beware of wordvom
To further emphasize the title, I'm writing this entry in puke green. You've been doubly warned.
Another funk, but not like the others. The world isn't coming to an end, I'm not all in tears, it's just...quiet, calm contemplation. The type of mood that rarely strikes me but I always take advantage of literally (not in the literal/figurative sense, the literature sense. Did I use that right in this situation?). It's all a mix of my financial situation and the necessities that I'll have to procure (hence necessary, right?), and being far away from James, and being with my family in this rat-packed, cramped up little house, and that I won't be starting at BBW til like June and...I don't know, everything else. The world isn't coming to an end but I can't be the only one seeing it coming apart at the seams, can I? I'm not panicking over it but there's a heavy weight on my chest because of it.
I remember asking in my earlier entries (can't remember if it was here or on that other journal blog I kept for like two years) if I would ever catch a break because of how fucked things have been over the years, and I'm coming to the realization (and trying to reach acceptance) of the fact that I know the answer: No. No fucking way. It's all uphill, and if we all live past 2012 (I'm going with supervolcano as the cause of our extinction) without blowing ourselves up or a catastrophic natural disaster it's still going to be an uphill battle 'til the time of our grandkids. I hate to be a pessimist, but I'm fuckin sure of it. Look at the hole we've dug for ourselves.
Correction: look at the hole everyone else has fucking dug for us. Thank you, Republicans. I'm blaming you first and foremost for thinking we could just piss away all our cash on the military for "national defense." Fuck you. Fuck you all. Now it's such a bad idea that we need money to rebuild the country that came crashing to a halt on September 11th because of how poorly it (and all the other issues that were supposed to be dealt with during Bush's presidency) was handled. And what could my generation have done about it? Jack shit. All the adults were in charge. Thank you for fucking me up the ass. Because no matter how far ahead I'll get I'll always be behind you money-burning bastards.
They should call us generation-zero, or generation negative, or generation red because of the staggering debt we're going to live through for the rest of our lives. And secondly I'm going to blame the media for everything else that's fucked us up. No one cares about what's going on in the world or the impact they have on it because of all the flashy lights and reality shows that keep us so caught up in ourselves and what people think of the way we dress over our education and dignity. We're the laughing stock of the world. And if they're not laughing, they're seething with an unquenchable anger because of our stupidity. And I can't fucking blame them. We've built a country full of hopes and dreams and lacking in actual output of anything that will get us further positively.
And Dad isn't getting any better. It's really hard to see him struggling with the fact that he can remain a point of shining light for so many people and they just don't get it, they don't learn anything, they don't see what he sees and if they did then they wouldn't be as miserable as they are....the weekend dad helped me move out we stayed at the hotel that we usually do and we had a long talk about people and the times. Everyone he knows is falling apart and dealing with it terribly. He says the only thing keeping him together is church. The quaint little congregation full of an ailing population....the generation that he learned from and whose hope and confidence and optimism and sense of peace he has and everyone else nowadays lacks.
Thank goodness the pastor is young. And I'm sure all the newer members of the congregation will uphold the same attitude. I don't want Dad to have nothing. He's a man that deserves everything and has so little.
I tried to explain to him that not everyone reaches the level of thinking that he has, that I have to a much lesser degree. His knowledge has been refined and honed over the years, but I like to think that I see things in a similar way, in the smallest degree. We're very different people for as much as we're the same. I explained the theory that I learned from Dr. Colacino that there's a point that most people don't transcend and they get stuck in a really immature (in the sense of looking at the bigger picture) spot where they can't find the answers to their questions, and they can't think in more of a roundabout sense.
And those that can think in that higher level look like paranoid jerks because no one else can comprehend shit on that same level. Or they look like hopeless advocates. It sounds like a load of bullshit, I know, but if I could remember the philosopher I'd tell you to look it up. I might've saved that stuff, but it'd be up in Rochester....anyway, I don't want Dad to go mad with his thoughts.
Lately when I look at Dad staring out the door or the window or spacing out I wonder what he's thinking about. I wonder how he thinks. For as long as I've known him, and as much as I love him, I couldn't put my thumb on how he would react to most things because I haven't really tried to totally wrap my head around my Dad. I don't know if it's respect or taking him for granted that makes me not want to understand all that stuff. Why pry into his thoughts? His reactions?
....and why do that so willingly with James? I can kind of see why he can be so resistant to me doing that now. Just because you know a person inside and out doesn't mean that you have any better of a relationship with them, right? Sure, you can instantly pick out if they're acting funny or avoiding something or just saying shit to get you to be happy, but....I don't know. This is too much to get into at this hour and get any sort of real solution. I should be sleeping anyway. I'll just be moving around all morning trying to find a quiet place to sleep in this tiny house. It's all ready driving me mad.
But all in all....
Fuck it all, man. It isn't getting any better, ever. Be as happy with your loved ones as you can and forget getting ahead in life, we're always gonna be penniless and struggling to find solutions to the problems everyone else has created for us, and the problems we create for ourselves. We're not the first to go through something like this, hopefully we won't be the last....not to struggle, but to be around and overcoming shit, moreso. And in the meantime I'll be finding ways to stop getting as melancholy as I do about my fate and life. Shit sucks, but so does the rest of the world, and I don't have it that bad.
