tell me how horribly you think of me please.
so it started out with 'hey lets go to madison's show, d la rochelle is going to be playing at this library i think?' sam told me.i knew that it couln't be at a lirbary, turns out it was just the warming house, this local little place that can't say no as long as you're good enough. usually it's supposed to be free, but it was five bucks. the band never gets a cut, the money goes to pizza or something.
i have jammed with madison for a while now, but i don't think he'd ever consider me a real bandmate, it makes me kinda sad. i was the subject of one of his songs, i was there when he wrote it. it's nothing that powerful, but he isn't about talking too much in his songs, just having someone with a real voice (kelsey, who does have a really good voice) belt it out and then his song becomes something more than he could ever create on his own.
so i'm sitting there, filming the first song. and it's "friend or foe" that was the song i was there he wrote about me. it was new years, this girl christine, who was fucking with our heads and trying to fuck me again (after the summer when she xanax bar mini-keg, smoke some of this salvia and trip until i can get a boner and rape you)-again. madison and christine dated for a few years before. kinda hardcore for highschool kids. i never should have done it, but i only hung out with her so she would get me fucked up as all hell. basically our entire relationship was just her trying to get me fucked up enough to have sex with her to redeem the fact that she's a fat, annoying, intolerable, psychopath, who wastes her time trying to get attention in the worst way. "i know i could fall in love with you, but i won't" is what she told me once.
SO FUCKING STUPID. god, these girls and my charm. it's not even charm. it's so obvious.
the girls have started to say, 'you know you're so apparant ian. it's so obvious what you do and we've seen it all before' they tell me that. BUT they consider themselves my girlfriend when they say that. what's the deal? how does that work out. do the REALLY see through it then?
anyways, the scene where madison wrote this song he's playing right now. it's new years. we're all tripping on lsd. well, i'm JUST tripping on lsd, the most sober person in the house with just one hit of blotter and a little bit of MDMA. the rest of them took a hit or two and some mushrooms and a few capsules of pure molly. that and then we were smoking weed too. but weed is like cigarettes to this crowd. so that doesn't even matter. anyways, the ball dropped, and all the tripsters wrote inside madison's songbook their new years resolutions. he freaks out and i follow him downstairs to the living room to cool off. yeah, he's totally overracting, but we're so high on drugs that i dont' blame him. christine follows us there and tries to calm him down as well. but we both know that we dont' want christine there, but she loves to just stick around like herpes, which she is probably angry she never gave us. lucky us boys. so i tell madison, 'write over what they wrote, and make it somethign better, like just write a song RIGHT NOW" and he does. he says, 'you're right' and then months later he tells me "hey ian i wrote this song, wanna help me start to sing it?" and he sings these lines. "stuck between a friend and a foe, don't know which way to go" and we crank it out.
he never tells me he recorded it fully, but why would i expect that of him.
and right now, christine is in this youth organization, in this room with us. and i'm having another acid flashback. well, to be honest, my entire life has been an acid flash forward since i dropped too many hits that one great day.i'm freaking out, i can feel this rush of all these strange emotions and memories come back climaxing as this song peaks. "don't stop now, it's morning now, don't stop now" don't stop. don't stop don't stop don't stop! i pull out my notebook to jot down how i feel at that moment. i'm not going to break it out right now. i'll save that for later.
this town doesn't know what hit it. like fucking hits of acid kicking in ten hours too late and you thought they were bunk, and then you start to do the math and you realize that this little bit of anxiety about the bad acid taking it's toll right now is the last little piece of reality you are going to have left for a long, LONG time.
christine fucked with my head. and i told her 'thanks for the graphite' i love writing about her and her fucked up family. it's great. i LOVE THE FACT that she was raped when she was six. and that she told me the clothes she was wearing, and how he took her into the closet, and how i said, 'well those guys who rape you can get it up, but i can't!" and how we both laughed at that. THAT was fucking funny. that was great. i loved that. of course these girls love me.
how could they not?
HOW COULD THEY NOT?
well that's a question to be answered by the female audience we have with us today.
"mrs. mella, how can women not absolutely adore ian and his antics?"
"well, mister annoucner guy. i guess it's because all women think that they can change him. and he shows that drive that he wants to change as well. and i really think that he does want to as well. but, at the bottom of his dark carl-jung well of memories and thoughts there is this primal urge to stay like he was when he was young. he wants to keep his fire alive like he did back then. back when he was the shiteee. back when everybody laughed their asses off at him because it was high school and ian never thought about how it doesn't take that much brains to make a room full of stoners laugh."
"really mrs. mella, now how would you describe your experience with ian?"
