Be Careful Of The Curse That Falls On Young Lovers...
It's best if I just make myself believe that he doesn't give a fuck about me. That's how it'll end up, anyway. After a year away, he'll have forgotten, completely about me.
You know, sometimes, I wish I could hate him, so much...but I can't...The last time we broke up, I almost said it...I've never wanted to say it to him, before...
Part of the reason of this is because I already know that the choices I made were of my decision, and that, subsequently, whatever actions he took, I enabled. The other part being that I care, too damn much, about him. I never thought taking him back was a stupid or wrong decision; although, always letting him be in control of how we approached the relationship was ridiculous of me; especially, in the very beginning; I still say that fucked everything up. Each time I took him back, I was cautious, yes; but I knew I could trust him to be honest and upfront with me, telling me what I needed to hear, if nothing else. (Even if, our friends speculate that he's, in all likelihood, cheated on me.)
Why do we keep getting back together...? To me, the number of breakups became inconsequential, since I could tell he was confused about us, during the on-and-off period, otherwise, we would've lasted more than a day...or a week during the times that we tried...or, well, I tried...that's why these half-hearted attempts failed, simply because his heart wasn't in it. So then, why? Why has he even bothered coming back, at all, these times, if he knew that he didn't want anything to come of us; didn't even want the relationship to happen...?
Whatever the reason, that's why I told him not to come back unless he was sure that he felt something real for me; something he wouldn't take back within the week or a day... Separating myself from him is hurtful and painful and an, overall, just terrible feeling, especially knowing that it doesn't hurt him, in the least, but unless something develops or changes for the better, it's something that has to be done - something I have to be firm on. No more hanging out as 'just friends', trying to act like nothing ever happened, which, of course, leads to something happening. That's just disrespectful to my feelings, what feelings he may have, and to the past near-2/3's of a year of experiences between us...not to mention, it's Hella confusing, too, with mixed signals, and all.
Why did I always take him back, during this time? I care about him, I want to be with him, and when you ask someone back, it seems like you're wanting things to work out with them, so why would I say no? Yes, I know how it always ended, but circumstances and people change; do they not? He, in particular, is bound for constant change; so I hope(d) that one of those changes would fall in my favor...It did, once in a while...the last time seemed sincere, but...he's constantly changing...I do wish I knew how he actually felt that day, though...
I don't know what I am to him...but I'm, obviously, not someone he can be in love with being in love with, as he, so gleefully, found with Esther. (I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned that he was in love with love, before; back when he was, openly, pursuing it.) Is that the kind of love he wants?
If so, that's unfortunate.
You know, sometimes, I wish I could hate him, so much...but I can't...The last time we broke up, I almost said it...I've never wanted to say it to him, before...
Part of the reason of this is because I already know that the choices I made were of my decision, and that, subsequently, whatever actions he took, I enabled. The other part being that I care, too damn much, about him. I never thought taking him back was a stupid or wrong decision; although, always letting him be in control of how we approached the relationship was ridiculous of me; especially, in the very beginning; I still say that fucked everything up. Each time I took him back, I was cautious, yes; but I knew I could trust him to be honest and upfront with me, telling me what I needed to hear, if nothing else. (Even if, our friends speculate that he's, in all likelihood, cheated on me.)
Why do we keep getting back together...? To me, the number of breakups became inconsequential, since I could tell he was confused about us, during the on-and-off period, otherwise, we would've lasted more than a day...or a week during the times that we tried...or, well, I tried...that's why these half-hearted attempts failed, simply because his heart wasn't in it. So then, why? Why has he even bothered coming back, at all, these times, if he knew that he didn't want anything to come of us; didn't even want the relationship to happen...?
Whatever the reason, that's why I told him not to come back unless he was sure that he felt something real for me; something he wouldn't take back within the week or a day... Separating myself from him is hurtful and painful and an, overall, just terrible feeling, especially knowing that it doesn't hurt him, in the least, but unless something develops or changes for the better, it's something that has to be done - something I have to be firm on. No more hanging out as 'just friends', trying to act like nothing ever happened, which, of course, leads to something happening. That's just disrespectful to my feelings, what feelings he may have, and to the past near-2/3's of a year of experiences between us...not to mention, it's Hella confusing, too, with mixed signals, and all.
Why did I always take him back, during this time? I care about him, I want to be with him, and when you ask someone back, it seems like you're wanting things to work out with them, so why would I say no? Yes, I know how it always ended, but circumstances and people change; do they not? He, in particular, is bound for constant change; so I hope(d) that one of those changes would fall in my favor...It did, once in a while...the last time seemed sincere, but...he's constantly changing...I do wish I knew how he actually felt that day, though...
I don't know what I am to him...but I'm, obviously, not someone he can be in love with being in love with, as he, so gleefully, found with Esther. (I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned that he was in love with love, before; back when he was, openly, pursuing it.) Is that the kind of love he wants?
If so, that's unfortunate.