on not being neurotic for a moment
I was talking today with L, and I told her something that happened yesterday. I had gone to the gym for a session with my regular trainer (oooh, I should write some time about the work he and I do), and I had got the time wrong and arrived half an hour early. Better than getting the time wrong and arriving half an hour late, but there I was. I decided to sit in the women's dressing room and do silent meditation for twenty minutes. At that time of the afternoon there aren't a huge number of people at the gym and a majority of them are men; I often see no other women in the dressing room during non-peak hours.
So, I told L, I meditated. "But," I said, "I did have a book next to me, and when I heard a woman coming in to go to the toilet I opened the book and looked in its direction, so I wouldn't seem creepy to her or make her uncomfortable." We both laughed at the absurd situation, and L commented, "That was a kind thing to do."
I listened to what she said and got excited. She was right, and I would never have thought of it that way if she hadn't said it. I could easily have held up a book while meditating because I was worried about what that woman would think of me. But that wasn't what I was doing; I was holding up the book in an attempt to make it easier for her to deal with me being weird in the dressing room. My motivations were kind, and I hadn't even noticed because I took it for granted. It was nice to have L point it out. I spend far more time noticing my neuroses than my non-neurotic moments. Non-neurotic moments feel good.
Heaven only knows whether my action did any good for the other woman or not -- I'm only thinking of my motivation here, not my efficacy.
So, I told L, I meditated. "But," I said, "I did have a book next to me, and when I heard a woman coming in to go to the toilet I opened the book and looked in its direction, so I wouldn't seem creepy to her or make her uncomfortable." We both laughed at the absurd situation, and L commented, "That was a kind thing to do."
I listened to what she said and got excited. She was right, and I would never have thought of it that way if she hadn't said it. I could easily have held up a book while meditating because I was worried about what that woman would think of me. But that wasn't what I was doing; I was holding up the book in an attempt to make it easier for her to deal with me being weird in the dressing room. My motivations were kind, and I hadn't even noticed because I took it for granted. It was nice to have L point it out. I spend far more time noticing my neuroses than my non-neurotic moments. Non-neurotic moments feel good.
Heaven only knows whether my action did any good for the other woman or not -- I'm only thinking of my motivation here, not my efficacy.