Gah.
Another funk, but not like the others. The world isn't coming to an end, I'm not all in tears, it's just...quiet, calm contemplation. The type of mood that rarely strikes me but I always take advantage of literally (not in the literal/figurative sense, the literature sense. Did I use that right in this situation?). It's all a mix of my financial situation and the necessities that I'll have to procure (hence necessary, right?), and being far away from James, and being with my family in this rat-packed, cramped up little house, and that I won't be starting at BBW til like June and...I don't know, everything else. The world isn't coming to an end but I can't be the only one seeing it coming apart at the seams, can I? I'm not panicking over it but there's a heavy weight on my chest because of it.
I remember asking in my earlier entries (can't remember if it was here or on that other journal blog I kept for like two years) if I would ever catch a break because of how fucked things have been over the years, and I'm coming to the realization (and trying to reach acceptance) of the fact that I know the answer: No. No fucking way. It's all uphill, and if we all live past 2012 (I'm going with supervolcano as the cause of our extinction) without blowing ourselves up or a catastrophic natural disaster it's still going to be an uphill battle 'til the time of our grandkids. I hate to be a pessimist, but I'm fuckin sure of it. Look at the hole we've dug for ourselves.
Correction: look at the hole everyone else has fucking dug for us. Thank you, Republicans. I'm blaming you first and foremost for thinking we could just piss away all our cash on the military for "national defense." Fuck you. Fuck you all. Now it's such a bad idea that we need money to rebuild the country that came crashing to a halt on September 11th because of how poorly it (and all the other issues that were supposed to be dealt with during Bush's presidency) was handled. And what could my generation have done about it? Jack shit. All the adults were in charge. Thank you for fucking me up the ass. Because no matter how far ahead I'll get I'll always be behind you money-burning bastards.
They should call us generation-zero, or generation negative, or generation red because of the staggering debt we're going to live through for the rest of our lives. And secondly I'm going to blame the media for everything else that's fucked us up. No one cares about what's going on in the world or the impact they have on it because of all the flashy lights and reality shows that keep us so caught up in ourselves and what people think of the way we dress over our education and dignity. We're the laughing stock of the world. And if they're not laughing, they're seething with an unquenchable anger because of our stupidity. And I can't fucking blame them. We've built a country full of hopes and dreams and lacking in actual output of anything that will get us further positively.
And Dad isn't getting any better. It's really hard to see him struggling with the fact that he can remain a point of shining light for so many people and they just don't get it, they don't learn anything, they don't see what he sees and if they did then they wouldn't be as miserable as they are....the weekend dad helped me move out we stayed at the hotel that we usually do and we had a long talk about people and the times. Everyone he knows is falling apart and dealing with it terribly. He says the only thing keeping him together is church. The quaint little congregation full of an ailing population....the generation that he learned from and whose hope and confidence and optimism and sense of peace he has and everyone else nowadays lacks.
Thank goodness the pastor is young. And I'm sure all the newer members of the congregation will uphold the same attitude. I don't want Dad to have nothing. He's a man that deserves everything and has so little.
I tried to explain to him that not everyone reaches the level of thinking that he has, that I have to a much lesser degree. His knowledge has been refined and honed over the years, but I like to think that I see things in a similar way, in the smallest degree. We're very different people for as much as we're the same. I explained the theory that I learned from Dr. Colacino that there's a point that most people don't transcend and they get stuck in a really immature (in the sense of looking at the bigger picture) spot where they can't find the answers to their questions, and they can't think in more of a roundabout sense.
And those that can think in that higher level look like paranoid jerks because no one else can comprehend shit on that same level. Or they look like hopeless advocates. It sounds like a load of bullshit, I know, but if I could remember the philosopher I'd tell you to look it up. I might've saved that stuff, but it'd be up in Rochester....anyway, I don't want Dad to go mad with his thoughts.
Lately when I look at Dad staring out the door or the window or spacing out I wonder what he's thinking about. I wonder how he thinks. For as long as I've known him, and as much as I love him, I couldn't put my thumb on how he would react to most things because I haven't really tried to totally wrap my head around my Dad. I don't know if it's respect or taking him for granted that makes me not want to understand all that stuff. Why pry into his thoughts? His reactions?
....and why do that so willingly with James? I can kind of see why he can be so resistant to me doing that now. Just because you know a person inside and out doesn't mean that you have any better of a relationship with them, right? Sure, you can instantly pick out if they're acting funny or avoiding something or just saying shit to get you to be happy, but....I don't know. This is too much to get into at this hour and get any sort of real solution. I should be sleeping anyway. I'll just be moving around all morning trying to find a quiet place to sleep in this tiny house. It's all ready driving me mad.
But all in all....
Fuck it all, man. It isn't getting any better, ever. Be as happy with your loved ones as you can and forget getting ahead in life, we're always gonna be penniless and struggling to find solutions to the problems everyone else has created for us, and the problems we create for ourselves. We're not the first to go through something like this, hopefully we won't be the last....not to struggle, but to be around and overcoming shit, moreso. And in the meantime I'll be finding ways to stop getting as melancholy as I do about my fate and life. Shit sucks, but so does the rest of the world, and I don't have it that bad.
Gah.