Helen and I broke up. Yet another (consecutive) relationship that I let myself give all my heart ended in us "just not working" (my words, not hers). What's wrong with me?
That is EXACTLY what Helen wants (adventure, self-discovery, etc.) and EXACTLY what she says I'm missing.
She and I talked about how there's the typical life of living in a boxy little house with a lover and our little rituals day by day, and that she doesn't want that out of life and refuses to accept it -- while I on the other hand was trained to believe that IS life and any other choice is imaginary.
The problem here is that I want the adventure and self-discovery, but I don't know HOW to even APPROACH it because I'd never considered it was real until Helen came along. I want to get out and live that way but I FEAR it because of how severely I've failed at what every else claims life IS -- who's to say I won't fail miserably at that, too? But as I discussed with Helen, I would take that kind of freedom over this in a heartbeat.
Even without a girlfriend, all I know to do is try harder to get promoted at work or find a better-paying job, find a better place to live, and basically continue along the path I'm on. I feel trapped, just like she does. The difference between us is that she's determined not to go down that path while I have tunnel vision and feel confined to that path.
It's not that I'm afraid I'll be hurt by finding out who I am; it's that I'm afraid I already know.
Also, Adventure doesn't have to be like OMG and then I went mountain hiking and got on a plane and then jumped out of it because there were SNAKES and then Bruce Willis ran into it with a CAR and we rollerbladed down the off-ramp into oncoming traffic and were picked up by hippies and taken to a commune where we discovered love under the ocean and moved to Atlantis!
It CAN be living in a little house and doing all the little daily adventures, like watching for Special Needs Groundhog in the park and almost getting your face bitten off by a raccoon making sure he's not tangled in a garbage bag. The important thing is you have to get out and do it on your own.
*hugz* Things will work out! They always do. Life kicks your ass, but it gives you lollipops afterward, every time. :D YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON LOLLIPOPS!
Actually, come to think of it, I've TRIED the adventure thing. Remember college last year? "OMG MY DREAM OF COMPOSING MUSIC FOR VIDEO GAMES CAN BE REAL ZOMGZOMGZOMGORGASM!" That was probably the most exciting time in my life. The last month or so of it was DEVISTATING, especially since Debbie left me, I got demoted at work, and was STARVING for a month after. I want that sense of adventure again, but I don't see how to get it or what to get it from, and that particular route (college, or at least THAT college) doesn't seem viable anymore. Again.
But that's what I want. I want to live a dream. I want to feel like I'm reaching for something meaningful. But it just doesn't seem realistic right now. I'm struggling to survive, let alone reach for dreams. Show me some kind of reasonable/realistic option for doing the unreasonable/unrealistic thing (student loan + grant -> a few years of short classes that I enjoy -> degree -> ZOMG DREAM) and I'll probably take it.
Note: To this day, when my family discourages me from going back to that school, inside I feel awful because I'm giving up on that sense of self and adventure. That particular path might not be "me" but I WAS ENJOYING IT and IT WAS FULFILLING and it got cut short! I don't want to give up on finding myself! I just don't see any way of doing it.
seriously your family majorly sucks minus your mom. Do what you feel you can do. there's a pell grant for school, go to community college and take fun classes. Dont live by the rules set by society follow your heart. And everyday is an adventure when you go out and do something. Go to a bar and order a drink watch people and see what happens. Go to a park with the dog. Go walk aroung the hermitage(misspelled?) make yourself happy. even if you "fail" at whatever your screwy family wants, you'll be happy. Think of a dream you want for a day and do it.
She and I talked about how there's the typical life of living in a boxy little house with a lover and our little rituals day by day, and that she doesn't want that out of life and refuses to accept it -- while I on the other hand was trained to believe that IS life and any other choice is imaginary.
The problem here is that I want the adventure and self-discovery, but I don't know HOW to even APPROACH it because I'd never considered it was real until Helen came along. I want to get out and live that way but I FEAR it because of how severely I've failed at what every else claims life IS -- who's to say I won't fail miserably at that, too? But as I discussed with Helen, I would take that kind of freedom over this in a heartbeat.
Even without a girlfriend, all I know to do is try harder to get promoted at work or find a better-paying job, find a better place to live, and basically continue along the path I'm on. I feel trapped, just like she does. The difference between us is that she's determined not to go down that path while I have tunnel vision and feel confined to that path.
It's not that I'm afraid I'll be hurt by finding out who I am; it's that I'm afraid I already know.
Reply
Pfeh! Pfeh! on that, I say!
Also, Adventure doesn't have to be like OMG and then I went mountain hiking and got on a plane and then jumped out of it because there were SNAKES and then Bruce Willis ran into it with a CAR and we rollerbladed down the off-ramp into oncoming traffic and were picked up by hippies and taken to a commune where we discovered love under the ocean and moved to Atlantis!
It CAN be living in a little house and doing all the little daily adventures, like watching for Special Needs Groundhog in the park and almost getting your face bitten off by a raccoon making sure he's not tangled in a garbage bag. The important thing is you have to get out and do it on your own.
*hugz* Things will work out! They always do. Life kicks your ass, but it gives you lollipops afterward, every time. :D YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON LOLLIPOPS!
Reply
But that's what I want. I want to live a dream. I want to feel like I'm reaching for something meaningful. But it just doesn't seem realistic right now. I'm struggling to survive, let alone reach for dreams. Show me some kind of reasonable/realistic option for doing the unreasonable/unrealistic thing (student loan + grant -> a few years of short classes that I enjoy -> degree -> ZOMG DREAM) and I'll probably take it.
Note: To this day, when my family discourages me from going back to that school, inside I feel awful because I'm giving up on that sense of self and adventure. That particular path might not be "me" but I WAS ENJOYING IT and IT WAS FULFILLING and it got cut short! I don't want to give up on finding myself! I just don't see any way of doing it.
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment