Why do people do this?
Hi. I just got stood up for a date. I later managed to get ahold of her on the phone, and she told me a transparent lie to get out of it. I'm more or less okay with it, because people are shits. But I'm left with a question. It is not a rhetorical question. I want an answer, not merely for my own practical future use, but for my use as a writer, because it's an aspect of human psychology I have never understood, and I think that limits me as a writer.
Why do people do things like this? I was going to be a sexist and say "women," but egalitarian that I am, I have to assume that if I were a woman or homosexual man who was dating men, I would encounter the same phenomenon, because, as I said, people are shits, not just women.
This is something I would never do. Something it would never even enter my head to do. But it has happened to me repeatedly over the years, so clearly I am different from the mass of humanity in this respect, or at the very least, from the mass of women.
My best guess-which may be wrong-is that it comes down to cowardice. The person decides, after having committed to it, to break the date, but is afraid to go through the embarrassment of rejecting the person, and so lets the other person embarrass him or herself by showing up at the agreed location and waste time waiting.
Its being cowardice is a more satisfactory answer than the one I long held, that it was reluctance to hurt the other person by rejecting him/her. Since being stood up is, itself, self-evidently more cruel than the rejection would have been, I could never see the logic of that sort of misguided altruism. But I now believe altruism has nothing to do with it. It is simple cowardice, pure selfishness. In fact, I suspect it is such a common practice that in some circles it is actually considered perversely "more polite" than an honest rejection would be.
I'm afraid I am sexist enough to believe that this particular brand of cowardice is more common among women than it is among men; but as I said, I've never had occasion to ask a man out, so I couldn't know.
Is there more to it than that? Am I missing something?
Oh well. Damn her very much, I suppose. Now I have to see if I can reign my emotions well enough to get something else done with my day.
I suppose I could tell her off, if the opportunity presents itself. Not sure that that would accomplish much. The only two reasons for doing it would be to actually teach her not to do this to people, which would probably be a wasted effort, or to attempt to elevate myself from a position of weakness after having been embarrassed, which aside from being petty would also probably be counterproductive. Still might do it.
God I hate being 33 and alone. I used to think that was the problem, that it was obvious to women that I wanted it too much (and by "it," no, I don't mean sex. Christ we're a sorry society). I'm reasonably certain I didn't give that impression here. Probably just the size of my ass then. Doesn't explain why she agreed to go out in the first place. Ah well.
The fact that I've learned to cope by suppressing my emotions and putting forward this half-sarcastic face as if I don't care has got to be bad for me, but I really don't see any other way to cope. Except to write in here, I suppose. Nobody should have to go through the bullcrap of finding a mate, but adults really should be spared the indignity. Humiliation is what the teen years are for.
Anyway, if anybody (for I'm sure some of you reading this have done it to people; it's such a common practice that I suspect I'm unique in even taking notice of it, let alone taking moral rather than mere personal offense at it) can offer any insights into why people are this particular brand of shit, I would like to know. Thanks.
Why do people do things like this? I was going to be a sexist and say "women," but egalitarian that I am, I have to assume that if I were a woman or homosexual man who was dating men, I would encounter the same phenomenon, because, as I said, people are shits, not just women.
This is something I would never do. Something it would never even enter my head to do. But it has happened to me repeatedly over the years, so clearly I am different from the mass of humanity in this respect, or at the very least, from the mass of women.
My best guess-which may be wrong-is that it comes down to cowardice. The person decides, after having committed to it, to break the date, but is afraid to go through the embarrassment of rejecting the person, and so lets the other person embarrass him or herself by showing up at the agreed location and waste time waiting.
Its being cowardice is a more satisfactory answer than the one I long held, that it was reluctance to hurt the other person by rejecting him/her. Since being stood up is, itself, self-evidently more cruel than the rejection would have been, I could never see the logic of that sort of misguided altruism. But I now believe altruism has nothing to do with it. It is simple cowardice, pure selfishness. In fact, I suspect it is such a common practice that in some circles it is actually considered perversely "more polite" than an honest rejection would be.
I'm afraid I am sexist enough to believe that this particular brand of cowardice is more common among women than it is among men; but as I said, I've never had occasion to ask a man out, so I couldn't know.
Is there more to it than that? Am I missing something?
Oh well. Damn her very much, I suppose. Now I have to see if I can reign my emotions well enough to get something else done with my day.
I suppose I could tell her off, if the opportunity presents itself. Not sure that that would accomplish much. The only two reasons for doing it would be to actually teach her not to do this to people, which would probably be a wasted effort, or to attempt to elevate myself from a position of weakness after having been embarrassed, which aside from being petty would also probably be counterproductive. Still might do it.
God I hate being 33 and alone. I used to think that was the problem, that it was obvious to women that I wanted it too much (and by "it," no, I don't mean sex. Christ we're a sorry society). I'm reasonably certain I didn't give that impression here. Probably just the size of my ass then. Doesn't explain why she agreed to go out in the first place. Ah well.
The fact that I've learned to cope by suppressing my emotions and putting forward this half-sarcastic face as if I don't care has got to be bad for me, but I really don't see any other way to cope. Except to write in here, I suppose. Nobody should have to go through the bullcrap of finding a mate, but adults really should be spared the indignity. Humiliation is what the teen years are for.
Anyway, if anybody (for I'm sure some of you reading this have done it to people; it's such a common practice that I suspect I'm unique in even taking notice of it, let alone taking moral rather than mere personal offense at it) can offer any insights into why people are this particular brand of shit, I would like to know. Thanks.