazy,” he mumbles, apparently mad in his tone.
“Knew it,” Luhan says, loosening his grasp around Minseok’s arm. “Don’t think about it too much,” he continues, tapping the other on his shoulder gently. Luhan smiles and Minseok, although hesitant, smiles back.
“Do you think he’s crazy, too?” Minseok asks, this time a lot more calmer.
“Maybe,” Luhan answers and shrugs. He then holds Minseok’s hand, pulling him gently as if telling him to run. “We’re gonna be late. Class in five minutes.”
Minseok and Luhan are the last to arrive when Yixing phoned them for a meeting at their old “base”. It’s a small hut, shanty-looking but still neat and cozy inside. Everyone heaves a sigh when they enter; there is a rush of nostalgia except that it feels heavy than pleasing.
“I know you’re mad at Baekhyun but don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Luhan reminds Minseok and the latter just nods. He hasn’t really seen Baekhyun again since he started babbling about Jongdae’s return and he really isn’t sure how he's supposed to react when he sees him again. If it isn’t for Luhan and his calm nerves, he will definitely not have any second doubts throwing a fist on Baekhyun’s face, which is the first thing he sees when he enters.
Baekhyun’s seated on the table, legs hanging on the edge. His eyes seem darker than he last saw him; that or it’s just the lighting. He's pale, possibly even more than the usual. He gasps a little in surprise. Something tells Minseok that Baekhyun isn't expecting to see him, isn't too pleased to see him, but the sight of Luhan holding Minseok by an arm eases the alarm written on his face a little.
“Minseokie!”
Minseok jumps and steps back but Yixing successfully flings his arms around him, pulling Minseok back to his place in a tight hug. “I thought you’d never come!” he exclaims excitedly. Yixing pulls away right after, a smile plastered on his face.
“You’ve never changed,” Minseok says, smiling back. He then looks at Chanyeol who sits on a chair at the corner, raising a hand and smiling at them, and Baekhyun who shyly bows his head.
“How are you?” Luhan greets and Yixing hugs him, too.
“I’m great!” Yixing answers promptly. “I’m really excited to see you guys again! And it’s gonna be fun because Baekhyun said we’re gonna do something for Jongdae!”
Nice. Bomb dropped.
Minseok flinches, swiftly shifting his eyes to Yixing. Luhan remains calm; however, his smile disappears. Baekhyun buries his face in one of his hands and Chanyeol keeps his eyes away from everyone else. Yixing’s expression slowly turns into an awkward grin, sensing how uneasy the atmosphere has suddenly become. There's silence for a few seconds, and Yixing's the only one who dares to move, tense and a bit scared, confused as to who he's supposed to talk (or apologize) to.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“Is this Baekhyun’s idea?” Minseok cuts. Luhan tries to pull the sleeves of Minseok’s shirt but he moves away from the other, throwing a stern look at everyone. Yixing has his lips parted, a series of stumbling words coming out of his mouth. He starts to panic more when Minseok walks past him and stops close to Baekhyun.
“You believe him?” Minseok asks, looking at Yixing who nods reluctantly.
“This is ridiculous.”
“L-let him speak first,” Chanyeol finally speaks. “Listen, at least.”
Minseok feels like everyone’s ganging up on him, even when he knows he has Luhan on his side. Yixing and Chanyeol may sound and look sceptical but he doesn’t understand how they are giving Baekhyun a chance. No one speaks about Jongdae; they all promised--he can't understand why everyone's breaking it.
“I’m out of this,” Minseok utters. He turns around and swiftly aims for the door. He expects Luhan to stop him, probably fingers curled around his arm again, but it doesn’t happen.
“He says he wants to see us together,” Baekhyun mumbles weakly, almost inaudible but Minseok hears it, turning around before he can put a foot past the door.
“He,” Minseok repeats. He doesn’t raise it but Baekhyun looks at him in the eye. Minseok ignores how real they are but he refuses to see it.
“Jongdae,” Baekhyun clarifies. He moves his sight over Minseok’s shoulder, beside Luhan who still stands next to the door. It’s as if somebody exists right next to the entrance when it’s just air, nothing else. Minseok notices. He hisses and heaves a deep sigh, closing his eyes as he takes in a generous amount of air, exhaling it slowly. He hears Luhan call him as if reminding him to calm down no matter how Baekhyun may get on his nerve. He is trying but he’s not expecting it to happen early.
“He says he wants his wish to happen,” Baekyun continues. He sounds a lot less confident but he says it anyway.
“No one sees him!” Minseok exclaims, making everyone jerk in surprise. “It’s only you, Baekhyun! No one sees him but you!”
No one speaks and Baekhyun shifts his eyes away from Minseok again. It irks the latter a lot.
“You can’t even look at me. You’re crazy,” Minseok mutters. “Is this what happens to people who don’t go to school?” he continues, followed by a scoff. Baekhyun clenches his fist, arms shaking but he doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. “Well, I should’ve expected. Staying in your house for the rest of the semester sounds terrible.”
“Minseok!” Luhan yells. “Enough.”
“So stop Baekhyun,” Minseok says, his words overlapping with Luhan’s. “Jongdae is dead . He is not here.”
“I saw him, too,” Chanyeol speaks right after Minseok who throws an astonished look at the other. Luhan is surprised but he remains calm, Yixing’s mouth is gaping and Baekhyun’s face is basically a mix of hope, surprise, confusion, and a tinge of mistrust.
When no one speaks, Chanyeol takes it as a cue to explain. “I saw him last night,” he begins. “He’s still has the same clothes he wore when he died. Am I right, Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun still has his confounded look on and nods slowly.
“Last Wednesday. I was on my way back home when I stopped by the forest entrance,” Chanyeol continues, looking at everyone as he speaks. “I heard a rustling sound and I saw a figure from one of the trees. I wasn’t scared for some reason so I walked closer. I saw him. He ran away. But I saw him.”
A chill runs down Minseok’s spine and Luhan turns around, looking at him in utter disbelief. When they all look at Baekhyun, he still has his eyes locked on Chanyeol. They’re speechless. Everyone is.
