"When I grow old..."
Disclaimer: This post is downright depressing, but I had to write it or I'd lose my mind. Don't say I didn't warn you...
So, I keep meaning to write this, but everytime I want to... well, the mood of it just makes me want to curl in a ball and cry. I've written this a thousand versions of this in my head, and I bet this will sound like none of them, but I'm going to try.
Everyday lately, it's like I get slapped in the face by reality. There will be at least one (usually much more) time where I realize what it means to be human. That I am going to grow old like my parents, my grandmother, etc., and one day I'll die. Maybe I won't even make it till I'm old. There could be some freak accident or I could develop some sort of disease and die much younger. Those thoughts will paralyze me with fear. A fear so strong it burn through my veins like a painful adrenaline rush. Or I'll think about him--the one I love more than anything--and that it'll happen to him one day. It's almost too much. Even now, I can't write this entry without crying.
I don't know what's caused this, but I can't go a day without thinking about it. I wish I could. I really, really do. Now I look around me and think about how everything will age and die, or material things will one day fall apart, disintegrate into nothing. I'm literally scared to death. There were times when I was younger that I half wanted to kill myself, (Yeah, we all know that phase.) but now I would never, because death is what I fear. I fear what happens after. I especially fear not being with him, with my Kali, with my friends. I mean really, what becomes of our souls after? Is there a heaven? An afterlife? What is existence? How does it all work?
I've been lucky in a way. No one truly close to me has ever died. Moved away, yes, but still lived. The only exception was my grandfather, but I was three and a half. I didn't really understand it all. I was too young to remember. But I have both parents, my grandmother, my brother, close friends. They're all there. Even when my father almost died when I was in high school, it didn't really hit me. Maybe I'm going through some sort of quarter life crisis, (or maybe I've been listening to too much Assemblage and Code 64,) but if so, I hope it passes soon, because it's driving me past what bit of sanity I have left.
So, I keep meaning to write this, but everytime I want to... well, the mood of it just makes me want to curl in a ball and cry. I've written this a thousand versions of this in my head, and I bet this will sound like none of them, but I'm going to try.
Everyday lately, it's like I get slapped in the face by reality. There will be at least one (usually much more) time where I realize what it means to be human. That I am going to grow old like my parents, my grandmother, etc., and one day I'll die. Maybe I won't even make it till I'm old. There could be some freak accident or I could develop some sort of disease and die much younger. Those thoughts will paralyze me with fear. A fear so strong it burn through my veins like a painful adrenaline rush. Or I'll think about him--the one I love more than anything--and that it'll happen to him one day. It's almost too much. Even now, I can't write this entry without crying.
I don't know what's caused this, but I can't go a day without thinking about it. I wish I could. I really, really do. Now I look around me and think about how everything will age and die, or material things will one day fall apart, disintegrate into nothing. I'm literally scared to death. There were times when I was younger that I half wanted to kill myself, (Yeah, we all know that phase.) but now I would never, because death is what I fear. I fear what happens after. I especially fear not being with him, with my Kali, with my friends. I mean really, what becomes of our souls after? Is there a heaven? An afterlife? What is existence? How does it all work?
I've been lucky in a way. No one truly close to me has ever died. Moved away, yes, but still lived. The only exception was my grandfather, but I was three and a half. I didn't really understand it all. I was too young to remember. But I have both parents, my grandmother, my brother, close friends. They're all there. Even when my father almost died when I was in high school, it didn't really hit me. Maybe I'm going through some sort of quarter life crisis, (or maybe I've been listening to too much Assemblage and Code 64,) but if so, I hope it passes soon, because it's driving me past what bit of sanity I have left.