Not Fuck The Police Bullshit Anymore...
I guess it’s not such a small world after all.
I’m learning, at 26 years old, that I’m a little person in a vast universe.
My friend and I had a good time laughing and joking about this tonight (we even drew diagrams *laugh*)
Apparently, I have MY planet, and then there is the planet everyone else lives on. I visit everyone else on their planet, and then return back to mine (where it’s safe, comfortable, private, and complex.) I allow people to visit, and even move in every once in a while. On my world I don’t have to trust anyone, I don’t have to let other people love me, I can cast people off of it when they betray me, and I can exist on my world without having to leave it. Off of my planet things are uncertain, and I prefer to stay on my planet where everything makes sense, and I know what’s going to happen tomorrow.
Part of my major problem is that when I decide people can visit, or move onto my planet I have a habit of just breaking down all of the walls. Once you are here, then you are here, so either leave now, or chill on the beach and take it all in. It takes time to let people onto my planet, and before I do so I’m a very closed off person. The me that visits other planets is not the same as the me that resides on my own. Both are lovable, and both are fun, but the one that visits other planets doesn’t have issues. On my planet I’m allowed to have issues, and I’m allowed to be more than the "ideal person." I can be me because it’s my planet and I feel safe there. When I actually let people come to my planet I have reached a point where I am ready to let them BE in my world. I naturally assume that everyone on my planet wants as much of me as the next. Usually it is a very sudden process. I tend to let people in all the way, or not at all.
I have always assumed that it was the same for everyone - but recently I gave someone a house on my planet, and while I have pulled all of my walls down suddenly. They haven’t sold their house on their original planet, and are very slowly moving in.
People usually get to my planet and open up to me as much as I do them. This person is taking it slowly, this isn’t a bad thing, it’s just different. You see, the difference is, it takes a while for me to decide someone can hang out on my planet, but when I do that’s what I’ve decided - all the way or no way. This is one of the first times when someone has taken their time to move in. I am not offended, but have a very hard time getting my head around it… You’re on my planet, either move your shit in or sell your house… I know… I know… horrible way to put it. I’m just trying to explain the situation.
Of course, because of the difference in pace I became scared. I guess that I am afraid that if they start to move in, but take it slowly, then they can leave at any point. Vacating their house, and taking my furniture with them. They are only half here, and this scares the crap out of me. I have major trust issues, and I don’t want to feel like they are still deciding where they want to live. Either you do, or you don’t. *SIGH* Yes, I know, totally pig headed - but I’m not used to being in situations where people are more cautious about things than I.
Ultimately we got in an argument. I got scared, and started to shut down. I have a hard time understanding that anyone can be on a different level of friends with me than I them. They are on my planet, so they should be on the same plane as I, shouldn’t they? Clearly not.
So I tried to give them an eviction notice with an ammendum saying that I might decide against it, and not kick them out depending on how I feel about it when I have thought it through.
Then everything fell apart.
…Let me back up.
One of my closest friends and I got in a fight a few months ago. I’m there shooting off my mouth, and they tell me that their grandfather died that night. That’s why they ditched me, which resulted in said fight. I felt very betrayed, and he lashed out at me. After the fact, he told me about his grandfather, and I didn’t know what to think. I wish he had told me at the time, but he didn’t know how, and as a result I had no idea what to do with myself. I withdrew from him. Then when things were sorted, and he had done some grieving, he came to me and talked to me about what had happened then apologized for snapping at me. Things are fine now, but it did take a while.
…Back to today.
So, I tried to put this new friend on hold for a minute. They lashed out at me just the same, and I was through with them. I made the eviction permanent, and when they asked me if the “mess had been concluded” I said, “Yes, it sounds like it is.”
At that point I was ready to throw in the towel, and throw them off of my planet completely with no option of moving in at all. .. Of course, life got in the way.
I found out, by accident, that in the middle of all this he lost a friend.
It was like a bad nightmare, and it was happening all over again.
I am a small person, in a very large universe, and I am finding out that I need to come to terms with it.
I am receiving a huge lesson in mortality, and I don’t know why. This frightens me…
Four or five years ago one of my friends died. I was single and living alone. I had just run from a very bad situation, and was trying to get away from someone who had treated me badly. This friend just happened to be my neighbor, and he watched out for me. He did this silently, but I know he did. He and I got in a fight, and it was so insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) that I can’t even remember what it was about.
I had been angry at him, and hadn’t talked to him for a while.
I then woke up one morning and his apartment was being emptied out. He had gotten in a car accident and didn’t make it through. He died, and I never had the chance to make peace with him… …I still haven’t had that chance.
I do understand that people die, but it was very heart breaking to know that he died without knowing how much I appreciated him.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t have much time left, and I’ve been feeling like I need to get all of my friends together, I’ve been feeling like I need to let them know how much I love them, and how much I appreciate them. It’s a new thing for me, because I’m not a very affectionate person. Things are changing, however, and I realize that life is short.
