(no subject)
Alone.
I'm afriad. I'm so fucking scared and I've said that before, I've said it already and I can't stop saying it because I'm shaking, becasue I never look happy, becasue even my friends see that there's somethign wrong w/ it, w/ me. I don't wanna be alone, but I always feel like I do. I don't think I'm alone, in fact I'm sure I'm not but I still feel like I am alone. To dumb for college, not queer enough for the queers, not straight enough for the straights, not butch enough for the guys, not femme enough for the girsl, I'm this weird medium, this in between and I can't help but feel alone. Even in a crowded room I feel alone and I'm so mad at myself for it, I don't understand...
I'm not sure if this about me being queer, I'm not sure if this is some political/social escapde, some rant about how there are queers who don't feel apart or don't feel any commuinty at all. I'm not sure if this is about the hidden boundaries of the queer commuinty (you must be this, you must fuck this, you must look like this, you must be a boy, you must be a girl, you must be this shade, you be this outspoken), becauase these boundaries do exist. Queers are always represented on TV, movies, etc as white, and that's just bullshit. I don't pretend to know how that feels, so I'm not gonna talk about it anymore b/c i hope there are queers of color out there who would rather talk about this. I don't pretend to know that but I knew what its like when I'm told i'm being represetned when I'm clearly not. I look at these gay male images and I find nothing in common...I AM NOT THEM. Nor do I want to be b/c I'd rather be me, even if I hate myself and my own skin itches scabs/scars/tears/drama. Where are the short, average looking chubby gay guys, did they disappear? Do they no exist? They sure as fuck do because here I am in all my fag overweight glory(despise). Do not fucking tell me I don't exist because I feel my skin stretch and I feel the tears that want to fall but don't. Don't tell me that, don't tell me I'm not alone when all I feel is alone. Even lesbians are portrayed horribly, they are either lipstick pretty straight looking girls or they are butch and where in the hell is the in between? Where' the middle? Apparently no one knows, but I think I do, because I AM THAT MIDDLE. That middle exists, whether TV wants to tell you they don't, they do. That middle encompasses so much and its never talked about, its never seen yet here it is, here it writes and talks. Is it really wrong that I feel so seperated from others, from others who I'm supposed to feel apart of? I don't think so, I don't think I should be critizised/scrutinized because I don't want to hang out w/ skinnny pretty gay boys. Maybe that's mean or prejudice but I just can't stand it anymore, i can't pretend we have so much in common just because we both like dick, because we fucking don't and DO NOT tell me that I do. I'm sorry if I'd rather hang out with other's like me, in fact that seems incrediebly prejudice, but THAT'S NOT WHAT ITS ABOUT, IF YOU DON'T GET THAT THEN MAYBE I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. FOR ONCE THIS ISN'T ABOUT BEING INCLUSIVE. for once i don't want to be the minority, i don't want to tbe minority within the minority (but maybe this is all personal). Do not tell me i'm not doing enough, that i'm not fighiting the good fight, do not fucking open yr mouth and tell me how to be queer, activist, feminist, humanist, human, DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME, DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME. I fight with my own hands, not w/ yr words. I've been marching since '85 sweety, don't tell me where to start, don't tell me which foot goes in front of the other. do not tell me there is no middle, do not tell me i exist so serve a purpose, i serve my own purpose, my god(dess), my own devil, i serve what purpose I decide. DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME I DON'T EXIST.
I don't know if its a social/political thing, maybe it's not, maybe its a personal thing. My home is that middle, that middle no one speaks of, that 'nigger' middle where its always dark and no light shines through even though I(we) shine so fucking bright it will burn yr eyes out. Maybe its not about media, maybe its me, its us...if there even is an us. Maybe I hate myself so much becasue I'm ashamed of what I am, not necessarily being queer, I love my queerness, i fondle it/cuddle it/love it/expand it, but everything that makes me me. Maybe I feel so alone b/c I don't know how to even be me, maybe I'm so miserable because I don't know how to be me. I don't know, that's the thing, I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. these bugs crawl under my skin, make me wriggle, make me burn alive from the inside. Am I really alone? I don't know, I really don't know anymore.
Is it political, personal...is there a difference? I wish I had an answer, I wish I had words to explain but i don't. I can't give out answers or even explain myself any more then I have but I wish I could, I wish I could write all these inspirational words, I wish I could change someone's lives, make them feel better, make them feel like they are not alone. I'm not sure if i can though, I try, I'm gonna try, I won't stop. I hope if there's anythign i can do it will that someone will read(feel) this and want to write something better, want to write this better. I don't pretend to know the answers or even what I'm talking about, but i fell i'm on the verge of something, i feel like something's forming, somethigns taking is taking shape. I'm beginning to hope that I'm not alone. I'm beginning to realize that......
