A look into what I have become
So after some soul searching, and a bit of thinking lately, I have realized what a unpleasent angry person I have become / are becoming. I do love most of what the world has to off me but the things that i don't like I really "hate" and not like kick you when your down kind of hate, I mean like take it set it on fire, piss on it, collect the ashes, then let them disappear in the wind out at sea kind of hate. I can not figure out what made me such a bitter person. Little things that shouldn't bother me cause they really have nothing to do with me, I can always find a way to bitch about it. I feel like I have have taken the wit of seinfeld and mixed it with communist tyranny. "Why are hot dogs called Dogs? I mean there is no fur on it, but by God we will make them dogs and you will like it or be banished from the land!" Its always the stupidest thing, yes sometimes I can convert that anger and turn myself into a one man show, some people enjoy it, but then I take it too far and start to threaten the life out of what I'm describing. I scare myself and want to know what happened to me.
I have to admit that when I look at the world, as much as I love a lot of it, the smallest things just drive me crazy. Whether its a stupid news story, the lifestyle someone has, the things they do, the stereotyping that I see. This is a big one for me. Long story short, when I have a minority come in to my work, and trade in something I'm like 99.9% was stolen, it ruins my whole day. I see the ugly side of humanity, and I become utterly disgusted at what I'm seeing. The blatant disrepect of people and how I am forced to work my ass off to get by, and they are running around stealing and making more money than me, and noone is stopping them. In fact most laws now protect thieves more than the regular citizen.
I complain to a lot of people and have said the same things I'm saying now, "Why am I this way?" I get one piece of advice that I can't seem to grasp, and that is to let things go. I need to just let things go, and not let it bother me. Growing up my dad was the most carefree guy ever. I think the only thing he ever disliked was swearing on TV. The keyword was "dislike" I don't think he ever hated anything, or at least I couldn't see it. So where did it come from? I only wish I knew the answer. I have credited some of it to the amount of thinking I do. I really think a lot, its not on the scale of most peoples intellect that are in college or so they see the clear issue at hand. I nit-pick and tear away until I find the part that bugs me most and then I go off. I wish I had more of a rounded view. I hear arguments and opinions being expressed with such reverence, and justification that I envy those people, and then I hear myself and its like "I hate it cause I do" There is no reasoning behind that!! So why I continue to do that is beyond me.
I have wondered why I don't share a rounded view and expressed my "Let all humanity live in peace" sort of upbringing because I don't feel like I want to be that person who is tolerant. I believe in tolerance, but some people take it too far. The things with Christmas now having to be like that early southpark episode with the "Non-denominational, Non-Christmas -- Christmas Episode" Where everyones way of celebrating Christmas now has to be represented and how "Merry Christmas" is almost like foul language this time of year. It has to be "Happy Holidays" or something. This usually sets me off every year. Now for good reason, but I think that if this time of year does anything, it certainly promotes "Good Will Toward Men" "Tidings of Comfort and Joy" and for once I'm going to embrace that. I'm not going to try to hate others for the way they celebrate Christmas, I never have but I never liked how Radical groups try to push their extreme tolerance on us and tell us we are wrong cause we have to expand for the good of everyone and let Christmas be a "Holiday" and now keep its traditional roots which have been settled for thousands of years.
I want to be someone is liked by people, and not thought out to be this anger filled jerk who hates the world. I will one day get better at things, at least it hasn't turned violent yet. But its like someone has told me for years, you are just waiting to be set off, and I have a feeling when it does its not going to be pretty. I sometimes get that feeling like I don't want to be pushed around, I want to stick my head out of the crowd and say what I need to say. But then that other part of me doubts what I said, or can't rally people behind him so he feels alone. I can't be a one man army in what I think, I'm just not strong enough. So I cower and plot behind closed doors and never will make that difference, whether I'm right or wrong. So the vicious cycle keeps on turning.
In short its something I'm not proud of and maybe one day will channel this anger into something good, or maybe I'll just learn to argue my points better so that instead of them coming off as a one sided arguement I will be able to shape the opinions of others with a well thought out discussion, something I have really never been capable of. I want to get better, maybe the christmas time will help me realize that or maybe not, I do work in Retail :( I guess I was just confused and bitter about how most of my day is spent complaining. If I can change I will, it seems to have put a stop to my social life amoung other things, I don't want to be a hermit that the neighborhood kids are afraid of. I don't keep their baseballs. I'm just an old man who wants to be loved and understood, and it sick of living this wretched lifestyle. I want to change. I will change. I want to have my dads mentality and just let things go, and enjoy what you enjoy and ignore what you don't. He was right, He is right.