Unfortunately, it took the same thing to happen two times for me to humble myself to the situation. People die on my planet also, and when I let them reside there I put walls up around them so they, too, are protected. I’m very loyal and very honorable to my friends. When someone actually becomes my friend then I protect them, and I am there for them regardless of what time, or what situation. I will drop everything for a friend, and never run out of heart. On my planet people don’t create a whole in my wall to walk through; they go through the back door. Then they, too, are engulfed by this wall.
Death, however, is one of the only things that can penetrate this wall. I can’t protect anyone from death and its effects.
I don’t want another friend to die on me without me being at peace with them…
I don’t know how to gauge a situation like this the next time. Do I walk around with the knowledge that anyone can die at a moments notice, and I not argue with anyone at all? Or do I play my hand hoping that I’ll win the jackpot, and will come out on top?
How do I gauge things so that my planet doesn’t go into shock when mortality gets in the way? How do I prevent this from happening again, and how do I change things so that it doesn’t crush me when it does?
I have no idea.
I’ve tried to make peace with my friend now, and I hope that everything will work itself out. I know that if it does I need to learn to understand that some people need to keep a foot on both planets. Perhaps the only way I’m going to get to know someone is to let the real me visit their planet, and wait for them to want to visit mine. I’m learning some complicated lessons, but I at least I’m finally learning. If I have a planet, then there are other people out there with planets also. Mine isn’t the only other-world, if I have one then I need to understand that perhaps others do.
*SIGH*
I am able to humble myself, and am trying to look at this situation from a different perspective. There are a good many things I need to learn from this, and I'm still short a few of them I think.
I told my friend that he was going to help me get over some of my shit. He misunderstood and thought I meant that I was going to expect him to save me. As I told him, and as most of you know, I learned a time ago that the only person who can save me is me. I didn't, however, know HOW he was going to help me get over my shit. I just told him that it was going to be by him being him. I don't know if he got it, but I don't even think I could comprehend the magnitude of the situation.
My life is about to change, and I don't know how it will effect me. The walls around my comfort zone have been shattered, and I don't think I have the money to rebuild them. I, all of a sudden, need to start looking at things from a different perspective.
The older I get, the more I don't know...
When I was 16 I knew everything, and now that I'm 26 I'm learning that I know nothing...
I want everyone to know that I love all of them so much, and that life is clearly short.
Big hugs, and a million kisses.
“Blessed Be…”
I’m learning, at 26 years old, that I’m a little person in a vast universe.
My friend and I had a good time laughing and joking about this tonight (we even drew diagrams *laugh*)
Apparently, I have MY planet, and then there is the planet everyone else lives on. I visit everyone else on their planet, and then return back to mine (where it’s safe, comfortable, private, and complex.) I allow people to visit, and even move in every once in a while. On my world I don’t have to trust anyone, I don’t have to let other people love me, I can cast people off of it when they betray me, and I can exist on my world without having to leave it. Off of my planet things are uncertain, and I prefer to stay on my planet where everything makes sense, and I know what’s going to happen tomorrow.
Part of my major problem is that when I decide people can visit, or move onto my planet I have a habit of just breaking down all of the walls. Once you are here, then you are here, so either leave now, or chill on the beach and take it all in. It takes time to let people onto my planet, and before I do so I’m a very closed off person. The me that visits other planets is not the same as the me that resides on my own. Both are lovable, and both are fun, but the one that visits other planets doesn’t have issues. On my planet I’m allowed to have issues, and I’m allowed to be more than the "ideal person." I can be me because it’s my planet and I feel safe there. When I actually let people come to my planet I have reached a point where I am ready to let them BE in my world. I naturally assume that everyone on my planet wants as much of me as the next. Usually it is a very sudden process. I tend to let people in all the way, or not at all.
I have always assumed that it was the same for everyone - but recently I gave someone a house on my planet, and while I have pulled all of my walls down suddenly. They haven’t sold their house on their original planet, and are very slowly moving in.
People usually get to my planet and open up to me as much as I do them. This person is taking it slowly, this isn’t a bad thing, it’s just different. You see, the difference is, it takes a while for me to decide someone can hang out on my planet, but when I do that’s what I’ve decided - all the way or no way. This is one of the first times when someone has taken their time to move in. I am not offended, but have a very hard time getting my head around it… You’re on my planet, either move your shit in or sell your house… I know… I know… horrible way to put it. I’m just trying to explain the situation.
Of course, because of the difference in pace I became scared. I guess that I am afraid that if they start to move in, but take it slowly, then they can leave at any point. Vacating their house, and taking my furniture with them. They are only half here, and this scares the crap out of me. I have major trust issues, and I don’t want to feel like they are still deciding where they want to live. Either you do, or you don’t. *SIGH* Yes, I know, totally pig headed - but I’m not used to being in situations where people are more cautious about things than I.
