Danger's At the Tip of Her Fingers~
Hm. Can't begin to explain what's going on in me.
I never have to fight urges or repress thoughts, much anymore.
Bit by bit, my life and thoughts and concerns are centralizing on myself. It's a good thing - great, really.
But something about it just doesn't feel right...
All of...this has made me into a whole other person. Josh says I'm a bitch who puts up with less shit and Angelica says I'm more of what my astrology signs define me to be. It's always been known that I was unhappy with the way I portrayed myself as quiet and shy and insignificant. Eventually, I came to believe that, deep down, I was simply that, regardless of knowing that I didn't want to be like that. I've always kept in mind the, 'If there's a will, there's a way.' quote, however. I guess the turning factor was learning the essential way of life: fuck the others, go for what you want.
The noble truth I have to continuously remind myself of is the fact that you can want everyone to like you, you can want someone to like you more, even love you, but you can never have the former and, sometimes, you can't have the latter, either - so fuck 'em all. I wasted all of my life, up till recently, attempting to be that girl who no one could dislike because I never gave anyone a reason to like or dislike me; from the outside, looking in, relationships always seemed pointless, and with that attitude, it wasn't hard to keep my heart locked up in a box, where loneliness was a comfort and being around others was a stress, rather than fun. Alex having known me all of last year, and I of him, described how I was to him during last year, before we became more than acquaintances. I had earned the title, "Kbob's Girlfriend", that's all I was - I was just there, never saying a word aside from a squee or two. I was a flat character in a round world, not only to him, but also to the others that I acted that way around.
The whole time I was doing so, I knew that I was portraying this person who wasn't me; sometimes, the only way I can accurately describe it was as this wall of a personality built to protect the soft-hearted crybaby underneath, maybe. The crybaby in me has toughened up, though, for you see, at some point, hurt became something worth enduring for a greater purpose beyond my knowing. I believe part of this purpose has unfolded, as this lesson in life has taught me to endure pain and rejection - the things I once feared most.
I'm far from what I once was, not too long ago. I have more self-esteem and respect for myself. I feel like I've loosened the bondages I held the self I've always wanted to become back with, and everything's just falling into place as it pulls itself loose the rest of the way. I not longer beat myself up over anything of what happened, because I have nothing to regret throughout it all, because, at one point every action I took was for something I sincerely wanted, so I went for it, like anyone else would.
I've rediscovered art and intend to be livening up my dA with thirty-day art challenges, soon. I watched 'Supersize Me' and have decided to quit Wendy's, for good and to join a group fitness program offerred at the gym, for not particular reason aside from wanting better for myself, in all aspects.
I know what I want, I know who I am, I know what I love, and I'm learning to love myself as I sculpt every part of me - heart, soul, and body into what I want. I know that I'm going to be a great wife to someone, one day, whether I'm so in a legally-bound title or simply in title of heart. (Marriage isn't particularly important to me.) I know that I'm amazing and wonderful and that I deserve someone equally amazing and wonderful that can appreciate my awesomeness as I can, theirs - thus, we can bask in uber amazing awesomeness.
Though the heart strings still tug, they feel weaker and it scares me, despite how good it is for me, right now. It's just scary, thinking back to a time where three days apart was unbearable on both sides and comparing the intensity of my feelings from then to now, where someone asked about him and I asked 'Who?', legitimately forgetting who he was and all the significance he once held, for a moment. I remind myself, daily, that the person I loved was just an idea of what I thought him or us to be capable of; regardless of what happens to him, of how he lives his day-to-day life, now, he's nothing but a chronicle of memories to me and the only thing he could ever be to me for the next year, at least, is text on a screen - no warming touch, no wordless, emotionless sex or shallow kisses to be had. Without those, we were nothing. I still find myself thinking back to the scenarios that return to mind to make sense of what was and it helps, in a strange way.