"well, he made me feel like i was the most special girl in the world. he's really good with words, especially when you're vulnerable, i think it was all the television shows he watched when he was little. and all the video game romances he played through as a child. that's the way that he looks at things, you know like the sims, points off here, points gained there. and i guess life is sorta like that a little bit, but ian takes it too far. like he tallys up how many points he just lost for what he did to you, and then finds ways to gain it back and ruin it again. like a treadmill."
okayokayokay.
we're done with me being a retard right now.
i want to ask the world something, and i want the world to tear me apart. but it won't, cuz it already did, and nobody has the balls.
i have jammed with madison for a while now, but i don't think he'd ever consider me a real bandmate, it makes me kinda sad. i was the subject of one of his songs, i was there when he wrote it. it's nothing that powerful, but he isn't about talking too much in his songs, just having someone with a real voice (kelsey, who does have a really good voice) belt it out and then his song becomes something more than he could ever create on his own.
so i'm sitting there, filming the first song. and it's "friend or foe" that was the song i was there he wrote about me. it was new years, this girl christine, who was fucking with our heads and trying to fuck me again (after the summer when she xanax bar mini-keg, smoke some of this salvia and trip until i can get a boner and rape you)-again. madison and christine dated for a few years before. kinda hardcore for highschool kids. i never should have done it, but i only hung out with her so she would get me fucked up as all hell. basically our entire relationship was just her trying to get me fucked up enough to have sex with her to redeem the fact that she's a fat, annoying, intolerable, psychopath, who wastes her time trying to get attention in the worst way. "i know i could fall in love with you, but i won't" is what she told me once.
SO FUCKING STUPID. god, these girls and my charm. it's not even charm. it's so obvious.
the girls have started to say, 'you know you're so apparant ian. it's so obvious what you do and we've seen it all before' they tell me that. BUT they consider themselves my girlfriend when they say that. what's the deal? how does that work out. do the REALLY see through it then?
anyways, the scene where madison wrote this song he's playing right now. it's new years. we're all tripping on lsd. well, i'm JUST tripping on lsd, the most sober person in the house with just one hit of blotter and a little bit of MDMA. the rest of them took a hit or two and some mushrooms and a few capsules of pure molly. that and then we were smoking weed too. but weed is like cigarettes to this crowd. so that doesn't even matter. anyways, the ball dropped, and all the tripsters wrote inside madison's songbook their new years resolutions. he freaks out and i follow him downstairs to the living room to cool off. yeah, he's totally overracting, but we're so high on drugs that i dont' blame him. christine follows us there and tries to calm him down as well. but we both know that we dont' want christine there, but she loves to just stick around like herpes, which she is probably angry she never gave us. lucky us boys. so i tell madison, 'write over what they wrote, and make it somethign better, like just write a song RIGHT NOW" and he does. he says, 'you're right' and then months later he tells me "hey ian i wrote this song, wanna help me start to sing it?" and he sings these lines. "stuck between a friend and a foe, don't know which way to go" and we crank it out.
he never tells me he recorded it fully, but why would i expect that of him.
and right now, christine is in this youth organization, in this room with us. and i'm having another acid flashback. well, to be honest, my entire life has been an acid flash forward since i dropped too many hits that one great day.i'm freaking out, i can feel this rush of all these strange emotions and memories come back climaxing as this song peaks. "don't stop now, it's morning now, don't stop now" don't stop. don't stop don't stop don't stop! i pull out my notebook to jot down how i feel at that moment. i'm not going to break it out right now. i'll save that for later.
this town doesn't know what hit it. like fucking hits of acid kicking in ten hours too late and you thought they were bunk, and then you start to do the math and you realize that this little bit of anxiety about the bad acid taking it's toll right now is the last little piece of reality you are going to have left for a long, LONG time.
christine fucked with my head. and i told her 'thanks for the graphite' i love writing about her and her fucked up family. it's great. i LOVE THE FACT that she was raped when she was six. and that she told me the clothes she was wearing, and how he took her into the closet, and how i said, 'well those guys who rape you can get it up, but i can't!" and how we both laughed at that. THAT was fucking funny. that was great. i loved that. of course these girls love me.
how could they not?
HOW COULD THEY NOT?
well that's a question to be answered by the female audience we have with us today.
"mrs. mella, how can women not absolutely adore ian and his antics?"
"well, mister annoucner guy. i guess it's because all women think that they can change him. and he shows that drive that he wants to change as well. and i really think that he does want to as well. but, at the bottom of his dark carl-jung well of memories and thoughts there is this primal urge to stay like he was when he was young. he wants to keep his fire alive like he did back then. back when he was the shiteee. back when everybody laughed their asses off at him because it was high school and ian never thought about how it doesn't take that much brains to make a room full of stoners laugh."
"really mrs. mella, now how would you describe your experience with ian?"
"well, he made me feel like i was the most special girl in the world. he's really good with words, especially when you're vulnerable, i think it was all the television shows he watched when he was little. and all the video game romances he played through as a child. that's the way that he looks at things, you know like the sims, points off here, points gained there. and i guess life is sorta like that a little bit, but ian takes it too far. like he tallys up how many points he just lost for what he did to you, and then finds ways to gain it back and ruin it again. like a treadmill."
okayokayokay.
we're done with me being a retard right now.
i want to ask the world something, and i want the world to tear me apart. but it won't, cuz it already did, and nobody has the balls.