Fic: Five times an Avenger tried to kill Methos and one time they actually did (temporarily).
Title: Five times an Avenger tried to kill Methos and one time they actually did (temporarily).
Rating PG
Fandoms: Marvel Avengers, Highlander
Characters: Methos, Joe and the Avengers!
Captain America
It happened in Berlin in 1943 and they called it friendly fire. Methos called it being hit on the head by a spinning metal disk hurtled through the air by a super powered American. He hadn’t been coldcocked with a shield since the fourteenth century but he was pretty certain it wasn’t supposed to hurt that much.
Apparently, Rogers had been real broken up about it. He had even single handedly carried him to the infirmary through heavy fire and armed tanks. Methos was sure it had been an unforgettable moment of heroism but he had been too busy being unconscious at the time to truly appreciate the gesture.
For years afterwards, he couldn’t look at the star spangled banner without wincing.
Hawkeye
“Holy shit,” Joe said, as Methos half ran, half fell into the bar. “Why is there an arrow in your ass?”
“Don’t ask,” Methos said, through gritted teeth. “I’m going to need scotch for this...and a pair of pliers.”
Joe smirked as he folded his arms. “Oh, this I gotta see.”
“You've got no heart, Joe,” Methos said plaintively.
“Oh yeah? Well maybe I’d feel more sympathetic if I knew how it happened!” Joe drawled.
“Evil archer assassin,” Methos said promptly.
Joe blinked. “You’re shitting me.”
“Well, maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit about the evil part,” Methos allowed. “But he isn’t very nice... and this is Amanda’s fault anyway.”
Joe let out a bark of laughter. “So you’re the idiot she convinced to help her break into the desert S.H.I.E.L.D. facility? Sometimes I wonder about you, old man.”
“Yeah, sometimes I wonder about me too,” Methos muttered.
Thor
Apparently, in a certain light, a drunken Norse god can mistake you for his brother while you’re lurking in a dark alley - especially after a quickening. This is not an experience Methos would recommend to anyone.
“Loki, my false hearted brother, you have returned!” the giant thundered, squinting into the shadows as he stepped into the alley. “Why has our Father released you?”
Which was when Thor tripped over the headless body and Methos learned that Thor's Hammer wasn’t just a metaphor.
It was Fury who bailed him out of jail the next day. “Still skulking your way through history, I see,” he drawled.
“Nice to know you still have your way with words,” Methos bit back.
Fury just smirked. “See you soon, old man. They’re charging you with murder.”
Iron Man
Tony Stark was even more irritating than his father - and Howard Stark had been pretty bloody irritating. He had especially vivid memories of being stuck behind enemy lines due to Stark Senior’s atrocious flying skills and being subjected to six hours of hiding in a French hedgerow in the pouring rain, whilst being serenaded with a rowdy rendition of 'Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer on the Panzer Tank' off key.
Coughing, Methos extricated himself from the remains of his SUV by squeezing through the gaping hole that used to be his windscreen and fell onto the pavement. Between the alien invasion and Fury deciding that his World War II commission still held water, it was turning into one hell of day. He rolled onto his back and glared evilly at the figure who’d totalled his car.
“Sorry,” Tony said, as his face shield slid up. “I needed a soft landing.”
Oh great, another Stark that couldn’t fly to save his life.
The Hulk
Hulk Smash!
Black Widow
Two bullets straight through his heart, shot through the bars of the slit window near the ceiling. She must have been waiting a good two hours for the opportunity to take that shot.
He woke up in a dumpster in the lower west side, the remains of a Big Mac meal sprinkled over him. Groaning, he pushed at the dumpster’s lid and climbed out.
Natalia Romanoff pushed away from the wall she was leaning against. “Car is at the end of the alley,” she said.
“I’m not talking to you,” he said.
“Big baby,” she said. “You know as well as I, H.Y.D.R.A. wasn’t going to let you go alive.”
“You could have called in the troops!” he protested, as he liberated the last of the fries from his clothes.
Natalia rolled her eyes. “Right,” she said. “That's exactly what I should have done, put mortal lives on the line for you, an Immortal. Come on, Fury’s waiting for our report.”
“I’m retired, you know,” Methos said pointedly as they headed back to the car.
“Congratulations, I’ll buy you a Zimmer Frame for Christmas,” Natalia said.
“Also, I’ve now been killed in action,” Methos said, as he poked a finger through one of the holes in his sweater. “I’m sure there’s a regulation somewhere that says you can’t serve while legally dead.”
Natalia sighed. “You never read the small print in the contract, did you?” She patted his back. “Never mind. He’ll get bored of you eventually.”
Methos remembered the gleeful grin on Fury’s face when he made him sign the contract in triplicate in exchange for dropping the murder charges, and sighed. “Not anytime soon, I suspect,” he muttered.
