what if
Fuji weaved his fingers through Tezuka’s hair as he straddled the older boy’s back. Seigaku’s game with Hyotei ended a few hours ago, and after eating their fill at Kawamura’s celebration party they left for the captain’s house. It would be conveniently empty except for the two of them, since Tezuka’s family was out of town visiting relatives. The first round of the Kantou tournament wasn’t a very big deal to non-tennis lovers. Fuji, who was currently giving his boyfriend a massage, trying to ease some of the tension in his muscles, tried his best to keep his mind off of the days’ events. It would do them no good to dwell on their misfortune. They won, it should be enough. Besides, Fuji was more than certain Atobe would get his in due time. Revenge may be sweet, but he knew that Karma was a bitch.
“A little lower Syusuke.” Tezuka said interrupting Fuji’s musing. He went back to massaging Tezuka’s muscles. He began to rub the tense flesh just below his injured shoulder, causing Tezuka to shiver.
“How long do you think it’ll take for you to get better, since it’s your shoulder instead of the elbow?”
“I don’t know, maybe a month, maybe more. But it’ll be ok as long as you keep giving me these back-rubs.”
Fuji chuckled and replied wistfully, “It won’t be easy without you.” He bent over from the waist and kissed the hair at the nape of Tezuka’s neck softly and whispered, “Get better soon love.” before righting himself again.
“No matter what?” Tezuka replied, raising an eyebrow in query, and turning his head a bit more to the right, gazing into Fuji’s stunning blues.
“No matter what.”
Flopping back down onto Tezuka’s back, mindful of his shoulder, Fuji started to knead the muscles all around the joint.
“…Syusuke. Hyotei’s Sakaki-sensei came to me with a proposition before we left for Kawamura’s.” Tezuka practically groaned out in pleasure.
“Proposition? He’s not trying to take you away from Seigaku is he?” Hiding a chuckle behind his right hand, Fuji continued with his massage. After a few moments with no response, he began to feel anxious. “Mitsu?”
Letting go of his hesitation, Tezuka sighed. “He… He gave me a brief description of a facility I can go to that would help with my rehabilitation. He explained that, even though he was the coach of a rival school, he would feel the loss of a talent like mine if I were to retire because of this match.”
Fuji sat up, straddling Tezuka’s back with a look of apprehension on his face. He couldn’t see Tezuka’s expression from the new position but he knew he was nervous. Tezuka does not waste words much less ramble.
“Sakaki-san said he would give Ryuzaki-sensei the information for me, but stressed that this hospital specializes in injured Tennis players and-” Tezuka continued, trying to list the beneficial aspects of the hospital.
“Kunimitsu. What are you saying exactly?”
Tezuka turned his head into the pillow, breathed deeply and then flipped over so he was lying on his side, throwing Fuji into the space beside him in the process. After adjusting his position and facing his other teen he continued.
“This hospital, it’s in Germany.”
Noting that Fuji became unresponsive gave Tezuka some ease. He didn’t want to do this but it was the lesser of two evils according to his logic. Telling Syusuke now would be better than telling him later…
“I think I should go, to get better as soon as possible. No matter what, right? And since I don’t know how long I’ll be away, I want you to help Oishi and everyone to stay focused, and to also help with their development.”
“What about me?” Fuji whispered dejectedly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”
“What about me? What about us? What’s going to happen to us if you’re not here?”
Fuji rushed out of the bed and began pacing the length of the room. He couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around the idea of ‘No Tezuka’.
Sitting up Tezuka reached out for the blue eyed boy with his right hand, but he kept evading his touch.
“You have to calm down. Nothing’s going to happen to us Syusuke. I won’t be here for a while, but it doesn’t mean that something is going to happen. I’ll care about you no matter where I go.”
When Fuji turned to him, the look he on his face gave him the urge to recoil but he swallowed it. This had to be done. If Fuji couldn’t accept it, would his parents? His coach? What of his other teammates?
“You don’t get it! We just started going out a little over five months ago! Don’t you think our relationship is a little young to be put through this kind of separation? You don’t even know how long you’ll be gone for!”
“I want to play in the Nationals with my team Fuji! Are you saying I should sit back and do nothing!?”
Fuji reeled back in shock. ‘Fuji’ Tezuka just called him ‘Fuji’. A name he hadn’t called him in private since the day he confessed. This gave Fuji reason to pause, and reevaluate the situation. Tezuka wants to leave. ‘No matter what.’
“Nothing I say is going to change your mind is it?” Fuji chuckled mirthlessly.
“You had no intention of asking my opinion at all did you? You just thought you’d tell me and I’ll accept like the love-sick puppy you think I am. Well guess what… I’m not that understanding. And I’m selfish. So very selfish.” By this time Fuji was already in tears and just about ready to begin hyperventilating.
“I want you here… with me… I... I... I can’t do this. Not now. I’m sorry.” Why can’t you see this like I do?
Roughly wiping his face across his shirt sleeve, Fuji went to collect his tennis pack.
“I know now that my opinion is meaningless to you… but… if I said ‘I want you’… or maybe if I said ‘I need you’… and if I said ‘I love you’… what would you do?”
Not waiting for an answer Fuji left, closing the door behind him.
