Opinions?
Lets do some time traveling to my messy HQ in the past where I created Come Come Paradise. You all are invited to critique my prologue. Tell me what you think about it in terms of content and blatant pervertness. Mind you all, I hid some of the second meanings so that only the true perverts can see the read picture :P. There is more to this but I want to try to finish the first chapter before I release it.
OOC: I know that Jiraiya is a manga author not a storywriter. However playing as the perverted mystical Sennin, there is not much I can do during down times except lift skirts and stare at breasts. So I'm trucking along writing what I believe to be a credible CCP series since I'm not talented with artistic abilities. To compensate for that result, my writing might stray away a couple sentences to compensate for the few pictures that seems to stray away from the actual manga. You will understand it when you read it. Enjoy the twists and turns I'm going to be throwing at you all.
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Come Come paradise (Up)
-Hajime-
“No no, oh no! I’m still a virgin!” Ominous black shadows enveloped a clothed body as it tripped to the ground. Twisting and ripping, he continues to shout out, "Get away from me! Don’t touch me there!" The bright moonlight was nonexistent in the forest due to the massively overhanging trees that reach towards the clouds. There was no telling who and how many figures were hovering over him. “Don't hurt me... I have no money...I ...I won’t be able to face my girlfriend!” Crackling laughter filled the atmosphere between the crying as the wispy shadows persistently prodded him. “I'm nobody ...why? ...Why me?”
Unexpectedly, a huge gale of wind ripped through the sky shattering the knotted branches letting an intense stream of light that beamed straight at his crotch. The body shot straight up instantly covering his privates while receding into the shadows. Seeing how shocking events happens all the time in nature, an owl witnesses the largest one eyed snake in its entire life emerging from the thickets into the light. Hooting with excitement, the bird swoops downward to seize its dinner.
However the bird suddenly took flight in another direction as it heard the clanging of a headband hitting the ground. Likewise, the snake slithered back into the undergrowth. Grimacing and panicking, he muttered to himself,“Another perfect time ruined by acts of nature. I thought I was going to have some fun time tonight.” Then smiling and putting on his clothes with some difficulty he patted the soft padded grass. “Any time... I love streaking out here.”
Rushing out of sight, he dove up through the branches and quietly melted into the darkness leaving behind his headband in the shadows. Nearby the patch of grass, two short trees quivered and shimmered into life. The shorter one bent over and picked up the headband. Cloaked in robes, hunched over and carrying canes, the standing one said to the other, “Oh my god, WHAT WAS THAT?!”
OOC: I know that Jiraiya is a manga author not a storywriter. However playing as the perverted mystical Sennin, there is not much I can do during down times except lift skirts and stare at breasts. So I'm trucking along writing what I believe to be a credible CCP series since I'm not talented with artistic abilities. To compensate for that result, my writing might stray away a couple sentences to compensate for the few pictures that seems to stray away from the actual manga. You will understand it when you read it. Enjoy the twists and turns I'm going to be throwing at you all.
****************************************************
Come Come paradise (Up)
-Hajime-
“No no, oh no! I’m still a virgin!” Ominous black shadows enveloped a clothed body as it tripped to the ground. Twisting and ripping, he continues to shout out, "Get away from me! Don’t touch me there!" The bright moonlight was nonexistent in the forest due to the massively overhanging trees that reach towards the clouds. There was no telling who and how many figures were hovering over him. “Don't hurt me... I have no money...I ...I won’t be able to face my girlfriend!” Crackling laughter filled the atmosphere between the crying as the wispy shadows persistently prodded him. “I'm nobody ...why? ...Why me?”
Unexpectedly, a huge gale of wind ripped through the sky shattering the knotted branches letting an intense stream of light that beamed straight at his crotch. The body shot straight up instantly covering his privates while receding into the shadows. Seeing how shocking events happens all the time in nature, an owl witnesses the largest one eyed snake in its entire life emerging from the thickets into the light. Hooting with excitement, the bird swoops downward to seize its dinner.
However the bird suddenly took flight in another direction as it heard the clanging of a headband hitting the ground. Likewise, the snake slithered back into the undergrowth. Grimacing and panicking, he muttered to himself,“Another perfect time ruined by acts of nature. I thought I was going to have some fun time tonight.” Then smiling and putting on his clothes with some difficulty he patted the soft padded grass. “Any time... I love streaking out here.”
Rushing out of sight, he dove up through the branches and quietly melted into the darkness leaving behind his headband in the shadows. Nearby the patch of grass, two short trees quivered and shimmered into life. The shorter one bent over and picked up the headband. Cloaked in robes, hunched over and carrying canes, the standing one said to the other, “Oh my god, WHAT WAS THAT?!”