I draw more from his character in memories than I ever seemed to solve about him while I was with him. My mind has been returning to a particular time in February, for some reason, when he had been telling me that if I wanted, I was free to walk away from the relationship at any time to pursue anyone else; that hurt, because he knew that I cared a great deal about him and, usually, people want to be wanted by the ones they're with. At the same time, however, he had a streak of jealousy that showed itself evident a few times; one night, in particular, has been popping up in my mind more than it should, where it was evident even to Willie, of whom I'd been opening up emotional connections with, for the first time that night. It was a Friday, where the group-formerly-known-as-Gamers'-Alliance would spend those evenings in the computer science building, taking up two or three classrooms on a hall for various games or movies or what have you. While most of the gamers were in one or two of the rooms, Willie and I were speaking in a room that peoples' things were in, but had been abandoned for other various activities. Justin would occasionally pop in from playing Blazblue and Monster Hunter to check on us every so often, since he wouldn't say much and would just walk off, seemingly defeated or feeling left out. Willie had taken notice of the jealous behavior, immediately; I, however, didn't think it to be, what with his casual invitation for me to leave him. Then, one of the times he popped in, he came in wearing my hoodie - something he never did. That was when I finally took notice of it as a classical act of territoriality, it actually made me feel wanted and cared about - though, I guess, there's something childish about feeling affection from the negative emotions of the person who's jealous. When Willie saw that desperate plea for attention, he told me something that I will, seemingly, never forget, as cliched as it was, "I've taken up too much of your lovely time, now, go to him, he needs you." Heh.
Oddly enough, this memory triggered another, quite early one, of it being a nippy night outside as we all proceeded to walk to the cars from having watched Black Dynamite at Quentin's place, where Pines put his coat over my shoulders, with Justin walking right next to me; he quickly proceeded to take it off, put his own coat around me, and hand Pines back his. The memory is laughably cute. What is that adorable quality to light-hearted jealousy?
I dunno why I like sharing these moments of my life with you, they just stick out in my mind as important; I find more contentment in sharing these than the bad. Good times were had, and these are the memories left behind.
I never have to fight urges or repress thoughts, much anymore.
Bit by bit, my life and thoughts and concerns are centralizing on myself. It's a good thing - great, really.
But something about it just doesn't feel right...
All of...this has made me into a whole other person. Josh says I'm a bitch who puts up with less shit and Angelica says I'm more of what my astrology signs define me to be. It's always been known that I was unhappy with the way I portrayed myself as quiet and shy and insignificant. Eventually, I came to believe that, deep down, I was simply that, regardless of knowing that I didn't want to be like that. I've always kept in mind the, 'If there's a will, there's a way.' quote, however. I guess the turning factor was learning the essential way of life: fuck the others, go for what you want.
The noble truth I have to continuously remind myself of is the fact that you can want everyone to like you, you can want someone to like you more, even love you, but you can never have the former and, sometimes, you can't have the latter, either - so fuck 'em all. I wasted all of my life, up till recently, attempting to be that girl who no one could dislike because I never gave anyone a reason to like or dislike me; from the outside, looking in, relationships always seemed pointless, and with that attitude, it wasn't hard to keep my heart locked up in a box, where loneliness was a comfort and being around others was a stress, rather than fun. Alex having known me all of last year, and I of him, described how I was to him during last year, before we became more than acquaintances. I had earned the title, "Kbob's Girlfriend", that's all I was - I was just there, never saying a word aside from a squee or two. I was a flat character in a round world, not only to him, but also to the others that I acted that way around.
The whole time I was doing so, I knew that I was portraying this person who wasn't me; sometimes, the only way I can accurately describe it was as this wall of a personality built to protect the soft-hearted crybaby underneath, maybe. The crybaby in me has toughened up, though, for you see, at some point, hurt became something worth enduring for a greater purpose beyond my knowing. I believe part of this purpose has unfolded, as this lesson in life has taught me to endure pain and rejection - the things I once feared most.
