She Is Beautiful, But She Don't Mean A Thing To Me...
Two days ago...
I went through my classes, and went to sit on the campus monument. I people-watched for a bit, hoping in the back of my mind that he would appear, but I knew that he wouldn't; he never did when I wanted him to.
Imagine my surprise when he did, in fact, appear, just as I had imagined and wanted, and he took a seat next to me...We spoke and spoke and spoke for three, maybe four hours with long pauses between conversations. With our bodies washed in sunlight, the bell tower tolled an extra toll for each passing hour...Love and logic, truly, have no role in the existence of one-another...
I am a friend, at most. I am liked, but I cannot be loved. I wasn't missed in my absence. Nothing will come of anything.
I learned something comforting, yet absolutely heartbreaking, that even he felt the same about. Had we not feared the loss of a sweet friendship, had we not experimented, had we, instead, given it a real go, the opportunity for a natural relationship to develop and evolve, it's possible that we could've been happily in love since long before now...right now, even. However, we threw that chance away...
Who's to say, though, that we may not find one-another, again, as other, matured people, one day? If not then, perhaps, in another life, when we are both cats.
This was us. This has always been us. Certain scenes are painfully familiar.
This comment followed the video. It helps me to understand, but doesn't, at the same time:
"'She is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me,' I had a moment with a girl like this a few years ago. Being a guy I thought it was all about having the hottest chick but when I found that hot girl she was smart, caring, and basically perfect but something was missing. And it hurt so damn bad to cut her lose when she did everything right. Ever since then I feel more mature in dating... Its no longer a meaningless charade as a means to sex."
What is it in the core of people that we do so desire? The author of this comment, was he looking for a flawed gem, rather than perfection? Someone in need of saving, perhaps? Is it possible to gain the missing aspects of our core? Is it possible to alter our core, altogether, becoming something else - a whole other element, in the process? Or are we damned to our deficiencies, without hope of escape?
I like to think not.
In other news, I attempted at parkour for the second time with Justin and the other parkourers. I did a great deal better this time than I did the first, back when I tried it in August or September, was it? It was when I had irritated Justin with my lack of self-confidence in my abilities...because of that, I had negative feelings towards trying it, again, after that, but I'm glad I gave it another chance after growing some, now.
Even though the shoes I was wearing were unfit for such activities and I got rather bruised and scratched up, I successfully, though ungracefully, climbed up and down walls, learned to jump quietly and softly, and learned to ricochet myself from one place to a higher place. I need practice, of course; however, there was something about myself that particularly surprised me...I wasn't terribly self-conscious this time, and I didn't get frustrated by my failed attempts. People walked by, watched us, and I still attempted, regardless. The first time, I was so afraid that people would judge me for it that I refused to attempt anything while people passed by, which there were many of, and I got so frustrated by not being successful that I kept repeating over and over that I just couldn't do it. I'm glad to see that I truly have loosened up, that I have come across some self-growth on the way here. Although...it's still not enough.
Why can't I just switch off my inhibitions? I want to not give a fuck, I want to have the courage to scream across long distances to call out to a friend, I want to not be afraid of making funny or ugly faces in photos, (although, the fact that people laugh at my face when they take a normal shot of me doesn't really help...but I want to be able to laugh with them at it, not take a blow to my ego from it.) I want to see myself as an equal to others and not as a nuisance to them. I want to be playfully unique and selectively loud. I want to have fun, interesting conversations, not riddled with awkward pauses and discontinuity. I want to be a part of a group conversation, instead of simply observing it and biting my tongue at any comment I might wish to offer. I want to be the life of the party. I want people to want me, in particular, at their social gatherings. Most of all, I want to be and feel natural, in all aspects.
It's a hefty ambition, I know, but I think I can do it. In the meantime, I believe it's best to avoid dating anyone until I have become the person I envision myself to, one day, be. Let the time of loneliness be the catalyst that expedites my transformation.