“This is not funny at all,” Minseok says, voice shaking as he steps back slowly. He isn’t believing it, he definitely isn’t. He knows what Chanyeol is saying isn’t true. He steps further away, one step with each passing second until finally turns around and runs, pushing the door with much force. Luhan gives everyone an apologetic look, bowing his head thrice and runs after Minseok. Yixing groans in disappointment. Chanyeol remains silent.
“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun mumbles. “I guess this is not gonna be easy, Jongdae.”
It’s a Wednesday night and Minseok finds himself running in the forest yet again. He stays away from the edge near the highway although frequently looking at his side, checking if there is somebody by the sidewalk. He takes the wider walkway that steers away from the concrete. It’s an upward hill and it goes steeper as he goes deeper inside the woods.
“Jongdae?”
Minseok’s heart skips a beat when he hears somebody speak. He runs toward the nearest wide tree and hides behind it, a clenched hand on his chest. He peeks and listens as the person speak Jongdae’s name again. Yixing, Minseok recognizes the voice. The sound of soles stepping on dry leaves grows louder, suggesting it’s moving towards his direction. He curls under the tree, arms hugging his legs, knees together, head rested on it. He stays there until he hears Jongdae’s name for the third time-the last time. The footsteps stop and Yixing’s voice disappears.
He’s safe for now.
“I guess it’s just us now,” Luhan tells Minseok one afternoon right after lunch. It’s a free hour and Luhan decides that they spend it in the library. Normally, Minseok would say no when Luhan asks him to stay in the library during free cuts, so it comes as a surprise when Minseok follows him right after the announcement.
“Us what?” Minseok asks, poking the spine of the pile of books in front of him (Luhan plans to borrow them for his reading spree tonight) as he rests his arms on the table, leaning and resting his head on it.
“Yixing said he saw Jongdae last Wednesday,” Luhan whispers but he keeps his eyes on the book he’s reading. Minseok remains slouched on the chair, fingers still playing with the book spines. “Us who haven’t seen Jongdae yet,” he mumbles.
“Do you believe them?” Luhan asks, turning from his book to Minseok this time.
The look on Minseok's face doesn't change. He's been expecting the question.. “I know they’re lying,” he says, trying to sound as nonchalant and uninterested as possible, but it comes out as a statement more than an open-ended sentence. Luhan chuckles; Luhan must be judging him.
“That or they’re being lied at,” Luhan says, closing the book he’s reading. He places it on the other side of the table and grabs a new one from the stack.
“What do you mean?” Minseok asks, rising from his droop, fixing his posture, curious yet alarmed.
“Nothing. Brainwashed?” Luhan answers promptly.
“Are you one of them?”
“I said it’s just us now,” Luhan reminds, shifting his eyes from the book to Minseok’s face alternatingly. At one point, he pauses and stares at the other intently as if examining his features. “You got darker circles around your eyes,” he suddenly comments. He reaches for Minseok’s face and traces a finger around his left eye, circling it once and then another. “Large difference,” he says, a hand still on Minseok’s face. “What have you been up to lately?”
Minseok is half-flushed, half-scared and he finds himself stuttering. “Nothing. S-school stuff,” he says, tilting his head so it’s away from Luhan’s touch. The latter smiles but when he shifts back to what he is reading, it suddenly disappears.
There is something awkward and uneasy bubbling inside Minseok, he’s almost tempted to ask Luhan if he’s more bothered than him but he decides not to ask it. He won’t get an honest answer anyway. Luhan will never tell him. He wonders how he’s managed to be friends with Luhan for years when they’d never be honest to each other most of the time, if not always. Not that it isn’t absolutely bad because at some point in time, it works for Minseok at the very least. Especially this time.
It’s a Wednesday and Yixing has invited Luhan and Minseok to the base. It does not come as a surprise for Luhan, who finally stops being indifferent towards Jongdae’s return, when Minseok refuses to go with him. He does not bother persuading him not to go, not even mentioning how he probably finds Luhan accepting the invitation as a form of betrayal. Sort of.
Luhan understands, though. And by “he understands” he means he tolerates. Minseok’s excuse is that he’s going to work on their school project tonight. It’s a lie, Luhan knows, but he lets it pass.
Minseok isn’t really uninterested, Luhan can feel it. It shows in his eyes that as much as he’s hurting; he wants everyone’s company, he misses everyone’s company yet he refuses to see them. Maybe it’s Baekhyun and the fact that he’s the first to drift away from them and now he’s coming back to them with the silly idea of Jongdae appearing to him. Or perhaps it’s Jongdae because no matter how often they may attempt to see each other, he will never come back. They will never be complete.
Or maybe it’s Minseok himself.
Luhan wants to help Minseok. He wants him to realize that as much as he is still in distraught over Jongdae’s death, he needs to move on. It’s just that Luhan doesn’t know where to start; the fact that Minseok doesn’t want to help himself makes it a lot difficult for him, for both of them. When everyone’s gone with their own ways, particularly from that day when Jongdae died, it’s Luhan who’s stuck with him until now. But it’s no longer the same. Minseok has changed.
Minseok is stuck. It hurts Luhan.
“Do you think Minseok is okay?”
Luhan looks up from his seat outside the door. Baekhyun is next to him, both hands inside the pockets of his jacket, looking at the clear night sky. They don't normally share a conversation, so it comes as a pleasant surprise. He smiles and looks at the same direction, too.
“He isn’t,” Luhan says.
“Knew you’d say it,” Baekhyun reacts. He lowers himself, crouching next to Luhan. “I pissed him off, didn’t I? He thinks I’m crazy.”
“We all think you are,” Luhan kids, chuckling right after. He thinks it’s going to be an awkward exchange but for some reason he finds himself comfortable enough to joke around with Baekhyun.
“Thanks,” Baekhyun laughs, too. He inhales, stretching his arms, and he yawns, somehow relaxing.
“He needs time, I guess,” Luhan says. Baekhyun blinks at him, wondering, but then realizes Luhan is talking about Minseok so he listens. “He’s confused.”
“Everyone is. I am, too,” Baekhyun mumbles. He curls more this time, arms wrapping around his legs. “I really want him to help us. Jongdae wants him to…”
Baekhyun trails off when he mentions Jongdae’s name, a tinge of panic staining his eyes. Luhan notices and he smiles at Baekhyun in lieu of an “It’s okay, carry on.” Baekhyun catches and he continues. “Jongdae wants us to be complete again.”
