Ruminating Mood
Sometimes I think about things.
Things that I don't tend to dwell on very much, like friends from the past I haven't spoken to in years, or earlier times in my life that now seem like a movie I watched about someone else.
I'm not feeling depressed, not really? All things considered, I feel okay. I feel like there's hope for the future and like I can accomplish things. I feel like things will ultimately be okay, because I'm a survivor and a people person, and those things always ensure that I land on my feet.
It's just...weird, you know? It feels weird to look back over my life and to be able to think "Yeah, I used to act and feel that way because I was depressed and anxious." It's better now, with treatment, and experience, and knowing what's wrong. It's easy to remember that there are things I like about fall, or that a sunny Sunday afternoon can be spent productively or having fun, or that even when things seem their worst, they will improve again.
So yeah, I'm not depressed going into this new year, far from it. It's just that I'm reading about someone realizing what's up around the same time in life I did, and it's triggered something in me to mull on those things a bit. About how all the pieces fell into place once I finally realized what the hell the problem was. I dunno. It's kind of comforting, looking back and realizing that those bad feelings weren't normal and don't have to be the usual way of things.
I am a bit worried about Mandako's visit, for various reasons, but I think whatever happens, I'll survive. Things aren't always easy, change in particular, but I think we're at a point where the status quo just can't cut it anymore. It'll be nice to get some closure on where we're headed.
Anyway, let's end this on a positive note. I've started cutting out snacks from my diet for the most part, and I've been going up 7 flights of stairs every time I go to the office on a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. It's really been nice--I'm sore right now because I'm so out of shape, but I feel better overall, and I'm noticing a definite difference in my weight and how my clothes fit, too. Feels good.
Anyway, here's to a great 2019, and a great life ahead of me.