Find Me Already, Dammit.
Read it... I dare you.
So I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that this has been the week from hell. I've had an insane amount of projects in my Photo class, a three-day-long project for Film Lit, busting ass on my research paper for Senior Seminar, pounding out a final draft of an essay due, plus an in-class critique for Creative Nonfic III, during which I was torn a new asshole. Emotionally, academically, pretty much in every way possible except for the weather. Isn't the weather supposed to make us feel better? I honestly have enjoyed how beautiful it's been outside lately, but I just can't seem to make my mood match.
Because on and off
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bi-polar and
Consequently so have I
--High of 75 by Relient K
I'm thinking about the incident two months ago in Indy. I'm thinking about my increased discomfort around people lately, and how it's really contradictory to my nature. I love having people around. I love having close friendships. But I don't feel like I have anything right now. I feel... empty.
Is that what I've been trying to say all week, trying to convey this feeling that's been eating me alive? Emptiness?
Right now, I just don't feel like I have anyone. I feel like I have some superficial friendships with people who don't get me... who don't care to get me, get to know me, see there's so much more to me behind my sometimes quiet, shy, softspoken demeanor. I can be loud, obnoxious, crazy, and funny. But I don't feel like I've seen that girl in awhile.
Maybe it's because my two closest friends are currently in completely different continents. Audrey's in Africa and I feel so disconnected from her. Lee's in England, of course, and I don't feel disconnected from her, per se, but I do feel like I need more of her in my life because she and I just get each other so perfectly. We're close but we don't get to talk often. That's just not doing it for me. And then what about Nickee, who's only 2 hours away, but still I've spoken to Lee more times in the last month than I've spoken to her. Nic doesn't return my calls.
I need support, dammit. I need someone around who can help me feel alive again, who can make me want to leave my apartment, go outside, sit in the sun, do something crazy. But you can't exactly ask for something like that. You can't just ask that of someone. It's something that has to find you.
I just hope it finds me soon, before things start to feel any worse.