Dreams in the Wind...
Ever since I first stepped foot into the Mary Duncan Library, as a child amongst a class visiting a historical, used-to-be-bank-turned-library, it's been a dream of mine to work there. (I've always admired librarians, always wanted to be one...) It's a lovely, quiet place with books, computers, and a most elegant touch of history. My dream as a child for my teenage years was to obtain a part-time job working a mere eight miles from home, loving what I was doing..Seriously, this is a dream I hold in such high regard it's second, only to visting Japan...I would've even volunteered, if it meant I could work behind the desks there.
I was in no suprise yesterday, when the 'Plus Paper' was left in our mailbox, on time as usual, on a Tuesday afternoon. A small-time pleasure for the citizens of a quiet Benson. I brought it to the table, sat down and proceeded to turn to the Want Ads and then the Horoscopes, as is custom for me regarding all newspapers, big or small. Though, before I could even fully pull apart the pages, so thinly glued amongst the top edges, the flimsy paper was snatched from my grasp. I looked up, expecting to see an angry mother (for reasons always unknown), and instead saw her smiling and cracking a joke about how she should be the first to see what's available. With it, she retired to her room, the dark forbidden abyss where all important paperwork vanishes. I shrugged and left, figuring I'd read it when she finished and decided to lay it back into public view (the kitchen table)...no big deal.
This morning, the 25th of November, around noon or so, she comes in, (literally) throws the paper in my general direction mentioning something about the puzzles. (I occasionally partake in the sudokus and about a third of the crosswords.) I thanked her, she left, and I continued where I couldn't start yesterday. The VERY first ad in the Wants is exactly as follows:
"PART-TIME: Library Clerk. Mary Duncan Public Library, Benson. Must have library and computer experience. 19 hours per week. Apply online at www.townofbenson.com. Application will close on Nov. 25th, 2009. EOE."
I think for a moment...I'm the Teacher's Assistant for the library at school...technically library experienc...I've taken several computer classes in school, not to mention checking books in and out using the library's main computer...there was no specified age limit...not sure what 'EOE' meant, though...from what it seemed, I'm perfectly qualified.
I rush out to tell Mother that this is something I'd definitely like...no love to apply for and to ask her why she hadn't told me of it sooner (since, like me, the first thing she does is turn to the Want Ads, too, what with her jobless-ness, still.) Her response is along the lines of, 'I didn't consider it since I don't have any library experience, but I thought you might like it.' You know when that little spark of indignation flares in your chest? Not like raving angry flames or anything, just kind of like the 'what about me!?' flicker? I knew, that she knew, that I had always wanted to work in THAT very library, under THOSE very conditions, and yet she chose not to mention it to me...instead, she just hid it away in her room until the next day, the day of the dealine.
I, very desperate for this opportunity, called the library asking if it was too late to turn in my application and recieved the exact response of, 'so long as you have it in here before we close for the day.' Mother agreed to leave for college early in order to drop off the application in time for me. I looked at the strip of paper I had gotten their phone number from and it said that on Wednesays, it closes at 5:30 p.m. and JUST to make sure, I go to their online website, and check there...5:30 p.m., good. I check the clock, 2:37 p.m. I would have to rush...and so I did.
I pulled out my handy-dandy flash-drive, ran it to the desktop (which is the only computer in our home with internet access), saved the online application (a .pdf file, what fun there >_>'') and then ran the flashdrive over to my laptop, connected that to printer...(had to change black ink cartridges on the printer, absolutely lovely)...finally got all five pages printed out...worked for the next hour and 45 minutes filling out random questions with either 'N/A' or 'No' (the N/A's regarding experience, and the No's mostly regarding criminal history.) I literally filled an entire page, of just work history, with 'N/A', because leaving ANY blank line would result automatically in your application being 'discarded' as the instructions so kindly put it...
By the time I was finished with all those hassles and forms, it was about 4:25 p.m. So I rushed to update an old version of my resume to a more appropriate standard for this particular position. By the time that was done, It was 4:45. I paper-clipped the resume to the back of my application and handed it to Mother, who in turn set it down and continued doing her makeup...Before she left, I had an uneasy, untrustworthy feeling in the pit of my stomach about leaving this matter in her hands (along with a bit of guilt, for having such well-founded fears regarding my own Mother.) Before she made her way out, I mentioned to her, 'Be sure not to forget to drop it off,' as unecessary as the statement was, the tension in my voice was intended to make the matters extreme importance to me, known to her.
'I'm leaving ten minutes early for it, how could I forget,' she retorted, leaving no bit relieved. She was out the door and in her car by 5:01 p.m. (I was very specific about the times.) And if you know Benson and Meadow, you know that it only takes ten minutes, tops, to get from one to the other...Then a thought registered...
