So, sorry about this...
I hate to be angsty, bit it seems like angst is the only thing that pushes me to post on LJ.
I'm scared. I'm Twenty-three years old and my life hasn't gone anywhere. And yes I used gone in the past tense for a reason. I feel like my window of opportunity is quickly closing. I'm not the type of person who can push myself to do extraordinary things. In order to be successful and/or happy you have to know what you want, know what you're good at, and work your butt off for it. You have to be a go-getter. A go-getter I am not. Obviously I have a hard time motivating myself to work as I always have. Part of the reason for this (most of it actually) is that I don't know what I want out of life. everything seems horrible or horribly un-attainable. As for what I'm good at, that's just it. I'm good at nothing. It seems like everyone around me is brimming with some kind of talent and I'm just stuck envying them. I'm a terrible drummer because I'm un-coordinated and i have little to no formal training. I can't draw straight to save my life and I have no eye for perspective or depth. I can't compose a decent sentence without a struggle, let alone write anything poetic that anyone would want to read or hear. I can't focus on more than one thing at a time. I panic physically when I speak or preform publicly. I have an un-comforting, cold personality. Do I need to go on?
The one thing I do that makes me happy is the band. Here is why that sucks.
(1) as mentioned above, I am a terrible drummer. The one thing I love doing and I'm so obviously not cut out for it.
(2) I will never be able to write or compose good music. I have the writing skills of an eight-year-old and I know nothing about music. Basically I just lay, anyone-could-do-this beats down behind songs that where written by Ned an Kara who are actually talented.
(3) We will never be rock stars of any magnitude, not that I ever expected to be, but here's the problem. That means that the Founders will never be my job, it will always be my hobby. So how do I keep a roof over my head and food on my table without pushing the one thing that doesn't make me want to open up a vain to the sidelines?
On top of all this is the tremendous amount of guilt because Ned and Kara both put way more time and effort in to this than I do. Basically all my time and effort goes into not getting fired from my shitty job and getting enough sleep during the day to continue not getting fired from my shitty job.
Also I cut my finger on a soup-can lid today.
kthxbi
I'm scared. I'm Twenty-three years old and my life hasn't gone anywhere. And yes I used gone in the past tense for a reason. I feel like my window of opportunity is quickly closing. I'm not the type of person who can push myself to do extraordinary things. In order to be successful and/or happy you have to know what you want, know what you're good at, and work your butt off for it. You have to be a go-getter. A go-getter I am not. Obviously I have a hard time motivating myself to work as I always have. Part of the reason for this (most of it actually) is that I don't know what I want out of life. everything seems horrible or horribly un-attainable. As for what I'm good at, that's just it. I'm good at nothing. It seems like everyone around me is brimming with some kind of talent and I'm just stuck envying them. I'm a terrible drummer because I'm un-coordinated and i have little to no formal training. I can't draw straight to save my life and I have no eye for perspective or depth. I can't compose a decent sentence without a struggle, let alone write anything poetic that anyone would want to read or hear. I can't focus on more than one thing at a time. I panic physically when I speak or preform publicly. I have an un-comforting, cold personality. Do I need to go on?
The one thing I do that makes me happy is the band. Here is why that sucks.
(1) as mentioned above, I am a terrible drummer. The one thing I love doing and I'm so obviously not cut out for it.
(2) I will never be able to write or compose good music. I have the writing skills of an eight-year-old and I know nothing about music. Basically I just lay, anyone-could-do-this beats down behind songs that where written by Ned an Kara who are actually talented.
(3) We will never be rock stars of any magnitude, not that I ever expected to be, but here's the problem. That means that the Founders will never be my job, it will always be my hobby. So how do I keep a roof over my head and food on my table without pushing the one thing that doesn't make me want to open up a vain to the sidelines?
On top of all this is the tremendous amount of guilt because Ned and Kara both put way more time and effort in to this than I do. Basically all my time and effort goes into not getting fired from my shitty job and getting enough sleep during the day to continue not getting fired from my shitty job.
Also I cut my finger on a soup-can lid today.
kthxbi