Luhan doesn’t say anything, letting Baekhyun’s words drown in their silence. Then he moves, rising from his seat, dusting his pants.
“For Jongdae, please help me,” Baekhyun says, pleading.
Luhan doesn’t look at him. He nods. “For Jongdae,” he repeats and walks away. And for Minseok.
Luhan stands behind a tree, checking his wristwatch from time to time. It’s still a Wednesday, quarter past ten in the evening, so he shouldn’t be too late. He puts on his earbuds and plays music to entertain him while waiting, but he stops halfway when he hears a rustling sound nearby. He immediately stuffs the cables in his bag and ducks, making sure he’s not to be seen behind the tree. And he’s not disappointed. He sees the person, moving swiftly through the woods. He’s quick as if he’s fleeing from something and Luhan follows him, keeping a safe distance so that he remains unnoticeable. When he stops, Luhan stops. When he runs, Luhan walks briskly, catching up with the speed although quietly. It’s difficult but he manages to keep the person in his sight.
Luhan halts when the person stops by a tree, a hand on it as he breathes heavily. Knowing that they won’t be moving until he’s done catching up with proper breathing, Luhan takes it as the most opportune to show up so he gulps for air and exhales slowly. He can do this.
“Jongdae,” Luhan whispers and the person jerks in surprise. He bends his legs as if aiming to run, looking around, searching for where the voice is coming from. Before he sprints away, Luhan runs and jumps over the bushes so that he’s directly behind the person.
“Don’t run!” Luhan shouts when the person ignores him and puts a foot forward, all set to run. Luhan doesn’t bother catching up. He remains in his place and gathers all his strength, parting his lips and yells.
“Kim Minseok!”
Minseok stops but he doesn’t turn around, stuck with one foot stepped forward.
“Why do you run away? Why do you always run away?” Luhan then asks. He tones down, lowering his voice. He sounds desperate although he never intends to make it sound like he is. He walks forward and Minseok takes one step further away. “Don’t run, Minseok. I know it’s you.”
Minseok still has his back on Luhan although he gathers his feet in place, head bowed down, a hand holding onto a trunk of the tree next to him. Luhan walks faster until he’s an inch behind the other. “You’re wearing Jongdae’s clothes.”
“These are mine,” Minseok clarifies. He sounds furious but he keeps it in.
“Chanyeol and Yixing. You’re the one they saw,” Luhan follows up and he sees in the dimness of the moonlit woods how Minseok’s hands clench hard that they shake.
Luhan extends an arm, reaching for Minseok’s shoulder. “You knew all along, didn’t you?” Minseok asks and Luhan pauses, his fingers hanging in the air.
Luhan nods and lowers his hand. He steps one more until he’s closer to Minseok. He is hesitant, afraid of how the other might react to this but he does it anyway: his hands move past Minseok’s body, then his arms, and he wraps them around the other’s waist. He hears Minseok gasp in surprise but he tightens it, pulling the other to a hug while he rests his forehead on his nape.
“Please stop,” Luhan whispers. He requests.
“You know nothing, Luhan,” Minseok says.
Luhan shakes his head. “No. No, Minseok. I know everything. Please stop taking the burden. It’s unnecessary. Don’t blame yourself.”
Minseok raises his head at Luhan’s words, eyes slowly widening. His heart is beating fast and he can feel his energy slipping from his fingertips. His knees are shaking. “Luhan, you’re out of this-”
“Minseok, again. Please stop. It hurts seeing you like this…” Luhan trails off.
Minseok suddenly turns around, breaking himself away from Luhan’s arms wrapped around him. “It hurts? You’re hurting?” he asks, his voice escalating to a volume. “Why? Because… because you think I’m pathetic doing this? You don’t understand, Luhan!”
“I do, Minseok! I do!” Luhan yells back, tears welling at the corner of his eyes. “I know you liked Jongdae. I know you confessed to him before he died and that you’re taking the blame for his death. You think you should be haunted instead, but you aren’t. Minseok, please. No one deserves the blame. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this to us. To me, please,” he continues, voice dying down as he begins to cry, sniffing, raising his head to keep the tears from falling although unsuccessfully. “Stop lying to us.”
Minseok is flabbergasted. He doesn’t know what to say, how to react.He has never mentioned anything to Luhan about this, about how he actually feels about Jongdae’s death. He wonders if he’s made himself too open for Luhan to read.
“I’m doing this for Jongdae,” Minseok mumbles when he finally gathers himself out of shock.
“You’re doing this for yourself.”
Minseok wants to rebut but he suddenly finds it hard to rationalize his actions. “Baekhyun sees him but I can’t,” he suddenly utters instead, out of the blue, knowing that his argument cannot be defended. He sounds mad, bitter.
“Yet you still believed him. Don’t deny, I know you did. You still do,” Luhan says as if it’s a very apparent fact. “Look at me,” he orders when Minseok steers his sight away. When Minseok does although reluctantly, he continues. “You just refused to do so because you hated the idea of Jongdae appearing only to Baekhyun.”
Minseok bows his head, shoulders starting to shake. “What do you want to happen?”
“Help us. And Jongdae. This isn’t his place anymore.”
“You’re one of them-.”
“I’m on your side,” Luhan cuts off. “I’m doing what Baekhyun wants because I want to help you.”
“I don’t need any help-”
“You say that when you’re here, wearing Jongdae’s clothes, wandering in the forest as if you’re his ghost,” Luhan says and he doesn’t care if his words sound sharp and hurtful. He is desperate and he wants Minseok to realize things on his own.
“Leave me alone,” Minseok tells Luhan imperatively as he wipes a tear rolling down his cheek.
“I won’t.”
“Leave.”
“Minseok.”
“I don’t need your help! Please leave me-”
Luhan grabs Minseok and presses their lips together. Minseok freezes, and Luhan loses all the feeling in his hands. He can feel his heartbeat racing, the pounding in Minseok's chest rivaling of his own. His hands are shaking, but his grip on Minseok's wrist is tight. It's as if he doesn't want to let go.
It’s a random yet desperate move. It isn't the smartest move to drive a point, but he hopes that, by being honest, Minseok will understand by he's begging him to stop. He knows Minseok is in love with Jongdae and that he'll never win against the latter -- that, alone, is already painful, but when Minseok refuses to accept their friend’s death, and worse, deceives himself that his ghost is living within himself, it almost is unbearable for Luhan to accept. Minseok may never reciprocate, may never love him back as much as Luhan wants him to, but he doesn’t care much about it right now.