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and since business is always slow there, what if they decided to close up early? That would be my luck. So I call them once more, and am assured that they will close ON TIME. So for the next two hours and 45 minutes, I'm feeling good, thinking I've finally somewhat kick-started my adult life, by attaining a job, since it seems as though the odds would've been on my side (I mean seriously, how many people looking for jobs have 'library' experience? That ad was MEANT for me.) But then Mother returns home...
In her hand, are the forms I worked hours on, spent my entire day on...I ask about them the moment she stepped in only to recieve, 'They were closed.' That's when that little spark of indignation flared up into something firece, but controlled...someone was lying to me. As for 'who dunnit' all my bets were on my Mother.
It sounds cruel, I know. But you need to understand my Mother to see where I'm coming from...every other time I've ever mentioned getting a job, Mother would cut in, angrily saying, 'Why don't we start with finding me a job, first!?' (You get used to these sorts of declassing outbursts, after a while.) Mother is a very prideful person, something the rest of our family outside of our household knows all too well of. Hence, it would damage her pride, terribly, if her teenage daughter were to be employed and she not be...I know it sounds like I'm speaking 'sabotage'...and that's because I am. But, like I mentioned earlier, it's well-founded. Mother is one of those people that will fight, tooth-and-nail, to prove that the world is out to get her; she's suspicious of everyone, even...no especially family members...that I became aware of when we returned home from a two day vacation at the beach, one year, to find my dog dead in his pen...of course Mother would jump to conclusions, or moreso on the one person who she knows dislikes dogs, our cat-killing dog, specifically. Ridiculous, it was, and still is...but, back to my point...Mother actually has accused me before of 'undermining' her by applying for jobs in the past, while she, herself, was jobless. Basically, Mom's theory is: 'whoever makes the money and pays the bills holds the power'...and she'd sooner kill-over before she'd let that be me...
I know this has all been one big rant...but this, is the first thing in a long time that's gotten me feeling so down...so...crushed...I don't know if it's because of being lied to and betrayed by my Mother for her own selfish and prideful ways or possibly being lied to by someone holding a position in the public library system that isn't deserving of it...(I'm sorry, but to close down any store, library, or etc. before the specified time is simply wrong, and creates a HORRIBLE inconvenience for others.) My main guess, though, is that, because of an unfortunate series of circumstances, I've let or had by force...(I'm not quite sure)..a childhood dream pass me by...I'm just hoping this doesn't occur again...like with the UNCC application, or a future trip to Japan...
I was in no suprise yesterday, when the 'Plus Paper' was left in our mailbox, on time as usual, on a Tuesday afternoon. A small-time pleasure for the citizens of a quiet Benson. I brought it to the table, sat down and proceeded to turn to the Want Ads and then the Horoscopes, as is custom for me regarding all newspapers, big or small. Though, before I could even fully pull apart the pages, so thinly glued amongst the top edges, the flimsy paper was snatched from my grasp. I looked up, expecting to see an angry mother (for reasons always unknown), and instead saw her smiling and cracking a joke about how she should be the first to see what's available. With it, she retired to her room, the dark forbidden abyss where all important paperwork vanishes. I shrugged and left, figuring I'd read it when she finished and decided to lay it back into public view (the kitchen table)...no big deal.
This morning, the 25th of November, around noon or so, she comes in, (literally) throws the paper in my general direction mentioning something about the puzzles. (I occasionally partake in the sudokus and about a third of the crosswords.) I thanked her, she left, and I continued where I couldn't start yesterday. The VERY first ad in the Wants is exactly as follows:
"PART-TIME: Library Clerk. Mary Duncan Public Library, Benson. Must have library and computer experience. 19 hours per week. Apply online at www.townofbenson.com. Application will close on Nov. 25th, 2009. EOE."
I think for a moment...I'm the Teacher's Assistant for the library at school...technically library experienc...I've taken several computer classes in school, not to mention checking books in and out using the library's main computer...there was no specified age limit...not sure what 'EOE' meant, though...from what it seemed, I'm perfectly qualified.
I rush out to tell Mother that this is something I'd definitely like...no love to apply for and to ask her why she hadn't told me of it sooner (since, like me, the first thing she does is turn to the Want Ads, too, what with her jobless-ness, still.) Her response is along the lines of, 'I didn't consider it since I don't have any library experience, but I thought you might like it.' You know when that little spark of indignation flares in your chest? Not like raving angry flames or anything, just kind of like the 'what about me!?' flicker? I knew, that she knew, that I had always wanted to work in THAT very library, under THOSE very conditions, and yet she chose not to mention it to me...instead, she just hid it away in her room until the next day, the day of the dealine.
