Chillin on the Clothesline
I feel it too. I hope I haven't been sending too many of those signals to you. I barely talk to my own family when I'm away...it's a problem. It's not healthy for me to push people away. And keep them shut out of my life while I'm away. I get so caught up in everything that I'm doing here that I make excuses not to pick up the phone, or to call, or to respond. In the end it just makes everyone mad at me because I ignored them. It reveals me for the odd, quirky person that I am, and a lot of people don't like that, so as much as I've always been told to "be myself" over the years, I find it awful hard to do so while the people that I know and love are holding up hoops that they want me to jump through to strive to be someone else. Who am I kidding? The person I am now isn't who I used to be, but I've found that when people meet me and don't know me they like me a lot better than most of those who've spent a decent amount of time with me. Yes, I'm awkward. Yes, I prefer not talking if I'm not drunk. But the less I talk the less stupid I can reveal myself to be. But what's the point if they find out anyway? It's like I'm lying to them by hiding it, and when they do find out they've developed too much of a relationship to just ditch me like most souls who get a sense of me ahead of time do.
Too selfish. Too negative. Too antisocial. Too quiet. Too inverted.
I know what you mean about ginny, too. Her and Dave came over my house to hang out. We smoked and were way out of it. I'm a bad host, I admit; I figured we were all on an entertainment level and they wouldn't mind what we did because they didn't have any opinions anyway. So when I took 'em inside and hooked up Endless Ocean to space out to, they started whispering to each other on the couch right next to me. As if I wasn't there. As if they would whisper about anything else but something Ithey didn't want me to hear while sitting in my living room. No doubt it was about me. What the hell could I say? If I see her and she isn't drunk I feel like she's constantly analyzing me, picking me apart, and finding all of my faults. Unless she is by Dave's side he's a total alien to me, and he does the same thing. He lets his guard down when she isn't around and it's like he doesn't have a problem with me.
I've felt uncomfortable around everyone for a while now. I'm pretty sure I'm on Joe and Lee's blacklist because I'm an ignorant college kid who doesn't know shit about what having a tough life is like, and when I try to relate as a means of conversation they just shake their heads and I can see it in their eyes: they think I'm stupid. They think I'm ignorant.
And maybe I am. What the fuck. But I don't treat them any differently on purpose. Just because I can't vocalize how I feel like they can doesn't mean I care any less or have any less depth of knowledge. I don't keep up with current events because if my nose isn't buried in a medical textbook I'm socializing with the few bonds I've made up here, or taking some time to myself to keep myself sane. My weekends are spent with a boy that I dearly love and might not have too much more time with, one way or another. And even then, I feel like he's getting sick of me in the same way. He sees who I really am and doesn't want to stick around, but he's so passive about everything that he'll let the end of the school year do the breaking up instead of him. My interests have been pushed aside for my education, and my personality has been dulling since high school. I can barely keep afloat sometimes if I let my insecurities and personality flaws wash over me.
I start to think about the strengths I think I have, and wonder what it really amounts up to. The field I'm getting into may be prosperous, but with over $100,000 worth of debt hanging over my head and limited payment options, I might have to make some decisions that I really don't want to make and really wouldn't be best for me, but it's all I've got when it comes down to it. And the closer I get to being released into the hospitals, the more I realize that I'm going to be surrounded by a lot of the people that I've never liked for all of my life. The more struggle I know I'll have fitting in again.
When it comes down to it, I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. Or retarded in some way. And I'm not saying this in some twisted way to get pity or attention, it's a declaration that I know that something isn't right with me and it's been getting worse and the only way to let it out is to write it.The people that have stayed around me are the ones that don't know me that well, or who have to stay around me because I won't be leaving their lives anytime soon, or the even rarer case of the person who knows me to my core and accepts me for who I am. Without that last group, I don't think I could be here. My family is unforgiving when it comes to the stupid shit I do because they've put up with it so long.
I don't know what to do about it. I don't function or think like a normal person. I hold myself back. I'm nuts. I'd rather be silent and perceived as stupid than talk and reveal myself for how stupid I can really be. But what can I do besides hold onto the ones that strive to hold onto me, and lay low around those who are constantly subjected to my idiocy? I don't want to put myself in the spotlight. I don't want to try to patch things up with people when I don't know how.