“I’d stay.” Tezuka whispered into the suddenly dark room, right hand still reaching for the non-existent Fuji.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Fuji lay on his bedroom floor with his mind in a daze. He would be in his bed but he had yet to change out of his Seigaku uniform, and though he was no neat-freak, going into a clean bed in day old clothes drenched in dry sweat was just disgusting. He refused to acknowledge any tears that were now mixed into the material.
On his way home, he realized that he and Tezuka may have just had their first real fight. And if things go the way Tezuka wanted, the last one they would have in a while.
He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that his opinion is of no value to Tezuka; His Tezuka. His Mitsu.
Since day one of their relationship, as unconventional as passing time by confessing at a bus stop may be to many people, Tezuka never hesitated to agree with his proposals of abstract dates, mismatched doubles line-ups (the first Momo/Kaidoh pairing) or any other idiotic, though carefully dubbed ‘Fuji moments’, his sadistic psyche came up with. His word was always gold to Tezuka. So why change now?
Regardless, I need to fix this... I won’t be able to face him again if he leaves this way…
Fuji closed his eyes, breathed deeply and waited. He knew sooner or later everything would make sense to him. After all, he wasn’t a genius for nothing.
First and foremost, he tried looking at it from Tezuka’s point of view. Sure, he wouldn’t be able to play his own tennis again for a while, which meant that the Kantou tournament would be played without him, but up and leaving the country without any warning, how self-centered could he get? How could he just accept an offer like that without exploring his other options? After all, there had to be other options right? Even if this was the best choice, he could have at least consulted me, asked what I think abo- Wait. What?
Flashes of their conversation began to replay in his thoughts, one point that seemed to have flown over his head came crashing down again: ‘Sakaki-san said he would give Ryuzaki-sensei the information for me…’
If Sakaki-san hasn’t given Ryuzaki-sensei the information about this, does that mean that Ryuzaki-sensei doesn’t know about Germany?
I was the first to know? Why…
‘I think I should go, to get better as soon as possible. No matter what, right?’
Eyes snapping open, realization dawned on Fuji.
Kunimitsu hasn’t made a decision yet. He was really asking me for my opinion, hoping we would discuss it. Explore it. Wasn’t he…
Fuji bolted upright, eyes wide, unseeing and glistening with tears. I made a mistake. Mitsu hasn’t accepted… What now?
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
The next day, Fuji headed for the clubroom. No one would be there this early knowing there was no morning practice... no one but Tezuka. Fuji knew he won’t be going to club practice, because of his injury, but for the sake of familiarity, he would definitely be in the clubhouse before hours. So he wasn’t surprised when he found Tezuka sitting behind the only desk in the clubroom. He was studying the Kanto tournament line-up, most probably to figure out the next opponent, and Seigaku’s next move.
“Mitsu...”
Fuji regarded him silently, waiting for a reaction to his presence, when none came he cleared his throat, gaining the other boys’ attention, and said clearly, “I’ve been thinking. About what you said yesterday… I was being selfish and stubborn and thinking irrationally. I wanted to make you feel guilty for abandoning me and that was unfair…” Seeing Tezuka about to protest, Fuji raised his hand and said, “No, please let me finish.” Surprising himself when his voice quivered slightly.
He received a quiet nod in response and continued, “I shouldn’t have thrown your feelings back at you like I did. I’m sorry. I realize now that my point of view really does mean something to you and I also understand now, why you would make the decision to go and I,” Fuji paused to regain his composure, “I agree. You should go. Accept Sakaki-san’s proposal and get yourself healed. And like you said, you don’t know how long you’ll be gone so I’ll help Oishi take care of the team until you get back.”
Fuji smiled feeling pleased with himself for his recovery. He didn’t want to end things on a sour note so if he just agrees then maybe someday Tezuka would forgive him for his indiscretions from the previous day.
“Also, I want you to only focus on getting better and Nationals so I think it would be best if we break-up, while you’re away. I don’t want to be a burden, and you won’t have much time for a relationship, much less a long distance one during your rehabilitation.”
Tezuka could only stare on in awe at the lithe figure before him. Never has Fuji ever sounded as nonsensical as he did right then; not even during his ‘Yuta doesn’t love me’ phase. Break-up?
“Kunimitsu? Please say something. This… I understand that this may seem sudden, but this way you would have fewer distractions while you’re recuperating and... Mitsu?”
Barely registering the brunets’ words, Tezuka remained immobile. However, taking Tezuka’s silence as an agreement, Fuji decided he did the right thing after all and there was no point in continuing what he was saying.
“Ok then, so… I’m going to head to class now. Bye, Tezuka-buchou.” And with that he left as silently as he came. He apparently had a tendency to walk out on unfinished conversations as long as he had the final word.
When Tezuka gathered his senses he looked around the empty clubhouse and sighed. Now he really didn’t know what to do. It was rather obvious, despite his best attempts to prove otherwise, that Fuji did not want him to leave, the only reason he suggested a break-up was for Tezuka’s benefit. How stupid can that tensai be?
His thoughts were interrupted by the door being opened with less fluidity than the misguided tennis prodigy.
“Tezuka, come and see me before you’re classes begin today.”
