hmmm.
Lets see. I don't really even know where to begin. Tonight should have been fun. It should have been a perfect evening of dinner and a movie with my girlfriend and my friends. A double date, if you will. What could be more simple than that? But no. It was neither. I hate this feeling. That angry feeling in the pit of your stomach where you know you tried your best, and yet nothing came out right. Nothing went as planned and nothing was perfect. I am not naive, I know perfect is impossible (and boring for that matter). I have, however, lived enough to know that one can get damn close. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I've always believed that when you try hard enough, and you are with someone that you should be with, the mishaps and follies of a "perfectly planned night" are the things that make your time together so interesting and fun.... Those are the events that make stories worth telling, and memories worth having. I didn't get anything worth remembering tonight. There were no mishaps or follies, only disasters. I got to fight with the person that I, for some reason, am trying to fix things with. I can think of a million reasons to not fix things with her. I can think of thousands of reasons to walk away and never look back and never care what happens to her. But, I can think of one reason that makes me want to hang on. Its more of a memory, really. The memory of how things were at the beginning. The freshness of it. Her spirit. The way she made me feel, just to be standing close to her. What happened to that person? Where did she go? And who is this new girl that's invaded her body? This selfish, haughty, "sophisticated" (self proclaimed), conceded, bitchy, whinny, needy, fucking awful person. I just don't think I can live like this anymore. It hurts so bad to think about letting the last two and a half years turn into "just another learning experience". But I am miserable. I've gotta headache just sitting here thinking about all of this, although I am sure its more a result of having to put up with her shit tonight. The biggest let down of all of this, is that I don't think I am not hard to get along with, I don't expect or want much from anyone. I am so completely simple. And she doesn't grasp that. She still hasn't figured me out. Perhaps I love too simply for her. I dunno. I suppose am just as guilty of having not figured her out. Or maybe I have and I am incapable of being that person, so I don't try. I guess the real questions are these: How long can a person go on, what amount of shit will a person put up with, all because he is hanging on to a memory of what used to be? And how long is it before that memory has become so faint that it no longer gives him the strength to hang on?
- Jimmy
- Jimmy