Luhan recognizes how probably irreplaceable Jongdae is to Minseok and despite how Luhan sees him as a rival, he still is a friend whom he loves so much. If Jongdae wants to be peaceful by having his wish fulfilled with the five of them together, he’ll do anything for it to happen.
They remain in the position for seconds until Luhan pulls away. Minseok is silent, still frozen in his place, shocked.
“I’m sorry,” Luhan breaks the silence, a hand clenched on his shirt. Minseok simply looks at him, eyes still wide, lips parted as if wanting to speak but no words coming out.
“I’ve done my part. Please do yours now,” Luhan continues. “For Jongdae. If you really love him.” He then bows and turns around slowly, walking away. Minseok doesn’t stop him, not even daring to call him back. He remains silent, watching as Luhan slowly disappears out of the woods, leaving him alone. The cold air blows and it sends a chill in his body. He wraps his arms around himself to keep him warm. He chuckles; he’s never felt so pathetic.
He curls, sitting beneath the tree next to him. Please stop, it echoes in his ears. It never stops.
He closes his eyes. Sorry, Jongdae.
The wind blows again.
The four are gathered at the base, Yixing hunched over the table, checking on Jongdae’s old diaries with Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s next to them, standing, hands on the surface while Luhan stays a little distant from them, reading some journals Jongdae owned. It’s their fourth attempt at figuring out what Jongdae wants (Baekhyun tells them that Jongdae can’t really remember his wish but he wants it with the five of them altogether doing it) and it’s not an easy job.
It’s a Saturday and they’ve basically spent the whole morning unsuccessfully realizing what it is. When the clock strikes eleven, everyone agrees that they should take a break and probably much on some onigiris Chanyeol brought with him. They gather excitedly around the table as Yixing opens the containers.
Yixing already has a onigiri stuffed in his mouth while the rest have their hands reaching for the food but stop midway, yelping in surprise when the door suddenly flings open, too quick and too hard it slams against the wooden wall, prompting them to turn and see who the culprit is.
“Minseok,” Luhan mutters with wide eyes, stunned like a deer caught in the headlights.
Minseok is panting, holding onto the door frame tightly, knees bent, the other hand on one of it for support. He’s in red plaid polo, tucked inside a navy blue jeans, heavily creased, soaked in sweat, a darker shade of the shirt’s color forming on the upper part of it.
“I’m sorry,” Minseok breathes out.
“Those are… Jongdae’s clothes,” Chanyeol mumbles, eyeing Minseok from head to toe. Everyone remains silent, not a single word spilling from their parted lips.
“It’s me. At the forest. It’s not Jongdae,” Minseok continues, inhaling at every phrase until he finally regains regular breathing. “I’m the one you saw.”
“What do you mean?” Baekhyun asks, still confused. When Yixing raises a fingers and exclaims an “Ah!”, Chanyeol raises a brow and his lips form a silent “Oh my god!”. Chanyeol quickly covers his mouth with his hand.
Minseok sighs when the two finally understand what he means. He is a little scared but he tries to smile albeit awkwardly and apologetically, keeping in the uneasy curl inside his chest, trying his best not to let it reach his face. His cheeks betray him, though when they become heavier at every second. He looks at Luhan who nods approvingly at him, lips slowly curling to a sympathetic smile. He bends slowly, pushing torso further down until he's bowing forty-five degrees. His eyes are fixed on his forearms. His shoulders start to shake as he mumbles another round of “I’m sorry”.
“Hey,” Luhan says, walking towards Minseok. He places his hand on the other’s shoulder, pulling him slowly up. He chuckles when he sees Minseok’s face wet and dirty. “You’re a mess,” he kids, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes the tears mixing with dirt and sweat. Minseok grunts but smiles right after.
“I’m not mad,” Yixing says as he begins munching on his onigiri. “I’m disappointed, though. I thought I really saw Jongdae,” he says, chuckling to himself. Chanyeol takes a bite of his food, too, and nods in agreement. A smile surfaces on Minseok's lips --comfortable, relieved, better.
“Welcome back, then,” Baekhyun says, trying to sound as cheerful as he possibly could but comes off as monotonous as he usually is. Chanyeol laughs, suddenly ruffling Baekhyun hair at which he ducks, swatting Chanyeol’s hand away from his head. Yixing wolf-whistles, jabbing Baekhyun with his elbow and they all laugh.
Minseok reaches for Luhan’s hand and holds it tightly. Luhan looks at him, a little confused. When their fingers intertwined, he feels blood rush to his face, cheeks stained pink.
“Thank you,” Minseok mumbles.
Luhan simply nods, gently squeezing Minseok’s hand under his palm.
Pairing: Xiumin/Luhan, Xiumin/Chen, implied Baekhyun/Chen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,927
Warning: Character death
Summary: Minseok is stuck in Jongdae’s memory and it hurts Luhan. (Ano Hana!AU)
Notes: My 2013 sncj_santa entry! Written for noxiouscherries. Thanks to onyu for the beta! Also posted here.
Minseok runs in the middle of the city forest. The night is cold but he doesn’t seem to care. It’s chilly; the crisp autumn air cuts his skin and it stings, painful enough that he can hardly keep his eyes open while running around the woods. When he’s gone far enough from where he began, he stops, holding on to the nearest reachable tree, a hand on his knees, panting as he tries to even out his breathing. He inhales a generous amount of air and chokes at the cool sensation in his throat, beads of tears forming at the corner of his eyes. He's coughing so hard, he feels as if he's going to puke his lungs out. He pounds his chest with a clenched fist and when he’s finally back to proper breathing, he wipes the sweat off his forehead with the sleeves of his polo only to drop his arms back very quickly, wiping the now wet sleeves with his hand.
“Shit. Shit,” Minseok mutters. “Sorry Jongdae,” he continues, still rubbing the sleeves with his palm. He looks around and realizes he’s just a few meters away from the highway. He squints when he sees a familiar figure walking over the sidewalk to take the small trail up the hilly side of the forest. It’s a familiar entrance, Minseok recognizes.