FINIS
Rating PG
Fandoms: Marvel Avengers, Highlander
Characters: Methos, Joe and the Avengers!
Captain America
It happened in Berlin in 1943 and they called it friendly fire. Methos called it being hit on the head by a spinning metal disk hurtled through the air by a super powered American. He hadn’t been coldcocked with a shield since the fourteenth century but he was pretty certain it wasn’t supposed to hurt that much.
Apparently, Rogers had been real broken up about it. He had even single handedly carried him to the infirmary through heavy fire and armed tanks. Methos was sure it had been an unforgettable moment of heroism but he had been too busy being unconscious at the time to truly appreciate the gesture.
For years afterwards, he couldn’t look at the star spangled banner without wincing.
Hawkeye
“Holy shit,” Joe said, as Methos half ran, half fell into the bar. “Why is there an arrow in your ass?”
“Don’t ask,” Methos said, through gritted teeth. “I’m going to need scotch for this...and a pair of pliers.”
Joe smirked as he folded his arms. “Oh, this I gotta see.”
“You've got no heart, Joe,” Methos said plaintively.
“Oh yeah? Well maybe I’d feel more sympathetic if I knew how it happened!” Joe drawled.
“Evil archer assassin,” Methos said promptly.
Joe blinked. “You’re shitting me.”
“Well, maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit about the evil part,” Methos allowed. “But he isn’t very nice... and this is Amanda’s fault anyway.”
Joe let out a bark of laughter. “So you’re the idiot she convinced to help her break into the desert S.H.I.E.L.D. facility? Sometimes I wonder about you, old man.”
“Yeah, sometimes I wonder about me too,” Methos muttered.
Thor
Apparently, in a certain light, a drunken Norse god can mistake you for his brother while you’re lurking in a dark alley - especially after a quickening. This is not an experience Methos would recommend to anyone.
“Loki, my false hearted brother, you have returned!” the giant thundered, squinting into the shadows as he stepped into the alley. “Why has our Father released you?”
Which was when Thor tripped over the headless body and Methos learned that Thor's Hammer wasn’t just a metaphor.
It was Fury who bailed him out of jail the next day. “Still skulking your way through history, I see,” he drawled.
“Nice to know you still have your way with words,” Methos bit back.
Fury just smirked. “See you soon, old man. They’re charging you with murder.”
Iron Man
Tony Stark was even more irritating than his father - and Howard Stark had been pretty bloody irritating. He had especially vivid memories of being stuck behind enemy lines due to Stark Senior’s atrocious flying skills and being subjected to six hours of hiding in a French hedgerow in the pouring rain, whilst being serenaded with a rowdy rendition of 'Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer on the Panzer Tank' off key.
Coughing, Methos extricated himself from the remains of his SUV by squeezing through the gaping hole that used to be his windscreen and fell onto the pavement. Between the alien invasion and Fury deciding that his World War II commission still held water, it was turning into one hell of day. He rolled onto his back and glared evilly at the figure who’d totalled his car.
“Sorry,” Tony said, as his face shield slid up. “I needed a soft landing.”
Oh great, another Stark that couldn’t fly to save his life.
The Hulk
Hulk Smash!
Black Widow
Two bullets straight through his heart, shot through the bars of the slit window near the ceiling. She must have been waiting a good two hours for the opportunity to take that shot.
He woke up in a dumpster in the lower west side, the remains of a Big Mac meal sprinkled over him. Groaning, he pushed at the dumpster’s lid and climbed out.
Natalia Romanoff pushed away from the wall she was leaning against. “Car is at the end of the alley,” she said.
“I’m not talking to you,” he said.
“Big baby,” she said. “You know as well as I, H.Y.D.R.A. wasn’t going to let you go alive.”
“You could have called in the troops!” he protested, as he liberated the last of the fries from his clothes.
Natalia rolled her eyes. “Right,” she said. “That's exactly what I should have done, put mortal lives on the line for you, an Immortal. Come on, Fury’s waiting for our report.”
“I’m retired, you know,” Methos said pointedly as they headed back to the car.
“Congratulations, I’ll buy you a Zimmer Frame for Christmas,” Natalia said.
“Also, I’ve now been killed in action,” Methos said, as he poked a finger through one of the holes in his sweater. “I’m sure there’s a regulation somewhere that says you can’t serve while legally dead.”
Natalia sighed. “You never read the small print in the contract, did you?” She patted his back. “Never mind. He’ll get bored of you eventually.”
Methos remembered the gleeful grin on Fury’s face when he made him sign the contract in triplicate in exchange for dropping the murder charges, and sighed. “Not anytime soon, I suspect,” he muttered.
FINIS