falling in
I've come to hate being open and unrestrained.
I hate how people take advantage of me.
I hate coming to trust a person and letting them in, and then getting doubts about their fidelity in all matters because I feel they're betraying my trust, knowing how easy it is to do so. Giving my heart away and being so happy, and then feeling it all crash when suspicious shit starts coming about, makes me tired and stressed and anxious and so torn up, and worst of all...unstable. I lose my footing. My core always get rocked when I get these doubts.
I hate liars.
I hate giving my everything because I feel like I lose everything when I get taken for a loop.
I want to be protected. I want to stop having to constantly feel like I need to dig for the truth. I want to know that I can talk to a person and they'll be as honest with me as I am with them, about everything. If I talk to much about myself, to shut up.
Am I supposed to do that for myself? I'll tell you what's wrong with investing so much emotion in one person, and that's that the dependence can really fuck you if that person isn't on the same page and isn't up front about it.
I think about death as an easy way out; I think about the relationships I've left behind and the future ahead of me, and I don't want to keep going through the same cycles over and over again; I don't think I can make it by myself in the real world, and who the hell are you if you can't rely on yourself?
I don't feel like I'm living for myself, I'm living for the people that would be affected by me being gone. I feel like too much of a fuckup to get anything right at this point. I try, but do I try hard enough? Is it my outlook on everything that's holding me back from being a normal fucking person that people want to actively invest time in?
I've probably got it all wrong; I'm making myself of a victim of my own narcissism and driving myself crazy. The worst part is that I've used up all my resources that make me feel better. I can tell that no one wants to hear me trying to figure my shit out. Not my family, not my friends, not my boyfriend., and....I don't think I even trust myself to make the right decisions sometimes. But they're probably right in doing so. It's always the same shit. I haven't been able to move on like I've wanted to. Am I expecting results too quickly? I just let shit get to me too easily, and that just loops to what I've said before....I don't think I can change to be anything but what I am, and I'm not saying that out of ridiculous self pity, I'm saying that because every effort I've put forth has brought me back to the same path.
I can't let myself get down like this. I need to address what the issue is, and deal with it, and put an end to all of this silly shit.
I need to keep my chin up and keep the fucking pieces together. Part of why I struggle so much is because I let myself fall apart.
I need to let him know that I'm sick of this gray area.
Even if it means forcing him into losing instead of keeping things neutral, I need this to keep myself going because it just keeps happening again and again and again, and I'm sick of falling apart.
I'm not suicidal, let me say that clearly right now. I'm just....fucking mental. Christ, I hope some mental disorder isn't in the genes of my good-for-nothing biological grandfather. I've all ready got his eyes and that's enough.
Fucking eh I really hate being a woman sometimes.
I hate how people take advantage of me.
I hate coming to trust a person and letting them in, and then getting doubts about their fidelity in all matters because I feel they're betraying my trust, knowing how easy it is to do so. Giving my heart away and being so happy, and then feeling it all crash when suspicious shit starts coming about, makes me tired and stressed and anxious and so torn up, and worst of all...unstable. I lose my footing. My core always get rocked when I get these doubts.
I hate liars.
I hate giving my everything because I feel like I lose everything when I get taken for a loop.
I want to be protected. I want to stop having to constantly feel like I need to dig for the truth. I want to know that I can talk to a person and they'll be as honest with me as I am with them, about everything. If I talk to much about myself, to shut up.
Am I supposed to do that for myself? I'll tell you what's wrong with investing so much emotion in one person, and that's that the dependence can really fuck you if that person isn't on the same page and isn't up front about it.
I think about death as an easy way out; I think about the relationships I've left behind and the future ahead of me, and I don't want to keep going through the same cycles over and over again; I don't think I can make it by myself in the real world, and who the hell are you if you can't rely on yourself?
I don't feel like I'm living for myself, I'm living for the people that would be affected by me being gone. I feel like too much of a fuckup to get anything right at this point. I try, but do I try hard enough? Is it my outlook on everything that's holding me back from being a normal fucking person that people want to actively invest time in?
I've probably got it all wrong; I'm making myself of a victim of my own narcissism and driving myself crazy. The worst part is that I've used up all my resources that make me feel better. I can tell that no one wants to hear me trying to figure my shit out. Not my family, not my friends, not my boyfriend., and....I don't think I even trust myself to make the right decisions sometimes. But they're probably right in doing so. It's always the same shit. I haven't been able to move on like I've wanted to. Am I expecting results too quickly? I just let shit get to me too easily, and that just loops to what I've said before....I don't think I can change to be anything but what I am, and I'm not saying that out of ridiculous self pity, I'm saying that because every effort I've put forth has brought me back to the same path.
I can't let myself get down like this. I need to address what the issue is, and deal with it, and put an end to all of this silly shit.
I need to keep my chin up and keep the fucking pieces together. Part of why I struggle so much is because I let myself fall apart.
I need to let him know that I'm sick of this gray area.
Even if it means forcing him into losing instead of keeping things neutral, I need this to keep myself going because it just keeps happening again and again and again, and I'm sick of falling apart.
I'm not suicidal, let me say that clearly right now. I'm just....fucking mental. Christ, I hope some mental disorder isn't in the genes of my good-for-nothing biological grandfather. I've all ready got his eyes and that's enough.
Fucking eh I really hate being a woman sometimes.