When the person looks at his direction, Minseok straightens up. “Shit,” he grunts and runs again.
It’s been three days since Minseok learned about Baekhyun’s antics. They had agreed way back, that particular Wednesday six years ago, never to mention Jongdae's name again. Jongdae had gone and was never to be seen again. He’s dead. He’s dead, Minseok reiterates. He isn’t entirely sure how seriously “crazy” Baekhyun has become but when he first told everyone about seeing Jongdae again, Minseok never found it funny. He still doesn’t find it funny-it never is, never was, never will be. It irks him a lot but it has shaken him. If it weren’t for their friends, the moment Baekhyun mentioned about Jongdae “returning” to them, he would've punched the other square in the face. He doesn’t really care if Baekhyun’s serious about it, especially when he can see how honest his eyes were when he spoke about it, maybe a little worried and confused, too with the way the words were formed, which wasn’t really fine at all, at least for Minseok. He still thinks it’s a complete mockery.
He stabs his pancake with his fork too hard it hits the plate and makes a loud clank of steel against china. Luhan quickly looks at him, brows raised.
“What’s wrong?” Luhan asks, munching on his morning snack.
Minseok hisses instead of answering, closing his eyes for a moment. He drops the fork and stands up.
“Wait, where are you going?” Luhan gulps on his water and runs after Minseok who has almost reached the exit of the cafeteria. When he finally catches up with the other’s pace, Luhan holds Minseok by the arm to slow him down. “Is it Baekhyun?”
Minseok slows down. “He’s crazy,” he mumbles, apparently mad in his tone.
“Knew it,” Luhan says, loosening his grasp around Minseok’s arm. “Don’t think about it too much,” he continues, tapping the other on his shoulder gently. Luhan smiles and Minseok, although hesitant, smiles back.
“Do you think he’s crazy, too?” Minseok asks, this time a lot more calmer.
“Maybe,” Luhan answers and shrugs. He then holds Minseok’s hand, pulling him gently as if telling him to run. “We’re gonna be late. Class in five minutes.”
Minseok and Luhan are the last to arrive when Yixing phoned them for a meeting at their old “base”. It’s a small hut, shanty-looking but still neat and cozy inside. Everyone heaves a sigh when they enter; there is a rush of nostalgia except that it feels heavy than pleasing.
“I know you’re mad at Baekhyun but don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Luhan reminds Minseok and the latter just nods. He hasn’t really seen Baekhyun again since he started babbling about Jongdae’s return and he really isn’t sure how he's supposed to react when he sees him again. If it isn’t for Luhan and his calm nerves, he will definitely not have any second doubts throwing a fist on Baekhyun’s face, which is the first thing he sees when he enters.
Baekhyun’s seated on the table, legs hanging on the edge. His eyes seem darker than he last saw him; that or it’s just the lighting. He's pale, possibly even more than the usual. He gasps a little in surprise. Something tells Minseok that Baekhyun isn't expecting to see him, isn't too pleased to see him, but the sight of Luhan holding Minseok by an arm eases the alarm written on his face a little.
“Minseokie!”
Minseok jumps and steps back but Yixing successfully flings his arms around him, pulling Minseok back to his place in a tight hug. “I thought you’d never come!” he exclaims excitedly. Yixing pulls away right after, a smile plastered on his face.
“You’ve never changed,” Minseok says, smiling back. He then looks at Chanyeol who sits on a chair at the corner, raising a hand and smiling at them, and Baekhyun who shyly bows his head.
“How are you?” Luhan greets and Yixing hugs him, too.
“I’m great!” Yixing answers promptly. “I’m really excited to see you guys again! And it’s gonna be fun because Baekhyun said we’re gonna do something for Jongdae!”
Nice. Bomb dropped.
Minseok flinches, swiftly shifting his eyes to Yixing. Luhan remains calm; however, his smile disappears. Baekhyun buries his face in one of his hands and Chanyeol keeps his eyes away from everyone else. Yixing’s expression slowly turns into an awkward grin, sensing how uneasy the atmosphere has suddenly become. There's silence for a few seconds, and Yixing's the only one who dares to move, tense and a bit scared, confused as to who he's supposed to talk (or apologize) to.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“Is this Baekhyun’s idea?” Minseok cuts. Luhan tries to pull the sleeves of Minseok’s shirt but he moves away from the other, throwing a stern look at everyone. Yixing has his lips parted, a series of stumbling words coming out of his mouth. He starts to panic more when Minseok walks past him and stops close to Baekhyun.
“You believe him?” Minseok asks, looking at Yixing who nods reluctantly.
“This is ridiculous.”
“L-let him speak first,” Chanyeol finally speaks. “Listen, at least.”
Minseok feels like everyone’s ganging up on him, even when he knows he has Luhan on his side. Yixing and Chanyeol may sound and look sceptical but he doesn’t understand how they are giving Baekhyun a chance. No one speaks about Jongdae; they all promised--he can't understand why everyone's breaking it.
“I’m out of this,” Minseok utters. He turns around and swiftly aims for the door. He expects Luhan to stop him, probably fingers curled around his arm again, but it doesn’t happen.
“He says he wants to see us together,” Baekhyun mumbles weakly, almost inaudible but Minseok hears it, turning around before he can put a foot past the door.
“He,” Minseok repeats. He doesn’t raise it but Baekhyun looks at him in the eye. Minseok ignores how real they are but he refuses to see it.
“Jongdae,” Baekhyun clarifies. He moves his sight over Minseok’s shoulder, beside Luhan who still stands next to the door. It’s as if somebody exists right next to the entrance when it’s just air, nothing else. Minseok notices. He hisses and heaves a deep sigh, closing his eyes as he takes in a generous amount of air, exhaling it slowly. He hears Luhan call him as if reminding him to calm down no matter how Baekhyun may get on his nerve. He is trying but he’s not expecting it to happen early.
“He says he wants his wish to happen,” Baekyun continues. He sounds a lot less confident but he says it anyway.
“No one sees him!” Minseok exclaims, making everyone jerk in surprise. “It’s only you, Baekhyun! No one sees him but you!”
No one speaks and Baekhyun shifts his eyes away from Minseok again. It irks the latter a lot.