“Hai Ryuzaki-sensei.” Time appeared to be against him as it would seem that the moment for decision making was at hand. This is it huh.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
What if I don't wanna forget
Don't want anyone but you
Believe me, it's true, for a while...forever
Just let me stay here with you
I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna leave
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
He met with Ryuzaki-sensei before class, and as expected, was given the information necessary to make his decision. The facility was amazing. Numerous tennis courts all in their best condition, high-tech state of the art equipment that would ensure he never fell out of shape, over-qualified trainers, doctors and coaches, and not to mention the available individual room and board, perfect for someone like him who enjoys their privacy. If he were any less of a man, Tezuka would be drooling at the thought of being there indefinitely. But since he was a Tezuka, he stoically accepted the documents and said he would discuss it with his family before leaving the room with a stiff nod.
Surely his parents and grandfather would not allow him to pass up this opportunity to broaden his horizons. He already knew exactly what words to use to ensure his departure. No, his parents were going to be easy. It was his little blue-eyed brunet of a boyfriend that made him anxious. He hadn’t seen one glimpse of him since their morning encounter in the clubroom, and that was saying something since it was nearing lunch and on average would have seen him in some way or form at least twice already.
“Tezuka. Tezuka”
Tezuka looked up at the sound of his name. Oishi was calling him in what he assumed was his form of a whisper, when clearly those around them could hear him.
“Tezuka are you ok? Sensei has made a few errors and you haven’t said anything.”
Deciding best not to answer directly, Tezuka turned to the back of his notes book, bent the last page in half and slowly tore it in a straight line. He wrote a note to Oishi so they would not be disturbing their classmates, and those classmates would not hear their conversation.
T: I’m fine. Just thinking about practice.
Oishi’s face crinkled thoughtfully before glancing between Tezuka and the note. Even through writing, Tezuka was an awful liar.
O: Don’t worry about that right now, everyone is still excited about our Hyotei win and will give it their best. You’re not planning on going are you?
T: No, I need to go home to discuss something with my family.
O: Oh, that’s fine. It’s just one day. By the way, I need to ask you something later, but for now… What’s the matter with you? Is it family-related or is it about Fuji?
Oishi sent back the note trying his best not to look suspicious. He knew enough about his friend to narrow down the reasons for his unease. Very little ever bothered Tezuka and he was much too predictable to not notice slight variations in his behavioral pattern. He looked back down at his book when the note was returned and spread it out to line it up with his margin lines.
T: Fuji… I’ll tell you during break.
Oishi smiled when he read that reply and tucked the note between the pages of his text book. He could wait another ten minutes to hear about the trials of being with Fuji Syusuke.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Tezuka really hated ‘time’ at the moment. Ten minutes seemed to fly by in under ten seconds in his opinion, and now here he was eating lunch with Oishi and Eiji, there forth member seemingly missing in action.
“Ne Tezuka why isn’t Fujiko-chan eating with us today? He seemed upset for some reason in class today.” The always observant, when it comes to his friends, Eiji questioned. He leaned in closer to inspect Tezuka’s face before he grinned teasingly, “Did you guys get in a fight? What did you do?”
“E-Eiji no, of course not… stop hassling Tezuka.” Oishi reprimanded softly, he really didn’t need to listen to another round of ‘Hyper vs. Impassive’. Especially when Fuji was not there to play mediator.
“So… What’s wrong with you and Fuji?” Oishi asked trying to break-up any oncoming protests of peace.
“We had a fight.” Tezuka dutifully answered. He had no intention of making the issue public at the moment, but it was common knowledge that Eiji wouldn’t leave it at that so he added, “A difference of opinion.”
“That’s no reason to be all secretive. Me and Oishi argue over all sorts of stuff.” Eiji proclaimed while making a wide circle with both hands stretched out to indicate the magnitude of their disagreements.
“Oishi and I.” Oishi corrected. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t something as trivial as which toothpaste to buy next. Don’t start, I’m just making an example.” Oishi stated raising a finger in Eiji’s direction. Toothpaste is never trivial to the red-head. “Also, it had to have been something serious to make Fuji avoid you even at lunch.” Oishi said turning his attention back to Tezuka. Deciding to just give his two cents worth now since Tezuka would probably only tell him about the issue once its resolve, Oishi tried to remedy the situation, “I’m sure it was just some sort of misunderstanding. Eiji and Fuji are friends after all and he only gets mad at me because of some form of miscommunication, I’m sure Fuji is the same since he always sides against me.”
“Yup, yup that’s right. Oi, Oishi…” Eiji confirmed before drawing Oishi’s attention back where it belonged; on him. He had no doubts that his friends would work out their problems soon, so he wouldn’t interfere.
Realizing that he was dismissed by the couple across from him Tezuka pushed his chair back far enough to rest his elbows on his thighs. It was as close to a slouch as he could manage. He truly didn’t understand what was happening between him and Fuji. His boyfriend, yes boyfriend since he refuses to let go of Fuji, was being unreasonable. All he wanted to do was ask him how he felt about the situation. He thought Fuji would have been happy that he would be getting the best medical attention, but it seems he was wrong.
