(no subject)
Frozen.
Helpless.
Fear.
Humiliation.
Shame.
DISGUST
I feel like I am 5 again, knowing that something is wrong, but I cant necessarily put my finger to what it is. Except now, I know what was done, and I know that is wrong, yet I blame myself for it and I suffer alone. *tears* God I need my friends with me so incredibly much, granted I have the most awesome support system here with Cara, Allison, Lee, Lenny, Mark, Kyle and even Danny etc. But I really do want my Stephy and Lyds with me as well. *tears* I remember sitting in my private room, thinking, god, this is how it is in the movies, this isn't real. And to make matters worse in my opinion, they had a male doctor examin me, and a male sherrif come in to take a statement. WONDERFUCKINGFUl, but I just wanted it over and done with so the advocate that was there with me held my hand as I cried each time that I had to repeat my story. I got a shot in my hip and I took like 8 fucking pills, and wound up throwing up cause I hadnt eaten in oh 2 days. The woman made me eat a hamburger, though it was incredibly bland and icky in my mind and I wound up throwing that up to, I was there for a total of three hours. Poor girl at the walk-in counter, I was crying and dripping wet, and I didnt know where to go for something like this and she just reached out and gave me a hug and walked me to where I needed to go, got me warm blankets. I went into trioge(sp) and passed all the bed curtains and they gave me a private room, the emptyness I felt when each person left. I curled up on the bed with all of my blankets and pillows trying to not fall asleep and trying not to cry eachtime they all gave me their looks of pity.
I have the best fucking managers in the world. There are just no words to describe how I feel about Allison, she took my hand to talk to me, hugged me, cried with me and then handed her car keys to me so I could go home. I went to the hospital because she asked me to atleast get checked out. And with her doing me this huge favor instead of me just staying in viera til they got out late tonight to come home, I did it. I am thankful that Lee got me there.
I am supposed to be out of work for the next 7 or 8 days, but HA my bills fucking rely on it way too much so I'll probably just be off for these next two days and go in to train on wednesday. Nothing is going to be the same. I can already tell. I am not going to talk to any of the guys on the line the same way, I think that I will break down crying if any of them touch me or make an inappropriate comment. *sigh*
I apologize ahead of time because for the next god knows how many days, I will not be emotionally stable and will be moody as hell probably. I might snap or I might just blatantly ignore people. I'll probably keep in contact on a need basis at this point in time. Wont feel the need to update because I'll be feeling the exact same fucking shit. But as it starts to sink in I'll probably update, if you dont want to read about it, dont read my journal, if you dont want to hear about it let alone hear something si wrong with me, dont fucking call me or talk to me.
C'est la vie, right?
Helpless.
Fear.
Humiliation.
Shame.
DISGUST
I feel like I am 5 again, knowing that something is wrong, but I cant necessarily put my finger to what it is. Except now, I know what was done, and I know that is wrong, yet I blame myself for it and I suffer alone. *tears* God I need my friends with me so incredibly much, granted I have the most awesome support system here with Cara, Allison, Lee, Lenny, Mark, Kyle and even Danny etc. But I really do want my Stephy and Lyds with me as well. *tears* I remember sitting in my private room, thinking, god, this is how it is in the movies, this isn't real. And to make matters worse in my opinion, they had a male doctor examin me, and a male sherrif come in to take a statement. WONDERFUCKINGFUl, but I just wanted it over and done with so the advocate that was there with me held my hand as I cried each time that I had to repeat my story. I got a shot in my hip and I took like 8 fucking pills, and wound up throwing up cause I hadnt eaten in oh 2 days. The woman made me eat a hamburger, though it was incredibly bland and icky in my mind and I wound up throwing that up to, I was there for a total of three hours. Poor girl at the walk-in counter, I was crying and dripping wet, and I didnt know where to go for something like this and she just reached out and gave me a hug and walked me to where I needed to go, got me warm blankets. I went into trioge(sp) and passed all the bed curtains and they gave me a private room, the emptyness I felt when each person left. I curled up on the bed with all of my blankets and pillows trying to not fall asleep and trying not to cry eachtime they all gave me their looks of pity.
I have the best fucking managers in the world. There are just no words to describe how I feel about Allison, she took my hand to talk to me, hugged me, cried with me and then handed her car keys to me so I could go home. I went to the hospital because she asked me to atleast get checked out. And with her doing me this huge favor instead of me just staying in viera til they got out late tonight to come home, I did it. I am thankful that Lee got me there.
I am supposed to be out of work for the next 7 or 8 days, but HA my bills fucking rely on it way too much so I'll probably just be off for these next two days and go in to train on wednesday. Nothing is going to be the same. I can already tell. I am not going to talk to any of the guys on the line the same way, I think that I will break down crying if any of them touch me or make an inappropriate comment. *sigh*
I apologize ahead of time because for the next god knows how many days, I will not be emotionally stable and will be moody as hell probably. I might snap or I might just blatantly ignore people. I'll probably keep in contact on a need basis at this point in time. Wont feel the need to update because I'll be feeling the exact same fucking shit. But as it starts to sink in I'll probably update, if you dont want to read about it, dont read my journal, if you dont want to hear about it let alone hear something si wrong with me, dont fucking call me or talk to me.
C'est la vie, right?