“You can’t even look at me. You’re crazy,” Minseok mutters. “Is this what happens to people who don’t go to school?” he continues, followed by a scoff. Baekhyun clenches his fist, arms shaking but he doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. “Well, I should’ve expected. Staying in your house for the rest of the semester sounds terrible.”
“Minseok!” Luhan yells. “Enough.”
“So stop Baekhyun,” Minseok says, his words overlapping with Luhan’s. “Jongdae is dead . He is not here.”
“I saw him, too,” Chanyeol speaks right after Minseok who throws an astonished look at the other. Luhan is surprised but he remains calm, Yixing’s mouth is gaping and Baekhyun’s face is basically a mix of hope, surprise, confusion, and a tinge of mistrust.
When no one speaks, Chanyeol takes it as a cue to explain. “I saw him last night,” he begins. “He’s still has the same clothes he wore when he died. Am I right, Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun still has his confounded look on and nods slowly.
“Last Wednesday. I was on my way back home when I stopped by the forest entrance,” Chanyeol continues, looking at everyone as he speaks. “I heard a rustling sound and I saw a figure from one of the trees. I wasn’t scared for some reason so I walked closer. I saw him. He ran away. But I saw him.”
A chill runs down Minseok’s spine and Luhan turns around, looking at him in utter disbelief. When they all look at Baekhyun, he still has his eyes locked on Chanyeol. They’re speechless. Everyone is.
“This is not funny at all,” Minseok says, voice shaking as he steps back slowly. He isn’t believing it, he definitely isn’t. He knows what Chanyeol is saying isn’t true. He steps further away, one step with each passing second until finally turns around and runs, pushing the door with much force. Luhan gives everyone an apologetic look, bowing his head thrice and runs after Minseok. Yixing groans in disappointment. Chanyeol remains silent.
“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun mumbles. “I guess this is not gonna be easy, Jongdae.”
It’s a Wednesday night and Minseok finds himself running in the forest yet again. He stays away from the edge near the highway although frequently looking at his side, checking if there is somebody by the sidewalk. He takes the wider walkway that steers away from the concrete. It’s an upward hill and it goes steeper as he goes deeper inside the woods.
“Jongdae?”
Minseok’s heart skips a beat when he hears somebody speak. He runs toward the nearest wide tree and hides behind it, a clenched hand on his chest. He peeks and listens as the person speak Jongdae’s name again. Yixing, Minseok recognizes the voice. The sound of soles stepping on dry leaves grows louder, suggesting it’s moving towards his direction. He curls under the tree, arms hugging his legs, knees together, head rested on it. He stays there until he hears Jongdae’s name for the third time-the last time. The footsteps stop and Yixing’s voice disappears.
He’s safe for now.
“I guess it’s just us now,” Luhan tells Minseok one afternoon right after lunch. It’s a free hour and Luhan decides that they spend it in the library. Normally, Minseok would say no when Luhan asks him to stay in the library during free cuts, so it comes as a surprise when Minseok follows him right after the announcement.
“Us what?” Minseok asks, poking the spine of the pile of books in front of him (Luhan plans to borrow them for his reading spree tonight) as he rests his arms on the table, leaning and resting his head on it.
“Yixing said he saw Jongdae last Wednesday,” Luhan whispers but he keeps his eyes on the book he’s reading. Minseok remains slouched on the chair, fingers still playing with the book spines. “Us who haven’t seen Jongdae yet,” he mumbles.
“Do you believe them?” Luhan asks, turning from his book to Minseok this time.
The look on Minseok's face doesn't change. He's been expecting the question.. “I know they’re lying,” he says, trying to sound as nonchalant and uninterested as possible, but it comes out as a statement more than an open-ended sentence. Luhan chuckles; Luhan must be judging him.
“That or they’re being lied at,” Luhan says, closing the book he’s reading. He places it on the other side of the table and grabs a new one from the stack.
“What do you mean?” Minseok asks, rising from his droop, fixing his posture, curious yet alarmed.
“Nothing. Brainwashed?” Luhan answers promptly.
“Are you one of them?”
“I said it’s just us now,” Luhan reminds, shifting his eyes from the book to Minseok’s face alternatingly. At one point, he pauses and stares at the other intently as if examining his features. “You got darker circles around your eyes,” he suddenly comments. He reaches for Minseok’s face and traces a finger around his left eye, circling it once and then another. “Large difference,” he says, a hand still on Minseok’s face. “What have you been up to lately?”
Minseok is half-flushed, half-scared and he finds himself stuttering. “Nothing. S-school stuff,” he says, tilting his head so it’s away from Luhan’s touch. The latter smiles but when he shifts back to what he is reading, it suddenly disappears.
There is something awkward and uneasy bubbling inside Minseok, he’s almost tempted to ask Luhan if he’s more bothered than him but he decides not to ask it. He won’t get an honest answer anyway. Luhan will never tell him. He wonders how he’s managed to be friends with Luhan for years when they’d never be honest to each other most of the time, if not always. Not that it isn’t absolutely bad because at some point in time, it works for Minseok at the very least. Especially this time.
It’s a Wednesday and Yixing has invited Luhan and Minseok to the base. It does not come as a surprise for Luhan, who finally stops being indifferent towards Jongdae’s return, when Minseok refuses to go with him. He does not bother persuading him not to go, not even mentioning how he probably finds Luhan accepting the invitation as a form of betrayal. Sort of.
Luhan understands, though. And by “he understands” he means he tolerates. Minseok’s excuse is that he’s going to work on their school project tonight. It’s a lie, Luhan knows, but he lets it pass.
Minseok isn’t really uninterested, Luhan can feel it. It shows in his eyes that as much as he’s hurting; he wants everyone’s company, he misses everyone’s company yet he refuses to see them. Maybe it’s Baekhyun and the fact that he’s the first to drift away from them and now he’s coming back to them with the silly idea of Jongdae appearing to him. Or perhaps it’s Jongdae because no matter how often they may attempt to see each other, he will never come back. They will never be complete.
Or maybe it’s Minseok himself.
Luhan wants to help Minseok. He wants him to realize that as much as he is still in distraught over Jongdae’s death, he needs to move on. It’s just that Luhan doesn’t know where to start; the fact that Minseok doesn’t want to help himself makes it a lot difficult for him, for both of them. When everyone’s gone with their own ways, particularly from that day when Jongdae died, it’s Luhan who’s stuck with him until now. But it’s no longer the same. Minseok has changed.