‘I shouldn’t have thrown your feelings back at you like I did. I’m sorry’, he sighed as he remembered Fuji’s words. Tezuka began to feel that he should have been more assertive in both of their ‘discussions’ , but Fuji being Fuji didn’t even allow him the chance to defend himself. Suddenly he felt himself getting angry with the smaller boy. Stubborn idiot. Goes off ranting and raving and won’t even let me explain myself.
Still Tezuka knew it was his fault. He dropped a bomb on Fuji yesterday. He probably would have acted with the same heated anger Fuji displayed, said the same harsh words and left the same ultimatum in his wake.
‘… and if I said ‘I love you’, what would you do?’ Could that be considered an ultimatum? If Fuji did love him, would he stay? Passing up the chance to possibly play tennis as far as the pros? He said yes before but- Did Fuji love him?
He wanted to be with Fuji just as much, he knew he wouldn’t be able to cope with the separation if his love wasn’t sending him off with his blessing, wasn’t waiting for him to get home. Tezuka’s brow furrowed. He just referred to Fuji as his ‘love’. He wasn’t entirely surprised to find that he felt so strongly about the resident tensai, it was only a matter of time. But even he knew that Fuji didn’t love him. For one, Fuji never said it. Disregarding of the fact that he never told Fuji either since Fuji was always the more vocal one of the two. ‘…if I said I love you…I love you…’
Did Fuji… Was that a confession? It couldn’t be. Confessing in the middle of an argument is just too unorthodox, even for Fuji. It would be just like their confession... Tezuka’s thought process slowed to a halt.
He stood up abruptly, earning quizzical gazes from the Golden pair. “Sorry, I just need some air.”
“Oh, um it’s nothing. Just remember class starts in 15 minutes!” Oishi replied, slightly shouting after Tezuka’s retreating figure.
Syusuke confessed... He loves me. Tezuka thought with a smile, grateful that the halls were empty. He wouldn’t be able to live it down had anyone saw him. He spent the rest of the day processing his newly acquired piece of information.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Tezuka was surprised when he found Fuji on the school roof that afternoon. It was their sanctuary; where they went to be alone together. When Fuji said it was over, he thought he wouldn’t see him up here again for some time. Not that he was complaining. Fuji turned around at the sound of the door closing, smile perfectly in place.
“Good afternoon buchou.”
“I accepted.” He said, loud enough for Fuji to hear him from the other side.
“Congrats.” Fuji’s smile never faltered. He expected as much and was determined to be happy for him. He pulled a tennis ball out of his pocket and began to bounce it on the concrete floor.
“I’ll be leaving for Germany by the weeks’ end.”
“So soon?” Fuji asked surprised. Bouncing the ball again he looked down trying to maintain his nonchalant attitude. “Germany huh. Far isn’t it.” He said tossing up the ball and catching it again with one hand this time.
“Hn. When I come back, I’ll be able to play my best, with anyone.”
“Anyone?” Looking up he met Tezuka’s eyes, barely noticing that the distance between them had dwindled.
“Ah.”
Fuji hummed to himself, thinking of an actual match with Tezuka.
“Also while I’m gone-“
“Yes, yes I know, I’ll look after Echizen and everyone. No worries.” Fuji said exasperatingly. He still couldn’t believe that even while he was gone, Tezuka was making sure he did his homework. If being the unofficial trainer for a testosterone filled teen tennis team could be deemed as homework.
“That wasn’t what I was going to say.” Tezuka said sternly.
“Oh?”
Tezuka turned to face Fuji. “We are not breaking up. While I’m away we will remain in this relationship.”
Fuji peered at Tezuka from under thick eyelashes. “I already told you that you don’t need any distra-“
“You’re not a distraction. Knowing you’re here waiting for me will make me more focused, work harder. I need to know that you’ll be here when I get back.”
“Kunimitsu,” Fuji whispered, “I… ok.”
Tezuka leaned on his side against the metal wiring. “Wait for me Syusuke. We’re going to get through this. Make it to Nationals together. That’s our dream right?”
“It was your dream to go to the Nationals first. I want to make it happen, and you have to be there. You have to promise to be there.”
Smiling the smile only made for the tensai, Tezuka promised before approaching and pulling him close. He buried his face in the brown locks. Inhaling the scent of his Honey-Apple scented shampoo, Tezuka whispered, “If I said ‘I want you’, or if I said ‘I need you’, and if ‘I love you’, what would you do?”
“I’d wait.” Fuji replied in an equally quite voice, before tiptoeing to reach his lovers lips.
“Good because I do. I want you. I need you. I love you, Fuji Syusuke.” Tezuka murmured into the kiss. He felt the boy in his arms pull him closer, almost desperately. He felt the lithe figure shudder and broke the kiss.
“And I love you Tezuka Kunimitsu. So much. And I’ll miss you. So very much.” Fuji whispered, before letting out a stifled sob.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
And I thought I could, let this go
And I thought I would, but now I know
Now I know...
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Tezuka told the regulars he was leaving. Taking in all their shocked faces, he felt wanted, needed… loved... again. They didn’t want him to go, just as much as he didn’t want to leave. When he looked at Fuji, he saw that he shared their surprise, although not to such an extent since he already knew.