I'm far from what I once was, not too long ago. I have more self-esteem and respect for myself. I feel like I've loosened the bondages I held the self I've always wanted to become back with, and everything's just falling into place as it pulls itself loose the rest of the way. I not longer beat myself up over anything of what happened, because I have nothing to regret throughout it all, because, at one point every action I took was for something I sincerely wanted, so I went for it, like anyone else would.
I've rediscovered art and intend to be livening up my dA with thirty-day art challenges, soon. I watched 'Supersize Me' and have decided to quit Wendy's, for good and to join a group fitness program offerred at the gym, for not particular reason aside from wanting better for myself, in all aspects.
I know what I want, I know who I am, I know what I love, and I'm learning to love myself as I sculpt every part of me - heart, soul, and body into what I want. I know that I'm going to be a great wife to someone, one day, whether I'm so in a legally-bound title or simply in title of heart. (Marriage isn't particularly important to me.) I know that I'm amazing and wonderful and that I deserve someone equally amazing and wonderful that can appreciate my awesomeness as I can, theirs - thus, we can bask in uber amazing awesomeness.
Though the heart strings still tug, they feel weaker and it scares me, despite how good it is for me, right now. It's just scary, thinking back to a time where three days apart was unbearable on both sides and comparing the intensity of my feelings from then to now, where someone asked about him and I asked 'Who?', legitimately forgetting who he was and all the significance he once held, for a moment. I remind myself, daily, that the person I loved was just an idea of what I thought him or us to be capable of; regardless of what happens to him, of how he lives his day-to-day life, now, he's nothing but a chronicle of memories to me and the only thing he could ever be to me for the next year, at least, is text on a screen - no warming touch, no wordless, emotionless sex or shallow kisses to be had. Without those, we were nothing. I still find myself thinking back to the scenarios that return to mind to make sense of what was and it helps, in a strange way.
I draw more from his character in memories than I ever seemed to solve about him while I was with him. My mind has been returning to a particular time in February, for some reason, when he had been telling me that if I wanted, I was free to walk away from the relationship at any time to pursue anyone else; that hurt, because he knew that I cared a great deal about him and, usually, people want to be wanted by the ones they're with. At the same time, however, he had a streak of jealousy that showed itself evident a few times; one night, in particular, has been popping up in my mind more than it should, where it was evident even to Willie, of whom I'd been opening up emotional connections with, for the first time that night. It was a Friday, where the group-formerly-known-as-Gamers'-Alliance would spend those evenings in the computer science building, taking up two or three classrooms on a hall for various games or movies or what have you. While most of the gamers were in one or two of the rooms, Willie and I were speaking in a room that peoples' things were in, but had been abandoned for other various activities. Justin would occasionally pop in from playing Blazblue and Monster Hunter to check on us every so often, since he wouldn't say much and would just walk off, seemingly defeated or feeling left out. Willie had taken notice of the jealous behavior, immediately; I, however, didn't think it to be, what with his casual invitation for me to leave him. Then, one of the times he popped in, he came in wearing my hoodie - something he never did. That was when I finally took notice of it as a classical act of territoriality, it actually made me feel wanted and cared about - though, I guess, there's something childish about feeling affection from the negative emotions of the person who's jealous. When Willie saw that desperate plea for attention, he told me something that I will, seemingly, never forget, as cliched as it was, "I've taken up too much of your lovely time, now, go to him, he needs you." Heh.
Oddly enough, this memory triggered another, quite early one, of it being a nippy night outside as we all proceeded to walk to the cars from having watched Black Dynamite at Quentin's place, where Pines put his coat over my shoulders, with Justin walking right next to me; he quickly proceeded to take it off, put his own coat around me, and hand Pines back his. The memory is laughably cute. What is that adorable quality to light-hearted jealousy?
I dunno why I like sharing these moments of my life with you, they just stick out in my mind as important; I find more contentment in sharing these than the bad. Good times were had, and these are the memories left behind.