Minseok is stuck. It hurts Luhan.
“Do you think Minseok is okay?”
Luhan looks up from his seat outside the door. Baekhyun is next to him, both hands inside the pockets of his jacket, looking at the clear night sky. They don't normally share a conversation, so it comes as a pleasant surprise. He smiles and looks at the same direction, too.
“He isn’t,” Luhan says.
“Knew you’d say it,” Baekhyun reacts. He lowers himself, crouching next to Luhan. “I pissed him off, didn’t I? He thinks I’m crazy.”
“We all think you are,” Luhan kids, chuckling right after. He thinks it’s going to be an awkward exchange but for some reason he finds himself comfortable enough to joke around with Baekhyun.
“Thanks,” Baekhyun laughs, too. He inhales, stretching his arms, and he yawns, somehow relaxing.
“He needs time, I guess,” Luhan says. Baekhyun blinks at him, wondering, but then realizes Luhan is talking about Minseok so he listens. “He’s confused.”
“Everyone is. I am, too,” Baekhyun mumbles. He curls more this time, arms wrapping around his legs. “I really want him to help us. Jongdae wants him to…”
Baekhyun trails off when he mentions Jongdae’s name, a tinge of panic staining his eyes. Luhan notices and he smiles at Baekhyun in lieu of an “It’s okay, carry on.” Baekhyun catches and he continues. “Jongdae wants us to be complete again.”
Luhan doesn’t say anything, letting Baekhyun’s words drown in their silence. Then he moves, rising from his seat, dusting his pants.
“For Jongdae, please help me,” Baekhyun says, pleading.
Luhan doesn’t look at him. He nods. “For Jongdae,” he repeats and walks away. And for Minseok.
Luhan stands behind a tree, checking his wristwatch from time to time. It’s still a Wednesday, quarter past ten in the evening, so he shouldn’t be too late. He puts on his earbuds and plays music to entertain him while waiting, but he stops halfway when he hears a rustling sound nearby. He immediately stuffs the cables in his bag and ducks, making sure he’s not to be seen behind the tree. And he’s not disappointed. He sees the person, moving swiftly through the woods. He’s quick as if he’s fleeing from something and Luhan follows him, keeping a safe distance so that he remains unnoticeable. When he stops, Luhan stops. When he runs, Luhan walks briskly, catching up with the speed although quietly. It’s difficult but he manages to keep the person in his sight.
Luhan halts when the person stops by a tree, a hand on it as he breathes heavily. Knowing that they won’t be moving until he’s done catching up with proper breathing, Luhan takes it as the most opportune to show up so he gulps for air and exhales slowly. He can do this.
“Jongdae,” Luhan whispers and the person jerks in surprise. He bends his legs as if aiming to run, looking around, searching for where the voice is coming from. Before he sprints away, Luhan runs and jumps over the bushes so that he’s directly behind the person.
“Don’t run!” Luhan shouts when the person ignores him and puts a foot forward, all set to run. Luhan doesn’t bother catching up. He remains in his place and gathers all his strength, parting his lips and yells.
“Kim Minseok!”
Minseok stops but he doesn’t turn around, stuck with one foot stepped forward.
“Why do you run away? Why do you always run away?” Luhan then asks. He tones down, lowering his voice. He sounds desperate although he never intends to make it sound like he is. He walks forward and Minseok takes one step further away. “Don’t run, Minseok. I know it’s you.”
Minseok still has his back on Luhan although he gathers his feet in place, head bowed down, a hand holding onto a trunk of the tree next to him. Luhan walks faster until he’s an inch behind the other. “You’re wearing Jongdae’s clothes.”
“These are mine,” Minseok clarifies. He sounds furious but he keeps it in.
“Chanyeol and Yixing. You’re the one they saw,” Luhan follows up and he sees in the dimness of the moonlit woods how Minseok’s hands clench hard that they shake.
Luhan extends an arm, reaching for Minseok’s shoulder. “You knew all along, didn’t you?” Minseok asks and Luhan pauses, his fingers hanging in the air.
Luhan nods and lowers his hand. He steps one more until he’s closer to Minseok. He is hesitant, afraid of how the other might react to this but he does it anyway: his hands move past Minseok’s body, then his arms, and he wraps them around the other’s waist. He hears Minseok gasp in surprise but he tightens it, pulling the other to a hug while he rests his forehead on his nape.
“Please stop,” Luhan whispers. He requests.
“You know nothing, Luhan,” Minseok says.
Luhan shakes his head. “No. No, Minseok. I know everything. Please stop taking the burden. It’s unnecessary. Don’t blame yourself.”
Minseok raises his head at Luhan’s words, eyes slowly widening. His heart is beating fast and he can feel his energy slipping from his fingertips. His knees are shaking. “Luhan, you’re out of this-”
“Minseok, again. Please stop. It hurts seeing you like this…” Luhan trails off.
Minseok suddenly turns around, breaking himself away from Luhan’s arms wrapped around him. “It hurts? You’re hurting?” he asks, his voice escalating to a volume. “Why? Because… because you think I’m pathetic doing this? You don’t understand, Luhan!”
“I do, Minseok! I do!” Luhan yells back, tears welling at the corner of his eyes. “I know you liked Jongdae. I know you confessed to him before he died and that you’re taking the blame for his death. You think you should be haunted instead, but you aren’t. Minseok, please. No one deserves the blame. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this to us. To me, please,” he continues, voice dying down as he begins to cry, sniffing, raising his head to keep the tears from falling although unsuccessfully. “Stop lying to us.”
Minseok is flabbergasted. He doesn’t know what to say, how to react.He has never mentioned anything to Luhan about this, about how he actually feels about Jongdae’s death. He wonders if he’s made himself too open for Luhan to read.
“I’m doing this for Jongdae,” Minseok mumbles when he finally gathers himself out of shock.
“You’re doing this for yourself.”
Minseok wants to rebut but he suddenly finds it hard to rationalize his actions. “Baekhyun sees him but I can’t,” he suddenly utters instead, out of the blue, knowing that his argument cannot be defended. He sounds mad, bitter.
“Yet you still believed him. Don’t deny, I know you did. You still do,” Luhan says as if it’s a very apparent fact. “Look at me,” he orders when Minseok steers his sight away. When Minseok does although reluctantly, he continues. “You just refused to do so because you hated the idea of Jongdae appearing only to Baekhyun.”