Fuji turned away from Tezuka’s gaze. It’s official. He’s leaving. Fuji sighed and looked ahead at the remaining club members practicing behind the fences. He could hear the regulars bustle behind him and his eyes firmed as he came to a conclusion. For you Atobe, my name is Karma.
Somewhere in one of the many vast halls of Hyotei Gakuen, one Atobe Keigo shivered at the feeling of something ominous approaching.
And Fuji smiled.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
“A little lower Syusuke.” Tezuka said interrupting Fuji’s musing. He went back to massaging Tezuka’s muscles. He began to rub the tense flesh just below his injured shoulder, causing Tezuka to shiver.
“How long do you think it’ll take for you to get better, since it’s your shoulder instead of the elbow?”
“I don’t know, maybe a month, maybe more. But it’ll be ok as long as you keep giving me these back-rubs.”
Fuji chuckled and replied wistfully, “It won’t be easy without you.” He bent over from the waist and kissed the hair at the nape of Tezuka’s neck softly and whispered, “Get better soon love.” before righting himself again.
“No matter what?” Tezuka replied, raising an eyebrow in query, and turning his head a bit more to the right, gazing into Fuji’s stunning blues.
“No matter what.”
Flopping back down onto Tezuka’s back, mindful of his shoulder, Fuji started to knead the muscles all around the joint.
“…Syusuke. Hyotei’s Sakaki-sensei came to me with a proposition before we left for Kawamura’s.” Tezuka practically groaned out in pleasure.
“Proposition? He’s not trying to take you away from Seigaku is he?” Hiding a chuckle behind his right hand, Fuji continued with his massage. After a few moments with no response, he began to feel anxious. “Mitsu?”
Letting go of his hesitation, Tezuka sighed. “He… He gave me a brief description of a facility I can go to that would help with my rehabilitation. He explained that, even though he was the coach of a rival school, he would feel the loss of a talent like mine if I were to retire because of this match.”
Fuji sat up, straddling Tezuka’s back with a look of apprehension on his face. He couldn’t see Tezuka’s expression from the new position but he knew he was nervous. Tezuka does not waste words much less ramble.
“Sakaki-san said he would give Ryuzaki-sensei the information for me, but stressed that this hospital specializes in injured Tennis players and-” Tezuka continued, trying to list the beneficial aspects of the hospital.
“Kunimitsu. What are you saying exactly?”
Tezuka turned his head into the pillow, breathed deeply and then flipped over so he was lying on his side, throwing Fuji into the space beside him in the process. After adjusting his position and facing his other teen he continued.
“This hospital, it’s in Germany.”
Noting that Fuji became unresponsive gave Tezuka some ease. He didn’t want to do this but it was the lesser of two evils according to his logic. Telling Syusuke now would be better than telling him later…
“I think I should go, to get better as soon as possible. No matter what, right? And since I don’t know how long I’ll be away, I want you to help Oishi and everyone to stay focused, and to also help with their development.”
“What about me?” Fuji whispered dejectedly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”
“What about me? What about us? What’s going to happen to us if you’re not here?”
Fuji rushed out of the bed and began pacing the length of the room. He couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around the idea of ‘No Tezuka’.
Sitting up Tezuka reached out for the blue eyed boy with his right hand, but he kept evading his touch.
“You have to calm down. Nothing’s going to happen to us Syusuke. I won’t be here for a while, but it doesn’t mean that something is going to happen. I’ll care about you no matter where I go.”
When Fuji turned to him, the look he on his face gave him the urge to recoil but he swallowed it. This had to be done. If Fuji couldn’t accept it, would his parents? His coach? What of his other teammates?
“You don’t get it! We just started going out a little over five months ago! Don’t you think our relationship is a little young to be put through this kind of separation? You don’t even know how long you’ll be gone for!”
“I want to play in the Nationals with my team Fuji! Are you saying I should sit back and do nothing!?”
Fuji reeled back in shock. ‘Fuji’ Tezuka just called him ‘Fuji’. A name he hadn’t called him in private since the day he confessed. This gave Fuji reason to pause, and reevaluate the situation. Tezuka wants to leave. ‘No matter what.’
“Nothing I say is going to change your mind is it?” Fuji chuckled mirthlessly.
“You had no intention of asking my opinion at all did you? You just thought you’d tell me and I’ll accept like the love-sick puppy you think I am. Well guess what… I’m not that understanding. And I’m selfish. So very selfish.” By this time Fuji was already in tears and just about ready to begin hyperventilating.
“I want you here… with me… I... I... I can’t do this. Not now. I’m sorry.” Why can’t you see this like I do?
Roughly wiping his face across his shirt sleeve, Fuji went to collect his tennis pack.
“I know now that my opinion is meaningless to you… but… if I said ‘I want you’… or maybe if I said ‘I need you’… and if I said ‘I love you’… what would you do?”
Not waiting for an answer Fuji left, closing the door behind him.
“I’d stay.” Tezuka whispered into the suddenly dark room, right hand still reaching for the non-existent Fuji.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Fuji lay on his bedroom floor with his mind in a daze. He would be in his bed but he had yet to change out of his Seigaku uniform, and though he was no neat-freak, going into a clean bed in day old clothes drenched in dry sweat was just disgusting. He refused to acknowledge any tears that were now mixed into the material.
