And so..
I let him go. My heart is constricting in that emotional knot, and it;s like...every time I try and say 'This has to be' he gets sewed closer to my heart. So, I decided to just..cut him out..I never wanted to, but..I need to...I look at his journal..and..he has all this stuff about how his girlfriends make him so happy..and it just..it's too much..-__- He never ever had anything about me in there..just some pictures..He never boasted and said how much I made him happy..-__- I know that I don;t but I only have like, ten posts on here..*sighs* Why can't I just let go? After all he's done..I'm not saying I'm a saint either..but, yeah. He didn't even post that I was gone. I guess he never really told any of his friends too much about me..I've loved him for a year..but what's a year? It seems a lifetime. I can hardly remember anything before..before I met him. -_- but why do I cry? I'm guessing I was just another face in the crowd..I hardly know how he feels about all this. We hardly talked in the last few weeks, and it's like..
I can't explain.
All I know is that..it hurts so much.. I know I could have just been friends with him. I just don't know how to be his friend. We were never friends. We just..loved. I don't know..maybe I'M the one who tied him down. Maybe he wanted so much to break up with me..so he kept flirting around and looking for reasons...and when I cried, and forgave him..still loved him.. he always drew me back up, trying to make me happy again. A fragile thing, the heart. I guess I'm fragile. Behind the illusion of being so strong, I guess I was too weak to just say it was over the first time. The first lie. But why would I do that? I'm a silly pushover. Not a woman, anymore, in my eyes. But a girl, lost in innocence and clouds, suffocating in the emotions that prevail and bring me down to drown underwater. And too many people care about me, so just ending it all is not an option. I'm sorry, Cody, if you read this. I'm sorry I said our last goodbye. I'm sorry I was the one to end everything, when I know at the start it'd be you that would break us up. I just felt..lost. And it's not like you would have said 'No, Holly, I can't be with you..I already have a girlfriend'
And that's what hurts. I know what you would have done..she probably doesn't know about me at all. I'm just that faraway girl you could never have, but always had. And..I'm sorry...I do love you..but I love you in the sense to let you go. Like you always said,
If you love it, let it go
If it comes back, it's yours
But please don't come back. As much as it hurts to say it, don't try and pull me back into your loving embrace. Because you know that I'll always think that it could be tainted..you know? You always said you loved me with all your heart...but that always ended up a lie. I'm ranting, blaming you..I'm sorry that I am... If you're hurt about me leaving..Don't be. It was for the better of both of us.
Merry Christmas, Cody.
And have a happy new year, and I'm glad you won't be alone this year. Even if it's not with me. *wipes her tear stained cheeks, swallowing hard and forcing a smile*
And that ring will always stay on my finger, even if a lost promise.
I can't explain.
All I know is that..it hurts so much.. I know I could have just been friends with him. I just don't know how to be his friend. We were never friends. We just..loved. I don't know..maybe I'M the one who tied him down. Maybe he wanted so much to break up with me..so he kept flirting around and looking for reasons...and when I cried, and forgave him..still loved him.. he always drew me back up, trying to make me happy again. A fragile thing, the heart. I guess I'm fragile. Behind the illusion of being so strong, I guess I was too weak to just say it was over the first time. The first lie. But why would I do that? I'm a silly pushover. Not a woman, anymore, in my eyes. But a girl, lost in innocence and clouds, suffocating in the emotions that prevail and bring me down to drown underwater. And too many people care about me, so just ending it all is not an option. I'm sorry, Cody, if you read this. I'm sorry I said our last goodbye. I'm sorry I was the one to end everything, when I know at the start it'd be you that would break us up. I just felt..lost. And it's not like you would have said 'No, Holly, I can't be with you..I already have a girlfriend'
And that's what hurts. I know what you would have done..she probably doesn't know about me at all. I'm just that faraway girl you could never have, but always had. And..I'm sorry...I do love you..but I love you in the sense to let you go. Like you always said,
If you love it, let it go
If it comes back, it's yours
But please don't come back. As much as it hurts to say it, don't try and pull me back into your loving embrace. Because you know that I'll always think that it could be tainted..you know? You always said you loved me with all your heart...but that always ended up a lie. I'm ranting, blaming you..I'm sorry that I am... If you're hurt about me leaving..Don't be. It was for the better of both of us.
Merry Christmas, Cody.
And have a happy new year, and I'm glad you won't be alone this year. Even if it's not with me. *wipes her tear stained cheeks, swallowing hard and forcing a smile*
And that ring will always stay on my finger, even if a lost promise.