wow. its already 3:13 am...FUCK how is it the 14th already?
So... This summer has been dull, but in the best way possible. I have now been single for over 4 months. I am lonely, but damnit its the only way i can be for a while. I need to be alone to work out the issues I havent gotten past. I am still hurting and trying to hurt others, and I am
done with all that. I hate what I have done to people, and until I deem myself stable and sensible, i will not be going out. I feel like these last few months have given me years of wisdom. All the people I really care about are gone. Griz died this year, and I feel like I will never be the same, I knew that after millie died, griz would be lonely and when we discovered the tumor i knew that his time was limited, but everything just happens so fast. I realized how alone I have been, but I realized tht its ok. I have been reading a lot, and enjoying it. mostly I love me a good mystery or sci fi, but it just depends on my mood. Most my friends are off and away doing fun things, but I am ok where I am at. I miss the closeness of human contact. Krissy came up this weekend, and thank God, because it was obvious we both needed it. We went out, and now that I am legal I think I have only been out to the bars a handful of times. I dont really care about drinking, atleast not like i used to. It used to be a social vice for me, a way in which I had bottled courage to talk to people, to be open and be myself atleast in some fashion, and if people didnt like me or the way i acted, usually i was drunk enough that the net day i wouldnt remember anyway. Now I drink mildly, maybe once a month if that. I have been going to see my friend play at the breaks on the patio a lot, and usually I wind up having a dirty shirley but only one, so i can drive many hours later. enough about all that though. My grandpa is having open heart surgery on Wednesday. I am FREAKING out. I love him.. very very very much. he is the only person my dad will ever fully listen to, his opinion lays heavy on my fathers heart. I think my Grandfather actually talked to my dad, because now my dad would like to talk about the past, something he never does.I have avoided this talk only because I fear it will only drive our already emotional bare relations to nothing. My grandmother Verda is also very sick right now. She has a mass in her lung the size of a softball, and when a woman weighs 110 a softball sized tumor, kind of a big deal. IF I return to college in... fuck 15 days, then I will try and spend some time with her. that brings us to the next topic, SCHOOL... FML.
I dont really know what I am going to do. Tamara cant return because she doesnt have the money to pay for school right now. so, thats complicated and shitty, we were supposed to take 5 o fmy 7 classes together. so now I am a lone wolf on my 20 credits this semester, FML. SO who knows, Also, my roomate, effing nuts. I never thought I would say the words : OMG what a FUCKING PIGSTYE but low and behold, mary and joesph, my roomate is atleast 20 times messier than myself. this proves to be an interesting fall.. I will probably be posting more as I figure its healthy, and thats what i need, working out isnt enough anymore.
done with all that. I hate what I have done to people, and until I deem myself stable and sensible, i will not be going out. I feel like these last few months have given me years of wisdom. All the people I really care about are gone. Griz died this year, and I feel like I will never be the same, I knew that after millie died, griz would be lonely and when we discovered the tumor i knew that his time was limited, but everything just happens so fast. I realized how alone I have been, but I realized tht its ok. I have been reading a lot, and enjoying it. mostly I love me a good mystery or sci fi, but it just depends on my mood. Most my friends are off and away doing fun things, but I am ok where I am at. I miss the closeness of human contact. Krissy came up this weekend, and thank God, because it was obvious we both needed it. We went out, and now that I am legal I think I have only been out to the bars a handful of times. I dont really care about drinking, atleast not like i used to. It used to be a social vice for me, a way in which I had bottled courage to talk to people, to be open and be myself atleast in some fashion, and if people didnt like me or the way i acted, usually i was drunk enough that the net day i wouldnt remember anyway. Now I drink mildly, maybe once a month if that. I have been going to see my friend play at the breaks on the patio a lot, and usually I wind up having a dirty shirley but only one, so i can drive many hours later. enough about all that though. My grandpa is having open heart surgery on Wednesday. I am FREAKING out. I love him.. very very very much. he is the only person my dad will ever fully listen to, his opinion lays heavy on my fathers heart. I think my Grandfather actually talked to my dad, because now my dad would like to talk about the past, something he never does.I have avoided this talk only because I fear it will only drive our already emotional bare relations to nothing. My grandmother Verda is also very sick right now. She has a mass in her lung the size of a softball, and when a woman weighs 110 a softball sized tumor, kind of a big deal. IF I return to college in... fuck 15 days, then I will try and spend some time with her. that brings us to the next topic, SCHOOL... FML.
I dont really know what I am going to do. Tamara cant return because she doesnt have the money to pay for school right now. so, thats complicated and shitty, we were supposed to take 5 o fmy 7 classes together. so now I am a lone wolf on my 20 credits this semester, FML. SO who knows, Also, my roomate, effing nuts. I never thought I would say the words : OMG what a FUCKING PIGSTYE but low and behold, mary and joesph, my roomate is atleast 20 times messier than myself. this proves to be an interesting fall.. I will probably be posting more as I figure its healthy, and thats what i need, working out isnt enough anymore.