Ultimately we got in an argument. I got scared, and started to shut down. I have a hard time understanding that anyone can be on a different level of friends with me than I them. They are on my planet, so they should be on the same plane as I, shouldn’t they? Clearly not.
So I tried to give them an eviction notice with an ammendum saying that I might decide against it, and not kick them out depending on how I feel about it when I have thought it through.
Then everything fell apart.
…Let me back up.
One of my closest friends and I got in a fight a few months ago. I’m there shooting off my mouth, and they tell me that their grandfather died that night. That’s why they ditched me, which resulted in said fight. I felt very betrayed, and he lashed out at me. After the fact, he told me about his grandfather, and I didn’t know what to think. I wish he had told me at the time, but he didn’t know how, and as a result I had no idea what to do with myself. I withdrew from him. Then when things were sorted, and he had done some grieving, he came to me and talked to me about what had happened then apologized for snapping at me. Things are fine now, but it did take a while.
…Back to today.
So, I tried to put this new friend on hold for a minute. They lashed out at me just the same, and I was through with them. I made the eviction permanent, and when they asked me if the “mess had been concluded” I said, “Yes, it sounds like it is.”
At that point I was ready to throw in the towel, and throw them off of my planet completely with no option of moving in at all. .. Of course, life got in the way.
I found out, by accident, that in the middle of all this he lost a friend.
It was like a bad nightmare, and it was happening all over again.
I am a small person, in a very large universe, and I am finding out that I need to come to terms with it.
I am receiving a huge lesson in mortality, and I don’t know why. This frightens me…
Four or five years ago one of my friends died. I was single and living alone. I had just run from a very bad situation, and was trying to get away from someone who had treated me badly. This friend just happened to be my neighbor, and he watched out for me. He did this silently, but I know he did. He and I got in a fight, and it was so insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) that I can’t even remember what it was about.
I had been angry at him, and hadn’t talked to him for a while.
I then woke up one morning and his apartment was being emptied out. He had gotten in a car accident and didn’t make it through. He died, and I never had the chance to make peace with him… …I still haven’t had that chance.
I do understand that people die, but it was very heart breaking to know that he died without knowing how much I appreciated him.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t have much time left, and I’ve been feeling like I need to get all of my friends together, I’ve been feeling like I need to let them know how much I love them, and how much I appreciate them. It’s a new thing for me, because I’m not a very affectionate person. Things are changing, however, and I realize that life is short.
Unfortunately, it took the same thing to happen two times for me to humble myself to the situation. People die on my planet also, and when I let them reside there I put walls up around them so they, too, are protected. I’m very loyal and very honorable to my friends. When someone actually becomes my friend then I protect them, and I am there for them regardless of what time, or what situation. I will drop everything for a friend, and never run out of heart. On my planet people don’t create a whole in my wall to walk through; they go through the back door. Then they, too, are engulfed by this wall.
Death, however, is one of the only things that can penetrate this wall. I can’t protect anyone from death and its effects.
I don’t want another friend to die on me without me being at peace with them…
I don’t know how to gauge a situation like this the next time. Do I walk around with the knowledge that anyone can die at a moments notice, and I not argue with anyone at all? Or do I play my hand hoping that I’ll win the jackpot, and will come out on top?
How do I gauge things so that my planet doesn’t go into shock when mortality gets in the way? How do I prevent this from happening again, and how do I change things so that it doesn’t crush me when it does?
I have no idea.
I’ve tried to make peace with my friend now, and I hope that everything will work itself out. I know that if it does I need to learn to understand that some people need to keep a foot on both planets. Perhaps the only way I’m going to get to know someone is to let the real me visit their planet, and wait for them to want to visit mine. I’m learning some complicated lessons, but I at least I’m finally learning. If I have a planet, then there are other people out there with planets also. Mine isn’t the only other-world, if I have one then I need to understand that perhaps others do.
*SIGH*
I am able to humble myself, and am trying to look at this situation from a different perspective. There are a good many things I need to learn from this, and I'm still short a few of them I think.
I told my friend that he was going to help me get over some of my shit. He misunderstood and thought I meant that I was going to expect him to save me. As I told him, and as most of you know, I learned a time ago that the only person who can save me is me. I didn't, however, know HOW he was going to help me get over my shit. I just told him that it was going to be by him being him. I don't know if he got it, but I don't even think I could comprehend the magnitude of the situation.
My life is about to change, and I don't know how it will effect me. The walls around my comfort zone have been shattered, and I don't think I have the money to rebuild them. I, all of a sudden, need to start looking at things from a different perspective.
The older I get, the more I don't know...
When I was 16 I knew everything, and now that I'm 26 I'm learning that I know nothing...
I want everyone to know that I love all of them so much, and that life is clearly short.
Big hugs, and a million kisses.
“Blessed Be…”