When to Walk Away

[jimhines]

Since a number of people said I should go ahead and do it, I’ve created a Jim C. Hines Fan Page over on Facebook.  I blame you all.

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I found myself in several Internet squabbles last week.  One started on Twitter after one of my #Amazonfail posts.  In that case, the other person and I swapped e-mails, and that was the end of it.  I don’t think we

Comments

[cathshaffer]

One thing to remember about people who are horribly, tragically wrong is that if you point this out to them, they may reject it violently, and you feel like you haven't done any good. [using the general 'you' here, not specifically YOU] However, conversion is often a gradual process. Even if you feel like you've failed to make a point, you may have made an impression on that person that over time will shift their thinking. This is why it's very important to step away at the right time, because persisting in an argument after you've made your point, you risk losing this benefit, of having your very good point simmer slowly in the background. Also important, I think, and often forgotten is that the graceful way to win a fight is to let the other person save face--once you've made what you think is the winning argument, throw them a small concession so they don't look like an idiot. "Thanks for sharing your perspective with me. I'll think about it." or "I can see how you would feel that way, given your experience." These are not lies--making these concessions is good for both sides and reminds you the other person is human.

It's so easy to get carried away, isn't it? These are some good thoughts and guidelines. I wish more people spent time thinking about this stuff.

[jimhines]

In some cases, yes. There are those, however, that I believe are completely incapable of accepting a worldview that doesn't mesh with their own beliefs. Sometimes I think it should be a listed disorder in the DSM.

You're right, though. The soft approach does tend to work so much better in a lot of cases. I think of it as online aikido :-)

[cathshaffer]

Yes, exactly. I think the best defense is being able to identify them early so you don't overcommit--maybe think about who the audience is, like you said above, rather than about how to change that person's mind.

[coppervale]

Or, they're simply determined to 'win' the argument, even in the face of overwhelming proof. They'll just keep changing the goalposts on you, while you stick to the facts which were irrelevant to them to begin with.

[jimhines]

Oh, were you watching that squabble, then? ;-)

[coppervale]

LOL! Nope. I haven't the faintest idea what you're referring to. But I know that type of idiot REALLY well.

[asakiyume]

When I see the goalposts switch, I take that as an unconscious concession on the part of the person doing the switching. They've reached a wall, so they switch to something else (without necessarily realizing what they're doing).

[marycatelli]

And who knows? The good you have done may have been to yourself. After all, conversion is often a gradual process; the other person may have made an impression on you that over time will shift your thinking.

[cathshaffer]

Yes, I have experienced this many times.