I know where to start, though. With phone calls. As much as it may kill me (for whatever odd reason that they do). Whoever's mad at me can be mad at me. They'll always think what they will. They'll think about what I show them, and if they don't look any deeper than that then I can't blame them, because there probably isn't that far to look.
And then I get on rants like this where I'm down on myself and hating life by the end of it, but is THAT worth it, either? Am I being too dramatic and looking into it too much?
I like to think I know myself, but it's pretty obvious that I have no fucking clue.
Too selfish. Too negative. Too antisocial. Too quiet. Too inverted.
I know what you mean about ginny, too. Her and Dave came over my house to hang out. We smoked and were way out of it. I'm a bad host, I admit; I figured we were all on an entertainment level and they wouldn't mind what we did because they didn't have any opinions anyway. So when I took 'em inside and hooked up Endless Ocean to space out to, they started whispering to each other on the couch right next to me. As if I wasn't there. As if they would whisper about anything else but something Ithey didn't want me to hear while sitting in my living room. No doubt it was about me. What the hell could I say? If I see her and she isn't drunk I feel like she's constantly analyzing me, picking me apart, and finding all of my faults. Unless she is by Dave's side he's a total alien to me, and he does the same thing. He lets his guard down when she isn't around and it's like he doesn't have a problem with me.
I've felt uncomfortable around everyone for a while now. I'm pretty sure I'm on Joe and Lee's blacklist because I'm an ignorant college kid who doesn't know shit about what having a tough life is like, and when I try to relate as a means of conversation they just shake their heads and I can see it in their eyes: they think I'm stupid. They think I'm ignorant.
And maybe I am. What the fuck. But I don't treat them any differently on purpose. Just because I can't vocalize how I feel like they can doesn't mean I care any less or have any less depth of knowledge. I don't keep up with current events because if my nose isn't buried in a medical textbook I'm socializing with the few bonds I've made up here, or taking some time to myself to keep myself sane. My weekends are spent with a boy that I dearly love and might not have too much more time with, one way or another. And even then, I feel like he's getting sick of me in the same way. He sees who I really am and doesn't want to stick around, but he's so passive about everything that he'll let the end of the school year do the breaking up instead of him. My interests have been pushed aside for my education, and my personality has been dulling since high school. I can barely keep afloat sometimes if I let my insecurities and personality flaws wash over me.
I start to think about the strengths I think I have, and wonder what it really amounts up to. The field I'm getting into may be prosperous, but with over $100,000 worth of debt hanging over my head and limited payment options, I might have to make some decisions that I really don't want to make and really wouldn't be best for me, but it's all I've got when it comes down to it. And the closer I get to being released into the hospitals, the more I realize that I'm going to be surrounded by a lot of the people that I've never liked for all of my life. The more struggle I know I'll have fitting in again.
When it comes down to it, I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. Or retarded in some way. And I'm not saying this in some twisted way to get pity or attention, it's a declaration that I know that something isn't right with me and it's been getting worse and the only way to let it out is to write it.The people that have stayed around me are the ones that don't know me that well, or who have to stay around me because I won't be leaving their lives anytime soon, or the even rarer case of the person who knows me to my core and accepts me for who I am. Without that last group, I don't think I could be here. My family is unforgiving when it comes to the stupid shit I do because they've put up with it so long.
I don't know what to do about it. I don't function or think like a normal person. I hold myself back. I'm nuts. I'd rather be silent and perceived as stupid than talk and reveal myself for how stupid I can really be. But what can I do besides hold onto the ones that strive to hold onto me, and lay low around those who are constantly subjected to my idiocy? I don't want to put myself in the spotlight. I don't want to try to patch things up with people when I don't know how.
I know where to start, though. With phone calls. As much as it may kill me (for whatever odd reason that they do). Whoever's mad at me can be mad at me. They'll always think what they will. They'll think about what I show them, and if they don't look any deeper than that then I can't blame them, because there probably isn't that far to look.
And then I get on rants like this where I'm down on myself and hating life by the end of it, but is THAT worth it, either? Am I being too dramatic and looking into it too much?
I like to think I know myself, but it's pretty obvious that I have no fucking clue.