I'm afriad. I'm so fucking scared and I've said that before, I've said it already and I can't stop saying it because I'm shaking, becasue I never look happy, becasue even my friends see that there's somethign wrong w/ it, w/ me. I don't wanna be alone, but I always feel like I do. I don't think I'm alone, in fact I'm sure I'm not but I still feel like I am alone. To dumb for college, not queer enough for the queers, not straight enough for the straights, not butch enough for the guys, not femme enough for the girsl, I'm this weird medium, this in between and I can't help but feel alone. Even in a crowded room I feel alone and I'm so mad at myself for it, I don't understand...
I'm not sure if this about me being queer, I'm not sure if this is some political/social escapde, some rant about how there are queers who don't feel apart or don't feel any commuinty at all. I'm not sure if this is about the hidden boundaries of the queer commuinty (you must be this, you must fuck this, you must look like this, you must be a boy, you must be a girl, you must be this shade, you be this outspoken), becauase these boundaries do exist. Queers are always represented on TV, movies, etc as white, and that's just bullshit. I don't pretend to know how that feels, so I'm not gonna talk about it anymore b/c i hope there are queers of color out there who would rather talk about this. I don't pretend to know that but I knew what its like when I'm told i'm being represetned when I'm clearly not. I look at these gay male images and I find nothing in common...I AM NOT THEM. Nor do I want to be b/c I'd rather be me, even if I hate myself and my own skin itches scabs/scars/tears/drama. Where are the short, average looking chubby gay guys, did they disappear? Do they no exist? They sure as fuck do because here I am in all my fag overweight glory(despise). Do not fucking tell me I don't exist because I feel my skin stretch and I feel the tears that want to fall but don't. Don't tell me that, don't tell me I'm not alone when all I feel is alone. Even lesbians are portrayed horribly, they are either lipstick pretty straight looking girls or they are butch and where in the hell is the in between? Where' the middle? Apparently no one knows, but I think I do, because I AM THAT MIDDLE. That middle exists, whether TV wants to tell you they don't, they do. That middle encompasses so much and its never talked about, its never seen yet here it is, here it writes and talks. Is it really wrong that I feel so seperated from others, from others who I'm supposed to feel apart of? I don't think so, I don't think I should be critizised/scrutinized because I don't want to hang out w/ skinnny pretty gay boys. Maybe that's mean or prejudice but I just can't stand it anymore, i can't pretend we have so much in common just because we both like dick, because we fucking don't and DO NOT tell me that I do. I'm sorry if I'd rather hang out with other's like me, in fact that seems incrediebly prejudice, but THAT'S NOT WHAT ITS ABOUT, IF YOU DON'T GET THAT THEN MAYBE I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. FOR ONCE THIS ISN'T ABOUT BEING INCLUSIVE. for once i don't want to be the minority, i don't want to tbe minority within the minority (but maybe this is all personal). Do not tell me i'm not doing enough, that i'm not fighiting the good fight, do not fucking open yr mouth and tell me how to be queer, activist, feminist, humanist, human, DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME, DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME. I fight with my own hands, not w/ yr words. I've been marching since '85 sweety, don't tell me where to start, don't tell me which foot goes in front of the other. do not tell me there is no middle, do not tell me i exist so serve a purpose, i serve my own purpose, my god(dess), my own devil, i serve what purpose I decide. DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME I DON'T EXIST.
I don't know if its a social/political thing, maybe it's not, maybe its a personal thing. My home is that middle, that middle no one speaks of, that 'nigger' middle where its always dark and no light shines through even though I(we) shine so fucking bright it will burn yr eyes out. Maybe its not about media, maybe its me, its us...if there even is an us. Maybe I hate myself so much becasue I'm ashamed of what I am, not necessarily being queer, I love my queerness, i fondle it/cuddle it/love it/expand it, but everything that makes me me. Maybe I feel so alone b/c I don't know how to even be me, maybe I'm so miserable because I don't know how to be me. I don't know, that's the thing, I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. these bugs crawl under my skin, make me wriggle, make me burn alive from the inside. Am I really alone? I don't know, I really don't know anymore.
Is it political, personal...is there a difference? I wish I had an answer, I wish I had words to explain but i don't. I can't give out answers or even explain myself any more then I have but I wish I could, I wish I could write all these inspirational words, I wish I could change someone's lives, make them feel better, make them feel like they are not alone. I'm not sure if i can though, I try, I'm gonna try, I won't stop. I hope if there's anythign i can do it will that someone will read(feel) this and want to write something better, want to write this better. I don't pretend to know the answers or even what I'm talking about, but i fell i'm on the verge of something, i feel like something's forming, somethigns taking is taking shape. I'm beginning to hope that I'm not alone. I'm beginning to realize that......