Minseok bows his head, shoulders starting to shake. “What do you want to happen?”
“Help us. And Jongdae. This isn’t his place anymore.”
“You’re one of them-.”
“I’m on your side,” Luhan cuts off. “I’m doing what Baekhyun wants because I want to help you.”
“I don’t need any help-”
“You say that when you’re here, wearing Jongdae’s clothes, wandering in the forest as if you’re his ghost,” Luhan says and he doesn’t care if his words sound sharp and hurtful. He is desperate and he wants Minseok to realize things on his own.
“Leave me alone,” Minseok tells Luhan imperatively as he wipes a tear rolling down his cheek.
“I won’t.”
“Leave.”
“Minseok.”
“I don’t need your help! Please leave me-”
Luhan grabs Minseok and presses their lips together. Minseok freezes, and Luhan loses all the feeling in his hands. He can feel his heartbeat racing, the pounding in Minseok's chest rivaling of his own. His hands are shaking, but his grip on Minseok's wrist is tight. It's as if he doesn't want to let go.
It’s a random yet desperate move. It isn't the smartest move to drive a point, but he hopes that, by being honest, Minseok will understand by he's begging him to stop. He knows Minseok is in love with Jongdae and that he'll never win against the latter -- that, alone, is already painful, but when Minseok refuses to accept their friend’s death, and worse, deceives himself that his ghost is living within himself, it almost is unbearable for Luhan to accept. Minseok may never reciprocate, may never love him back as much as Luhan wants him to, but he doesn’t care much about it right now.
Luhan recognizes how probably irreplaceable Jongdae is to Minseok and despite how Luhan sees him as a rival, he still is a friend whom he loves so much. If Jongdae wants to be peaceful by having his wish fulfilled with the five of them together, he’ll do anything for it to happen.
They remain in the position for seconds until Luhan pulls away. Minseok is silent, still frozen in his place, shocked.
“I’m sorry,” Luhan breaks the silence, a hand clenched on his shirt. Minseok simply looks at him, eyes still wide, lips parted as if wanting to speak but no words coming out.
“I’ve done my part. Please do yours now,” Luhan continues. “For Jongdae. If you really love him.” He then bows and turns around slowly, walking away. Minseok doesn’t stop him, not even daring to call him back. He remains silent, watching as Luhan slowly disappears out of the woods, leaving him alone. The cold air blows and it sends a chill in his body. He wraps his arms around himself to keep him warm. He chuckles; he’s never felt so pathetic.
He curls, sitting beneath the tree next to him. Please stop, it echoes in his ears. It never stops.
He closes his eyes. Sorry, Jongdae.
The wind blows again.
The four are gathered at the base, Yixing hunched over the table, checking on Jongdae’s old diaries with Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s next to them, standing, hands on the surface while Luhan stays a little distant from them, reading some journals Jongdae owned. It’s their fourth attempt at figuring out what Jongdae wants (Baekhyun tells them that Jongdae can’t really remember his wish but he wants it with the five of them altogether doing it) and it’s not an easy job.
It’s a Saturday and they’ve basically spent the whole morning unsuccessfully realizing what it is. When the clock strikes eleven, everyone agrees that they should take a break and probably much on some onigiris Chanyeol brought with him. They gather excitedly around the table as Yixing opens the containers.
Yixing already has a onigiri stuffed in his mouth while the rest have their hands reaching for the food but stop midway, yelping in surprise when the door suddenly flings open, too quick and too hard it slams against the wooden wall, prompting them to turn and see who the culprit is.
“Minseok,” Luhan mutters with wide eyes, stunned like a deer caught in the headlights.
Minseok is panting, holding onto the door frame tightly, knees bent, the other hand on one of it for support. He’s in red plaid polo, tucked inside a navy blue jeans, heavily creased, soaked in sweat, a darker shade of the shirt’s color forming on the upper part of it.
“I’m sorry,” Minseok breathes out.
“Those are… Jongdae’s clothes,” Chanyeol mumbles, eyeing Minseok from head to toe. Everyone remains silent, not a single word spilling from their parted lips.
“It’s me. At the forest. It’s not Jongdae,” Minseok continues, inhaling at every phrase until he finally regains regular breathing. “I’m the one you saw.”
“What do you mean?” Baekhyun asks, still confused. When Yixing raises a fingers and exclaims an “Ah!”, Chanyeol raises a brow and his lips form a silent “Oh my god!”. Chanyeol quickly covers his mouth with his hand.
Minseok sighs when the two finally understand what he means. He is a little scared but he tries to smile albeit awkwardly and apologetically, keeping in the uneasy curl inside his chest, trying his best not to let it reach his face. His cheeks betray him, though when they become heavier at every second. He looks at Luhan who nods approvingly at him, lips slowly curling to a sympathetic smile. He bends slowly, pushing torso further down until he's bowing forty-five degrees. His eyes are fixed on his forearms. His shoulders start to shake as he mumbles another round of “I’m sorry”.
“Hey,” Luhan says, walking towards Minseok. He places his hand on the other’s shoulder, pulling him slowly up. He chuckles when he sees Minseok’s face wet and dirty. “You’re a mess,” he kids, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes the tears mixing with dirt and sweat. Minseok grunts but smiles right after.
“I’m not mad,” Yixing says as he begins munching on his onigiri. “I’m disappointed, though. I thought I really saw Jongdae,” he says, chuckling to himself. Chanyeol takes a bite of his food, too, and nods in agreement. A smile surfaces on Minseok's lips --comfortable, relieved, better.
“Welcome back, then,” Baekhyun says, trying to sound as cheerful as he possibly could but comes off as monotonous as he usually is. Chanyeol laughs, suddenly ruffling Baekhyun hair at which he ducks, swatting Chanyeol’s hand away from his head. Yixing wolf-whistles, jabbing Baekhyun with his elbow and they all laugh.
Minseok reaches for Luhan’s hand and holds it tightly. Luhan looks at him, a little confused. When their fingers intertwined, he feels blood rush to his face, cheeks stained pink.
“Thank you,” Minseok mumbles.
Luhan simply nods, gently squeezing Minseok’s hand under his palm.