On his way home, he realized that he and Tezuka may have just had their first real fight. And if things go the way Tezuka wanted, the last one they would have in a while.
He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that his opinion is of no value to Tezuka; His Tezuka. His Mitsu.
Since day one of their relationship, as unconventional as passing time by confessing at a bus stop may be to many people, Tezuka never hesitated to agree with his proposals of abstract dates, mismatched doubles line-ups (the first Momo/Kaidoh pairing) or any other idiotic, though carefully dubbed ‘Fuji moments’, his sadistic psyche came up with. His word was always gold to Tezuka. So why change now?
Regardless, I need to fix this... I won’t be able to face him again if he leaves this way…
Fuji closed his eyes, breathed deeply and waited. He knew sooner or later everything would make sense to him. After all, he wasn’t a genius for nothing.
First and foremost, he tried looking at it from Tezuka’s point of view. Sure, he wouldn’t be able to play his own tennis again for a while, which meant that the Kantou tournament would be played without him, but up and leaving the country without any warning, how self-centered could he get? How could he just accept an offer like that without exploring his other options? After all, there had to be other options right? Even if this was the best choice, he could have at least consulted me, asked what I think abo- Wait. What?
Flashes of their conversation began to replay in his thoughts, one point that seemed to have flown over his head came crashing down again: ‘Sakaki-san said he would give Ryuzaki-sensei the information for me…’
If Sakaki-san hasn’t given Ryuzaki-sensei the information about this, does that mean that Ryuzaki-sensei doesn’t know about Germany?
I was the first to know? Why…
‘I think I should go, to get better as soon as possible. No matter what, right?’
Eyes snapping open, realization dawned on Fuji.
Kunimitsu hasn’t made a decision yet. He was really asking me for my opinion, hoping we would discuss it. Explore it. Wasn’t he…
Fuji bolted upright, eyes wide, unseeing and glistening with tears. I made a mistake. Mitsu hasn’t accepted… What now?
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
The next day, Fuji headed for the clubroom. No one would be there this early knowing there was no morning practice... no one but Tezuka. Fuji knew he won’t be going to club practice, because of his injury, but for the sake of familiarity, he would definitely be in the clubhouse before hours. So he wasn’t surprised when he found Tezuka sitting behind the only desk in the clubroom. He was studying the Kanto tournament line-up, most probably to figure out the next opponent, and Seigaku’s next move.
“Mitsu...”
Fuji regarded him silently, waiting for a reaction to his presence, when none came he cleared his throat, gaining the other boys’ attention, and said clearly, “I’ve been thinking. About what you said yesterday… I was being selfish and stubborn and thinking irrationally. I wanted to make you feel guilty for abandoning me and that was unfair…” Seeing Tezuka about to protest, Fuji raised his hand and said, “No, please let me finish.” Surprising himself when his voice quivered slightly.
He received a quiet nod in response and continued, “I shouldn’t have thrown your feelings back at you like I did. I’m sorry. I realize now that my point of view really does mean something to you and I also understand now, why you would make the decision to go and I,” Fuji paused to regain his composure, “I agree. You should go. Accept Sakaki-san’s proposal and get yourself healed. And like you said, you don’t know how long you’ll be gone so I’ll help Oishi take care of the team until you get back.”
Fuji smiled feeling pleased with himself for his recovery. He didn’t want to end things on a sour note so if he just agrees then maybe someday Tezuka would forgive him for his indiscretions from the previous day.
“Also, I want you to only focus on getting better and Nationals so I think it would be best if we break-up, while you’re away. I don’t want to be a burden, and you won’t have much time for a relationship, much less a long distance one during your rehabilitation.”
Tezuka could only stare on in awe at the lithe figure before him. Never has Fuji ever sounded as nonsensical as he did right then; not even during his ‘Yuta doesn’t love me’ phase. Break-up?
“Kunimitsu? Please say something. This… I understand that this may seem sudden, but this way you would have fewer distractions while you’re recuperating and... Mitsu?”
Barely registering the brunets’ words, Tezuka remained immobile. However, taking Tezuka’s silence as an agreement, Fuji decided he did the right thing after all and there was no point in continuing what he was saying.
“Ok then, so… I’m going to head to class now. Bye, Tezuka-buchou.” And with that he left as silently as he came. He apparently had a tendency to walk out on unfinished conversations as long as he had the final word.
When Tezuka gathered his senses he looked around the empty clubhouse and sighed. Now he really didn’t know what to do. It was rather obvious, despite his best attempts to prove otherwise, that Fuji did not want him to leave, the only reason he suggested a break-up was for Tezuka’s benefit. How stupid can that tensai be?
His thoughts were interrupted by the door being opened with less fluidity than the misguided tennis prodigy.
“Tezuka, come and see me before you’re classes begin today.”
“Hai Ryuzaki-sensei.” Time appeared to be against him as it would seem that the moment for decision making was at hand. This is it huh.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
What if I don't wanna forget
Don't want anyone but you
Believe me, it's true, for a while...forever
Just let me stay here with you
I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna leave
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
He met with Ryuzaki-sensei before class, and as expected, was given the information necessary to make his decision. The facility was amazing. Numerous tennis courts all in their best condition, high-tech state of the art equipment that would ensure he never fell out of shape, over-qualified trainers, doctors and coaches, and not to mention the available individual room and board, perfect for someone like him who enjoys their privacy. If he were any less of a man, Tezuka would be drooling at the thought of being there indefinitely. But since he was a Tezuka, he stoically accepted the documents and said he would discuss it with his family before leaving the room with a stiff nod.