An Excerpt from Crossfade's - Cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to know
So many things that you shouldn't have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold
I have to admit that when I look at the world, as much as I love a lot of it, the smallest things just drive me crazy. Whether its a stupid news story, the lifestyle someone has, the things they do, the stereotyping that I see. This is a big one for me. Long story short, when I have a minority come in to my work, and trade in something I'm like 99.9% was stolen, it ruins my whole day. I see the ugly side of humanity, and I become utterly disgusted at what I'm seeing. The blatant disrepect of people and how I am forced to work my ass off to get by, and they are running around stealing and making more money than me, and noone is stopping them. In fact most laws now protect thieves more than the regular citizen.
I complain to a lot of people and have said the same things I'm saying now, "Why am I this way?" I get one piece of advice that I can't seem to grasp, and that is to let things go. I need to just let things go, and not let it bother me. Growing up my dad was the most carefree guy ever. I think the only thing he ever disliked was swearing on TV. The keyword was "dislike" I don't think he ever hated anything, or at least I couldn't see it. So where did it come from? I only wish I knew the answer. I have credited some of it to the amount of thinking I do. I really think a lot, its not on the scale of most peoples intellect that are in college or so they see the clear issue at hand. I nit-pick and tear away until I find the part that bugs me most and then I go off. I wish I had more of a rounded view. I hear arguments and opinions being expressed with such reverence, and justification that I envy those people, and then I hear myself and its like "I hate it cause I do" There is no reasoning behind that!! So why I continue to do that is beyond me.
I have wondered why I don't share a rounded view and expressed my "Let all humanity live in peace" sort of upbringing because I don't feel like I want to be that person who is tolerant. I believe in tolerance, but some people take it too far. The things with Christmas now having to be like that early southpark episode with the "Non-denominational, Non-Christmas -- Christmas Episode" Where everyones way of celebrating Christmas now has to be represented and how "Merry Christmas" is almost like foul language this time of year. It has to be "Happy Holidays" or something. This usually sets me off every year. Now for good reason, but I think that if this time of year does anything, it certainly promotes "Good Will Toward Men" "Tidings of Comfort and Joy" and for once I'm going to embrace that. I'm not going to try to hate others for the way they celebrate Christmas, I never have but I never liked how Radical groups try to push their extreme tolerance on us and tell us we are wrong cause we have to expand for the good of everyone and let Christmas be a "Holiday" and now keep its traditional roots which have been settled for thousands of years.
I want to be someone is liked by people, and not thought out to be this anger filled jerk who hates the world. I will one day get better at things, at least it hasn't turned violent yet. But its like someone has told me for years, you are just waiting to be set off, and I have a feeling when it does its not going to be pretty. I sometimes get that feeling like I don't want to be pushed around, I want to stick my head out of the crowd and say what I need to say. But then that other part of me doubts what I said, or can't rally people behind him so he feels alone. I can't be a one man army in what I think, I'm just not strong enough. So I cower and plot behind closed doors and never will make that difference, whether I'm right or wrong. So the vicious cycle keeps on turning.
In short its something I'm not proud of and maybe one day will channel this anger into something good, or maybe I'll just learn to argue my points better so that instead of them coming off as a one sided arguement I will be able to shape the opinions of others with a well thought out discussion, something I have really never been capable of. I want to get better, maybe the christmas time will help me realize that or maybe not, I do work in Retail :( I guess I was just confused and bitter about how most of my day is spent complaining. If I can change I will, it seems to have put a stop to my social life amoung other things, I don't want to be a hermit that the neighborhood kids are afraid of. I don't keep their baseballs. I'm just an old man who wants to be loved and understood, and it sick of living this wretched lifestyle. I want to change. I will change. I want to have my dads mentality and just let things go, and enjoy what you enjoy and ignore what you don't. He was right, He is right.
An Excerpt from Crossfade's - Cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to know
So many things that you shouldn't have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold