Jealousy
Jealousy is harsh. It's like fire, it's like Kryptonite. It's like Force Lightning fired from the backs of smiling heads who are facing away from you, gripping the muscles along your spine and pulling them tight, electrifying your bones until they glow through your skin. It's not envy, it's not desire. It hurts more than that. I'm not talking about "I wish my computer was as fast as his" or "I've been working here longer so how come she gets the bigger cubicle." I'm talking about straight, cold, knife-in-your-heart jealousy.
Jealousy doesn't come alone. It brings its posse. Greed, insecurity, anger. And maybe that's what makes it so hard to deal with. Because they run counter to my values and ideals. I aspire to generosity, to confidence, and happiness. And they strip all that away.
I'm not generally a jealous person, but when it hits me, it hits hard. If anything can make me go dark and broody, it's that. I suppose brooding isn't that great a leap. Anyone who has spent enough time with me knows that I get lost in thought sometimes. But jealousy puts me in that simmering rage broodiness, where I don't speak because I'm afraid if I open my mouth I'll vomit up flames.
I don't think I'm usually prone to jealousy. I'm generally pretty laid back. If we're just casually dating, it's cool, I'm not putting a leash on you. If you're my girlfriend I probably trust you, or we wouldn't be in that committed relationship. But I'm human, and there are situations in which it arises.
Jealousy brings people together. In the movies, that is. We've all seen the story. Girl is dating guy, guy isn't being as attentive as girl would like, or they break up or something, girl goes out with someone else to make guy jealous, guy comes running back to girl. That is so not me.
I hate feeling jealous, because it makes me feel greedy and insecure and angry. And seeing this in myself, it makes me even madder at myself for feeling these things, for being weak enough to be jealous. It cascades. Anger turns to rage, focused on myself and the object of my jealousy. I'd rather lose the girl entirely than keep feeling the emotion. Because if she weren't mine, if she had nothing to do with me anymore, I wouldn't have to care about what she does anymore. If I were writing the story, the guy would say "screw it" and walk away. If you want to drive me away, it's the perfect tool for the job.
So there you go. My thoughts on jealousy. Sorry, no solutions offered here. Except to say, there are a lot of people in the world. Choose wisely, stick to the good ones, and toss the rest.
Jealousy doesn't come alone. It brings its posse. Greed, insecurity, anger. And maybe that's what makes it so hard to deal with. Because they run counter to my values and ideals. I aspire to generosity, to confidence, and happiness. And they strip all that away.
I'm not generally a jealous person, but when it hits me, it hits hard. If anything can make me go dark and broody, it's that. I suppose brooding isn't that great a leap. Anyone who has spent enough time with me knows that I get lost in thought sometimes. But jealousy puts me in that simmering rage broodiness, where I don't speak because I'm afraid if I open my mouth I'll vomit up flames.
I don't think I'm usually prone to jealousy. I'm generally pretty laid back. If we're just casually dating, it's cool, I'm not putting a leash on you. If you're my girlfriend I probably trust you, or we wouldn't be in that committed relationship. But I'm human, and there are situations in which it arises.
Jealousy brings people together. In the movies, that is. We've all seen the story. Girl is dating guy, guy isn't being as attentive as girl would like, or they break up or something, girl goes out with someone else to make guy jealous, guy comes running back to girl. That is so not me.
I hate feeling jealous, because it makes me feel greedy and insecure and angry. And seeing this in myself, it makes me even madder at myself for feeling these things, for being weak enough to be jealous. It cascades. Anger turns to rage, focused on myself and the object of my jealousy. I'd rather lose the girl entirely than keep feeling the emotion. Because if she weren't mine, if she had nothing to do with me anymore, I wouldn't have to care about what she does anymore. If I were writing the story, the guy would say "screw it" and walk away. If you want to drive me away, it's the perfect tool for the job.
So there you go. My thoughts on jealousy. Sorry, no solutions offered here. Except to say, there are a lot of people in the world. Choose wisely, stick to the good ones, and toss the rest.