Scientology: A conversation between batshit insane L. Ron Hubbard and his crazy-ass creation
LRH: Lord and Master, I bid you good morrow.
Xenu: Hubbard, I think we have to talk about something.
LRH: Master, I prefer L. Ron
Xenu: Elron? What are you, some kind of elf now? Jesus, you really do believe everything people say.
LRH: Jesus? Who, praytell, is that?
Xenu: Never mind. We have more important issues to talk about. For instance, uh, Ron? What do you, uh... what do you do for a living?
LRH: I'm a writer.
Xenu: Yeah... What kind of writer?
LRH: Science fiction.
Xenu: Well there we have it. What the hell was I thinking?
LRH: Is there something wrong?
Xenu: No, Ron. No there isn't... nothing is wrong. Nothing the fuck is wrong, Ron. It's just-- What's the second word in Science Fiction, Ron?
LRH: I'd have to say it's fiction.
Xenu: Me too, Ron. Me too. Do you know what fiction means, Ron?
LRH: Fiction means--
Xenu: It means fake, Ron! It means something some moron came up with on his own that is completely and utterly false! I do not understand how the f-
I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me this, Ron. You know?
LRH: I'm afraid not, your holiness. Why is it relevant?
Xenu: Do you really not see where I'm going with this, Ron? Do I need to put it together for you? Okay, you wrote about Battlefield Earth, Hubbard. Battlefield Earth. Did you see the movie? I know I did. It is the worst movie ever. Even worse than Waterworld and what was that-- J.Lo and was it Ben Affleck? Yeah, I think it was. Gigli, I think it was. Gigli. Gigli. I can't even pronounce the name of the movie, and it wasn't as bad as yours.
LRH: To be fair, Lordship, I didn't write the screenpl--
Xenu: But you inspired it, Ron. You inspired it. It's a bad sign when something you wri-- okay, okay. Back to my point. You write fiction. And then you write what I tell you to write you. Sure, it sounds a little far-fetched I thought, but this guy's a sort of famous, you know, he can inspire a few and it will spread. Oh yes, it will spread.
LRH: I did inspire a few. I inspired many!
Xenu: Oh yes. Let me see... uh, okay here's one. Ashoton Kutcher. Ashton goddamn Kutcher. His show consists of making people believe stupid shit and then making fun of them. Okay, here's another. Tom Cruise. TomKat. The Tominator. Eats placentas. You know the guy. And what was this rule where women can't make noise during labor.. Are you out of your fucking mind?
LRH: Well I saw one once in health class and you know she was just being really loud and I always wanted to make that some sort of ru-
Xenu: You really are out of your fucking mind! Hey guys! You guys! Get a load of this guy! He's out of his fucking mind! He's insane!
I am tired of this, so this emboldened text signals that it is the end. And yes, that last little part was directly stolen from Dane Cook. Well not directly. So sue me. No, no. Not you, Mr. Cook.
Xenu: Hubbard, I think we have to talk about something.
LRH: Master, I prefer L. Ron
Xenu: Elron? What are you, some kind of elf now? Jesus, you really do believe everything people say.
LRH: Jesus? Who, praytell, is that?
Xenu: Never mind. We have more important issues to talk about. For instance, uh, Ron? What do you, uh... what do you do for a living?
LRH: I'm a writer.
Xenu: Yeah... What kind of writer?
LRH: Science fiction.
Xenu: Well there we have it. What the hell was I thinking?
LRH: Is there something wrong?
Xenu: No, Ron. No there isn't... nothing is wrong. Nothing the fuck is wrong, Ron. It's just-- What's the second word in Science Fiction, Ron?
LRH: I'd have to say it's fiction.
Xenu: Me too, Ron. Me too. Do you know what fiction means, Ron?
LRH: Fiction means--
Xenu: It means fake, Ron! It means something some moron came up with on his own that is completely and utterly false! I do not understand how the f-
I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me this, Ron. You know?
LRH: I'm afraid not, your holiness. Why is it relevant?
Xenu: Do you really not see where I'm going with this, Ron? Do I need to put it together for you? Okay, you wrote about Battlefield Earth, Hubbard. Battlefield Earth. Did you see the movie? I know I did. It is the worst movie ever. Even worse than Waterworld and what was that-- J.Lo and was it Ben Affleck? Yeah, I think it was. Gigli, I think it was. Gigli. Gigli. I can't even pronounce the name of the movie, and it wasn't as bad as yours.
LRH: To be fair, Lordship, I didn't write the screenpl--
Xenu: But you inspired it, Ron. You inspired it. It's a bad sign when something you wri-- okay, okay. Back to my point. You write fiction. And then you write what I tell you to write you. Sure, it sounds a little far-fetched I thought, but this guy's a sort of famous, you know, he can inspire a few and it will spread. Oh yes, it will spread.
LRH: I did inspire a few. I inspired many!
Xenu: Oh yes. Let me see... uh, okay here's one. Ashoton Kutcher. Ashton goddamn Kutcher. His show consists of making people believe stupid shit and then making fun of them. Okay, here's another. Tom Cruise. TomKat. The Tominator. Eats placentas. You know the guy. And what was this rule where women can't make noise during labor.. Are you out of your fucking mind?
LRH: Well I saw one once in health class and you know she was just being really loud and I always wanted to make that some sort of ru-
Xenu: You really are out of your fucking mind! Hey guys! You guys! Get a load of this guy! He's out of his fucking mind! He's insane!
I am tired of this, so this emboldened text signals that it is the end. And yes, that last little part was directly stolen from Dane Cook. Well not directly. So sue me. No, no. Not you, Mr. Cook.