I, very desperate for this opportunity, called the library asking if it was too late to turn in my application and recieved the exact response of, 'so long as you have it in here before we close for the day.' Mother agreed to leave for college early in order to drop off the application in time for me. I looked at the strip of paper I had gotten their phone number from and it said that on Wednesays, it closes at 5:30 p.m. and JUST to make sure, I go to their online website, and check there...5:30 p.m., good. I check the clock, 2:37 p.m. I would have to rush...and so I did.
I pulled out my handy-dandy flash-drive, ran it to the desktop (which is the only computer in our home with internet access), saved the online application (a .pdf file, what fun there >_>'') and then ran the flashdrive over to my laptop, connected that to printer...(had to change black ink cartridges on the printer, absolutely lovely)...finally got all five pages printed out...worked for the next hour and 45 minutes filling out random questions with either 'N/A' or 'No' (the N/A's regarding experience, and the No's mostly regarding criminal history.) I literally filled an entire page, of just work history, with 'N/A', because leaving ANY blank line would result automatically in your application being 'discarded' as the instructions so kindly put it...
By the time I was finished with all those hassles and forms, it was about 4:25 p.m. So I rushed to update an old version of my resume to a more appropriate standard for this particular position. By the time that was done, It was 4:45. I paper-clipped the resume to the back of my application and handed it to Mother, who in turn set it down and continued doing her makeup...Before she left, I had an uneasy, untrustworthy feeling in the pit of my stomach about leaving this matter in her hands (along with a bit of guilt, for having such well-founded fears regarding my own Mother.) Before she made her way out, I mentioned to her, 'Be sure not to forget to drop it off,' as unecessary as the statement was, the tension in my voice was intended to make the matters extreme importance to me, known to her.
'I'm leaving ten minutes early for it, how could I forget,' she retorted, leaving no bit relieved. She was out the door and in her car by 5:01 p.m. (I was very specific about the times.) And if you know Benson and Meadow, you know that it only takes ten minutes, tops, to get from one to the other...Then a thought registered...
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and since business is always slow there, what if they decided to close up early? That would be my luck. So I call them once more, and am assured that they will close ON TIME. So for the next two hours and 45 minutes, I'm feeling good, thinking I've finally somewhat kick-started my adult life, by attaining a job, since it seems as though the odds would've been on my side (I mean seriously, how many people looking for jobs have 'library' experience? That ad was MEANT for me.) But then Mother returns home...
In her hand, are the forms I worked hours on, spent my entire day on...I ask about them the moment she stepped in only to recieve, 'They were closed.' That's when that little spark of indignation flared up into something firece, but controlled...someone was lying to me. As for 'who dunnit' all my bets were on my Mother.
It sounds cruel, I know. But you need to understand my Mother to see where I'm coming from...every other time I've ever mentioned getting a job, Mother would cut in, angrily saying, 'Why don't we start with finding me a job, first!?' (You get used to these sorts of declassing outbursts, after a while.) Mother is a very prideful person, something the rest of our family outside of our household knows all too well of. Hence, it would damage her pride, terribly, if her teenage daughter were to be employed and she not be...I know it sounds like I'm speaking 'sabotage'...and that's because I am. But, like I mentioned earlier, it's well-founded. Mother is one of those people that will fight, tooth-and-nail, to prove that the world is out to get her; she's suspicious of everyone, even...no especially family members...that I became aware of when we returned home from a two day vacation at the beach, one year, to find my dog dead in his pen...of course Mother would jump to conclusions, or moreso on the one person who she knows dislikes dogs, our cat-killing dog, specifically. Ridiculous, it was, and still is...but, back to my point...Mother actually has accused me before of 'undermining' her by applying for jobs in the past, while she, herself, was jobless. Basically, Mom's theory is: 'whoever makes the money and pays the bills holds the power'...and she'd sooner kill-over before she'd let that be me...
I know this has all been one big rant...but this, is the first thing in a long time that's gotten me feeling so down...so...crushed...I don't know if it's because of being lied to and betrayed by my Mother for her own selfish and prideful ways or possibly being lied to by someone holding a position in the public library system that isn't deserving of it...(I'm sorry, but to close down any store, library, or etc. before the specified time is simply wrong, and creates a HORRIBLE inconvenience for others.) My main guess, though, is that, because of an unfortunate series of circumstances, I've let or had by force...(I'm not quite sure)..a childhood dream pass me by...I'm just hoping this doesn't occur again...like with the UNCC application, or a future trip to Japan...