Surely his parents and grandfather would not allow him to pass up this opportunity to broaden his horizons. He already knew exactly what words to use to ensure his departure. No, his parents were going to be easy. It was his little blue-eyed brunet of a boyfriend that made him anxious. He hadn’t seen one glimpse of him since their morning encounter in the clubroom, and that was saying something since it was nearing lunch and on average would have seen him in some way or form at least twice already.
“Tezuka. Tezuka”
Tezuka looked up at the sound of his name. Oishi was calling him in what he assumed was his form of a whisper, when clearly those around them could hear him.
“Tezuka are you ok? Sensei has made a few errors and you haven’t said anything.”
Deciding best not to answer directly, Tezuka turned to the back of his notes book, bent the last page in half and slowly tore it in a straight line. He wrote a note to Oishi so they would not be disturbing their classmates, and those classmates would not hear their conversation.
T: I’m fine. Just thinking about practice.
Oishi’s face crinkled thoughtfully before glancing between Tezuka and the note. Even through writing, Tezuka was an awful liar.
O: Don’t worry about that right now, everyone is still excited about our Hyotei win and will give it their best. You’re not planning on going are you?
T: No, I need to go home to discuss something with my family.
O: Oh, that’s fine. It’s just one day. By the way, I need to ask you something later, but for now… What’s the matter with you? Is it family-related or is it about Fuji?
Oishi sent back the note trying his best not to look suspicious. He knew enough about his friend to narrow down the reasons for his unease. Very little ever bothered Tezuka and he was much too predictable to not notice slight variations in his behavioral pattern. He looked back down at his book when the note was returned and spread it out to line it up with his margin lines.
T: Fuji… I’ll tell you during break.
Oishi smiled when he read that reply and tucked the note between the pages of his text book. He could wait another ten minutes to hear about the trials of being with Fuji Syusuke.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Tezuka really hated ‘time’ at the moment. Ten minutes seemed to fly by in under ten seconds in his opinion, and now here he was eating lunch with Oishi and Eiji, there forth member seemingly missing in action.
“Ne Tezuka why isn’t Fujiko-chan eating with us today? He seemed upset for some reason in class today.” The always observant, when it comes to his friends, Eiji questioned. He leaned in closer to inspect Tezuka’s face before he grinned teasingly, “Did you guys get in a fight? What did you do?”
“E-Eiji no, of course not… stop hassling Tezuka.” Oishi reprimanded softly, he really didn’t need to listen to another round of ‘Hyper vs. Impassive’. Especially when Fuji was not there to play mediator.
“So… What’s wrong with you and Fuji?” Oishi asked trying to break-up any oncoming protests of peace.
“We had a fight.” Tezuka dutifully answered. He had no intention of making the issue public at the moment, but it was common knowledge that Eiji wouldn’t leave it at that so he added, “A difference of opinion.”
“That’s no reason to be all secretive. Me and Oishi argue over all sorts of stuff.” Eiji proclaimed while making a wide circle with both hands stretched out to indicate the magnitude of their disagreements.
“Oishi and I.” Oishi corrected. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t something as trivial as which toothpaste to buy next. Don’t start, I’m just making an example.” Oishi stated raising a finger in Eiji’s direction. Toothpaste is never trivial to the red-head. “Also, it had to have been something serious to make Fuji avoid you even at lunch.” Oishi said turning his attention back to Tezuka. Deciding to just give his two cents worth now since Tezuka would probably only tell him about the issue once its resolve, Oishi tried to remedy the situation, “I’m sure it was just some sort of misunderstanding. Eiji and Fuji are friends after all and he only gets mad at me because of some form of miscommunication, I’m sure Fuji is the same since he always sides against me.”
“Yup, yup that’s right. Oi, Oishi…” Eiji confirmed before drawing Oishi’s attention back where it belonged; on him. He had no doubts that his friends would work out their problems soon, so he wouldn’t interfere.
Realizing that he was dismissed by the couple across from him Tezuka pushed his chair back far enough to rest his elbows on his thighs. It was as close to a slouch as he could manage. He truly didn’t understand what was happening between him and Fuji. His boyfriend, yes boyfriend since he refuses to let go of Fuji, was being unreasonable. All he wanted to do was ask him how he felt about the situation. He thought Fuji would have been happy that he would be getting the best medical attention, but it seems he was wrong.
‘I shouldn’t have thrown your feelings back at you like I did. I’m sorry’, he sighed as he remembered Fuji’s words. Tezuka began to feel that he should have been more assertive in both of their ‘discussions’ , but Fuji being Fuji didn’t even allow him the chance to defend himself. Suddenly he felt himself getting angry with the smaller boy. Stubborn idiot. Goes off ranting and raving and won’t even let me explain myself.
Still Tezuka knew it was his fault. He dropped a bomb on Fuji yesterday. He probably would have acted with the same heated anger Fuji displayed, said the same harsh words and left the same ultimatum in his wake.