Let me learn to love myself before I can ever hope to truly love another.
I went through my classes, and went to sit on the campus monument. I people-watched for a bit, hoping in the back of my mind that he would appear, but I knew that he wouldn't; he never did when I wanted him to.
Imagine my surprise when he did, in fact, appear, just as I had imagined and wanted, and he took a seat next to me...We spoke and spoke and spoke for three, maybe four hours with long pauses between conversations. With our bodies washed in sunlight, the bell tower tolled an extra toll for each passing hour...Love and logic, truly, have no role in the existence of one-another...
I am a friend, at most. I am liked, but I cannot be loved. I wasn't missed in my absence. Nothing will come of anything.
I learned something comforting, yet absolutely heartbreaking, that even he felt the same about. Had we not feared the loss of a sweet friendship, had we not experimented, had we, instead, given it a real go, the opportunity for a natural relationship to develop and evolve, it's possible that we could've been happily in love since long before now...right now, even. However, we threw that chance away...
Who's to say, though, that we may not find one-another, again, as other, matured people, one day? If not then, perhaps, in another life, when we are both cats.
This was us. This has always been us. Certain scenes are painfully familiar.
Click to viewThis comment followed the video. It helps me to understand, but doesn't, at the same time:
"'She is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me,' I had a moment with a girl like this a few years ago. Being a guy I thought it was all about having the hottest chick but when I found that hot girl she was smart, caring, and basically perfect but something was missing. And it hurt so damn bad to cut her lose when she did everything right. Ever since then I feel more mature in dating... Its no longer a meaningless charade as a means to sex."
What is it in the core of people that we do so desire? The author of this comment, was he looking for a flawed gem, rather than perfection? Someone in need of saving, perhaps? Is it possible to gain the missing aspects of our core? Is it possible to alter our core, altogether, becoming something else - a whole other element, in the process? Or are we damned to our deficiencies, without hope of escape?
I like to think not.
In other news, I attempted at parkour for the second time with Justin and the other parkourers. I did a great deal better this time than I did the first, back when I tried it in August or September, was it? It was when I had irritated Justin with my lack of self-confidence in my abilities...because of that, I had negative feelings towards trying it, again, after that, but I'm glad I gave it another chance after growing some, now.
Even though the shoes I was wearing were unfit for such activities and I got rather bruised and scratched up, I successfully, though ungracefully, climbed up and down walls, learned to jump quietly and softly, and learned to ricochet myself from one place to a higher place. I need practice, of course; however, there was something about myself that particularly surprised me...I wasn't terribly self-conscious this time, and I didn't get frustrated by my failed attempts. People walked by, watched us, and I still attempted, regardless. The first time, I was so afraid that people would judge me for it that I refused to attempt anything while people passed by, which there were many of, and I got so frustrated by not being successful that I kept repeating over and over that I just couldn't do it. I'm glad to see that I truly have loosened up, that I have come across some self-growth on the way here. Although...it's still not enough.
Why can't I just switch off my inhibitions? I want to not give a fuck, I want to have the courage to scream across long distances to call out to a friend, I want to not be afraid of making funny or ugly faces in photos, (although, the fact that people laugh at my face when they take a normal shot of me doesn't really help...but I want to be able to laugh with them at it, not take a blow to my ego from it.) I want to see myself as an equal to others and not as a nuisance to them. I want to be playfully unique and selectively loud. I want to have fun, interesting conversations, not riddled with awkward pauses and discontinuity. I want to be a part of a group conversation, instead of simply observing it and biting my tongue at any comment I might wish to offer. I want to be the life of the party. I want people to want me, in particular, at their social gatherings. Most of all, I want to be and feel natural, in all aspects.
It's a hefty ambition, I know, but I think I can do it. In the meantime, I believe it's best to avoid dating anyone until I have become the person I envision myself to, one day, be. Let the time of loneliness be the catalyst that expedites my transformation.
Let me learn to love myself before I can ever hope to truly love another.