Today....
You know normally I write posts just to show off things or just to write for attention. For some hope that ppl will post but you know what no one really does. Cept Kim so whats the point of having a live journal then just keeping things private. Today I got up dealt with really crappy traffic and thought why. Why I'm I always in the chronic circle of wants and confusion. When i'm in a state of just me their is only one person I goto. The only person I can never date or try to hit thats Leslie Coyle. Les is six monthes younger then me has the same Upper class parents as me. Yet she's already independent she moved out of her home pays rent. She does her own thing and she's happy about it. So why I'm I here thinking about Kim yet when I do I'm just nothing. Maybe I have just come to terms that maybe I just need to be alone. I took of today making it a half-day. I'm not quiting i'm just needed a day to really think what I'm I going to do. My realtionship is basically really messed up. You know what why dont I celebrate easter it is christs rising. Why do I listen to my dad. The more I think I relize i'm manipulated bc I manipulate myself. I am the reason why everything is so messed up. I'm the reason why Kim and I are so meserable. Because I .still cling on to dad then I use his words and not my own I want to hear praise for the things I do because I'm use to it. I'm not on a speal saying "no more" I'm not going to do it. I'm just saying I need to change and find my own voice. Maybe Kim's right maybe she's wrong I dont know bc my voice doesnt have an opion just frustration. My names Jeremy I lie bc I want things to go my way. I dont take the time to take care of people bc I don't feel like dealing with the upkeep so much. I'm use to women holding my hand. I think god put Kim here for a test. Yet I feel Leslie is here to make me stop holding on to old things. We talked for 2 hours today. 2 hours is really how long I can talk to people I don't like talking to much. Though i'm a chatty Kathy when I start up. I have a son and I have to learn from him bc I have to teach him about life. While raising him he raises me thats probably why god wants me and Kim to have a child. So we can grow up into wonderful parents. So what do I do now where do I go from here. I drop the old and start over. So i'm starting over and making new friends. Friends that won't leave me in a circle. Les is god bearing so I'll go from there. Kim I have something to say. I made up a plan that goes a along with yours. I was going to give you the money I get from this job. Then give a ring hoping you would say yes. Then I would tell you my new plan which was to stay here for 8 monthes. Why? Because we have really bad debt and the CSC could help us clear it if we get the money to pay it off. That way after the 8 monthes I would have a enough to put down for a condo in Florida. Florida makes 33% less then Ga does so I wouldn't find a good job going south. Yet if we had money saved It would help us. See that way we wouldn't ever have to go back to our shitty parents house again. On top of that we could own a condo together on the beach in Jax. It was plan I was going to tell you after I proposed. I knew if I didnt propose you wouldn't say yes. The money that from this job I would give to you for living and Connor. It would be 4,000 like we said it would just be for you tho. To replace things I broke and lost. I'm sure it would help keep you mom at bay to since she's different then my dad. I'm not getting into that so dont get mad. I told 6 other ppl this plan about 2 weeks ago. They liked it and said it was smart. That it was also very possible since we would clear our debt. Thats what I was keeping inside since things are mucked up. I might as well keep going I feel as if you plans are fine for the now. Yet they never involve like 5 years from now. I love you Kim but I feel as if you need me to think further ahead. I've been planning not dreaming anymore. If we owned a condo we could get equity then save up for a house. Then you could have your home i feel as if my plan is better then Bradons. My plan doesnt involve you working but becoming a full time student. I would pay for while working 2 jobs as a pharm tech. Its the only way it would work. I'm willing to sacrifice for it. One job would take care of bills and Connor the other is our savings. Of course day care is involve bc if you a full time student Connor will need to be watched. I've been afraid of telling u my idea 's bc I always think your going to leave me. Yet right now I just want everything out in the open. I don't communicate with you well bc I feel as if I don't have much to talk to you about. I think we should share intrests. Look its my fault why things are they way they are. Yet our personalities can co-exist. I'm willing to transfer your religion as well. Mine doesnt make much sense to me anyway. I just want a life either on my own. Or with you your choice. I love you and please let me know.