‘… and if I said ‘I love you’, what would you do?’ Could that be considered an ultimatum? If Fuji did love him, would he stay? Passing up the chance to possibly play tennis as far as the pros? He said yes before but- Did Fuji love him?
He wanted to be with Fuji just as much, he knew he wouldn’t be able to cope with the separation if his love wasn’t sending him off with his blessing, wasn’t waiting for him to get home. Tezuka’s brow furrowed. He just referred to Fuji as his ‘love’. He wasn’t entirely surprised to find that he felt so strongly about the resident tensai, it was only a matter of time. But even he knew that Fuji didn’t love him. For one, Fuji never said it. Disregarding of the fact that he never told Fuji either since Fuji was always the more vocal one of the two. ‘…if I said I love you…I love you…’
Did Fuji… Was that a confession? It couldn’t be. Confessing in the middle of an argument is just too unorthodox, even for Fuji. It would be just like their confession... Tezuka’s thought process slowed to a halt.
He stood up abruptly, earning quizzical gazes from the Golden pair. “Sorry, I just need some air.”
“Oh, um it’s nothing. Just remember class starts in 15 minutes!” Oishi replied, slightly shouting after Tezuka’s retreating figure.
Syusuke confessed... He loves me. Tezuka thought with a smile, grateful that the halls were empty. He wouldn’t be able to live it down had anyone saw him. He spent the rest of the day processing his newly acquired piece of information.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Tezuka was surprised when he found Fuji on the school roof that afternoon. It was their sanctuary; where they went to be alone together. When Fuji said it was over, he thought he wouldn’t see him up here again for some time. Not that he was complaining. Fuji turned around at the sound of the door closing, smile perfectly in place.
“Good afternoon buchou.”
“I accepted.” He said, loud enough for Fuji to hear him from the other side.
“Congrats.” Fuji’s smile never faltered. He expected as much and was determined to be happy for him. He pulled a tennis ball out of his pocket and began to bounce it on the concrete floor.
“I’ll be leaving for Germany by the weeks’ end.”
“So soon?” Fuji asked surprised. Bouncing the ball again he looked down trying to maintain his nonchalant attitude. “Germany huh. Far isn’t it.” He said tossing up the ball and catching it again with one hand this time.
“Hn. When I come back, I’ll be able to play my best, with anyone.”
“Anyone?” Looking up he met Tezuka’s eyes, barely noticing that the distance between them had dwindled.
“Ah.”
Fuji hummed to himself, thinking of an actual match with Tezuka.
“Also while I’m gone-“
“Yes, yes I know, I’ll look after Echizen and everyone. No worries.” Fuji said exasperatingly. He still couldn’t believe that even while he was gone, Tezuka was making sure he did his homework. If being the unofficial trainer for a testosterone filled teen tennis team could be deemed as homework.
“That wasn’t what I was going to say.” Tezuka said sternly.
“Oh?”
Tezuka turned to face Fuji. “We are not breaking up. While I’m away we will remain in this relationship.”
Fuji peered at Tezuka from under thick eyelashes. “I already told you that you don’t need any distra-“
“You’re not a distraction. Knowing you’re here waiting for me will make me more focused, work harder. I need to know that you’ll be here when I get back.”
“Kunimitsu,” Fuji whispered, “I… ok.”
Tezuka leaned on his side against the metal wiring. “Wait for me Syusuke. We’re going to get through this. Make it to Nationals together. That’s our dream right?”
“It was your dream to go to the Nationals first. I want to make it happen, and you have to be there. You have to promise to be there.”
Smiling the smile only made for the tensai, Tezuka promised before approaching and pulling him close. He buried his face in the brown locks. Inhaling the scent of his Honey-Apple scented shampoo, Tezuka whispered, “If I said ‘I want you’, or if I said ‘I need you’, and if ‘I love you’, what would you do?”
“I’d wait.” Fuji replied in an equally quite voice, before tiptoeing to reach his lovers lips.
“Good because I do. I want you. I need you. I love you, Fuji Syusuke.” Tezuka murmured into the kiss. He felt the boy in his arms pull him closer, almost desperately. He felt the lithe figure shudder and broke the kiss.
“And I love you Tezuka Kunimitsu. So much. And I’ll miss you. So very much.” Fuji whispered, before letting out a stifled sob.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
And I thought I could, let this go
And I thought I would, but now I know
Now I know...
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Tezuka told the regulars he was leaving. Taking in all their shocked faces, he felt wanted, needed… loved... again. They didn’t want him to go, just as much as he didn’t want to leave. When he looked at Fuji, he saw that he shared their surprise, although not to such an extent since he already knew.
Fuji turned away from Tezuka’s gaze. It’s official. He’s leaving. Fuji sighed and looked ahead at the remaining club members practicing behind the fences. He could hear the regulars bustle behind him and his eyes firmed as he came to a conclusion. For you Atobe, my name is Karma.
Somewhere in one of the many vast halls of Hyotei Gakuen, one Atobe Keigo shivered at the feeling of something ominous approaching.
And Fuji smiled.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do
If I said I want you, if I said I need you
If I said I love you, what would you do